Enter Drawing for Harboring Hope for Free

Welcome to Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope Monthly Drawing. We want to know you. We want to serve you. This means we want to hear from you!

The first step is telling us what we can do for you. Please tell us why you’d like to take Harboring Hope. If you made a comment prior to a previous registration period, that comment is still good for your entry.

Remember, submit a comment of 500 words or less about why you'd like to take the Harboring Hope course. Remember, it's a random drawing so your entry won't be based on merit or on your situation. Comments will be moderated by AR staff. Drawings will be held monthly. If you'd like more information, you can also read our official rules.


The winner for March 2024 was "Anonymous"
with the entry "Entry into Class".
Congrats!!

The winner for Feb 2024 was "Todd"
with the entry "Learning How To Grow".
Congrats,Todd!!!!

The winner for January 2024 was "DebU"
with the entry "Wash Rinse Repeat".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for December 2023 was "TonyaSue22"
with the entry "Will he ever stop".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for November 2023 was "Sara"
with the entry "Lying through EMS".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for October 2023 was "LunaR"
with the entry "Stuck and Confused".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for September 2023 was "Kindergirl"
with the entry "Not My First Rodeo".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for August 2023 was "Betrayed"
with the entry "I Need a Path Forward".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for July 2023 was "Carolyn"
with the entry "No one really understands".
Congrats, Carolyn!!!!


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Comments

Disillusioned

I married the most wonderful man I had ever known—he’s 64 and I’m 59. We dated over two years and married in 2014, a second marriage for both of us. I discovered that from the day we married (and probably before), my husband has actively pursued other women with the pretense of helping them. To my knowledge, none of them had sex with him, as it became obvious to them over time what his real motive was. In my quest to piece everything together, I have discovered emails, texts, and Facebook messages to every potential AP. I have also discovered that he is a chameleon. He knew that my first husband was volatile and verbally abusive, so he was a safe, cuddly teddy bear to me. It seems to be a game of chase to him, taking months to build trust before wooing for sex. Things got really bad when he started pursing a 24-year-old online. She lived two hours away and their communication was always via text or FB message (her choice). Over a year and a half period, he spent over $50,000 on her, paying all her bills (she was on the verge of bankruptcy) and sending her expensive gifts—all without my knowledge. We jointly own a contracting business and live frugally, so you can imagine my shock when I noticed money being shelled out for luxury items that I never saw and all-expense paid trips that we didn’t take. I started monitoring his texts and saw they were sexting. When I told him she had to go, the thought of being without his drug of choice was too much. He told me if I didn’t like it, I could leave. So I did. Free at last, he asked her out continually over the next five-months, and she always had an excuse. They never went on a date and never had sex. After five months of marital separation he begged me to come back. I did, but I have reason to believe she is still in his life. I think he met his match in her. She is the most cunning, manipulative person I have ever witnessed. This whole ordeal has strengthened my spiritual journey and I am closer to God, so something good came out of it. But I’ve accepted that my marriage may be a lost cause if things are status quo. I’ve let go of anger, while doing my best to manage the pain, and I’m finally resigned to move on, if it comes to that. I just want off this roller coaster and will do whatever it takes to get there.

Addendum

My D-date was February 2018.

Harboring Hope

My husband of 15 years had a 6 month affair with a coworker which ended only a month ago. Emotions are running so high in our home, and your articles and videos have been so beneficial to both of us. We both want to do everything we can to save our marriage, though I am having the worst time of my life coming to terms with the situation. I would love to join your program and develop the skills I need in order to heal from my trauma and move on in happiness with my husband. Thank you for your consideration.

We really need help

We really need help

We weren't married but it still was a partnership

My ex left me after his year long emotional affair came to light 6 months ago during our 7 year relationship. He now wants to work on our relationship, he's realised it was a naive fantasy and how he regrets telling me his love for me was no longer enough. He now seems like the man I knew after becoming someone I didn't recognise during his affair. I am very unsure on what it is I want, do I want to try again with him? We weren't married but marriage is something I always wanted, is it still possible after all of this? We have been separated for a while, am I just simply his safety back up choice? I have so many questions and feel stuck in knowing how to move forward. I feel like it's time to get to know my own mind and understand what it is that I want.

Don’t want to lose

After 37 years of marriage,here we are! Infidelity again. After many years of not acting out, my worse nightmare happened. Before my husband would say...it was nothing. It was only sex....I would reply ...one day you are gonna fall in love. Then what? It happened. On my 56 th birthday, the text message I found on his phone. The one professing his undying love...geez, I can hardly talk about any further. Short version, I found AR online. We have benefited from all of the free material. We watch the videos together. We are in ind, group and couples therapy. He realizes he has SA. We are taking the steps. But deep in my heart, I don’t know how to go on. Everything feels so tainted. Every memory. Every pic. My birthday will forever be ruined. I need HHope badly!

Harboring hope entry

Because I'll never stop fighting to heal my betrayed spouse.

That is wonderful

I am glad you are so dedicated in helping your spouse. As one myself I can tell you they need that more then anything they ever needed before.

Devastated but Hopeful

I have been with my partner for almost 6 years now. Within the last 6 months, my life was completely flipped upside down due finding multiple emotional affairs. I am struggling to recognize my own feelings and how to work through them. My partner desperately wants us to work things out, and I am willing to try, but that may not mean we'll come out together at the other end. Together or not, I will still be myself. I'd like to take this heartbreak and use it to teach myself new skills, and be a better person for myself, as well as my partner. I may not be 100% hopeful about our relationship, but I am still hopeful to learn and grow through this. If it wasn't for COVID, we would be purchasing online tickets for the EMS weekend, but unfortunately we just do not have the resources anymore.

I’ve lost all hope

In September, my world came crashing down around me.. again. My now husband, our 4th anniversary is in July, has done this before. 7 years ago, I found he had been cheating on me and addicted to pornography, and my body just shut down. I started having seizures daily, I couldn’t eat or drink anything. I lost myself. He constantly reminded me how bad my bad days were and shamed me. I didn’t do any research, didn’t reach out to anyone and I suffered in silence. I dealt with triggers and the trauma, however I could. he made promises, he obviously didn’t keep. He made me think things were ok. Somehow we made it to a place where I trusted him, were married, and now here I am. We didn’t do any counseling. This time, I’ve scoured your website, read every article. Listened to all the pod casts... and slowly, I am losing myself. Worse than before and don’t see any hope. Not even for myself to ever feel joy again. I feel so distant from everything. I trust nothing. He admitted again to cheating and still being addicted to pornography, and somehow I didn’t see it. I feel terrible about myself, and blame myself for even staying the first time. For a while, I felt hopeful, read as much as I could, but now..... I’m so hopeless, I cry when I read your articles and blog posts. We are broke, because I shut down so bad, I took a personal leave of absence from work. I’m drowning. We are drowning. I need your help so bad. I still daily read what I can, hoping something something with help me make sense of this hell i feel like I will he stuck in forever.

Earthquake!

I met my husband of 32 years while I was serving as a missionary in Haiti. The call of God on my life to serve Him in Haiti was clear and I trusted the Lord with my desire to one day be a wife and mother. Part of our ministry was to lead short term medical teams to remote communities. That is how I met my husband. He came on one of these teams. He had been happily married with 3 children. They were serving as missionaries in the Philippines where his wife was murdered. He returned to the states with his children and eventually came on a short term trip to Haiti at the invite of a friend (or leading of the Lord as I thought). We married less than a year after we met and have had 3 more children. We have had our struggles off and on throughout our marriage. We both brought our own baggage but I thought we had a strong foundation of faith and commitment. Almost 3 months ago my world fell apart. My husband confessed to a long term addiction to pornography and betrayal of our vows. We want to restore our marriage but find it difficult to navigate our way through the pain and devastation. I was in Haiti when the massive earthquake struck in 2010. To this day, it is hard to express all I witnessed and felt and still there are triggers that take me right back to that event. This betrayal in my marriage is much like that. My "D" day was like the initial earthquake. A beautiful sunny day with laughter and excitement for what lay ahead and then in a moment everything had crumbled all around me. Like in the earthquake, initially there was chaos, screaming, trying to flee to find safety, intense fear. Once the ground stops shaking and you find some semblance of stability you begin the process of helping the wounded, caring for one another, searching for safety. But each time there is an aftershock, which comes without warning, you are instantly carried back to the initial earthquake with all the fear and uncertainty and have to start the process all over again. That is where I am. Some days I feel I make progress and other days I just want to run for cover. I desperately need hope and long to know someone is fighting for me. I have been reading books, speaking to our pastor, speaking with a counselor and pretty much anything else I can do to find help and hope. I am praying for direction and asking the Lord to open the right doors. I believe His promise to heal the brokenhearted (Psalm 147). Thank you to all you do to help restore the broken. Your videos, articles, and Bootcamp have been a lifeline.

Just trying to find myself and hope for the future again

Curt my husband and I were best friends since 7th grade. He was always my protector and even having hugs from him at that early of an age I felt safe and home. We lost touch and in 2013 started reconnecting and married soon there after. I am lost since I found out. It feels like someone has dug out a hole inside me and it can’t be filled up ever again. We are trying to work through it but I am stuck in the pain of what I have lost and I can not communicate it effectively enough for him to understand or I emotionally flood when I try. I know I will never be the same as I was and I know we will never be the same but I need help. My therapist tries to help me but I don’t think she has much information on how to help the betrayed spouse. I am literally torn in two and completely empty still. I am trying so hard to find my happiness but I can’t. Please help me.

Putting hope back into where there is very little

Reposting because I don’t think my first post was sent the right way 😳
I want to take the Harboring Hope class so that I may heal. My husband and I were best friends all throughout junior high and high school. Even then when he would hug me I felt safe and home and during that time in my life that feeling meant everything to me as I was going through a very rough time. We lost touch and reconnected in 2013 after my mother passed away in 2012. I’ve always liked to think my mother had a small hand in that. We married soon after that..afterall he was my best friend and now so much more I was over the moon and so grateful for him and my marriage. I was home again and safe and sound. In 2016 he had an affair and at the same time of this affair my father was dying of cancer. I know I pulled away during this time as I was taking care of my father. For the next 3 years I knew something was not right. I found a very xx rated video he had made while out on the road (he was a long haul trucker). I was crushed and confronted him and was lied to and for the next year he became very hateful towards me. I felt like he hated to come home to me. December 2018 right before Christmas I found a number on our call records that had multiple texts back and forth as well as pictures I couldn’t see the texts but looked up the number and realized this was a woman’s number. That night was not pretty he continued to deny and I left for a very long drive that night. April 14 2019 I remember that day it is forever burned into my soul. I texted the woman and she finally told me the truth I ended up finding out the truth from him over the phone. “I screwed around on you”. That day was the beginning of a nightmare I cannot wake up from it haunts me even when I sleep. It was multiple times when I needed him most and he continued to text her when I was begging just to have my husband back and not this hateful person I didn’t recognize. He did not use protection so I also had the added embarrassment of going to my doctor and explaining the reasons I needed to be tested for STDs. I am an empty shell of who I was. I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore and like myself. I hurt constantly. I feel violated that something I held so sacred was given away without my permission and I was tossed aside. The safety I had felt in his arms for so many years through all the horrible times in
my life is now gone. It’s no longer home anymore. I want to heal. I love my husband and he has told me he loves me and we are trying to work through this as we both want this marriage but it’s a constant battle with the emotional flooding and the constant triggers and unwanted thoughts. I want myself back. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and not hate what is staring back at me. I want to smile and laugh again. I want hope.

We are stuck

We are going in 4 years past the first d day. We are doing work from free resources but do not have the funds for counselor or courses. I am still having intrusive thoughts almost 24 7. Please please I need help. My husband is a sex addict and is trying to get help but everything costs so much money. Thank God for a positive approach from affair recovery. It's very difficult to find anyone that doesn't say..just leave. Been together 22 yrs. And want there to be many more. Just want to be happy and safe. Thank you Kelly

I need help.

Changing direction and staying consists is hard. I must learn to stay close to God and discipline myself to be strong and courageous when I sense my disconnection from my spouse. I struggle everyday with my weaknesses and feel like I'm hurting my spouse more than healing him. I don't understand how it is possible to build up my character and expose my true self and repair my relationip at the same time. My hope is to show myself I can change and control my mind and that I can stay connected as I learn a new way of living and loving my spouse. I know it will be challenging and I may not always see things clearly but I can always acknowledge God and ask Him for direction if I will myself to do so.

I learned of my husband's

I learned of my husband's multiple affairs and pornography use throughout our 17 year marriage, almost exactly one year ago. We have been through a lot before this as well, including deployments, multiple moves, being married young, the births of 6 children in 10 years and the death of one. I am desperately trying to heal. I would love the chance to win.

Feeling stuck

My husband is a recovering sex addict and is doing well. He is doing all recommended steps and treatment to heal his addiction and our relationship. I am also involved with groups and therapy but I feel stuck in pain and anger. I don't feel love for or from him even though I know we love each other. The thought of connecting with him on an emotional level is terrifying. Would harboring hope help me

We really need the support of

We really need the support of Harboring Hope and keep praying we'll be chosen. Thank you

Hoping for recovery

I would love to take part in your Harboring Hope program! I am less than 3 months out from discovering my husband's nearly 6 month affair with one of his coworkers. Some days I feel like we are working through it, and other days I feel like packing up and leaving. Your videos and articles have been giving me much needed guidance during what is the worst thing I have gone through in my life.

It's been 7 years since my

It's been 7 years since my husband confessed his multiple affairs, at which time we were married 36 years. We are still together. We have done marriage counseling the first 5 years. We learned alot, but still have an emotional disconnection. It definitely has been swept under the rug by both of us. He gets what he has done to me and our marriage, but is a man that cannot handle coming out of his comfort zone. I cannot say that I am near being healed. Most days I am still in painful disbelief that this has happened to me. I can feel the hurt in my heart. This has "Rocked me to my Soul". I want to heal my soul, but I'm still so 'confused'. And I absolutely self sabotage, which is my biggest issue. I so desperately want to be connected to women that have gone through this...to help me move forward and find Hope for my future.

Drawing

My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We were married in 1982. Weeks after being married began a long journey of infidelity on his part. We started a family early so I devoted myself to my family, home, and God. I always suspected he might be addicted to sex. But who thinks that in the 80’s right, pre- internet era?
Short version is that I always warned him that one day he was gonna fool around and fall in love with one of these women. He would say oh no not me. I will always love only you.
I went out of town to take care of my mama for a month. At the the end of the month, he ran into. A childhood friend of his. Apparrthey had instant chemistry and slept together within a few hours of reuniting.
I didn’t find out until a month later on my birthday. I found texts between them where he professed his love for her until his dying day. I was so broken hearted. After screaming, throwing snot and tears, he assures me , as well as she does, it was only an emotional affair. Well, that broke m6 heart that h3vtold someone else ILY.
But things just didn’t add up...I kept pursuing with questions. Even questioning her. I soon figured out they were still in contact
Meanwhile I googled emotional affairs and found AR. We did the boot amp. Watched videos. At least I did. He always had a reason not to watch them.
After finding evidence of a burner phone, he realized the jig was up. He told me i5 was physical and he still cared about her.
Now four months later, we did the boot camp. We watch your videos twice a week together and discuss them together. He has finally has admitted to
having a sexy addiction that he is powerless to.
I believe going thru Harboring Hope will truly help us. 38 yrs is such a great amount of time invested. I love my husband. I love my family. But honesty I just don’t know if I can take this another time. I don’t have 38 yrs to reinvest in another man. Please helpL

Drawing for Harboring Hope July!

Six months out from DDay, I am an alumnus of EMS Online, my husband is currently enrolled and Hope for Healing and we are both taking advantage of Married for Life. We are working very hard at recovery and so far (with Affair Recoveries Help) I feel we are gaining ground. But it is a battle and I will take all the help I can get! Married for 38 years, I never knew my husband had begun cheating on me before we even married. A lifetime of infidelity....... overwhelming at times. Pam2020

Why I joined Harboring Hope

My husband had an emotional affair with his administrative assistant at work. It was all very "Mad Men." She is 18 years younger than him and married with 2 young children. We've been married almost 31 years and our children are in their late 20s. It all happened so fast. He hired her less than a year ago.

When I confronted my husband, he immediately confessed and was emphatic that he wanted me and our marriage and he was being foolish with this other relationship. I believed him and he has done mostly everything right since then to help me trust him again. But . . . he still works with her. She is still his admin assistant. She offered to leave and find another job and he talked her out of it, twice. Because apparently no other admin assistant would be as good at the job as her. Really?!

She is now upset because he isn't giving her the attention he was before. She keeps reaching out to him. Luckily he is understanding her ways and realizing they really didn't have anything in common. He now wishes she would go find another job. I don't think she ever intended to.

Their daily contact at work is really slowing down my recovery. It's pretty horrible for me. I am drinking too much wine and then I get really mad and say horrible things to my husband. I need to shut that down. I need to find a way forward that is healthy for me. It's been almost 4 months since discovery and I'm finally sleeping well again. I'm no longer obsessing about her, them, when they hugged (apparently there were long hugs where they just held each other), and I can now eat food without having major digestive issues. I lost 25 lbs, which I needed to, but I am resentful that my husband seems so darn happy I lost the weight. Like that was the problem. And just recently, I'm noticing my hair is shedding way more than usual. Like I'm losing my hair. I thought I was doing much better lately, but this new symptom tells me I'm not and I need help that focuses just on me.

I have been sent into orbit please help

Hi , I just started emso and week 2 has been beyond devastating. Sent into orbit Is how I feel. Basically an old wound that has reopened and is bleeding out. I may need some serious recovery and am willing to do the work to heal.
My story is I have been married for 33 years. We have 4 children with our eldest being disabled. They are now all grown. Twenty years ago my husband detached from me and the children. I knew something was a miss and desperately was reaching out and either being ignored , or gaslighted . Gaslighting is a new word to me as for years I didn’t realise it was being done to me by my husband. He is quite good at it. Either way soon after he was arrested for possession of crack cocaine. I found out later that my younger sister was a big part of that party. He went to recovery , for clean but it wasn’t king before he lost his job. Due to drinking on the job. I still stood by his side and continued to work my fulltime job and do the mom thing. I was extremely busy but always here for my entire family. Husband withdrew again and I tried and tried to talk to him , suggest counseling for depression. He began not coming home till the early am and quite intoxicated . I still continued to reach out. He isolated me and the children to spend his days and nights at the bar. Ignoring me and the children. It was horrific for all. My children were on their way to college and high school. Very busy time for them. I did my best to include my husband and got ignored or even yelled at for being a nag. For a brief period of time in 2009 he decided he missed his family and came back into our lives. It was short lived. He is a musician and joined a band. Living the dream as a rockstar. He never included me. Still being isolated , the following year our son graduated college and was on his way in his new career and had one in college and the youngest on her way to college. I now was totally alone. See mom and the kids stuck together like glue. They were my buddies. Now my buddies were gone. All I had was my job. A few friends at best. In 2011 on my birthday my husband wanted to take me out to dinner. I was elated and thought maybe a glimpse of hope. The very next am I retrieved a text message from a female asking what they were doing today. No doubt my suspicions that other things were going on were confirmed. As you can imagine I became a crazed lunatic. Very angry. Somehow my husband reassured me she was just a friend , a groupie who was a bit unstable who came to all the shows. I still was no , maybe? He was so good at gaslighting I thought well he’s right I am paranoid. It’s his drinking that is the problem. I will say that day he must of snapped maybe a bit? He included me and We became us again. In 2016 he was diagnosed with very aggressive prostate cancer. So naturally I dove in took the lead in knowledge and appt and what can be done to save his life. They only gave him 18m at best with no treatment at all. He went through hormone deprivation therapy , surgery, chemo and radiation. And he survived. Miracle man his docs call him. All has been calm and right in our world. UNTIL he insisted I be a good girl and have my cancer screenings. I did and in oct of 2019 I was diagnosed with high risk hpv. I knew at that point that texting girl was more than a friend. I had to calm and it took me 2 weeks to address this with him. When I did he was defensive and accused me of stepping out. I have been nothing but faithful and I was in disbelief that even after being caught he would deny. He couldn’t anymore and after a letter asking him to move out if he couldn’t be a man and tell the truth he disclosed 5 affairs since 2010. Months of horror which landed us at marriage counselor. I retained a personal counselor that specializes in trauma. Marriage counselor as well but being so naive I didn’t know that not all marriage counselors are trained in infedelity . I actually encircled more trauma from this. While searching for help and answers for me I came across AR. A bit reluctant my husband was as we had counseling. He I am sure became annoyed with my emotional flooding. So he agreed to do the emso. Week 2 he disclosed 3 more affairs to the already 5 While reading me his story. He actually posted to our group wall how proud he was of how well I responded. Well that was a lie. Not sure he would realise I would see this. Through week 2 videos and knowledge of polygraph . A day later after much trauma and flooding and just being distraught that he even lied through our marriage counseling . Oh but wait . I repeated asked the following evening if he could pass a polygraph . He insisted yes I was at ground zero. I asked again and one lore time and the last time asked he replied with no. This is when he disclosed the 20 year on and off again emotional and physical affair with my drug addict sister. In my house , at her house . The rocket ship of emotions has sent me into orbit. In addition to my diagnosis in oct last year in Jan of this year we have been told my husband cancer is back , I do not know where my story is heading , all I know is I need to land on earth.

What To Do When My HEART Tells me One Thing and My Head Another

Tomorrow July 31,2020 marks 1 yr since D day. My husband and I have been married almost 4 years. Though we have no biological children together we do have 4 children from previous marriages. Three are mine (22,20,12) from my ex husband and him a 9 yr old daughter. Dragging your children through a divorce once is hard enough but to have to consider a second is the worst. I found out that my husband had been what I consider emotional affairs online but he called it a game "catch and release". When I first discovered I left not knowing what just happened. I had just heard a few conversations on my husbands phone after having a gut feeling that something was not right and knowing he recorded all conversations on his phone at the time for legal purposes I decided to restore his recycle bin on phone and go to calls that exceeded 30 min since he's not a talker. Little did I know that the man who held me above all and from outside looking in you'd think I had it all (I thought I had it all). After taking it all in I did contact 5 numbers and all females said they blocked him within 2 days at most due to inappropriate conversations except one female who did have sexual phone talk with my husband that I had to choose to pick at random and hear for about 30 sec before turning off that had been happening for a week but not actual meet ups with any that I know of. (worst thing I could have ever done). I decided that I needed to talk to my husband because felt he had an addiction and maybe we could get through this together. Here's the kicker. We were seeing a fertility specialist and about to go through the process of having a surrogate carry our child since I was high risk and unable to. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, and therapist after 7 months of trying on my own til one morning I hit rock bottom with the thought of a child being taking from me without even being asked how I felt about it. Call it it a mothers intuition, I don't know still trying to figure out why I can't get past that part or will be able to ever. My husband has yet to see anyone and says due to his Cervical Radiculopathy (nerve damage) that runs through his whole body when anxious in any way. I don't understand that and feel it's an excuse. Please help? I'm ready to throw in the towel but I don't want to make a decision based on my thoughts coming from my head if in fact this is true and I should go about this another way with him. I do see change in him and have all access to phone and accounts any time I want but this is a horrible way to live for anyone.

No way out

Hi, my name is Conny,my husband and I been together 29 years - 24 married. He was and is my best friend, the person I can be ME.Our live was awesome and we had a great marriage in all ways ( so I thought ).
I knew and felt from beginning on that our marriage is in jeopardy and I tried to talk to him about it for month - long sad story, as they all in there own way. I found out all of it and I mean all on my own last October and it’s been a roller coaster ever since. My husband has not disclosed any - all I know I found out and the worst is that even after he could not stop contacting her - he even tried to change her name in his contacts. She keeps on sending him photos and he even bought her jewelry for her birthday in April. I been working so hard with therapy and all of you guys to not loose myself. He wants to stay married and he loves me wants to spend the rest of his life with me - I hear this like a tape but he doesn’t do what he needs to do for me. He is going to counseling and here and there says he wants to go together but makes no attempt to start. I know I need to move on and he ignores anything I say - just says “we can do it”. I actually do really good with the affair just not with what has happened after.
I need help to find myself without him because he is not ready to do what needs to be done, and it’s hard because I have to let go of everything that has meaning in my life.
I also want to thank you all for the support and videos - wish you guys could address how important it is for the unfaithful to disclose. My husband is watching your videos but somehow this specific he lets out.
Thank you again

Help

I would love to participate in Harboring Hope because I need hope. It’s been almost 2 years since the official DDay. Unofficially already 2 years. I cannot let go of the past. It haunts me each and every day, some days a lot, some a little. We’ve been in marriage counseling, been in individual counseling. He’s a recovering alcoholic so we’re both in 12-Step programs. I know this is my own insanity, hanging on to the past but I can’t shake it. After our initial DDay (where he tried to tell me it was just a friend from AA), I couldn’t get enough of him, I wanted sex all day everyday. I just had so much desire, don’t ask me why. After the official DDay in October of 2018, our sex life started to decrease, not because of me, I still wanted to have sex all the time. It was for me, the best sex of our marriage, and I wasn’t complaining before. The decrease continued, and, since January of 2019 it has been a big issue. He has pulled away from me. During counseling they suggested it could be medical (his age), I said no way, he was 54 when he was bedding a 23 year old, he’s still 54, I don’t buy it. Then they said it was his shame, I said ok, what can he do about that, it was me, of course, I was triggering his shame. I said well maybe I wouldn’t be bringing it up if our marriage was even remotely like it was before. Sex was never an issue. He wanted it all the time. I gave it to him regularly. Anyway, now, 2 years later, we are still dealing with the same issue. I am not happy. I’m not interested in this relationship he calls a marriage. We are getting along (mostly), we spend time together and we enjoy each other’s company. There’s no kissing, no hand holding, no intimacy. When I bring it up, we fight, then he has sex with me and thinks that’s all that I want. I’ve tried to explain that yes, I want sex but sex is not intimacy if it’s just sex. A marriage void of intimacy is a friendship. That’s where I feel we are, good friends. I don’t even enjoy sex with him anymore, it feels empty. I’m so stuck...please help!

Harboring hope

One year past D Day or our Antiversary as I call it. I still feel pain and betrayal. I get confused because my husband and I still love each other and I have difficulty moving forward with recovery. Since I discovered his affair I’ve had mental breakdown, major depression, previous suicidal thoughts, PTSD and work with a therapist. I want my husband, I want my family, I want the old me, I want my marriage and more than anything I want happiness again.

Harboring Hope

My husband betrayed me by having a 7-month affair with a co-worker that I had considered a friend. It has been several months since he entirely cut off communication with the woman, and we are working on rebuilding trust. He's my best friend, and I am his. We love each other deeply, but I could use some support through this. It comforts me knowing others have gone through similar experiences and come out stronger.

Stuck

I am need of help with my stuck situation. My wife is a sex addict cheating multiple times, and I am completely stuck. I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with other men to help me process and move on to healing. I also want to experience feeling hope and realize now I can’t do this alone. Thank you.

Hope

If it is god's will, we will be selected.

We dearly need help and

We dearly need help and harboring hope would be the blessing we need to be free of our roadblocks over 2 years into recovery

Can’t do better

I can’t help but feel that if I stay and forgive I am admitting I can’t do better. Can’t “catch” a man who would love me enough not to cheat.

Lost in space

You I just turned 50 a huge milestone. I have been married for 25 years yes to the same woman. I have been a police officer for 29 years. In 1999 months after our second daughter was born, my wife hatched a plan of fostering and affair with a neighbors friend. Feeling deprived of attention/ affection she sought it and got it from him. All the secrets kept from me of her endeavors prior to and that that let up to the one night, the lies of that night, and after,still deeply bother me. She gave false information as to her intentions of what she was up to when she asked if I cared if she went bowling with her friends. I was lied to that night that nothing happened and I stupidly believed her. The next weekend more lies and I caught her at his house with her friend. Bit stupid me still believed her. The lies continued for 6 months though our anniversary and Christmas. Some guilt got to her and some information was trickle fed to me. My world came apart and has never been the same since that discovery. Though counseling yep she was lying and hiding more information. It then became impossible to believe anything she said. 20 years later I had the biggest breakdown ever. This year it all started with her triggering me with another man about him hitting on her. Felt like I was back a D Day, because of her being dissatisfied with me as usual. I have lost 25 lbs, fell into a deep dark depression. She has now given me more information things that happened back then that I suspected little things to her but huge to me. I’ve lost all interests in everything my kids family friends. I can’t go anywhere with her because it’s dangerous. She gets jealous over me just talking to another female she feels threatened by. Feels like I’m being set up for her next outburst. I lost who I once was. I don’t enjoy much of anything except going to work where I can freely talk with people. It’s got so bad I feel guilty and ashamed at just talking or looking at an attractive woman. Pretty messed up. You’d think I was the one that cheated.
We’ve been back in counseling. Every part of me is exhausted mentally emotionally and physically. Flooding and triggers still run much of my life. Just seeing a guy throwing a girl on a bed on a sitcom and making out a sitcom commercial and of two people making out in the same positions that she was in had me I a break down. Feel one such a fool. I cannot say how much I have learned from Affair Recovery. I appreciate your organization so much. Tired of doing all the work. I feel guilty and persecuted punished for a crime I didn’t commit. It’s such an unfair position I was put in. Still wondering what else there is that she hid from me. I live with the constant punishment. Funny she still feels she’s being punished. She still blames me sometimes for the past downplays and is dismissive with er comments, quite frustrating. There never been an actual apology most of the time it’s been deafening silence and no remorse. Shared your Apology Letter. Was so right on with how I feel. No response no reaction from her. Feel like I’m lost in space. Need some grounding. I think Harboring Hope would help immensely. So unfair that the majority of the work is my part and I didn’t do anything wrong. Wanting peace and healing. Nothing gets through to her from my perspective. I’m looking for anything to put my mind at ease and put my life back together some way some how. Thanks for all you do.

Hope

Hope? It’s hard to hold on to!

I Need to Stop the Hemorrhaging...with or without him

We are 3.75 years past D-day and have received counseling from your typical marital counselor that focused on communication, respect, identifying feelings and how to express them. Not one counselor grasped my need for complete transparency, total honesty, or full disclosure. Nor did we delve into the whys about my SA husband cheating. I have learned more on affairrecovery.com than from the hundreds of hours spent in a marriage counselor's office. I feel the marriage counselors we saw have done us more harm than good. We are on the brink of divorce. With or without my husband's support, I am desperately trying to save our marriage and stop my hemorrhaging.

Strength & Hope

I am a survivor of infidelity. I continue to search for literature & spiritual guidance in regards to my forgiveness journey. Never ever thinking our marriage of 23+ yrs would be faced with such challenges here my husband and I stand strong. We are committed and have found new strengths in this together although the pain many days is heart wrenching. I thank God everyday for finding your resources, they have truly helped me. I continue to see the light thru all the darkness and know our love will survive this stormy season. I hope to continue to find clarity and peace thru your Hope Restored Program 💕

Collateral Damage

I am 55 years old and my unfaithful husband just turned 40. We've always had challenges in our marriage based on the age difference; he doesn't have biological children and I do (however he did adopt my youngest child). I've always feared that at some point the age difference would be a problem for him.
In December of 2019, he was up for a big promotion at work, and everyone felt confident that he would get the job. He did not, the good old boy buddy system got in the way and he was passed over. He was absolutely devastated. He is a man who always gets what he wants, he's very charismatic, lucky, and a natural leader.
While he was still reeling from that, he decided that he didn't want to be in that situation ever again and he wanted to be his own boss. He had run businesses before and decided to strike out on his own in a new field. I supported this and the drain it would make on our finances. I also work and earn good money as an Accountant. Our daughter is in college and we are paying for that as she goes, no financial aid, etc.
Two weeks after starting the new business, enter COVID-19. He was forced to try to get the business off the ground remotely, meeting in coffee shops, parks, etc. while forming his sales team. He eventually found a place to least where he could control the COVID restrictions and signed a one-year lease. He soon was able to attract an experienced sales woman from a rival business, and she brought a lot of business with her. You guessed it, she's the AP.
Each week he has Guy Night, where he and his four friends have dinner and play board games. I've always encouraged it and never given him issues over spending this time with the guys. One week I texted him because I saw a TV show announcement that he would be interested in. He didn't answer. I waited and texted again 20 minutes later, no response. I finally called because I was getting concerned. No answer. He called back and I could tell by the background noise he was in a bar, and that's something this guy group just doesn't do. He said they wanted a change. It turns out he was with her, alone, at a pool hall/bar. I believe this was the night they "connected". I found that he was on the phone with her for an hour on the way home at 10:30pm and asked him about it. He said, "I can tell you, but you're not gonna like it." And that was the beginning. He blew up at me in anger, told me I had never been enough for him and that he had always had little women on the side for texting and lunch/dinner. I'm overweight and older and I don't interest him anymore, I'm boring, etc. My world was blown apart. Everyone, myself included, was in shock because we all thought we had the perfect relationship. I asked him to leave, he moved out. I filed for divorce and we're in the process now. He moved back in a month ago to save money and I asked for one last chance to work on the marriage. He agreed. Here we are.

Please help my heart heal

Please help my heart heal

To inspire him to try to heal

My husband wants to heal on his own and with no outside help. He’s chosen to not share his troubles with any friends, and he obviously can’t share as much with me as my actions have shattered his trust. If we win this for free, it may be easier to convince him to try this. I hope “us” can be healed too, but I hope mostly for his healing, and for mine.

My heart won't let him go...

We are 28 months past d-day. Multiple relapses, adult children won't talk to me and I am still sitting right where I was 28 months ago. We've spent all of our money on therapist and several groups each. I know better. I just don't do better. 😪

Please Help

I found out a little over a week ago that my mate has been having an affair for the past 6 weeks. He was forced to tell me because the woman is now pregnant. We have been together for 5 years. He was the keeper of my heart. I never dreamed he would do this. I am overwhelmed, hurt, feel as though there is chaos all around. He says he wants us to work through this but I have not seen any effort. I am so lost. Has anyone else been in this type of situation? completely heartbroken!

Shari

I want to take Harboring Hope

I want to take Harboring Hope to experience what the course was designed for: to know I am not alone, not crazy, and not destined to grieve forever. Right now, four months post-D-day, I feel all of those things.

Help

Need guidance for what has changed everything.

The next step

We are ready to heal, ready to be out of pain, ready to reconcile. We don’t know how but we are trying day by day. It hurts but we are in this to stay together and determined to be happy.

Struggling

i have been married 31yrs. I was unfaithful about 4yrs in. Unbeknownst to me, my spouse has never recovered and only stayed for our son. The new D-day was July. My spouse is now unfaithful and dating an a.p. 1/2 our age. I believe it's a mid life crisis.
Doesn't change that my spouse is sure the a.p. Is the one. Right now I'm feeling pretty lonely and pathetic.

I would love to take

I would love to take Harboring Hope as I travel this journey of learning more about myself, my marriage, my husband, and the path that led us to this time of disaster in our marriage. I am a teacher by profession, and a learner at heart. I want to grow from this experience, I don’t want this lesson that God allowed into my life to be wasted, but to be used to glorify him. D-day on January 18, 2020 was God’s gift to our marriage, the day He let His truth shine free and brought my husband from out of the shadows. He spent the last four years of our 26 year marriage in a few online affairs and then one physical affair last year. He always wanted our marriage, but we lost each other along the way and were stumbling alone. But not now, we found each other and are holding hands, gaining more clarity with each step along the rocky way.
I want to spend the remainder of my days loving and helping others to heal, but first I must be healed myself.

Still feel lost and have so much resentment

Hello D-day for me was October 22 2019 and 3 days from now will be a year anniversary and April of 19 was the second D day and 7 day boot camp and 13 weeks of esmo and into the 4th week of MFL I feel like we are no closer to him knowing why for him or for me so I can feel like maybe I can understand or what made him be that kind of human being that I know loved me incredibly but cheated on me off and on for 16 years and with my so called best friend and other friends and then he did this in his previous marriage but he told me he saw the pain in her eyes and knew he had been the cause of that pain and he could never do that to someone again and I believed him.. then he did that to me .Im so damaged from this betrayal I dont know how Im gonna recover and I havent been able to function right for a year and I feel so guilty for my 2 children at home to see their mom hurting or just not being as reliable and Im trying ..Im really trying I want to understand I want to heal I want to be strong enough to be able to move forward if he doesnt do what he needs to do to heal as well and to show me I can feel safe with him . So far I he does what he has too but no extra he said if I helped him sign up for help for healing hed do it but not right now cuz its too much for him . But he finds time to watch hours of tv and hours of craigs list or instagram..please help me and thank you for all I have learned and the help I have gotten from AR

Harboring Hope Class

D-Day has not ended in my mind . It always seems like yesterday...My knight in shining armor broke my heart and soul . We have been married 29 years , yesterday . D-Day came July, 2018...he had been “ visiting” his ex-wife for 7+ years while visiting his family in DC... I thought that he was just going through issues from work because he was acting “different” ... then one day I looked at his computer and then his wallet and phone ... he had every conceivable number and email with which to contact her ... then afterD-Day... masking numbers ... when confronted he said “ they were just visits with her and my in-laws ... they had been divorced for 20 years ... even after counseling, I am angry and do not believe him . He wants me to “trust “... trust what ? If you can lie and do this for 7 + years , why am I to believe ? I really feel like running away ...but at almost 70 yo... I feel stupid, foolish, and so sad ...I really am still lost .

Clinging to Hope

I was the betrayed.  My wife came clean after our 13 years of marriage that she had been struggling with this dual life, and the hidden life was a history of 4 affairs (2 while we were engaged and 2 while we were married).  They all seem to have unique dynamics to them, not one the same as the other except for someone offering her emotional connection, and they all seem so different from anything I or anyone else knew she was capable of.  She is a Christian, always strong in her beliefs, but suffered some heavy mental trauma before we met and it clearly was doing unbelievable damage to her internally.

I wasnt the best husband, I had taken on the banner of my father's and my father father's curse of emotional detachment.  While I didn't cheat, physically abuse, or treat her terribly, the fact that I was emotionally detached (and depressed) and engulfed with my career exacerbated her trauma (and mine for that matter, sabatoging my own desires of loyal companionship and love).  I left her emotionally thirsty and her greatness weakness was men who had water. She blamed me throughout our marriage, and births of our 2 incredible children, for being a poor husband, ruining our marriage and even said a few times that she wanted a divorce.  We continued our busy lives though and I shut down further, but little did I know she had cheated on me before the marriage started and after with a 1 year shallow affair with a coworker and another 3 year deep emotional/physical affaor (most recent) with an acquaintance (who was also married).   Disclosure was March 30th this year and random (she even noted how things were ok between her and AP). Even after disclosure, she blamed me for it, but broke the affair off because she didn't want to live like that any more. She also didn't want me, asking that we just go our seperate ways, but took 2 weeks via text/phone to let her AP down "easy".  All of this catapulted me out of my decade long depression and I fought back and fought for her, and after 2 months and a few MC sessions, we reconciled.  Because we didn't have the tools yet to sustain, it didn't last long. She was burying her guilt and trying to live in the moment with me (the changed version of me who had battled to reclaim my identity), and I was uncontrollably cycling in and out of sadness/bitterness/confusion of the what and how she had the affairs. It came to a head in late September, her still covertly blaming me for her actions, and she again shut me off after 5 months saying "this will never work".  We ramped back up the therapy and she is doing individual sessions now too, but she is very cold and distant and still seems to have little acknowledgment of how bad we botched the meaning of love and did subtle things to disregard the others feelings.  She moved to the guest room, engulfs herself in her job, works late to avoid coming home (which is a trigger bc that's how she disguised cheating before) and overall is venomous towards me, saying "you are too unstable with your feelings and be honest with yourself, you don't love me."  Our kids are incredible (6 and 10) and don't know anything yet, but are starting to sense our dysfunction and I obviously see the small seeds of dysfunction we passed along to them.  My wife, who is a caring mom, has now struggled to be the mom she should due to her long work hours and desire to stay away from home to avoid me and my "heaviness". Again, a covert attempt to blame me.  It seems that all hope is lost, and initially I blamed myself for not being able to manage my emotions when we were actually trying to work it out, but I know its more of her continued struggle to overcome the guilt and shame that is equally a roadblock. 

Due to my new found awareness of life,  pointless things that held my attention in the past (sports, TV, demanding career, news etc), mean very little or nothing at all to me anymore. I'm home significantly more and much more present for my kids and even her. I completely reorganized my priorities and am leaning more on God than I ever had before. He keeps sending me the message of "Be still and Know..."....so I patiently give her the space she wants and the time God needs to work a miracle.  I read, read, read more and do therapy/talk to my pastor and pray.  The loneliness, despair, question of "Is she worth it?" continue to plague me for hours a day, but I love her, even in her mess, and I know I shouldn't take her posturing and venom personally as she has to be in such disarray, having taken the biggest step to put it all out in the open after 14 years and lay it at the feet of God.  Ill continue to be optimistic due to her commitment to therapy and the fact that she is still under the same roof, but hope seems to be a difficult thing to hold onto for extended periods of time. 

The fruit is that God delivered her from a destructive path and delivered me from the empty life of depression I was living for so long.  But the work has just begun and now that I have such sensitivity to the emotions I buried for so long, the agony of experiencing it is physically and mentally exhausting. I will make it through this valley, and while it is no guarantee a restored marriage is on the other side, at least I Know a healthier version of me is most definitely there waiting. 

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