Is Trust Ever Possible After An Affair?

In Episode 6, we explore a question that rattles in the hearts of so many reeling from the pain of infidelity: Is it truly possible to rebuild trust again? Our expert therapists dive into three essential rebuilding blocks when trust feels out of reach—honesty, safety, and consistency. We tackle difficult listener questions on how to gauge real remorse, what to do when an unfaithful spouse expects trust too soon, and how to identify when it is no longer safe to stay. Whether you are a betrayed partner struggling with the fear of being hurt again or an unfaithful spouse trying to create a sense of safety, this conversation provides a practical roadmap for discovering what trust looks like moving forward.

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Trusting when your decision maker is broken

Submitted by Kaikai on

My husband had a physical affair 3 times and 2 emotional affairs. I only recently learned about all of them but it was through the women & a family friend and not my spouse. Only recently did he write it out as I told him I wanted a timeline. I struggle to see trust in our future even though he's going to therapy and were working through the bootcamp. I knew about 1 4 years ago, 1 3 years ago but only recently learned that it was more then I thought & the most recent attempt being 5 months ago. I know he's wanting this to work out and I struggle since each time he couldn't even tell me. Even when I asked he had to write it out after his therapist encouraged him. How do I even open myself to trust when I've been broken so deeply?

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Submitted by Amy (not verified) on

I'm really sorry and I truly get it. Right now is too early for trust. Right now is about him being safe for you so that at some point down the line you can consider trusting him again. There are lots of ways he can begin to be safe and transparent with you. He could get the Life360 app and share his location with you at all times. He could face time you when he is going to be late to prove where he is. My husband put a webcam in his hotel room on business travel so I could see him the entire time he was there, even sleeping because he had led a double life for 18 years. If your husband uses porn he could put Covenant eyes on his phone and have it send the reports to you. If an affair partner reached out to him, he should tell you immediately. He could go to SAA meetings and do 12 step. If/when he shows that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be a different person in your marriage, only then will you consider trusting again and even then it probably won't look the same. That's not necessarily bad. We did EMS online 8 years ago and my husband said it was the best thing we could have done aside from his sex addiction work. I'm sorry for all you are going through. It's a pain like nothing else. Hang in there.

Beautifully said Amy. It is

Submitted by Amber_AR on

Beautifully said Amy. It is too early for trust. I am not sure willingness to open up and trust is a reasonable expectation until there is some awareness and willingness to get help and takes steps to heal. It may take a while before he initiates healing on his own, but it is good to hear he has a therapist and is working through bootcamp. We are here for you as you wait and walk this road. You don't have to decide or be open today. 

trust

Submitted by jodi r (not verified) on

i met this guy 3 yrs ago best guy ever . i thought i helped him with divorce after 3 weeks of us meeting. got him a job. we dated on and off 2 yrs. when we fought like always he walked away for couple days blocking me on phone for days. then comes back i love you. this went on for year or more then in may 2022 he broke up with me said he needed a couple days. he was very weird acting. came over said goodbye. then disappeared in a canyon overnight phone off. texted me at 3 am walked to service i love u. next day he said he got drunk slept on rocks. after this he started treating me worse. gaslighting. in may 2023 he walked away and found another woman online met her a week after telling me we were going to work at it. he slept with her had a relationship ignoring me for 2 months. but stalking me. finally he tells me i love u but love her more. and walks away but comes back. within week of them meeting they opened joint acct she bought new truck car. on june 10 my bday he put in relationship on fb then put restraining order on meon my bday. now a year later we got married stuppidst thing i ever done but he still had a pair of her pants in our closet, he blows it off. will he do same thing to me and how do i ever trusr him

This all sounds incredibly

Submitted by Amber_AR on

This all sounds incredibly painful and confusing. How do you ever trust? It takes time to know if a person is willing to become trustworthy. Trust builds after betrayal when there is a consitant change to safe and loving behavior over time. Right now it seems you have consitant behavior over time that demonstrates avoidance, abandonment, confusion, and at the very least, lack of commitment. This new behavior you are looking for can't be demonstrated over a week, but months and years, and growth should continue. That is how trust builds, so be gentle with yourself, as well as honest with yourself, when asking this question. 

At the bottom I'll share some resources you may find helpful as you work on this relationship with yourself and your husband, and as you determine if trust and safety are possible. If your husband is willing, one of the AR courses could be a welcome option.

More than anything I want you to hear that this past treatment of you is not evidence of your worth or value. I want yo to know you are precious, you are loved, and you are not alone. For me, coming to believe that started with me and God. It could not longer start with a man. 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/proper-use-of-boundaries-in-marriage

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/wayne/toxic-mix-gaslighting-and-infidelity

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-infidelity-alone

Blessings to you sister. 

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What to read next

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Rediscovering Sex and Intimacy After an Affair
Betrayal Trauma
Can this Marriage be Saved?
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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas