Rick’s recent article, found here: http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-and-transition-stages-the-mystery-of-change, is brilliant, but poignant for both sides of the affair. It’s relatively easy to understand why a betrayed spouse would need to grieve.  After all, life will never be the same again, and life has been changed forever.  It’s not un-repairable, but the fact remains, understanding why the betrayed spouse would grieve is rather easily comprehensible.

Grieving for the unfaithful is paramount as well.  For me, I had to grieve for what my affair did to Samantha and also what it had done to so many other people.  You may not be a public personality, but at one time I was, and in a high profile position.  My affair affected a multitude of people that have scars due to my actions, although all of them a far cry from the scars Samantha lives with.  When the enormity of what I had done hit home, I can tell you grief took me to a place I’d never been before. 

I also had to grieve for what my choices did to the affair partner and her family.  It was devastating indeed and to this day, I wince at the pain she and her family endured due to my actions.

In a bit of a fresher way, I have had to grieve for what my life was supposed to look like, prior to my failure.  If I’m being honest, at some level, even now I’ve walked through some grief over what was lost. 

Eight years later, it’s pretty fresh all that was lost due to my actions, and it’s taken several midnight hour’s if you will, even more conversations with Rick, and numerous books to get back in the saddle and not think my life will never have the impact it once had.  Thinking through the grief of it all, I’ve really had to grieve for what I lost, and for what I’ve probably thrown to the wind due to my selfishness and deception. 

But part of moving to the next chapter of my life was, and is, through grieving:  through realizing what I’m capable of, and how I’m filled with the potential to hurt and affect so many due to my choices.

Grief is what in many ways helps us to eventually let go of what was, and start to grab hold of what is ahead of Samantha and I.  Life is not over.  Life has more meaning and more beauty than it’s ever had before in my entire life, but it’s come through allowing grief to take center stage for a season. 

Perhaps you too need to grieve today, even if you are an unfaithful spouse.  And yes, there is a stage of grieving the loss of the affair partner and it’s real and in many cases to be expected.   (We’ll talk more about that next week).  For now though, I’d encourage you to grieve and realize that what once was, will never be again. That double life.  That duplicity.  It’s gone, in ashes, and never to be rebuilt. 

However, there is a time to dream again and now just may be that time.  To find a new dream if you will. To allow a new thing to be birthed inside of you, your spouse, your marriage (possibly), and maybe even for your career. I don’t know what you’ll need to grieve for, but I can assure you, grieving is the hallway through which a new dream and vision can be launched.