About ten years ago, I had a client who seemed to be "the king of relapse." Week after week he'd faithfully come to his session, and week after week he'd tell me how he had screwed up. About eight weeks into the process, I finally asked, " Do you really believe it's important to avoid these behaviors?" "Absolutely," he replied. "Then I'm confused. I've always believed behaviors are a far better indicator of a person's belief system than words, and looking at your behaviors, I'd have to say that your actions don't match what you say you believe. Looking at your behaviors, it seems you've got to believe there are times when the behavior is acceptable. What do your actions really say about your belief system?" "Well," he said, "it seems my behaviors say that I believe it's okay as long as...
Woven into our basic makeup is the desire and need to “do life together”. By connecting with others - sharing openly, being honest, and not minimizing our struggles, we develop healthy stress coping mechanisms that enable us to get out of our own heads and keep our hearts and minds healthy.
Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified.
Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it!
Today, I want to discuss a crucial step for the betrayed spouse when recovering from infidelity: letting go. And there’s a lot to this. It’s letting go of the past, letting go of your spouse’s recovery, and letting go of your former ideas of the future.
The material for this week’s article comes directly from our Harboring Hope curriculum, which was written by Leslie Hardie, LCSW, and John Mark Haney, Ph.D., LPC. This 13-week course is specifically designed to help the betrayed spouse heal and move...
After disclosure, it's common for a husband or wife in crisis to ask, What should I do next?" It's a fair question. After your world has been turned upside down by infidelity, it's difficult to know what the proper course of action is to help repair the damage. "What if my spouse is ambivalent?" is another fair question, which can dictate what steps you decide to take in the immediate future. With the uncertainty of the marriage and family swirling around both spouses, finding a unified and strategic course of action can be both challenging and frustrating, but it doesn't have to be.
Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over...
Have you ever done something that just didn't work? When I was 9, I dared my 6-year-old brother to kiss a snapping turtle. Somehow, neither of us anticipated the outcome. The turtle grabbed Jay's lip, and what followed is the stuff of legends. He went into sheer panic mode and started running around, screaming with the turtle hanging from his bottom lip. I chased after him to help him get the darn thing unattached from his lip before Mom discovered my dastardly deed. As you might imagine, it cost me a pretty penny to keep Jay quiet about my failed experiment.
I'm older now and hopefully a bit more thoughtful. I've learned that it's not okay to risk making a mess of someone's life on a hunch, yet that's what sometimes happens during infidelity counseling.
Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn'...
Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited!
To learn when registration opens next, click the button below.
Are you struggling with shame after infidelity and have no idea how to break free from it? This week, I'd like to share material from our Hope for Healing course for wayward spouses. I believe with these tips and insights in hand, the wayward spouse can begin to assess their shame and make strides to overcome it. Additionally, these materials can be incredibly helpful for the betrayed spouse, as it's crucial in recovery work to empathize with and understand what the other person is going through. How Does Ego Attack Our Happiness? It's a safe assumption that, in many ways, the wayward spouse has made their...
The Paralysis of Ambivalence: A Two-Part Series
Within the office walls of therapists who regularly treat infidelity, you'll hear conversations about ambivalence. The wayward spouse may tell their mate they love them, yet they are not in love with them. They say they are ready and willing to break things off with the other person, yet they may really want to be with the other person. They can't seem...
Part 1: Is Ambivalence Common When Healing From Infidelity? Part 2: How Can You Move Past Ambivalence After Infidelity?
The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an...
One truth we've learned at Affair Recovery is that it's not just time that heals wounds; it's how you spend the time that heals wounds. Often, I hear about or see couples that are just plain "stuck." The good news is you don't have to be stuck. You can move toward healing, gain momentum, and sustain, it during your recovery journey.
You might be saying to yourself, "Easier said than done, Rick." I hear you. Trust me, I do. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to move forward. Instead, I want to share how to actually get unstuck during infidelity recovery. If you're feeling frustrated, lost, or just plain stuck, I recommend using these three tips to maintain traction in your personal recovery.
There comes a point in infidelity recovery where you're going to understand what happened...
Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples.
Ever been afraid to look at something? For instance, when you rear-end someone's car and are afraid to get out and look at the damage? Why is it hard for us to look, to acknowledge what happened, and to assume responsibility for our part in it? Tim Keller said in his book, The Meaning of Marriage, , "Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws."
Years ago, I had the privilege of working with a program that helped people who were guilty of crimes but refused to admit involvement. We know that a certain percentage of people convicted of crimes, or even wrongdoing that...
