Are They Thinking About Their Affair Partner? The short answer is yes. The longer answer is, yes, because you cannot have a relationship of that magnitude and simply turn it off. It’s a process to break free. It will take strategy for sure and it will take rock solid commitment to the process. There will be ups and there will be downs, as there is when healing from any life changing event. However, it’s more than possible for your spouse to break free from the hold of their AP. It’s been 8 years since our own F5 tornado touched down in our lives. We call that D Day. For the first 6 months or so post disclosure, I played with my phone almost every day, all day out of habit. My AP and I texted all day every day and life after the affair was radically different. Samantha was not in a place to talk to me that often, and unlike some of you, I had lost all of my friends and didn’t have anyone to talk to on a daily basis. Part of recovery for the unfaithful is to have other same sex friends to contact and communicate with instead of the AP. There was no one, so I replaced talking to the AP with praying, music and trying to formulate a new career out of the ashes of my life. I thought about my AP all the time. One day I was talking to an older man who provided some clarity and direction. When I confessed I was thinking about my affair partner, he simply replied “Samuel if you said you weren’t I’d call you a liar.” He was right. Some days it was more than others, some days it was all day. I hurt for what I had done to her and what I had done to her family. Sure I missed her company, and sure I missed her attention and falling all over me with compliments, applause, assurance and passion. Yes, all of it was true, and remains disturbing to this day. But I was with Samantha. And quite frankly, Samantha hated me at the moment. Yes, hated me. She shares that quite frequently when she speaks to other women, as it was part of the phase she was in. Though I was missing my AP and still had a connected bond with her, I was with Samantha. I wanted to be with Samantha. I chose Samantha. I was committed to doing all I could to at least see if our marriage could be saved. I wasn’t sure Samantha could get over the pain she was in, but I was willing to do whatever it took to save us, even though I was bombarded with thoughts about my affair partner. For you betrayed spouses please understand your mate is from time to time thinking about their affair partner. But, if they are with you, they are trying. They are doing what they can to be in the right place and I know it’s gut wrenching to believe their minds are wandering. However, it is part of the inevitable process of breaking free from an illegitimate bond they have with someone they should have never had bonded with in the first place. Choices have consequences, and if they are giving it an effort, often times we need to enjoy the progress, though you long for perfection. One of the worst things you can do is say “Are you thinking about your AP?” Then when they answer honestly, you may blast them and they’ll never want to tell you the truth ever again. It’s even more destructive for them to constantly tell you how much they are thinking about their AP and remind you of their selfishness and destructive behavior. The unfaithful need a place where they can process things, and find the light of truth. It’s a vital piece to the puzzle and is now far more available than it was 8 years ago. If you are an unfaithful spouse, it will get easier as you shift your focus. There is a strategy to help you through this ordeal. You’ll need help from others who have gone through it before. You’ll need to understand you can control what you do with your thoughts and you can break free, over time with the right strategy, and finally gain a sense of peace. I’d give up any hope that it will be instantaneous or overnight, but clarity and peace of mind is available for you. To this day, I can think of my affair partner if I let myself. I don’t want to, but sometimes I do. If I think of her at any time lately, it’s only a sense of grief for what I did to her, but I have entrusted that to God to bring healing to her. He’s far better at healing than I am.