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I am hurting.

It has been a year since d-day, and I have been in therapy for just about as long... My wife actually made my first appointment 3 days after d-day so that I would take my life. It has been an almost unbearable road ever since then.

While the pain has dissipated, and thank God that it has, the hole is still there in my heart...

So many things I don't understand about my W's A...

I am just so very tired of it all. It just wears on a person. The thoughts, pictures, videos, messages, playing over and over in my head.

I AM READY TO MOVE FORWARD.. I NEED TO!!

My kids need me to, my wife needs me to, and I need me to.

I pray that Harboring Hope can help to bring me through this terrible time. I feel as if I have so much to offer this world, but am so very broken at the moment that I can still barely make it through the day.

I truly thank you for your consideration. Praying and hopeful that this is the answer.

My relationship is worth more than this, my children deserve better. Though my fiance didn't cheat physically that I am aware or, or that he will admit, he struggles majorly with sexual addiction to porn. He struggles with staring inappropriately at women, lying and hiding this to keep the secrecy for as long as possible.

He has since told me that he as stopped but the damage that it has caused me is debilitating physically and emotionally. The toll it takes on me everyday is awful. If trust cannot be restored in our relationship I am afraid I can't continue to feel this kind of hurt every time he leaves the house. We cannot leave as a couple because of the pain I am afraid to feel.

For almost 5 years my husband has been unfaithful. Yes, he has viewed porn and gone on dating websites. But, this infidelity has to do with a lot of lies. His being unfaithful was with every woman he deemed attractive when we went out. In the store,when we went out to eat, or went out for a drive -- his eyes looking at them up and down and then lying to me about what he was looking at. It got to the point that we stopped going out, we stopped dating because the pain was too much. Anxiety ensued the moment we had to go anywhere. Dread at the thought of leaving our home because of how hurtful it was. Finding out he was still looking at porn on his phone, and hiding magazines at our shed only made things worse. Things got to the point that I couldn't leave my home to sit in my own yard because of the joggers that would go by. I am living in the prison of my own home, with no way out. We have downloaded apps that track his GPS and phone history but they don't account for his integrity in his heart so no trust is getting built. I live with my shades drawn and not leaving my house because of the pain he has caused and I'm on the verge of giving up because I literally cannot live this way anymore. We need help. His eyes, his heart, those things cannot be accounted for with an app. He talks to women at work and deletes the text messages still even though they are nothing of concern. It then makes me wonder what is happening with that woman at work?

What happened to the blogs??
I enjoyed reading them. They helped me a lot.

I am torn in so many ways.I felt my heart rip out of my chest cavity. I had known about a previous affair in which we did not get any help on. I managed to stay and move on but did not realize that there was so much more stored in me that after finding out abut this new affair.
It has crippled me. For over 17 months I was incapable of normal behaviors.
I don't know how I made it through the daily routine I was in FOG all the time.
I made so many mistakes at my business and with Covid it but almost put me out of my mind.
It drove me to contemplate suicide many times if it were not for my children and my elderly mom that needs so much attention I may have done it.
The back and forth of my wife was more painful than anything I have ever experienced in my whole life put together.
I need men to speak with that know the pain and listen from them as to how to cope and move forward.

Thank you,
E

I could really use this course because my pain from my husband's prior affair/betrayal is keeping me trapped and unable to move on. My husband is trying to reconcile but this seemingly bottomless well of pain keeps me from getting close to him. I want to heal. It is time.

My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and were together for 6 years before that. 3.5 years ago during MC he confessed to having feelings for a mentee coworker. I had already suspected as much over the preceding few months, but felt guilty about my lack of trust in someone who had always treated me well. Our MC told him he needed to cut off all nonwork contact with her. At home he was furious about that, and said that we had no right to expect him to give up a friendship. I thought that if we just stuck with MC his need for that relationship would fade. Then life threw us some curveballs and we dropped out of MC.

This "friendship" has been an EA going on right in front of my face for those 3.5 years. As time has gone on, the disregard for my feelings and blatant inappropriate behavior has escalated. He started lying about spending time with her and turning off his phone so I wouldn't know where he was. I have tried over and over to get him to understand how hurtful his behavior is, to no avail. I have become very anxious and depressed, and have started IC for my own wellbeing. The free resources on AR have been very helpful, and I would love to take the Harboring Hope course to work specifically on issues related to the infidelity.

Last weekend his behavior with her finally pushed me past my limit, and I told him it was her or me. He broke it off with her the next day, and we are now starting our recovery journey. At this point he does not seem to think we should be in MC or take a couples course, but he does want to repair and rebuild our marriage. I am at such a low point that I need to move towards my own healing regardless of where he is, and Harboring Hope really sounds like the way to do that.

It seems like he and i have two very different outlooks on what happened. Our stories differ so much. And now, 4 years after he moved back home i can barely feel the love. I know i want him and us. But i feel so hollow and torn apart.
I used to be so proud to call ourself high school sweethearts, now I feel ashamed to even say it to people we meet because we arent sweethearts anymore. They typically assume it was easy and dont known the pain weve been through.

I found out about my husband's infidelity on February 17,2019. It was purely by accident I had discovered by looking in his work calendar that he had taken Valentine's Day off but he was not with me.( This affair I found out a little later lasted 2 years). So it began the hell that was to insue. I knew of this person and reached out to her a few months after because my husband was not answering any of my questions so I had to do all the investigation myself. She told me many things about their relationship and I confirmed these things with him. By the way they both believed they were soul mates and in love yet I had been married to this man for 35 years and she was also married to a man she had married not once but twice. Anyway call me crazy but I befriended her (as the old adage goes, keep your enemies closer) There is so much more to this story but anyway I also found out that he was having an affair with another person for probably 5 years that supposedly meant nothing ha ha the problem I am having after watching one of the videos on Who is the other Women is that it says in the video that "Usually the unfaithful spouse overvalues the AP and the betrayed spouse devalues the AP well in my case it's the opposite. I cannot seem to get her out of my mind. I feel she has more than me or did and I just can't shake these feelings of not being good enough even though I have tried so many things through self love. Can Harboring Hope help me.

Best,

Tammy

My day was March 13-23 2019. After trying to stay together and finally divorcing in sept 2019. We remarried this past June. I feel like I'm living a double life. I have to act like I've "gotten over it" or risk arguments or possibly another divorce. Please help me. Im loosing my mind

We are 6 months post DD1 of my wife’s affair. We are doing so much better but I feel stuck in a rut at times. I have forgiven her an just need help moving forward. I was better but then the intrusive thoughts returned an the nightmares. My wife is doing everything she should an is great.

So we are 7 years out from my discovery, and we had healed well and been ok for several years. But during this last very stressful year, I have discovered many lies and confronted my husband of 26 years, which was followed by his denial. After months of me continuing to ask and waiting, it is clear that he will not be completely honest with me. He has several addictions and needs to deal with them, but he won’t. So it’s time for me to focus on myself, no matter what happens in our marriage.

I never thought I would be here fighting for my marriage to overcome the hurt and pain of infidelity but here we are, my husband and I are pushing thru this painful season. It has been 1yr since DDay and it is definitely a fight everyday to survive. My husbands affair lasted 1 1/2 yrs. I have found so much help and peace thru our healing journey with Affair recovery. I’m thankful I came across your blogs and videos. We still fight everyday to save our 26yr marriage. Sincerely StrengthHopeLove ??

My wife has a relationship with my friend that I expressed concern about. Instead of addressing my concern she continued the relationship. One day I decided to look at the phone record and I was not prepared to see what I saw. I had no idea how many times a day they were communicating. As soon as I left for work they were communicating with each other. I later found out that they were doing things together without either of their spouses. As I confronted her she would say that they were "just friends". I thought I would feel comfortable if they put some boundaries in place for their friendship, for example, no more activities with just the two of them and to limit their contact to once a week. I could not find peace even though those boundaries were put into place. Looking back, I think I was in denial of what this relationship really was and I was in denial that my wife and my friend would do this. At the time I was struggling with my employment and I would come home and try to problem solve with my wife to look at other employment options. With no compassion in her voice my wife would tell me that I was depressed and to go get counseling. I felt completely alone. I was devastated when my friend told me how much my wife was supporting him with his anxiety. Finally, with the the help from our pastor, my wife and friend were asked to discontinue their relationship to which they agreed. My wife told me that she felt that my friend was a better husband and father because he helped out around the house more and spent more time with his children. As I tried to make the adjustments to be a better husband and father I felt that my effort was not appreciated. We agreed to go to therapy and I told the therapist that I felt that if I had given my wife an ultimatum to either choose me or my friend I would have lost. The therapist looked at my wife and said would of he lost and my wife replied "oh yea".

As we continued on our jouney to healing I felt like I was doing most of the work and my wife was not all in. I would share with her my feelings and she would get defensive and say I am doing so much for you. I don't go over to his house and I don't communicate with him. A year and a half after D day my wife said she was going for a drive which was not unusual. However, for my own peice of mind I decided to drive by to see if she was at this guys house which she was. It turns out that she has lied to me on several occations about going over to the friends house. She justified it by saying that she went their to visit his wife who is her friend (that has added another level of complexity). After this I still had a gut feeling that I was missing something so I snooped and found 14 letters from this man to her. It turns out he had put a magnet on the bottom of his mailbox through which they were exchanging letters. Another way my wife and my friend had justified their relationship is by saying that it was a brother / sister type friendship. When I read those letters they were not letters you would write to your sister. I was very hurt by them. My friend has labeled me as a Narcissist and there was a deep emotional connection in the language and content of the letters.

Through out this whole experience my dear wife continues to minimize the relationship. It has caused me to question myself and who I am. I felt like I must be overreacting, controlling, and crazy. As I would confront her or share my feelings, she would get very angry at me. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I have done a lot of reading and soul searching trying to find myself in all of this. As I found information that validated my feelings, I would share the articles or books with her and say see I am not crazy. Sharing these articles with her has backed fire on me, she hates them and feels like I am being manipulative and am treating her as a child. As she continues to minimize the impact of her behavior the more I try to find answers. It has become a very unhealthy obsession. I feel like if I can just get her to understand then we can move forward and repair the harm that has been done. I have found myself in a hole that I can't seem to escape. I know I need to stop trying to get her to understand as I have realized she is consumed with shame and is not at a place where she can understand. I know that I need to work on myself to get me out of the hole.

I found out just a little over a month ago that my husband was having an affair that started about 3 years ago. The encounters happened while he was on a business trip at the plant where she worked. The physical encounters ended after a year as their company closed that plant, but he continued to text and email with her up until I found out about them. He immediately ended all communication with her and has really done everything to make sure she is blocked from his (and our) lives. I have been trying to comprehend the extent of their relationship and why it happened.
He is open and honest with me and is really trying to do all the right things, but I just feel like an empty human being with no emotions. Hence the walking dead!
Sometimes I feel a little angry, sometimes a tear will flow. I read about how important it is to grieve, but I'm lost as to what I should be grieving about. I feel selfish if I'm supposed to be grieving about me and my loss. It feels unproductive to just be mad about what he did to "us". I really want to move on, but have no idea where to start.

I just want to say thank you for all the great information you've put out there. I really appreciate the regular emails and posts.

I found out my husband was having a so called 'emotional" affair, just after our 20th anniversary. He swears he never slept with the girl, but I have my doubts. He gets really angry when anyone says he had an affair. He initially tried to lie and say they were just friends and he felt sorry for her. But then I found a text he had sent her and he was obviously in love with her. I tried my best to stay together, but we wound up getting divorced last September and then we remarried in June. He has been nothing but good to me, but I can't forgive him. I have read and tried my best, but I just can't. I love him, but its different now. I really want to move past this. I feel like I'm living a lie and sometimes I just want to punch the wall I get so angry. But I have to keep it all inside. He gets mad if I even try to talk about it. He days its over and done. But not for me. I need some help!
Thank you

I was the betrayed.  My wife came clean after our 13 years of marriage that she had been struggling with this dual life, and the hidden life was a history of 4 affairs (2 while we were engaged and 2 while we were married).  They all seem to have unique dynamics to them, not one the same as the other except for someone offering her emotional connection, and they all seem so different from anything I or anyone else knew she was capable of.  She is a Christian, always strong in her beliefs, but suffered some heavy mental trauma before we met and it clearly was doing unbelievable damage to her internally.

I wasnt the best husband, I had taken on the banner of my father's and my father father's curse of emotional detachment.  While I didn't cheat, physically abuse, or treat her terribly, the fact that I was emotionally detached (and depressed) and engulfed with my career exacerbated her trauma (and mine for that matter, sabatoging my own desires of loyal companionship and love).  I left her emotionally thirsty and her greatness weakness was men who had water. She blamed me throughout our marriage, and births of our 2 incredible children, for being a poor husband, ruining our marriage and even said a few times that she wanted a divorce.  We continued our busy lives though and I shut down further, but little did I know she had cheated on me before the marriage started and after with a 1 year shallow affair with a coworker and another 3 year deep emotional/physical affaor (most recent) with an acquaintance (who was also married).   Disclosure was March 30th this year and random (she even noted how things were ok between her and AP). Even after disclosure, she blamed me for it, but broke the affair off because she didn't want to live like that any more. She also didn't want me, asking that we just go our seperate ways, but took 2 weeks via text/phone to let her AP down "easy".  All of this catapulted me out of my decade long depression and I fought back and fought for her, and after 2 months and a few MC sessions, we reconciled.  Because we didn't have the tools yet to sustain, it didn't last long. She was burying her guilt and trying to live in the moment with me (the changed version of me who had battled to reclaim my identity), and I was uncontrollably cycling in and out of sadness/bitterness/confusion of the what and how she had the affairs. It came to a head in late September, her still covertly blaming me for her actions, and she again shut me off after 5 months saying "this will never work".  We ramped back up the therapy and she is doing individual sessions now too, but she is very cold and distant and still seems to have little acknowledgment of how bad we botched the meaning of love and did subtle things to disregard the others feelings.  She moved to the guest room, engulfs herself in her job, works late to avoid coming home (which is a trigger bc that's how she disguised cheating before) and overall is venomous towards me, saying "you are too unstable with your feelings and be honest with yourself, you don't love me."  Our kids are incredible (6 and 10) and don't know anything yet, but are starting to sense our dysfunction and I obviously see the small seeds of dysfunction we passed along to them.  My wife, who is a caring mom, has now struggled to be the mom she should due to her long work hours and desire to stay away from home to avoid me and my "heaviness". Again, a covert attempt to blame me.  It seems that all hope is lost, and initially I blamed myself for not being able to manage my emotions when we were actually trying to work it out, but I know its more of her continued struggle to overcome the guilt and shame that is equally a roadblock. 

Due to my new found awareness of life,  pointless things that held my attention in the past (sports, TV, demanding career, news etc), mean very little or nothing at all to me anymore. I'm home significantly more and much more present for my kids and even her. I completely reorganized my priorities and am leaning more on God than I ever had before. He keeps sending me the message of "Be still and Know..."....so I patiently give her the space she wants and the time God needs to work a miracle.  I read, read, read more and do therapy/talk to my pastor and pray.  The loneliness, despair, question of "Is she worth it?" continue to plague me for hours a day, but I love her, even in her mess, and I know I shouldn't take her posturing and venom personally as she has to be in such disarray, having taken the biggest step to put it all out in the open after 14 years and lay it at the feet of God.  Ill continue to be optimistic due to her commitment to therapy and the fact that she is still under the same roof, but hope seems to be a difficult thing to hold onto for extended periods of time. 

The fruit is that God delivered her from a destructive path and delivered me from the empty life of depression I was living for so long.  But the work has just begun and now that I have such sensitivity to the emotions I buried for so long, the agony of experiencing it is physically and mentally exhausting. I will make it through this valley, and while it is no guarantee a restored marriage is on the other side, at least I Know a healthier version of me is most definitely there waiting. 

i have been married 31yrs. I was unfaithful about 4yrs in. Unbeknownst to me, my spouse has never recovered and only stayed for our son. The new D-day was July. My spouse is now unfaithful and dating an a.p. 1/2 our age. I believe it's a mid life crisis.
Doesn't change that my spouse is sure the a.p. Is the one. Right now I'm feeling pretty lonely and pathetic.

We are 28 months past d-day. Multiple relapses, adult children won't talk to me and I am still sitting right where I was 28 months ago. We've spent all of our money on therapist and several groups each. I know better. I just don't do better. ?

Please help my heart heal

I am 55 years old and my unfaithful husband just turned 40. We've always had challenges in our marriage based on the age difference; he doesn't have biological children and I do (however he did adopt my youngest child). I've always feared that at some point the age difference would be a problem for him.
In December of 2019, he was up for a big promotion at work, and everyone felt confident that he would get the job. He did not, the good old boy buddy system got in the way and he was passed over. He was absolutely devastated. He is a man who always gets what he wants, he's very charismatic, lucky, and a natural leader.
While he was still reeling from that, he decided that he didn't want to be in that situation ever again and he wanted to be his own boss. He had run businesses before and decided to strike out on his own in a new field. I supported this and the drain it would make on our finances. I also work and earn good money as an Accountant. Our daughter is in college and we are paying for that as she goes, no financial aid, etc.
Two weeks after starting the new business, enter COVID-19. He was forced to try to get the business off the ground remotely, meeting in coffee shops, parks, etc. while forming his sales team. He eventually found a place to least where he could control the COVID restrictions and signed a one-year lease. He soon was able to attract an experienced sales woman from a rival business, and she brought a lot of business with her. You guessed it, she's the AP.
Each week he has Guy Night, where he and his four friends have dinner and play board games. I've always encouraged it and never given him issues over spending this time with the guys. One week I texted him because I saw a TV show announcement that he would be interested in. He didn't answer. I waited and texted again 20 minutes later, no response. I finally called because I was getting concerned. No answer. He called back and I could tell by the background noise he was in a bar, and that's something this guy group just doesn't do. He said they wanted a change. It turns out he was with her, alone, at a pool hall/bar. I believe this was the night they "connected". I found that he was on the phone with her for an hour on the way home at 10:30pm and asked him about it. He said, "I can tell you, but you're not gonna like it." And that was the beginning. He blew up at me in anger, told me I had never been enough for him and that he had always had little women on the side for texting and lunch/dinner. I'm overweight and older and I don't interest him anymore, I'm boring, etc. My world was blown apart. Everyone, myself included, was in shock because we all thought we had the perfect relationship. I asked him to leave, he moved out. I filed for divorce and we're in the process now. He moved back in a month ago to save money and I asked for one last chance to work on the marriage. He agreed. Here we are.

I am a survivor of infidelity. I continue to search for literature & spiritual guidance in regards to my forgiveness journey. Never ever thinking our marriage of 23+ yrs would be faced with such challenges here my husband and I stand strong. We are committed and have found new strengths in this together although the pain many days is heart wrenching. I thank God everyday for finding your resources, they have truly helped me. I continue to see the light thru all the darkness and know our love will survive this stormy season. I hope to continue to find clarity and peace thru your Hope Restored Program ?

We are 3.75 years past D-day and have received counseling from your typical marital counselor that focused on communication, respect, identifying feelings and how to express them. Not one counselor grasped my need for complete transparency, total honesty, or full disclosure. Nor did we delve into the whys about my SA husband cheating. I have learned more on affairrecovery.com than from the hundreds of hours spent in a marriage counselor's office. I feel the marriage counselors we saw have done us more harm than good. We are on the brink of divorce. With or without my husband's support, I am desperately trying to save our marriage and stop my hemorrhaging.

Hope? It’s hard to hold on to!