How Can I Make It up to My Spouse That I Have Cheated?

Samuel answers a viewer's question about making it up to the betrayed spouse.

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how to "make it up to the family"

Samuel, can you include a vlog into your journey with Samantha's family and/or your's through this recovery phase? What things should be said that are helpful/hurtful for the families?

hi there. thanks for the suggestion...

thank you for the suggestion.  i'll see what I can do.


the ultimate silence

Love all your vlogs but more questions for your order to protect our 2 young adult children after a long term affair (13 years), we chose to keep the news to 2 family members and our therapist. Hard, well yes! But deep down we knew that there was no returning to anything normal if everyone knew our laundry. I know it wasn't your story but perhaps you can offer any help, such as, how the recovery process will look different. We can't be the only ones as we are a group of stone silent mind your own business type. I'm hoping you have spoken to other people like us and what you know works/helps.

There is no “make-up”

I sent this off to my husband, he is the unfaithful with porn and masturbation addiction.
It was disclosed to me January 3, 2019.
We have been doing our own recovery work but there is a long way to go for him as the visuals he has accumulated for 43 years present a great problem in our relationship.
He was sexually abused and presented porn when he was 12, by his father and uncle.

I listen to your podcasts and have gained much useful information.
It looks as though a separation is in the immediate future.

Thank you so much for your honesty and you commitment to helping others


Just SO right on

Thank you for this video. Every single sentence. I will watch several times, and I hope my unfaithful husband watches, too. We are struggling recently, but last week was decent.
I still have a hard time accepting we are in this situation at all. His affair was very cliche in nature, plus she manipulated her way into our friend circle and involved the children. The hurtful part is that he didn't stand up to her when she would insist on the family involvement. He would not deny her anything, while stripping me of everything. It is beyond gross & distasteful. So, no, he will never be able to make it up to me.

Thank you for this, Samuel. I

Thank you for this, Samuel. I am the UW in this scenario. (3 years, assorted days). My husband has been nothing short of fully supportive towards me and and our marriage. He wants only for us to heal and continue on. He shares almost nothing about the damage I’ve caused, or how he feels. This is typical of him, as he is very personal and compartmentalizing in anything which is difficult or negative. And so as “lucky” as I am to have his forgiveness, all I want is to make it up to him in similar ways you suggest here. But I don’t know when or how he’s hurt. I don’t know what would make him feel better. In many ways, I think this dynamic may be what led to the affair to begin with. He’s an amazing man, but I’ve never been able to get to what he needs, what his vulnerabilities are, how I can make him feel loved, how I can be needed by him. It’s a stoicism that acts as a wedge, and when I ask him, he can only say that he doesn’t need anything other than to trust me. I can do all I can to rebuild that, but how can I do things like you suggest without knowing what they are, or how he feels?

*assorted ddays

*assorted ddays

How to make up for cheating?

Thank you Samuel, this is much needed and much appreciated. Your words talked to my injured soul. If only my UH will view it and take it to heart. I need this so much in healing. All betrayed spouses need this, we yearn for this. Almost 4 years out and it would be such a gift to feel empathy, compassion and remorse from him. Nothing can make up for the infidelities, but witnessing these actions helps to see positive actions and aids in repairing the relationship.

No Hope For Us

I forgave him. I really thought we could survive this. But, that's when I was under the spell of believing he still loved me and didn't want to lose me. He doesn't care about my feelings other than to scoff at me for having them. He continues to see her and lies about it. We've been married 42 years. I thought we were "special". He doesn't love me but doesn't want a divorce because it is impractical. His words. I am afraid to step off the mountain of grief and freefall into another life. I want to be happy again. I want to know who I am again. This man I trusted for 42 years murdered my spirit.

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-D, Texas