Are You Too Far Gone? Recovery After Multiple D-Days
In this honest interview, you get to hear from the other half of Candace. Her and her husband’s story is a raw, heart-wrenching journey through years of recovery. From the pain of multiple D-Days and a "fraudulent recovery" to the miraculous rebuilding of their marriage, they are a powerful testament to the possibility of healing even from the basement of rock bottom.
It wasn’t just the information that changed their path but the relationships that came alongside them. If you’ve been missing that critical piece of community, consider joining EMS Online for couples, Hope For Healing for unfaithful spouses, and Harboring Hope for betrayed spouses – all three courses provided critical components of community that were needed to move forward.
What type of affair was it?
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Comments
I agree
In reply to Confused by Jackie59
One of the first things he said was that, as a Marine, he prided himself on being an honor, courage, and commitment kind of guy. Keeping his face hidden the entire time demonstrates none of those. I don't even understand how it protects his identity or his family when his wife already has such a visible presence associated with his infidelity. It makes it seem like he continues to be the president of his own fan club.
I was initially a little
In reply to Confused by Jackie59
I was initially a little surprised at this comment, but upon reflection I know what this would bring up in me. In my childhood, hiddeness was rampant. I was constantly feeling something was wrong, but not seeing what was wrong. That compounded and now "not having all the infomration" triggers my fear and hits that "I'm not safe" button. So I think I get it. My skepticism and doubting can surface.
That being said, one of the founding principles of Affair Recovery is that all people be treated with dignity and respect, including respecting people's right to anonymity. That is evident through the fact that each of us on the forum has a username, not our given name. On calls we use only first names, and no one here shares their photos. Each person's story is theirs to share, we get to invite others in as they choose, and their identiy is theirs to share as well.
One thing that stands out to me is that he is facing Jeremy, and I know he faces all those he's in current relationship with (family, friends, coworkers) in full authenticity and honesty, owning his mistakes. I hope we can all be that way with those we are in active relationship with.
I am not ashamed, I did nothing
In reply to I was initially a little by Amber_AR
If my husband has truly changed, then step into the light and be ready to talk openly about it.
Where was his shame during the 10 months they were fornicating?
If he can't do that then he's still hiding.
Being betrayed
My wife had an affair 51 years ago 1975 finally broke it off with the two guys she was playing around with physically, but yet kept flirting playing around clear up the 2002 when she got cancer in her world fell apart we would go out just the two of us sometimes and she would eyeball somebody that she thought was cute. An egg game to come over and ask her for a dance then when she got out on the dance floor for two or three dances, one of them would usually be a slow dance, and she let the guy slide his hands down on her butt while I’m sitting there watching all this and this went on until 2002 and to this day she is still never told me the truth. She told me just knowing what she did was enough. I didn’t need to know the details so you can figure out the rest how I feel.
My heart goes out to you,
In reply to Being betrayed by Timmy
My heart goes out to you, Timmy. That's so hard. For many years, my spouse was quite a flirt. Waitresses, cashier's at the grocery store, etc. It took him a while to understand how hurtful it was to me, and even longer to stop the behavior because it was so ingrained in him. His father had always done the same thing. I wasn't shy about calling him on it when I was present, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sorry for the hurt this caused you over the years. Harboring Hope helped me to process through the trauma my unfaithful husband's behaviors caused and walked me through necessary steps toward healing. It remains one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. Thank you for being here.
I commend this couple for
I commend this couple for wanting to stay married. However, why go through a polygraph and all of these extremes. It seems crazy to me. How can you trust him? Why would one want to stay married to a person that has disrespected you and themselves. To pay for a program and fake repairing your marriage is diabolical.
Your questions are
In reply to I commend this couple for by Aisha
Your questions are understandable, Aisha. Healing isn't linear and though there may be sililarities, it looks different for everyone. Polygraphs are a way to create safety for the betrayed spouse while also offering accountability to the wayward spouse. They aren't right for everyone (as Candace's husband shared in the video) but for some, they can be a very helpful tool. After my husband's affairs, I thought I was crazy for staying. I questioned my own decision often. But I also thought that if there was any way to redeem the nearly two decades we'd spent together, I wanted to try. If there was a way to spare my children the heartache of a broken home, I wanted to try. I didn't want to look back at some point in the future and think, "What if I had stayed?" If the marriage ended, I wanted to know that I had done all that was within my power to work toward restoration. I didn't want any regrets. People can, and do, change. And because I chose to stay, I get to see a tangible example of it every day.
Hi Katie, I'm not sure if
In reply to Question by Katie
Hi Katie, I'm not sure if your question is to Candace and her husband or to the forum in general. I think it is a great follow up question and a good idea for a future vlog.
For my husband and i (we also had about 3.5yrs before we believed we could 100% commit to a future together), our physical relationship came to a full stop while we did individual healing around sex and physical interactions. We actually didn't do much more than hold hands or hug for about the first 2.5 yrs of recovery b/c it took that kind of halt to make new patterns possible. Then we slowly worked our way back through basic physical affection, eventually to intimacy. We needed an adult way of interaction where we could be honest, say yes, say no, ask for what we needed, and mostly - have fun and not take ourselves so seriously. There was a lot to overcome, and for us, physical intimacy was part of our journey and honesty about what we were available for (no obligation and no compromise) was key.
I know it isn't like that for everyone. Many couples I know have continued to engage physically, and for some of them it seems to work. Not everyone has the same issues or history in the area of sex. There is no one way.
Here is a recent podcast around the topic which may be helpful: https://www.affairrecovery.com/podcast/ep-005-rediscovering-sex-intimac…
I'd be interested in what others have to share.
As a betrayed partner still
As a betrayed partner still trying to piece together the puzzle that was 20 years of my life, I don't think I'm ever going to assemble that puzzle when my partners hiding some pieces but pretends he's not. I know in my gut there are pieces missing and I refuse to believe otherwise, because up until now the pieces I have are only pieces I'VE found. He's never just given them to me and so I'm at a point now where I acknowledge that my gut IS THE TRUTH. I don't need to know what the pieces look like to know that they are missing. I am over 1 year passed discovery, although I've been gaslit and manipulated for 20 years. One year after it all came to a head and I'm still stuck in this traumatic loop. I can't believe that this is my life!!! When I look at Candice I see a sadness, and I know that for the rest of my life there's always going to be a part of me that is broken. I'm never going to be the same.
The sadness
In reply to As a betrayed partner still by Sarabi
Yes, I too see it in the betrayed. It's like they've been hollowed out. Even their smile seems artificial.
Never will we be whole again.
It's easy to feel that way. I
In reply to The sadness by Jackie59
It's easy to feel that way. I totally get it. In fact, there was a time I felt the same way. I definitely had fake smile syndrome as I tried to nagivate the horendous pain. My husband's affairs utterly broke me. It was completely out of my control, however, pursuing individual healing was something I could, and did, do for myself. It has been nearly eight years since my husband's last affair and I can say that I am whole. It took time and effort, but healing is possible. His past actions don't define my life or my identity. What's more, I have become a better person because of the struggle. Would I choose to go through it again? No. But I can appreciate that the trial changed me for good in many ways and I'm grateful for that. Now, I no longer approach life from a place of brokenness. That same healing is available to you as well. You don't have to stay broken.
Thank you for the vulnerability and transparancy
I cannot believe how closely your experience resembles mine and it is VERY helpful and painful to hear what you have gone through. This whole experience never leaves us the same and that is a very good thing. The hard part is choosing a different future and present than what you had always worked towards and hoped for all throughout the marriage It wasn't my choice to obliterate the marriage but it s my choice to come up from the ashes of it . Your words have helped me to gain additional courage in this struggle for a better and growing and loving and thriving marriage. There is indeed hope when both partners are in the fight together for the same outcome. What a extremely difficult and challenging and painful journey. What a beautiful future that can rise from all of that as well. Praise God....for He is in the journey not to take way the hurt but to grow us through the hurt. Thank you to you both for sharing the raw stuff that has brought you this far. I'm proud of you both for getting this far.....what tremendous encouragement for the rest of us that are still held deeper in the trenches with a desire and perseverence to come out on top of the tragedy of infidelity and its carnage and wreckage. You have bloomed something beautiful and strong from it all. WOW!!!!
Thank you so much for your
In reply to Thank you for the vulnerability and transparancy by Choosing to fi…
Thank you so much for your kind words. It truly blesses my heart to know that the message resonated with you.
I agree that it is weird that
I agree that it is weird that the husband did not show his face. Other than that, I found it to be the most helpful and honest podcast from a recovered couple that I have heard to date. I appreciate that he admitted how he faked his way through EMS Online and would never have come clean without the polygraph. Both of these things happened to me. My partner also faked his way through EMS Online and about a year later when we were trudging through the recovery process (like Candace, I had discovered so much more than he originally admitted), and headed towards a full disclosure and polygraph, he told me he would have never fully divulged his story without the polygraph. But then he bailed on the polygraph and I never got the full disclosure or the polygraph. So we are broken up. Despite the sad fact that my partner chose not to pursue healing, it is heartening to see that some people do. I love to know that some people decide to do the really hard work and what that can look like. If my partner had been willing to do that, I would have tried to stay with him to experience the love and connection that you can get from true intimacy. I have been out of the relationship for around 9 months now and still feel grief. Listening to this podcast and seeing what it takes to make it work highlights that my relationship was destined for failure because of my partner's inability to choose to change for the better. But along with the grief there is a lot of gratefulness that I can keep working on myself and no longer have to be a private investigator with a hyped up nervous system suffering from abuse. In sum, thank you both for your candor . . . it is rare and much appreciated!
Podcast with Candace and her husband
Thank you so much for all your podcasts and posts. This one particularly was so helpful to me. Our story is much like theirs. Unfortunately after numerous short term affairs, both physical and emotional and with some pornography involvement, my husband continues to not take accountability for his behaviors. We have been married 51 years and are considering divorce. Our daughters have now decided to be estranged from both of us since the last online episode two months ago. This has been going on for 15 years off and on. Our daughters also found out about several of these affairs before me. We are both seeing therapists individually but need marital counseling if there is any chance for recovery. Thank you for hearing me.
You are so welcome here,
In reply to Podcast with Candace and her husband by Patrice
You are so welcome here, Patrice. Thank you for sharing your story with us. While we can't control the outcome of the marriage, we can absolutely seek individual healing and wholeness - and it's a very worthwhile effort! Harboring Hope literally changed my life and gave me the strength to persevere through the most painful experience I'd ever encountered. I'm not sure I believed I could ever be whole again when I started, but I believed it by the time the course ended. Regardless of what your spouse chooses or whether the marriage can be built afresh, YOU can be okay. You can live a life of joy and fulfilment. Community support is so important as you walk through this, which is another benefit of Harboring Hope. My heart goes out to you.
grateful to you both
There are many parallels between this husband and my own - no disclosure, only discovery and master class gaslighting. He is committed to having a secret second life where other women are available for ego feeding etc. We've been together 20+ years, he started downloading dating apps in year 4 of our marriage. Nine in total. I found the messages confirming the irl hookup with on of his Tinder matches. Through it all, he lied and lied and lied some more. "It was just for titillation, if anything" "I wanted to understand the revenue model as I'm in software" "How else am I supposed to make friends?" "I never wanted to replace you". I too experienced incidents of violent rage at the constant disrespect, like Candace I see all too well now how easily a situation like that can escalate. Now, I do not go physically close to my husband for any reason, as he is still committed to lying to me. There isn't much I can do about that other than divorce him, which I am doing, though he is resisting me at every step - he doesn't love me anymore, but he doesn't want the embarrassment of a divorce that he'd have to explain, because divorce doesn't fit into his narrative, and try as he might, it's difficult to make me out to be the bad guy to people who really know us. I'm super grateful to hear Jeremy's side (hope that's his name, I can't scroll up to double check) - it makes me feel better to know a man *can* overcome the guilt and shame. Because even though I am done with this marriage, I want the man who will soon no longer be my husband to have a better life than one as a deceiver. Nothing I can do about it except leave. I don't believe that will even hurt him enough to feel like consequences - he's too busy lying to himself about how things I have done have "made" him cheat and I should just get over it because it wasn't important and why can't I come to my senses.
Thank you for taking the time
In reply to grateful to you both by S.M.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. I'm glad you found Candace's video relatable and encouraging. And just in case you don't already know this, you are not to blame, in any way, for your mate's choices. Our choices only speak to our own character, not anyone else's. I also want you to experience healing from this trauma so please seek out a professional therapist or take our Harboring Hope course for betrayed partners. Regardless of whether you stay married or pursue divorce, healing is necessary. Pain that is not processed and put in proper place will resurface down the road. Give yourself the gift of recovery.
Appreciate this episode so much
This was a powerful episode. While having seen a number of Candace's videos before, there is so, so much more to her/their story than previously shared, and the "rest of the story" puts everything in perspective. One time my individual therapist said "It can always be worse" and that phrase came to my mind when I watched this. And, I experienced some of the exact same things in terms of wanting vengeance and not being able to go back to church for some time. I also ended up in a place of indifference towards the AP's (two of them) after what started out as rightious indignation about what looked from the outside like zero consequences. There is peace in indifference compared to the alternatives; forgiveness for them seems irrelevant at this point. It would require too much thought and emotional energy, and they don't deserve it. As my therapist pointed out, they likely did/will have consequences. Thanks for the vulnerability it took to share this expanded story.
Are You Too Far Gone?
That gut feeling......that somehow appears at interludes, not over months but for years! That nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is off but you just cannot put your finger on it and there is no substantial proof! D-Days??? I've actually lost count because as Candace says there is just more and more! My husband was the solid foundation to my WHOLE life until that fatal Friday afternoon. That was the start of a VERY long road that at this stage is not straight or remotely idyllic. I'm ruminating more and more........
Candace's husband said that they were the "Hallmark Card!" I refer to it as "Window Dressing?" Everything is 99% perfect until you delve deeper and deeper into this world that actually would become my "Dark Web" The Double Life of risks, deceit, secrets and unconscionable choices!
Candace, I have loved and resonated with all your videos and I wonder how many people realise what it actually takes to try and hold it all together?
The panic attacks, the uncharacteristic bouts of rage and grief that soak your shattered heart. I resonate completely.
A question for your husband is "Why did he choose to risk it all?" I still cannot wrap my head around that.
With much gratitude and sincere appreciation to Affair Recovery.
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