Are They Thinking About Their Affair Partner?

Submitted by Samuel Tue, 02/11/2014 - 12:09

The short answer is yes. The longer answer is, yes, because you cannot have a relationship of that magnitude and simply turn it off.  It’s a process to break free. It will take strategy for sure and it will take rock solid commitment to the process. There will be ups and there will be downs, as there is when healing from any life changing event. However, it’s more than possible for your spouse to break free from the hold of their AP.

It’s been 8 years since our own F5 tornado touched down in our lives.  We call that D Day. For the first 6 months or so post disclosure, I played with my phone almost every day, all day out of habit. My AP and I texted all day every day and life after the affair was radically different. Samantha was not in a place to talk to me that often, and unlike some of you, I had lost all of my friends and didn’t have anyone to talk to on a daily basis. Part of recovery for the unfaithful is to have other same sex friends to contact and communicate with instead of the AP. There was no one, so I replaced talking to the AP with praying, music and trying to formulate a new career out of the ashes of my life.

I thought about my AP all the time. One day I was talking to an older man who provided some clarity and direction. When I confessed I was thinking about my affair partner, he simply replied “Samuel if you said you weren’t I’d call you a liar.” He was right. Some days it was more than others, some days it was all day. I hurt for what I had done to her and what I had done to her family. Sure I missed her company, and sure I missed her attention and falling all over me with compliments, applause, assurance and passion. Yes, all of it was true, and remains disturbing to this day.

But I was with Samantha. And quite frankly, Samantha hated me at the moment. Yes, hated me. She shares that quite frequently when she speaks to other women, as it was part of the phase she was in. 

Though I was missing my AP and still had a connected bond with her, I was with Samantha. I wanted to be with Samantha. I chose Samantha. I was committed to doing all I could to at least see if our marriage could be saved. I wasn’t sure Samantha could get over the pain she was in, but I was willing to do whatever it took to save us, even though I was bombarded with thoughts about my affair partner.

For you betrayed spouses please understand your mate is from time to time thinking about their affair partner. But, if they are with you, they are trying. They are doing what they can to be in the right place and I know it’s gut wrenching to believe their minds are wandering. However, it is part of the inevitable process of breaking free from an illegitimate bond they have with someone they should have never had bonded with in the first place. Choices have consequences, and if they are giving it an effort, often times we need to enjoy the progress, though you long for perfection. One of the worst things you can do is say “Are you thinking about your AP?” Then when they answer honestly, you may blast them and they’ll never want to tell you the truth ever again. It’s even more destructive for them to constantly tell you how much they are thinking about their AP and remind you of their selfishness and destructive behavior. The unfaithful need a place where they can process things, and find the light of truth. It’s a vital piece to the puzzle and is now far more available than it was 8 years ago.

If you are an unfaithful spouse, it will get easier as you shift your focus. There is a strategy to help you through this ordeal. You’ll need help from others who have gone through it before. You’ll need to understand you can control what you do with your thoughts and you can break free, over time with the right strategy, and finally gain a sense of peace. I’d give up any hope that it will be instantaneous or overnight, but clarity and peace of mind is available for you.

To this day, I can think of my affair partner if I let myself. I don’t want to, but sometimes I do. If I think of her at any time lately, it’s only a sense of grief for what I did to her, but I have entrusted that to God to bring healing to her. He’s far better at healing than I am. 

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thinking about the affair partner

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

This article is a tough one. So would it be true to say you could miss your affair partner to this day if you let yourself? As a betrayed partner I find it even hard to accept the fact that my husband could look back and feel sorry for what he did to the ap. I see it so differently. She willingly entered into that type of a relationship with a married man and that was her choice. We are nearly two years post d day. I have on occasion asked my husband if he thinks about the ap but his answer is he just thinks about how stupid he was and how guilty and ashamed he feels. Is this something we need to continue to talk about?

I wish

Submitted by Karen58 on

I WISH my husband felt ashamed, but he either ignores me when I mention her or gets angry. He has to see her every day because they work in the same office. I have no way of policing their interactions. He SAYS he doesn't have any communication with her, but that's ridiculous in my book. They see each other every day at work. I can't monitor his cell phone either because it is a company phone and I have no access to the records. So I'm sure he thinks about, sees her, and talks to her every day, no matter what he tells me. It's his second EA with her, I found out about the latest affair by peeking at his work cell and after confronting, he promptly deleted any communication and pics between them. He feels no shame about what he has done to our marriage and just says he called and texted too much. I firmly believe he still.thinks about and talks with her daily. It is hurtful but I have placed our marriage in Gods hands and at least I know I upheld my vows and can stand before God one day and say that. He and the AP will never be able to do that. I am trusting that God's plan for me will unfold as He intends. However, I have to say that these past 14 months since confrontation have been the most brutal pain I have ever endured and I am praying that it molds me into a stronger better person. He and the AP willingly and knowingly entered into this relationship AGAIN without any thought to the consequences and pain it would inflict on anyone else. Yes, I am POSITIVE that he still thinks about and talks to her and it is beyond my control and I have had a hard time coming to grips with that. But slowly but surely I am finally getting it... I can only control myself and my thoughts... Not his. I have to just pray for him and let God deal with him.

tough one indeed

Submitted by Samuel on

anonymous...a tough one indeed. for starters, i had initial sadness for what i had done to my ap as i was so filled with resentment towards my wife. i was heavily conflicted indeed, due to my own deception and disconnectedness with samantha for what i had done. so my empathy was wrongly towards my ap initially than it was towards my wife, and when it finally hit home towards samantha, it was a waterfall indeed. even now i try to live under the waterfall of humility for waht i can do and who i can be if not careful. it's not shame, its humility and awareness. its going to be incredibly difficult to find empathy towards the ap for what she did. its understandable that you would feel that way. you can find a sense of forgiveness though, and compassion for how deceived she was/is etc. i think two years post d day it's probably not something you need to continue to talk about, as he is more than likely heavily filled with guilt and shame for what he did. that's highly normal, and a process to walk out, but he's chosen to be with you. . 2 years is not a ton of time at all, but is enough for him to have heavily detoxed from his ap. yes, i can still think back upon times with my ap, but they are no longer filled with only joy and happiness, as i realize how much of a fantasy it was and how 'unreal' the whole thing was and how it was selfishness and deception. so, the initial joy of missing her is quickly ruined by how completely fantastical it all was. can i miss her, sure, but it's more out of escapism to real life issues now, and not real at all. its letting my mind wander and become undisciplined and simply wanting to check out. he will be able to do that to, however, its more of a mind wandering, let your thoughts wander, than it ever is some yearning or longing to be with his ap. the fact is, he's with you and though his mind may wander from time to time, it doesn't minimize how deeply he wants to be with you and make his marriage work. early on though, when someone says they are not thinking about their ap, it's probably not accurate as it requires a detox stage to break free from them. as the space increases between now and the affair, his heart is getting more and more healed creating the opportunity for you both to forge ahead, reinforcing the intimacy which is based upon understanding the process to healing. again though, two years, though it's a good amount of time, is not long enough to truly experience the fullness of healing you will as time and the process works for you.

Tough one indeed

Submitted by SecondChance18 on

question: How come you say you chose to stay with your wife? I think that if my husband would have "chosen" to stay with me, it would only mean that in his mind he BELIEVED that he could make a life with the ap who by the way was also married. That would mean that I would be HIS SECOND CHOICE because he COULD not be with the ap and so he CHOSE to stay with me where he ALREADY had a family, a home, a career, and a way of life. That does not sound right........

i'm sorry...

Submitted by Samuel on

i'm sorry for the pain you're in.  i chose to stay with samantha as we all have a choice.  we have a choice to stay or go, not always to go be with your spouse or affair partner...sometimes we can just go and be alone and not be with either.   when i say i chose to stay with samantha, i wanted to be there and be with her and not go be alone or with my affair partner.  i simply highlight the fact that i chose to be with her and made that choice and it was a wonderful choice.  she also chose to stay with me and be with me.   hope that helps. 

 

WHY STAy

Submitted by Stephanie (not verified) on

Just my question, Why did you step out in the first place.. I know alot of men always say they love their wife but how could you? If you loved your wife why have an affair. I never understood why married people cant fix their marriage or want to STAY before having an affair. Why not FIRST go to counseling? Why not FIRST fix or TRY to fix your problems. Then youll would bring someone else in get caught and treat the AP wrong just because you feel guilty all of a sudden cause YOU ARE CAUGHT and realize hey I love my wife, but didnt you love her all along? Im confused? You hurted another woman who probably was in love with you all because you was AFRAID to leave what you never wanted at home. I bet the marriage is still rocky and pathetic because just because you stayed home you still had to fake it, and it wont last.

Tough indeed

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

First and formost I would like to thank you for your honest blog about being the betrayer. It gives me some insight as to what I would like to think my husband is feeling. My D day was nine months ago and the hurt now is as raw as it was on D day. I'm in disbelief that my husband can inflict such pain and and victimize our children. However, I find myself thinking about the ap more than my husband. The affair took place throughout the twelve years of our marriage and the ap stalked me for ten of those years which he was aware of and it wasn't until discovery , then it began making sense. He is at the bottom of the barrel and wants redemption and now I read this article and realize he will entertain thoughts of her every now and then regardless of the risk that he put my life in. How do I deal with my husbands unstable affair partner?

stalker....

Submitted by Samuel on

wow anonymous, I'm so sorry. that is a pretty compelling story. for starters, have you read this article? I'll post it here to read. then post another comment to give you some thoughts specific to your story.....

Affair Partners: Eight Reasons Not to Confront Them
Last week, while I was at the credit Union, I was stopped by one of our mentors. I’m sure the tellers had their antenna tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and ways to respond. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked what do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?

Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, “not much”. Rarely have I seen much benefit, and I’ve certainly witnessed a great deal of harm.

What’s the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the other person (OP)? Typically it’s to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain. We think somehow that course of action provides more benefits than the alternative.

To begin, affair partners can lie. It is interesting how often a hurting mate believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways once they realize the pain they have caused. It is not uncommon for the affair partner to lie and manipulate the situation.
How much information do you really want? If you think you might be able to get more information from the affair partner, you're right, but it might not be what you want. If you are married, then you’ve probably already experienced that you and your mate have different subjective realities. You can have vastly different recollections of any event. For that reason alone you can certainly gain a different perspective. At the same time if all your gaining is details about a specific event, your not gaining anything new. It’s difficult enough to process the information from the perspective of your mate, much less the information from the perspective of the affair partner too.
Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. One of the most difficult pieces of an affair to discern is motive. Frequently, there is a compulsion to discover why this has happened and one thing is for certain, the answer does not lie in the affair partner. All too often I’ve worked with people who have talked with the affair partner and made the mistake of assuming their motives must have been the same as those of their mate, or they assume the affair partner somehow understands their mate’s motive. In reality, the affair partner has created an illusion of what your mate’s motives are. So please don’t think the causes and motives of the affair partner match those of your mate. That’s no more likely than the probabilities of your mate really understanding how their betrayal has impacted you.
Vengeance doesn’t work: When you’re really hurting, it’s really tempting to think about making the other party experience the same pain that you’re going through. The only problem is this course of action lowers you to their level and results in self-inflicted injuries. Don’t compromise your personal integrity by acting in ways you normally would never approve of. Injuring another will never bring the peace you seek and it will only lengthen the amount of time it’s going to take to recover.
Don’t gratify their hostility by acting as if you’ve been gotten. You don’t want to act in ways that allow the other person to believe your mate was justified in coming to them. If you act like a crazy person in confronting them you only give them justification for their actions.
Trying to get them to “get it” is futile. One of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see you’re a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. Personally, I don’t think you’re going to have any more luck getting them to understand than you’ve had at getting your mate to get it. The defense mechanisms put into place to justify the affair in the first place are most likely still in place after the affair. You’re not going to be the person capable of breaking through their denial.
It tends to perpetuate the problem. If your mate is trying to break off the relationship with their affair partner talking with them doesn’t help the process. In fact it is almost guaranteed to create more contact. They’ll either contact your mate telling them to have you back off, or they’ll use your contact as a way to try and guilt your mate into trying to gain comfort. The goal is to break off the relationship not to perpetuate the fight.
What do they have that I don’t? At times curiosity drives the desire for contact. You may be asking, “What does the other person have that I don’t?” “Why would my mate choose them over me?” I seriously doubt you’ll ever find the answer to those questions by contacting the other person. Motivations for affairs are complex, and meeting another person will normally not answer your question. In reality, it’s far more likely to confuse the issues. I found that people always affair down. They never have an affair with someone better than the person with whom they’re married. So I’d suggest not lowering yourself to their level by interacting with them. Have more respect for yourself.

After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the OP. For some it will be driven by a need to get the crazy compulsion out of their head. For others it may be a need to face their fears. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the OP and onto your recovery. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind.

"I found that people always

Submitted by laura smith (not verified) on

"I found that people always affair down. They never have an affair with someone better than the person with whom they’re married."

Genuinely asking: Is this something you made up to tell your wife so she would be comforted? Who and what determines "better" ??

For reference: I was the unfaithful. I had an affair with a man who is gentle and kind, highly successful, strong and funny. It wasnt "affairing down", I found a connection with him that in fact made it very hard to move on

... And per myself and my APs wife: He told me I was prettier. He told me I was his favorite. and he was compelled to move mountains for us to be together during our affair - I know he didn't see me as a downgrade. My AP told me he could never be honest with his wife like he was with me. He is a man of strong character so I understand why he chose to stay in his marriage and not dissapoint his children and faith- it certainly was not because she was better

her and I *are apples and oranges. She is loud and confident and athletic. I am creative and quiet and feminine. We both love our kids and try to follow Christ. Is she better than me because she didn't cheat? Is that what determines your definition?

My marriage now is one of deep love after months of reconciling- but I do not agree with your blanket statement. none is better or worse simply because of temptations and desires for real connection when you are extremely lonely... that doesnt make me lower than my APs wife

I have to say that 'affairing

Submitted by Kitty (not verified) on

I have to say that 'affairing down' seems to be a description which is understandably chosen by the betrayed. I suppose it helps some people to try to convince themselves that the person their spouse/ partner chose over them, sometimes for very long term, is lower in status, looks, morals or standards than themselves.
Unfortunately when affairs come out in the open one of the first things asked is ' what does she/he have that I dont?' So I will say, you can not compare one with the other. If a spouse chose to have an affair with someone of identical qualities it probably wouldn't have happened.
Mostly people tend to have affairs with someone who just has different qualities and personalities, looks or even status. Someone with whom they click and find something with that they haven't felt for a long time and realise they were missing. I was OW long term and AP would tell me every day that he never imagined he'd end up in a relationship with someone as beautiful as me. I'm not what I call beautiful, but he thought I was. In effect he had nothing of standing to offer me, I would have left a fantastic home for him because I believed he was the love of my life. It is not about up or down, it is about what you feel you have with each other at the time, a bubble you are in together with so many secrets, until of course the bubble bursts.
Rather than comparing the other person to oneself I think it is much more important to look at the reasons why it happened and not for whom it happened because if you choose to stay those are the things which need working on. Sadly not everyone 'stays' because they had a sudden relevation that they love their spouse more and telling yourself that AP was lower than yourself is not the best way to move forward in building back up a relationship in which one half just didn't feel the full love that you did for a while. It is not about who won or who was chosen that matters and as a side note, once a connection has been built which really does involve love, there is never really anything which can completely erase it, sometimes it is tucked away somewhere safe even though we move on to things we feel we should.

Kitty, how did you move

Submitted by laura smith (not verified) on

Kitty, how did you move forward with your husband in the midst of ongoing, undending, lingering love for your AP? How do you deal with the longing to reach out to them? It feels like this will be a battle of my will for the rest of my life. Luckily we live 5 hours apart, but I feel compelled to go to him at times. Not because of anything my spouse is or isnt doing, simply because I love the other man and miss him.

I feel the same way

Submitted by Terry101 (not verified) on

I totally feel the same way :(

Dear cheating woman, you need

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

Dear cheating woman, you need to leave your poor husband and let him find someone who will truly treasure him. You claim to have a deep love for your husband now but feel compelled to come on here and blabber about how much better you are than your AP’s wife. You don’t know her qualities enough to compare and can only go by your AP lying words. For one thing, I can say she had way better character and values than you and that alone is the reason she outshines you in a million ways.

continuing for the stalker..

Submitted by Samuel on

anonymous, I hope the article helped. for starters, if she is still stalking you, I'd get a restraining order immediately for both protection and legal concerns as well. you may also take different steps to protect yourself as well if you are concerned. in terms of your husband, though he may think about her from time to time, keep in mind, it's a wandering and it's a distraction, not a yearning. if he was really yearning to be with her, i dont think he would have made it this far into recovery without a slip up or without great conflict internally. also, keep in mind, when i think of my ap, it is a distinct reminder of what a screw up i can be. there isn't this glorious love story to dwell upon. it's a beacon of failure and reminder of how my choices can completely wreak havoc upon a large sea of people. so please know, its a humbling thing to have in your memory. i know one time samantha and I were talking, then joking, then she said something like "maybe i'll have an affair...." I chuckled, as now we were fighting, and I said "good luck, you'll hate yourself trying to live with the condemnation and shame you carry around with you for the rest of your life....." she was stunned at what I said. it's true. there isn't this x rated movie of incredible pleasure in our minds, its more failure and shame. so there is great momentum to not think of our affair partner, precisely because of what it reminds us of. i sure hope that sheds some light on it. let me know if you'd like to talk more.

Stalked

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

Samuel, once again thank you for your input. I did file a ppo against the ap only to have t denied. Obviously the courts did not feel that she was a threat. Although I have not seen her for a couple of months but I believe she is trying to avoid me because when I saw her at the supermarket twice and I called her out as a home wrecker and many other names that I don't care to mention. It is so unlike me to behave this way but the betrayal has brought on a very negative behavior. The irony is that my husband is a detective and I would always tell him that I'm constantly running into this person everywhere I went. We were introduced to her once before we were married. Yet he put my life at risk for so many years. At this point I feel he should be tormented by his thoughts and what he has done to our family. If I have to live with this hurt for the remainder of my life then he should as well. It's just how I feel.

GIRL PLEASE

Submitted by Stephanie (not verified) on

How you feel like she is a homewrecker when your home was already wrecked? Sweetie you mad at the wrong person. Your husband wrecked your home. How do you think she got access to your home (marriage)? She got it from your pathetic spouse. Sweetie he is not sorry. He is only sorry he got caught. And let me guess he cried, apologized, did everything he could to keep you at sane so you wouldnt leave?? typical guy. She is crazy because if I was her I wouldve fought you in that store that day. I wouldnt dare feel sorry for a whinny little spouse duck I dont have any loyal to you your husband do and you should take all your frustration out on him hes the one vowed to you.

stalked continued

Submitted by Samuel on

its sad the order was denied. now a days one never knows and i sure would have granted it. at any rate though, you'll need help to move forward. to say ""At this point I feel he should be tormented by his thoughts and what he has done to our family. If I have to live with this hurt for the remainder of my life then he should as well. It's just how I feel"" is vengeful. now, keep in mind, i understand it for sure and get the feelings. i would say that too i'm sure, HOWEVER it wont last friend. pain that is not transformed will be transmitted to the ones we love most, including our kids. i'd highly encourage you to get the help you need to heal. i know what you mean for sure, but i think there is a better way which will offer far more peace of mind and far more life-reward if you will. i'd consider taking the harboring hope course offered here, as well as consider the ems weekend for you and your husband. the only way you wont hurt and the only way he wont stay disconnected from it all, is qualified, expert help from those who have gone through it and are professionals. i hope that makes sense. happy to help in any way i can my friend. thanks for reaching out.

Stalked

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

Thank you for the blog and all the honest thoughts and and feelings you put forth to help individuals in this situation. I will take any advice you have to offer.

I get what you're saying

Submitted by Sunflower02 on

I get what you're saying Samuel, and I usually find your articles very insightful. But I have zero sympathy for the grief of the unfaithful spouse over his affair partner. Seems like we're setting the expectations for the betrayed spouse pretty high in asking that they accept the betrayal and deceit, then sit quietly while listening to the unfaithful talk about their grief over the loss of their affair partner? Is it not enough that we sacrifice our pride and dramas for our marriage by giving the unfaithful a second chance? It's not enough to feel the stabbing, throbbing, burning pain of knowing that we aren't "good enough" for our unfaithful spouses, that the person we trusted and put huge amounts of faith in had no difficulty causing damage equivalent to placing the betrayed spouse in a wood chipper. We should also pat you on the back and listen to how much the affair partner meant to you? Do we really need to magnify all the ways we feel inadequate as a betrayed spouse by hearing all that was so special about your affair partner? Sounds like a personal problem to me.

I agree totally with you!

Submitted by annelanny on

We are 15 months into our recovery after D-day. The first 12 months were hell. I have never experienced so much pain. My husband's affair lasted 4 1/2 years. We are healing ...I am healing. I really want to move forward and put it all behind. We've done tons of counseling and went through EMS. Our pattern now is this: we will have a week or two of doing well, then my husband will let me know he is struggling with his remorse and grief over his affair partner. This sends me into a tailspin. It takes me right back to all the pain that the affair caused me. His response is to become defensive and say I shouldn't expect him to be free of these feelings yet because it was such a long affair. I have no sympathy for his AP. She knew exactly what she was doing. In fact she sat behind me at church every week!! She slept with my husband in MY bed and came to a Christmas party the next week at our house. They had sex in my car! Their affair destroyed our lives. My husband lost his job and career because of it. My young adult children are a mess because of it. I am a wreck because of it. It cost his affair partner nothing but the sadness of having him choose to stay with his wife. She deserves absolutely no pity from him or me. He needs to get over this need to have her see him in a good light. How can I move forward if he keeps being tied to her through his compassion for her?

that's tough for sure....

Submitted by Samuel on

annelanny, i'm so sorry.  i would say, that he's got to find a man to talk to to express those things.  has he taken hope for healing?  that would help im for sure.  him explaining those sentiments to you is just not the time and not appropriate.  some would say that he's being honest and he's being up front, but it's not the wisest or safest place to share those feelings and that level of vulnerability.  i would tell him that he's going to have to find a safe place, hope for healing for example to get those questions/needs/confirmations/feelings dealt with and that you're not the place for that.  it seems that he's blind to how those feelings and emotions of yours are affecting you and how deep the pain is.  he's just not seeing it and not aware of how wounding it is for you to hear those things.  so i would recommend the course, or some sort of 12 step work, but not to share those things with you.  any women, including my samantha, would lose her mind in pain and grief and raw anger to hear those things from their spouse.  i'm so sorry you've had to hear those things. it can and will fade with the right help, but not if he tries to wing it and just hope it goes away on it's own.  it won't dissipate unless he gets help for sure.

 

HUH

Submitted by Stephanie (not verified) on

Your frustration is all going into the AP instead of your husband. Why not leave him?? You taking yourself do something for no reason at all.

Thank you so much for sharing

Submitted by Betrayed... (not verified) on

Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. As the betrayed spouse, it is so difficult to think about how my wife still has feelings for her affair partner. She did not see him for long, and the affair was cut off 5 months ago. She is still emotionally and physically distant with me - she says that her feelings for her affair partner follow her around in a way she cannot control - that she is in a state of limerance that she just can't end, as much as she wants to. Reading your blog, and others, I'm beginning to understand that it is fairly normal that the wayward spouse would still have feelings for their affair partner.

However, in our situation, she only knew her affair partner for a couple months, and they have not had contact for 5 months. She still looks up his Facebook page and fantasizes about him (including, I am embarrassed to say, masturbating to her memories of him). She insists that it takes every ounce of her willpower to not contact him - and that me asking her to not do those other things is just too much to ask for. I suppose I can understand feelings that just won't go away - you can't control feelings. But, those are actions... and I am afraid that those are the kinds of actions that will keep her feelings for him going, instead of letting them fade. That they are part of the reason she still has such strong feelings for him, and distance from me, 5 months later.

She says she needs space, so that she can get over him. I am trying, with every fiber of my being, to give her that space. But I am afraid that no matter how much space I give, if she keeps engaging in activities that bring her mind and fantasies back to him, her feelings for him will just be prolonged indefinitely and I will be living in limbo (and with limited emotional connection from her) for a very long time.

I have thought about leaving - that me leaving would force her to really decide whether holding onto those feelings is worth it. Reading articles about how the feelings are difficult to escape makes me think that she is possibly doing the best she can, and that me leaving would be extreme. But, then when I think about how she consciously chooses to do things to remind herself of him, then I think that maybe she's not making as much of an effort to get over him as she could.

What are your thoughts? Should I be giving up hope?

10 years later found that husband still texts & talks to AP

Submitted by Will14 (not verified) on

10 years after affair I learned my husband still texts/talks to his AP. When I told him I saw the text on his phone, and how concerned should I be. He said it is friendly conversation. She moved recently and she was letting me know. Her mom moved in with her. Is this normal?

Pain

Submitted by Irish guy (not verified) on

My wife is having an emotional affair with another man. I shut her out during a depression and drove her away from me. I am is so much pain right now. I am filled with sorrow and regret. I can barely breathe.

Emotional affair

Submitted by Mark B (not verified) on

Hi. How are you doing? I saw your post from 11 mos. ago while reading the article. I too am in your situation and can empathize with you. I am at 2 mos.

I know this was written a

Submitted by Francie (not verified) on

I know this was written a long time ago, but it really spoke to me. I hated the OW for so long, years, until I realized that she could have been anyone. The person my anger was really about was my husband. Once I came to that reality it was easier to move forward in therapy.

I have forgiven both my husband and the OW, but I will never fully trust my husband again. And that is a reality that he now needs to live with. I only hope that the OW made a onetime poor choice when she chose to be with a married man. I hope she has learned from this. If not, that's on her. I am peacefully moving forward.

Thank you.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas