As Great as She Thought I Was

Rick’s newest article once again, kicked me right in the teeth. Let me quote from it briefly, and if you’d like to read the whole thing, you can go here to read it:


Nine Signs of an Emotional Affair

(To have an affair) “Deceive yourself into believing you’re as wonderful as your Emotional Affair Partner sees you to obtain maximum benefit from your new found relationship. Always believe the lie that they’re better than your mate and that you’d have been far better off if you’d married them. Marriage partners are the makeup mirrors of our lives. They highlight every flaw and blemish. Emotional Affair Partners are vanity mirrors. We look amazing in their eyes. Approval seeking requires we suspend reality and imagine ourselves as seen through our EAP’s eyes. Failing to deceive one’s self makes entitlement almost impossible.”

Though there are several key elements to his article, I’d like to highlight a pinnacle truth within many affairs. There’s no way around the fact that I allowed myself to be deceived into believing I was as wonderful as my affair partner saw me, made me feel and constantly told me. It was a fantasy; an escape from reality. Illicit sex, no bills to pay, constant romance, infatuation, little-to-no criticism or responsibilities to have to live up to from real life pressure…..not real life in the least bit.

I have an intense amount of grief for how I allowed my affair partner to fall in love with me and for how I had to end it basically overnight. Still 7 plus years later, I mourn for what I allowed to happen.

My wife Samantha time and time again has had to serve as a makeup mirror to help me become the man I so want to be, and quite frankly, need to be. My affair partner made me feel amazing due to the fallacy I believed I was. Her infatuation with me was just not real life. And I hate it. I wish I was the man she saw me to be, but that man isn’t real. Even now, what helps me stay clear of relapse is the fact that what I thought I was isn’t true and won’t ever be true. That’s what fantasies do: they lead you to believe there is this secret world out there that exists, when in reality it’s just not true.

Sure there are things Samantha had to work on, and even more that I had to work on.

The joy in my marriage, along with the friendship, romance and passion which has been resurrected and restored, is real joy, romance and passion. The kind that stands the test of time and real life obstacles. The kind that ‘decides’ to overcome life, faults, bills, changing seasons and mature responsibilities. The kind that is based upon maturity, integrity and a willingness to be molded and shaped in life, refusing to constantly need an escape from the pressures of life, kids, mortgages and 401K’s.

I hope you’ll come out of the clouds of self-deception today. I hope you’ll see that life is not about fantasy where we play God and see only the good and decide what happens and what doesn’t. If you’re reading this, I’m quite sure you’re old enough, and have seen enough in life to know what fantasy is. Perhaps you’re like me and learning to grow up more and more, though you are already a grown up. Don’t stop my friend.

7 plus years later, even with the bad, I’m in love with my wife and family and the lack of fantasy in my life right now. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s yours for the taking.

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Comments

Wholeheartedly agree

I so identified with this post. My AP pretty much worshipped the ground I walked on and I LOVED IT!! But it was fake and not real life because she wasn't the one who was going through life with me or raising my kids with me or seeing me on my worst days, just as a great sex partner. It crushed me to break her heart after I so foolishly let her fall in love with me. But the joy and peace I have now that I am back with my wife and children is beyond anything I could imagine. To think, I almost missed out on this. Geez

drs1123

If it was FAKE and not REAL then how did it break her heart? She worship the fake and not real YOU! She was FAKE and not REAL also! Really? It crushed you to break off your limerence relationship with her to reunite with the true direction God intended for your marriage? "Let her fall in Love with you" ....WOW. She no more loved you than the man on the moon when she signed up to hurt your wife , children and herself, she was just as dishonest as you were from the get go.

Poor little AP that was devastated and shocked when it ended. Please tell me your wife hasn't heard this ridiculous crap about your broken hearted AP. That AP could give less than a darn about you and yours and has moved on faster than you give yourself credit for. She knew exactly what was coming in the back of her mind reguardless of what lies you both said. Oh, she may have called or acted like she was hanging onto hope. That was because she was trying to convience herself she wasn't really that stupid,insecure or whatever her deal was and maybe she could get a one time shot to end it with you to prove her point. Come on.

Jana

Breaking your AP's heart

Thank you, Jana.  If my husband was concerned about the way he broke his AP's heart (and maybe he was, who knows?) that would be like a stab to the heart.  After all, she did know he was married and I was pregnant with child number six at the time, so that hardly makes her innocent.  She was living with a man, whom she married shortly thereafter, so she didn't even wait around to see if he had a change of heart.  On another note, a woman that I believe my husband had at least an emotional affair with earlier in our marriage went on to have an affair with another married man at their place of employment.

 Kind of proves the point, doesn't it?

 

joanna0827

Hello and thank you for responding. My post WAS NOT a "Hate the AP' rant. That is the easy way to keep from directing anger, hurt or murderous thought from my spouse. Reality is the AP needs Affair Recovery to have a course/class for them as well. It is just pitiful that an AP never gets help (usually) and the recovery rate for him/her is almost zero. I speak with alot of men and women betrayers and I always ask what happened to the AP, if they even know, 2-3 years after reconciliation or divorce from their spouse. The story is the same as you said. They do not get help and they move on to another dead end relationship, quickly.  If the AP was soooo in love and heartbroken then why did he/she hook-up with someone else almost overnight!  AP's have done it their entire lives and are looking to be saved by a person and lable themselves VICTIMS. So for me or my husband to say I did my AP wrong and I feel bad about it is just one more lie to add to the pile of lies that is the size of a Honda Accord! We wish them well and to be happy someday and that is it. They may have felt bad or whatever after it was over for 24 hrs or maybe even a week, who knows? They felt bad because no one was filling their void and that was it, it had nothing to do with me or my spouse. Instead of doing the very hard work of recovery they CHOOSE to stay in their own denial. That is just sad. AP's are not home wreckers or horrible people they are simply broken just like me. Desperate and CHOOSING to continue the same behaviors that end up a dead end. They need prayers regardless if they are arrogant or down right ugly to my face. The truth is ,that is just a cover for their own pain they have created by believing they are not loveable.

Jana

Happy for you but...

As the hurt spouse, how do you explain keeping this EA going to get ones ego stroked never to think about the 28 years of marriage? The lack of respect I felt that my spouse had for me, while continuing this behavior still devastates me. It has been a year and yes we've gone to therapy. I am doing all the research, setting up appointments, and communication. I truly feel he is just thankful that no one found out bc he says he was embarrassed that I saw it. BTW-how did yours end? Did you realize it yourself or did your spouse sense something wrong?

Samuel

You pinnacle explanation is disgusting and so very true. I lived it myself. I also ended it overnight and never looked back. I knew if I did I would become a pillar of salt without a doubt. Affairs of my kind end in a natural death due to the reality you just described. I took it as far as I could go and ended up with just me and ALL my crap!

There did come a time to grow-up and suit up. Sooooo glad God never gave up on me and gave me the work to do and I did it until my husband said to stop because I had done all I could do for him. Is that not what anyone would want their wayward spouse to do? All they can and more.

I could give less than a damn about my AP-he volunteered for the job and moved on to someone else 2 days later. AP's love the victim card as much as the betrayer, I don't owe him a moment of wasted thought. He certainly isn't in counseling for his crimes. Not hard to do when he was 'in the game' the whole time anyway. I don't hate him because I would have to have loved him in the first place. Fantasy at it's finest.

It's not perfect over here yet it is waaaay better than before, that's for dang sure!

WOW... JUST WOW

Your article is dead on truth and I appreciate the time you put into it.

You did say "I allowed my AP to fall in Love with Me" and another post stated the same comment along with "I broke her Heart".  Really now? Arrogant and Egotistical much?????

 The truth is The AP  did the same with you , she presented herself/himself as the fake good person they wanted to be see as. AP's volunteer for that job out of their own insecurities and filling that void with a man/woman they are in an affair with. So to say you allowed her to fall in love with you and broke her poor little heart is a bit unrealistic. Alot of lying goes on in an affair with our spouses and our AP's, the AP does the same. They are very good at pulling the victim card  and are presenting themselves as the answer to ALL our problems. She fell in love with her/his own narcissistic self. There was no LOVE in that equation. I don't really care what the scenario was, it is all the same. Two very broken people trying to get that HEART HOLE filled with a load of crap!

The only thing that should be 'mourned' about an AP is the fact that they(AP) are probably still chasing that next fix. AP's certainly are not in counseling for their crimes, now are they? AP's are as sick as I/WE were at the time if not sicker. I wouldn't give myself credit for breaking anyones heart except for the person I AM MARRIED TO!

AP have zero boundrys just like betrayers do and their own denial when they hook-up with a wayward spouse. They knew good and well what they were getting into no matter what lies we told them.

Sometimes your posts confuse me Samuel and if I am way off here call AR for my husbands phone number and please explain it better.

Jana

About to end this relationship with my AP. I am so blind..

I've read all your comments and I'm glad I did. My eyes have opened. Only difference is I'm yet to end the affair.

I have been such an idiot and heartless pig. My wife found out about the affair 6 months ago. I have constantly lied to her and cheated on her. I have believed that my AP really loves me and that I love her. Last night I told my wife I'm leaving her for my AP. But now, after reading the above, and after carrying this awful feeling in my stomach, I think its time for me to man up and become the husband that God intended me to be. I need to end this now.

I have two small boys too. And I don't want to lose them either. I love my wife and I love my family. I don't think its too late for me.

My AP although in the process of divorcing, was married also and has 3 small children. She pursued me, a married man. We used to be in the same employment and I remember how she wittingly made suggestions and flirted with me. It took me a year to give in. And now that I have given in, everything has changed. I have changed. I'm not the man I used to be. And I hate my new self.

I need to be brave and do this now. Wish me luck.

johannes

thank you for your comment. however, you'll need help to do this my friend. it cannot be done on your own, or by white knuckling it. you'll need a support system and a pathway to do it through. emotions come and go but you'll need a plan. reach out to tony at 512-879-6326 in the AR office, or at tony@hope-now.com to get help on how to walk it out. i pray you'll get help to do it and use what help there is to stay the course it sounds like you are wanting to take.

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