Today, I'd like to share an excerpt from our Harboring Hope course.
As you may or may not know, all of our authors, contributors, therapists, and vloggers have personally survived an infidelity crisis. When we say “we get it,” we really do. We understand your pain and frustration and desperate need for clarity and direction. We've felt your struggle personally and have lived to tell about it. We are here to help guide you through it.
This article is not just for the Betrayed individual. Reading...
This week's article explores the question: "After the affair came to light, what didn't you know that you needed to know?"
A hundred wayward spouses could tell you what they wish they'd known, and all of their responses would carry some merit. Today, however, I'd like to turn the lens on myself — an unfaithful spouse — to share six things I wish I'd known as well as what I've observed over my 30-plus years of marriage.
One of the most frustrating issues when recovering from betrayal trauma is the ongoing emotional flooding that comes from the loss, deception, reminders, and intrusive thoughts. Long after a couple commits to work on the marriage, a fire-breathing trauma-dragon will raise its head and scorch the little progress they make. I call it a dragon because this type of trauma appears as if from nowhere for a ruthless surprise attack. This dragon of trauma is difficult to describe, so...
"Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate.
I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple that, after infidelity, had been working for five months to understand the "why" of the affair.
While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the affair partner, the betrayed spouse concluded, "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you."
The wayward spouses rebutted, "Are you serious? You were so controlling. I had no voice in our...
After almost seventeen years of helping couples and individuals professionally, I have discovered that crises affect us far more than we are aware. The impact of a crisis, whatever it may be, must be dealt with if we ever want to find healing and hope for a better future.
The trauma experienced by a couple upon the revelation of a betrayal is no small matter, and it creates a raw, emotional upheaval that must be...
Recovering from an affair isn't just a matter of how badly someone wants to heal, it's also a matter of time and dedicated, intentional work. I can't tell you how many times I get asked, "How long is this going to take?" My answer is always, "It depends." One thing is for sure: Recovering from an affair will take longer than both of you expected, and it's not necessarily based on how much you want to recover.
It has been my experience that it takes most...
Whenever I write or speak about forgiveness, I'm always amazed at the outpouring of heartfelt comments. I grieve over the pain expressed by those who've been injured, and I pray that their mates will come to understand and appreciate the price they've paid on their behalf.
After a betrayal, forgiveness is necessary for your own healing. It's not an easy process, though, and it comes with its own set of challenges. The key challenge when forgiving infidelity is the ongoing consequences of the betrayal.
This is not an easy journey and it will be imperfect and awkward but when the Affair Partner is pregnant as a result of infidelity, we have learned some critical lessons about how to navigate this situation with the best interest of the child at the center while still being able to heal and recover. In this blog I will discuss these lessons and what worked for us to help you.
About ten years ago, I had a client who seemed to be "the king of relapse." Week after week he'd faithfully come to his session, and week after week he'd tell me how he had screwed up. About eight weeks into the process, I finally asked, " Do you really believe it's important to avoid these behaviors?" "Absolutely," he replied. "Then I'm confused. I've always believed behaviors are a far better indicator of a person's belief system than words, and looking at your...
Woven into our basic makeup is the desire and need to “do life together”. By connecting with others - sharing openly, being honest, and not minimizing our struggles, we develop healthy stress coping...
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