In infidelity recovery, how do you handle fear? For the betrayed mate, being deceived or hurt again can cause crippling fears. For the wayward mate, these fears are much the same. They fear causing their mate more pain, but they also fear sabotaging their personal recovery. The pain of betrayal is heart-wrenching, so it's understandable to fear re-experiencing this pain. But living in fear is no way to live. You've worked incredibly hard to get to this point, and you deserve to be able to breathe. You deserve to have good days without constantly worrying that the other shoe will drop.
To start living without fear, I recommend this technique. While these affair recovery steps may not work for every situation, they've personally helped me find hope, healing, and a path through the darkness after...
Matt Monteverde's struggle with infidelity was rooted in deep, unaddressed personal issues. The PTSD from his time in the military and law enforcement led him down a path of becoming an emotionally abusive alcoholic who placed the blame on his wife. When his wife stood firm, Matt believed a lie and pursued an unfaithful act for validation, creating catastrophic wreckage in his marriage and inflicting profound betrayal trauma.
At his lowest, however, a spiritual awakening spurred a vital decision: he had to stop making excuses and commit to showing up differently.
Showing up differently is choosing not to allow...
“You don’t need trust.”, I read.
“The hell I don’t!?!”, I scoffed out of disbelief for what I was reading.
I was sitting in the lobby of a polygrapher’s office, waiting for my husband to come out with his “report card” in hand. That’s when I saw the article about trust.
As a betrayed spouse, I know how it feels to have your entire life feel like a cruel joke. Trust? What trust? I get it. I struggle even today to find strong enough words to depict the distrust and pure animosity I felt toward my husband, my marriage, and my life after D-Day (Discovery Day).
Today...
I went to an end-of-the-year bash with a bunch of friends during my junior year in high school. We had a great time grilling burgers and listening to music, but two of my friends wanted a bit more excitement and decided to put a cup of ice down my pants. I, on the other hand, wasn't interested in this type of fun and the chase began.
I was faster than my friends, but also lazy. I didn't want to expend too much energy, so I made the brilliant decision to escape by climbing a tree. I miscalculated the speed with which I could get beyond their reach and they caught my leg. Needless to say, it was only a matter of time until they pinned me down and dumped ice down my pants.
It was really cold, and I wanted to get it out ASAP, but this was a...
"Rick, don't you want to help your mate move beyond the pain of betrayal after your affair?"
It was certainly important to me, but, initially, my responses to Stephanie's pain only made things worse. Eventually I was able to realize when Stephanie was emotionally flooded, and quickly learned that in those moments I couldn't necessarily make things better, but I could certainly make things worse.
Dealing with intrusive thoughts and painful triggers is critical in surviving infidelity.
I'd like to encourage you today to consider attending our EMS Weekend (in-person or virtual) for further help in understanding how to help your mate heal. Our weekend addresses the pain in an expert driven way for all three parties: the betrayed spouse, the unfaithful spouse, and the...
Do you feel like you're in a battle? You feel weary, run down, and defeated. Is it hard to open your eyes in the morning to face the day? Does the thought of getting up and having to go through the motions of another day feel like more than you can bear? Is the highlight of your day when you can finally bury yourself under the blankets, or a bottle of wine, or [fill in your own blank]?
I understand that well. But, I'd like to share with you today a story of an epic battle and a hard-won victory.
For years, reading aloud was a daily habit for me. My five children and I would get cozy in the living room, the little ones would get a quiet activity like Legos or coloring—and we'd settle in for a good hour or so.
We had started The Chronicles of Narnia. If you're familiar with it, you know it is quite lengthy, filled with epic battles and...
There's a big difference between general anxiety and trauma-induced anxiety. The kind that comes from trauma is a whole different animal. It's like a silent killer that carries with it the fear of being hurt again, and it forces you to relive the pain of the past. Infidelity trauma can feel just like what a veteran experiences when they return from war.
Generalized anxiety is often described as excessive worry about everyday events. It comes from a perceived danger or fear. Trauma-induced anxiety, though, has another layer. With this type of anxiety...
When discussing the future of the marriage, the concept of recommitting eventually takes center stage. I'm reminded of a folk tale about a chicken and a pig trying to decide what each should bring to a big party they're throwing. The chicken says he'd be happy to bring some eggs for the party, and he suggests the pig bring some bacon.
"That's not quite fair," the pig responded, "For you, it's just a contribution, but for me it's everything."
Before I start, let me make a few disclaimers:
Today, I'd like to begin by reflecting on a conversation I once had with an angry, wayward spouse. He had been trying to gain his wife's forgiveness ever since his affair two years prior. Sadly, he wasn't making much progress. The sad part in this particular situation wasn't her inability to forgive him, it was the fact that the bitterness and anger after infidelity were unmanaged and destroying them both.
For the betrayed spouse, the journey after betrayal can be absolutely excruciating. Rather than letting go and choosing to walk through the pain in order to move past it, her antidote to dealing with the betrayal was to try to hurt him as badly as he hurt her. I fear she...
The night I found out the truth about my marriage is one I’ll never forget. Our new living room was cluttered with moving boxes and packing paper. I had just come from the pool with my daughters, and the cool water hadn’t been enough to clear the fog I felt. Revelations had been trickling forth for days. My husband and I had planned to talk after the girls went to sleep. Deep within, I knew something big was coming as the truth was uncovered.
Each summer, as the anniversary of that night nears, I reflect on what life was like before and all that has transpired since. This past year was year six. Coincidentally, we were traveling to a city he had visited with his affair partner, and old memories stirred. I began to think about what I needed to hear back then—what might have carried me through those first painful steps.
If I could go back...
