Have you ever done something that just didn’t work? When I was 9, I dared my 6-year-old brother to kiss a snapping turtle. Somehow, neither of us anticipated the outcome. The turtle grabbed Jay’s lip, and what followed is the stuff of legends: He ran around screaming with the turtle hanging from his bottom lip, and I was working like crazy to get the darn thing off before Mom discovered my dastardly deed. As you might imagine, it cost me a pretty penny to keep Jay quiet about my failed experiment.

I’m older now and hopefully a bit more thoughtful. Along the way, I’ve learned that if you want to run, you’ve first got to tie your shoes. It’s not OK to risk making a mess of someone’s life on a hunch and, yet, that’s what sometimes happens during infidelity counseling.

Why Expert Doesn’t Always Mean Expert

When it comes to the services offered by many general marriage and family therapists, there seems to be little positive momentum gained. I think people genuinely mean well, but there’s little to no training offered by graduate schools on the topic of infidelity. Many profess to be experts in treating infidelity when they’ve really only treated a few cases. At Affair Recovery, we hear stories about this nearly every day.

The fact of the matter is infidelity is a complex beast. Every situation is uniquely different. Our Affair Analyzer alone has more than 850 different outcomes for where people can land after infidelity. Sure, there are trends and there are markers associated with the actions of both wayward and betrayed mates; however, your situation is going to be one of a kind in how it unfolds in your individual world. It will require an expert approach, not one that’s been honed over a few years or a handful of cases.

Where Infidelity Counseling Can Fall Short

Peggy Vaughan, who passed away in 2012, conducted research on infidelity and affairs back when little was known on the subjects. For her original research "Help for Therapists (and Their Clients) in Dealing with Affairs," she surveyed 1,083 people whose spouses had affairs. Vaughan asked the following questions in her research:

'Was the counselor helpful?'

• 57% said "no, mostly frustrating."
• 23% said "yes, but not as much as I’d like."
• 20% said "yes, very helpful."

'Did the counselor focus directly on the issue of affairs?'

• 59% said "no, mainly focused on general marital problems."
• 28% said "yes, but not as strongly or clearly as I’d like."
• 13% said "yes, very directly dealt with this issue."

Vaughan goes on to explain that therapists focusing mainly on general problems "appears to be one of the specific reasons for the 'mostly frustrating' experiences with counseling." She continues:

"Focusing on the marriage (and specifically whatever problems exist in the marriage) inadvertently reinforces the idea that the affair was caused by the marital problems or by a failure to 'meet your partner’s needs.' Suggesting that an affair is due to 'unmet needs' implies that the hurt partner is to 'blame' when their spouse has an affair — and is responsible for keeping it from happening again."

This cause-and-effect approach to infidelity counseling isn't just frustrating, but it's also just plain wrong in my opinion.

Why a Cause-and-Effect Approach Is Problematic

At Affair Recovery, we believe that the hurt spouse isn’t responsible for choices made by the wayward spouse. We also believe the wayward spouse isn’t responsible for choices made by the hurt spouse. We are only responsible for ourselves and our reactions. When therapists blame the marriage or the hurt mate for the affair, they're likely inexperienced in treating infidelity. Again, they might mean well, but they won't be able to help you truly heal unless they're experts on the complexities of betrayal.

To that end, when therapists take a cause-and-effect approach, they might not even realize its potential to hinder healing. But a cause-and-effect approach is problematic, as Vaughan touches upon in her research, because it can reinforce this kind of misinformation:

• If the betrayed mate had been more physically intimate in their relationship, then their partner wouldn’t have cheated.
• If the betrayed mate just stops talking about the affair, then they’d finally develop new momentum in their relationship.
• If the wayward mate strays, even just that once, then it’s normal for the betrayed partner to physically abuse and harm them.
• If the wayward mate had never cheated, then their relationship wouldn’t be in such bad shape today.

When a therapist isn't an infidelity expert, they might also suggest you simply leave your mate because "that’s what they'd do.” At Affair Recovery, we believe that the pain of infidelity can be healed. We also believe that infidelity doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. For some, going through the crisis of infidelity allows them to rebuild their relationship into something better than they'd ever imagined. I, firsthand, can attest to the fact that severe crisis can lead to positive, radical transformation.

How Affair Recovery Approaches Infidelity Recovery

In our Affair Recovery programs and courses, we want participants to feel safe and validated. We also believe maintaining an objective atmosphere is necessary to facilitate healing. A cause-and-effect approach, on the other hand, can go against all of this. It can put the onus on the wrong person, and it can also open the door to blaming and shaming. This doesn't just make the other person feel bad, but it can also make it difficult for you both to heal and move forward.

In EMS Online, Harboring Hope and Hope for Healing, we stress the importance of accepting personal accountability after infidelity. We also pair participants with a small group of others who're going through similar situations. While we recognize that no two infidelity experiences are the same, we believe community and honesty are powerful catalysts for healing.

Although our curriculum is designed by experts, our programs and courses are not meant to replace infidelity counseling with an expert. Alongside therapy, we can help you restore your hope and lay the groundwork for a brighter future — whether you decide to stay in this relationship or start anew. Through our Expert Q&A feature of the Recovery Library, however, current course participants and active Group Leaders can submit questions to me or another Affair Recovery expert, such as Wayne Baker, M.A., LPC; Leslie Hardie, LCSW; and John Mark Haney, Ph.D., LPC.

Below is an example of one of my Q&A videos, in which I tackle this question from a betrayed spouse:

'How Do I Handle the Abrupt Emotional Changes?'

“Hi, Rick. How do I deal with strong emotions that change for no seemingly good reason at all? For example, one day I will feel completely fine, loved, hopeful, happy, grateful for this wake-up call and motivated to work on us (currently in EMSO) and do the best for my family. And in the next moment, I will feel disgust, dread, unloved and unloving, like I just want to leave my spouse and start my life over, one that I deserve.”

As you embark on your recovery journey, I encourage you to enroll in one of our restorative courses and submit a query of your own. Also, I want to point out that while you must be registered in a course to ask a question, you don't have to be enrolled in a course to join our Recovery Library. And once you become a member, you'll gain instant access to more than 1,500 Q&A videos like this one as well as numerous articles, mentor stories and much more. Right now, we’re offering a discount when you sign up for a six- or 12-month recurring Recovery Library membership. I highly recommend taking advantage of this robust resource during your recovery.