Your Healing from Infidelity or Addiction Is Not Their Responsibility

Samuel has a heart to heart talk with those in crisis due to infidelity about their own healing and restoration.

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Therapy

What if the counselor in our second session asks me why I am so angry? And in my spouses individual therapy, with the same counselor about his addiction, tells him his addiction is like comparing alcoholics. One may only drink 2-3 drinks a day while the other will drink a whole bottle. So basically, he’s telling my spouse his addiction isn’t that bad. And now my spouse likes to throw it in my face that he doesn’t have that big of a problem. Even though this has been going on off and on for 28 years. 🤷🏻‍♀️😡

This message

It's been two months since my husband's affair. He immediately got the How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair book, which has amazing points in it. But I think you're right that actual healing has to come from inside all of us, and that mot of that relies on our own individual work. I do need him to help me feel safe, but he can't give me what I need from myself. I can't give him what he's longing for within himself. We can truly love each other, though, instead of waiting for and hoping for it to happen without incredible work ahead. Thank you to everyone here, but mostly you and Rick for speaking the truth. I wish everyone hope and love who comes here. We can do this, and we are worth it. This isn't the last day I'm going to be filled with rage or despair, but it has gotten noticeably better by going to individual counseling, marriage counseling, reading everything I can about sexual addiction, looking into support groups for myself, and this incredible blog. Thank you, from the bottom of my healing heart.

My husband is so far gone

This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I was an unfaithful wife and I trickled truth for over two years. After reading Elizabeth's blog post on why my spouse won't believe me and seeing this video, it finally feels like a clear sign that I need to let my husband go of the pressure to believe me, forgive me love, me or even like me. We are both miserable but I am the one hanging on to my faith that God will restore us, but my husband has soooo much individual work to do. I get that me (finally) telling the whole truth and being transparent now is not enough; and I also get that this is not even about me anymore. My husband is choosing "safety" by not opening up to me and treating me coldly most days. I still find myself begging for forgiveness often and in a state of desperation from his neglect. I know I need to stop having any kind of expectation that he can love me, because, well he can't- or at least won't allow himself to. Over the years I've believed that me "getting better" (forgiving myself and moving on from my past mistakes) was selfish. And I had already been so selfish in my cheating/lying/withholding. He will still throw it in my face often, that "it must be nice" that I get to move on, or that my conscious is clean and he's left with all the triggers and the mess, so it makes it exceptioanlly hard to give myself grace and do healthy things for me that might still be triggers, literally, like working out or taking care of my appearance. By the way, for any betrayed spouse reading this, us unfaithful have triggers too, and if we have truly repented, we hate those intrusive thoughts and regretful memories we have to live with, especially knowing how much pain they have caused you, the faithful spouse. It's partially true though, he is left with this mess, this crime done to him that I cannot undo and ever repay in any way. I can only grow from it, but I know I still need so much more help. (I am a chronic co-dependent and have such a hard time of letting go, especially after my selfish immoral sin against my husband and God). But as Samuel says in this video, someone has to change the dance, and if I'm the only one in this marriage resolved to stick through this then I have to take on that responsibility because my husband remains in a state of ambivalence and fight/flight mentality. This journey is HARD and if you're reading this, please pray for my husband's healing and the renewal of a healthy marriage for us, because like most people in this situation, we know there were unresolved issues before any cheating occurred (not to excuse the choice to cheat, but rather just to acknowledge that each of us comes with some messiness to the table.) I often find myself exhausted and depressed when given the room to do so and I'm not "taking care" of his needs or trying to help his healing.