How Do You Forgive the Affair Partner?

Samuel shares insight into how to forgive the affair partner after the discovery of infidelity.

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Completely getting over my AP

I am the unfaithful. This video was difficult at times to hear, but helpful. My affair officially ended almost exactly a year ago, though our last contact was only a couple of months ago. My wife was angry but forgiving at first, and kept in contact with my AP, as they had been close. That faded, and they have no relationship at this point. I still struggle with feelings for my AP at times, and I have no ill will towards her at all. She's never lied on me, she's been contrite, she's apologized to my wife, and she's tried to keep her distance from me. I've always had trouble getting over relationships, and have gotten in contact with her several times. That's over...we truly are no longer in contact at all, and I plan on keeping it that way. But I still am holding on to my feelings for her. I think about her every day...I have made a lot of progress, but just can't seem to let her go completely. Without being angry at her, I'm afraid I never will. It feels like this is just something I'm going to have to battle mentally for awhile. Any tips?

great questions....

it's totally normal so know that my friend.  you'll go through a detox period and that's ok and normal and necessary for sure.  i would do what you can to not dwell on those feelings at all, but to shift your focus and think on other things as soon as you can.  you may need a new hobby to be honest.  you may need to take up something as an excuse like running, hiking, wood working, who knows.  but something to occupy your mind.  also, i would suggest you process these feelings with someone besides your wife.  i would try hope for healing on our site:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing  or any support group of other safe men.  to do it with your wife is too painful for her.  i would make sure you have a place to process them, but also a way to get outside of your mind as your mind will try and swallow you up and you don't want that my friend.  you can't necessarily prevent the thoughts like birds from flying over your head, but you can prevent those thoughts/birds from planting a nest in your head/brain.  an old quote that i tell men all the time. 

 

Been there, Done that

Dido. So glad to hear this is not abnormal. I've done the same things and am also struggling. We'll go awhile without any contact, and then one of us will reach out to the other. Stopping this cycle seems impossible.

And what if...

And what if AP got pregnant during the affair and now has a baby with my husband? How I can keep such a woman out of my mind and family. Are her and her baby needs should not be any worry for me and my husband??? How, what you say today can be incorporate in our situation??? I'll be very grateful, for any advice from you Samuel or anybody else... Please!!!

Cindy Beall

Hi Paula - Please look for Cindy Beall as soon as you have a chance and if possible read her books. Her story will resonate a lot with you as it did with me! cindybeall.com She and her story are amazing! Hope it gives you some hope and healing

Great topic

This was a very helpful video. My husbands AP and husband are on this site as well, so I won’t elaborate on details. I have run into my husbands AP several times and I want to say I feel indifferent, but I just don’t. The feelings definitely evolve over time. I still look in disbelief that it’s all real. Seeing her makes it all so tangible. Now it just brings me to a place for a day or so, of being so angry at my husband. I have to relive knowing what horrible things he is capable of. He went into another mans home, brought her into ours. Introduced me to this woman. It’s hard to stay in the “present” at those times and see a new man. at one of the run-ins she said she was so sorry and how she had been so “manipulated”. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism for her own sake or if this is how many unfaithful women feel, but it’s hard for me not to want to lash out. I keep reminding myself I’m not dealing with someone who thinks like I do and to treat her as such. I read months of messages and she was not victim and trying to draw pity from me is ridiculous. I want to strive to do as you suggest and forgive. I know there is nothing to gain from anything to do with the AP. I also hope that if my husband ever runs into her husband and there is an exchange of words that he won’t say anything stupid, since he is an AP as well.

thanks for commenting...

i'm so sorry for the lot you've been given, but i'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and getting help.  you could lay down and not get up, but you didn't.  you've gotten back up and you're getting healthy and being proactive for your own healing.  i'm proud of you.  thank you for posting and commenting.  means more than you know my friend.  i'm cheering you on. 

 

Great topic

This was a very helpful video. My husbands AP and husband are on this site as well, so I won’t elaborate on details. I have run into my husbands AP several times and I want to say I feel indifferent, but I just don’t. The feelings definitely evolve over time. I still look in disbelief that it’s all real. Seeing her makes it all so tangible. Now it just brings me to a place for a day or so, of being so angry at my husband. I have to relive knowing what horrible things he is capable of. He went into another mans home, brought her into ours. Introduced me to this woman. It’s hard to stay in the “present” at those times and see a new man. at one of the run-ins she said she was so sorry and how she had been so “manipulated”. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism for her own sake or if this is how many unfaithful women feel, but it’s hard for me not to want to lash out. I keep reminding myself I’m not dealing with someone who thinks like I do and to treat her as such. I read months of messages and she was not victim and trying to draw pity from me is ridiculous. I want to strive to do as you suggest and forgive. I know there is nothing to gain from anything to do with the AP. I also hope that if my husband ever runs into her husband and there is an exchange of words that he won’t say anything stupid, since he is an AP as well.

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