Can Your Sex Life Ever Be Redeemed If I had to pinpoint one issue of our recovery that was the most difficult to overcome, it would have to have been our sex life. My affair was highly emotional and highly sexual from the start and sharing the details with Samantha was gut wrenching for her. She was the type of spouse that didn't want to know all the intricate details of it all, but wanted to know the general truths about what went on, what we did, what we didn't do, and for how long. My situation was extremely unique as I had to give up specifics to the situation with absolute clarity as there were some individuals coming to corroborate my story the next day. My affair had been very public, with an unfortunately large audience, and it only added to the shame and embarrassment for both Samantha and myself. If I'm being honest, I would tell you that in many ways my biggest unmet need (which helped to allow the affair) was in fact a lack of affection and attention to my needs and desires as a man and husband. That in no way justifies my affair, but I say that to paint a picture of what a hot button of chaos, anger and resentment sex had become to us during the affair and after. Time after time, during foreplay or during the initial stages of sexual interaction, Samantha would have a terrible reminder. A reminder to the point of having to get up, go to another room and cry. Initially she didn't want to be held. She didn't want to talk about it and early on, couldn't. All she could do was cry, and we would hold off on sex till another night later in the week. Or, alternatively, she would have the same overwhelming emotional triggers, and then want to have sex just to fight back and attempt to regain our intimacy. A more challenging task in recovery with your spouse, I'm unaware of. Samantha's journey was even more difficult due to the fact that my affair partner was very voluptuous and the (what I call) 'comparison factor' was immense. She was constantly comparing herself and her body to the affair partner and we had what seemed like hours of conversation about how she didn't need to compare herself to her and that I wanted what I had, not what I didn't have right now in my life. It was difficult for her to understand that my affair was not about her. It was a monumental task of affirmation and support that was vital to the health of our recovery. I have no problem sharing with you that it was no easy journey through the darkness of the reminders and triggers. But, there was a process and the power many times IS in fact IN the process. We hate that and we don't like it, but there is great truth that what needs to be brought up, is going to be brought up and dealt with: if it fact, you want to heal as a couple and save your sex life. It is more than merely possible to regain your sex life. Later this week I'll share the tools we used to get through it and get to 'the other side' if you will. For now, I'm honored and humbled to share with you our sex life is in fact, several years later, better than it was BEFORE the affair, and has been for at the very least, four years. Samantha would echo my thoughts and let you know we are more than merely fulfilled, and that our intimacy factor is off the chart both in and out of the bedroom. Our sex life has been transformed by the process we used from Rick, and several other sources, and one of the biggest insight's I've gained is that I had all I ever wanted with me as a spouse, I just had no clue how to unlock it in Samantha. Now, I do and it has changed our lives. It won't come easy, and it won't be without some emotional carnage at times and it will most certainly not come without a cost of openness on the betrayed spouse, and humility on the unfaithful spouse. But friends, in no uncertain terms, it is well worth the struggle.
