Living in Light of What I’ve Done

My affair was both emotional and physical. When asked which was worse, I'm not really sure what Samantha would leverage as the worst side of it. It was highly sexually charged, but we also communicated and worked together every day and the emotional component was off the chart.

It deepens the pain I feel for what I have put Samantha through, as it was a "double whammy," if you will, of both emotional and physical intimacy. The pain has been immense, but with the right methods and help, time, and the absolute grace of God we have healed in ways I never thought possible.

A new understanding about my past has helped me to live with a new approach. I call it "Living in Light of What I've Done." What I mean is, I understand my propensity to be, as Rick would say, a human wrecking ball. I've also learned what damage and selfishness I'm truly capable of if I do not remain true to the recovery methods that have been my lifeblood these past few years. When Samantha and I have difficult times now, I'm quick to realize a simple fact: I've put this woman through hell, so let's be careful how we approach this minor issue compared to the nuclear fallout we experienced years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I don't live in shame and condemnation. Shame, remember, says I am something bad. Conviction says what I did was bad, but I'm not a bad person. Trust me in that for months and probably a good year, I was convinced I was a bad person and so full of shame it was ridiculous.

I'd also like to point out; Samantha has almost never thrown my failures in my face. She's not ever one to put me through the ringer with hasty generalizations or ruthless accusations. There has been complete transformation in her life as well and I don't ever feel like I'm being reminded by her of my past. It is possible my friends to live a new life, restored, redeemed and replenished with hope for both now, and decades from now.

But I have been able to see my life through the eyes of what I did for over two years. It helps me extend mercy to so many other people. It has produced a perspective in me that is not built upon second guessing everyone I meet and talk to, but understanding the world through new eyes of humility, understanding, and mercy. Why, you say? Because not many people can out-do my indiscretions; and what Samantha and I have lived through is quite literally a miracle of incredible proportions.

  • Did we have to work at it? YES.
  • Did we have to spend good quality money to get the help we needed? YES.
  • Did we shed tears probably unlike any other time heretofore? YES.
  • Did she and I want to quit, ever? YES. Almost every day early on, but when we found the right kind of help, we found momentum very, very quickly. I'm so glad, as is Samantha, that we didn't give up when we didn't know what to do, or where to turn.
  • Was it truly, truly worth it to pursue recovery? YES. Without a doubt.

Get help today friends. It can and will change your lives.

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Thank you for another sign of hope. I need it like water :) I am so thankful for the way God uses each of you (And now me) who have been in this terrible place to turn what satan meant for harm into something good for His glory.


"not many can out-do my indiscretions", no kidding. I could give the Apostle Paul a run for his money!

My husband and I can also put a check mark next to ALL your bullet points. It is truley worth it. We are getting kinda re-married and my vows will not be to him they will be to God only. I did it backwards the first time and husband was my God.


Totally agree...

Great post. I can completely identify and understand your feelings of shame after the affair I put my wife through for over a year and a half. But it is so worth the work to save your marriage. My wife is like yours and has never thrown the affair back in my face or used it to guilt me into action in any way. Her complete forgiveness and unconditional love hash eloped make our recovery both more rapid and more complete. Ricky's programs here have changed our lives and truly saved our marriage. But you have to work through the rough spots for awhile after discovery to get to that sweet spot. And like you said, there is always more work to be done. 

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