Why the Unfaithful is Angry The unfaithful cheat and then they have the nerve to be angry….how does that work? It sounds crazy, but upon further review it makes sense. I was angry when my affair came out. I was a lot of other things as well: numb, confused, shocked, disengaged and disconnected. My classic reasoning system was “Well, if she would have been more aware of my needs, maybe I wouldn’t have cheated.” “If I wasn’t just a fourth kid, maybe things would have been different.” Lunacy, I know. The unfaithful typically will resort to anger as a secondary emotion. We often times feel an intense amount of guilt, shame and condemnation and instead of sharing those feelings, genuinely letting down our guard, and being vulnerable, what the betrayed see is more and more anger and hostility. Here are some reasons why we’re angry: We’re angry at ourselves. Why did we do what we did? Why did we allow ourselves to get sucked into this nightmare? We’re angry at you. Now, we’re finally coming clean or we’ve finally been caught, and we’ve stuffed down our anger at you for perceived rejection and now it’s coming out. The timing of it is horrible, but we’re maybe finally tapping into frustration we felt for years. Problem is, we should be angrier at ourselves than you, but we can’t reason through our emotions very well right now. We’re an angry, confused, mess. We’re angry at our dumb decision to stuff the frustration over the years, especially because we know that if we’d have handled it differently we’d never be here. We’re angry at the thousand chances we had to do this right and that we chose the wrong way every single time. Now we’ve blown our lives up and have no clue how we got here and how to ‘get back home.’ We’re angry at God for allowing it to happen this way. Why didn’t he intervene? Why didn’t he make things come out another way? Why this way? Why now? Why didn’t he stop us from doing what we did in the first place? We’re angry that we’re not in control and can’t make you forgive us, let us back in the house, or be bullied into quickly forgiving us. We can’t control you and usually we are able to control everything. But not this time, and not you. We’re spiraling. We’re angry you that you want to talk about the affair as it only makes us flood and reminds us of our shame and how much we hate ourselves. We’re angry because we feel powerless. What we really feel is fear, but we show it as anger instead because we feel like we have lost the ability to be genuine and can’t be vulnerable. We’re angry at what our lives have become. We never saw this coming.