Is your Spouse Unhealthy? Don't do This...

When an unfaithful spouse has an affair, they are unhealthy and not seeing or thinking clearly. But is it appropriate to expect an unhealthy person to be making healthy choices? We set ourselves up for failure when we expect an unhealthy person to make healthy, responsible choices.

Add New Comment:

Comments

thank you Samuel... that is such TRUTH

I have really appreciated our Vlogs. You actually remind me a bit of my husband... and I am very much praying that he gets to the place where you are!! It has been over a year since D-day. As I have began to recover, and I am better able to withstand the triggers and pain, I find that I am still struggling to keep my expectations in a healthy place - so that God can do the work!!! I don't want to give up because of "what I do not see" and yet I know that it is important for me to NOT make demands. It is too easy for anyone to look like they are doing the right thing - I have learned that one the hard way.

robyn...

thank you so much for your compliment and appreciation of the vlogs. we do our best to keep them relative and on point. at a year I remember we still had several points of difficulty so don't be discouraged. we didn't hit our stride till the 1.5 or two year point and then we were in a much much better place. we had some wonderful times at a year but had some terrible times as well. we just didn't give up. we kept pushing and there is a ton of help on the site for sure. God will show you (eventually) if things are off and if what you're not seeing is concerning. Samantha held on to the faith that if there was something going on that she needed to know, God would reveal it to her in time. you're going to make it, but it's a day by day struggle i know. i hope we keep helping you more and more. reach out any time.

Is your spouse unhealthy?

My husband currently lives in an apartment and I am in the house. He is the betrayer and all this came to light several months ago. I also found out he has had other affairs as well throughout our marriage. At first he wanted to reconcile now says he just isn't there. I wait for him to text which he occasionally does- I don't text him first- I showed him the EMS weekend stuff and he said he'll think about it. Was supposed to text yesterday never did and not today. He started counseling and gas gone twice. Not sure if he'll continue. He is successful but has lots of baggage. He is also an alcoholic and has started drinking again. I started to file for divorce but rescinded when he said he wanted to reconcile. Now I have to start again- 8000 dollars already owed to my lawyer. God has told me restoration but all keeps getting worse.

Is your spouse unhealthy?

My husband currently lives in an apartment and I am in the house. He is the betrayer and all this came to light several months ago. I also found out he has had other affairs as well throughout our marriage. At first he wanted to reconcile now says he just isn't there. I wait for him to text which he occasionally does- I don't text him first- I showed him the EMS weekend stuff and he said he'll think about it. Was supposed to text yesterday never did and not today. He started counseling and gas gone twice. Not sure if he'll continue. He is successful but has lots of baggage. He is also an alcoholic and has started drinking again. I started to file for divorce but rescinded when he said he wanted to reconcile. Now I have to start again- 8000 dollars already owed to my lawyer. God has told me restoration but all keeps getting worse.

Unhealthy

Samuel, loved the video, right on. But what do you do with an unhealthy spouse, that feels like they are healthy? That even believes they are healthy enough to put themselves back into the same situation that caused them to cheat before? Obviously there are some "sick" tendencies that are still hanging on, when they don't even recognize the damage they are causing because of their lack of caution. Your thoughts?

what do you do...same situation....

tom123, that's tough for sure. it sounds like left over deception in my opinion and is probably some pride too. relapse is always about pride and we thinking we can do things we're just not ready for. putting ourselves in situations were just not safe enough, and may not ever be safe enough to put ourselves in. it's definitely a mark of concern. for starters, i would approach with 'i'm not comfortable with these types of situations or these types of tendencies...if you are going to resort to them, then this will happen.....using this article's approach: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling IE, "if you're comfortable doing these things, knowing they hurt me or make me feel uncomfortable, we have a problem and i'm not wanting to go down that road again." I'd also give this article a read on relapse and maybe share it with her, actually two articles: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-after-affair-relapse-prevention https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/relapse-prevention-after-affair see what you think about those articles helping. but i'd tell you to do all you can to fight to go back into any situation that would create vulnerability all over again. probably the only things they will listen to is 1. articles from an outside, third party perspective 2. someone else who has gone through it before themselves and maybe even relapsed 3. an expert professional who can help her see some things. how far out are you both from d day? that may also help me give you some thoughts as well. take care and thanks again for being on the vlog.

I really needed to hear this

I really needed to hear this message! I have been wandering around, completely devoid of any productive feelings, since discovering my husband of 31 years was caught sharing suggestive text messages with a coworker two weeks ago. He appears unbelievably contrite, even overly so, which makes me wonder if there is more to this story than just flirtatious behavior. We both agree that we are still in love with each other, that our marriage is the most important thing we have. We both agree that we are deeply hurting, and that we need some help. (This isn't the first time he has been caught contacting other woman under the radar, and it's time for me to get real and face this.)
But I have to admit that I have been feeling let down by his seemingly cavalier additude about getting help. While I have been scouring this website for direction and support, he has been going about his day-to-day activities without any mention of the discovery, our pain, or any plans for recovery, unless I specifically bring it up. If I began to feel anything at all, it was resentment.
THIS VIDEO WOKE ME UP! I now realize that HE needs help getting help. And as broken as I am, it is I who is the healthier of the two of us. Therefore, it is I who must help him get healthy! This is the hardest thing I've ever done. God give me the grace and mercy...

Thank you so much for your non-judgmental approach. I'm praying that it's just what we need to begin healing. But I'm unsure of how to approach him about EMSO. What do I say, what do I not say? Where do I begin? I just want to feel again so I can start processing this and help him, and our marriage, begin to heal.

31notdone...

thanks for posting. its not your job to get him healthy my friend. it's simply your job as the healthier one, to present the opportunity and if he will not do anything, to enact consequences. your job is to say if you wont do X then this is going to be coming your immediately. most of the time, we as the unfaithful will get help due to the threat of loss or the threat of consequences. again, it's a MOST of the time. fact is, we don't want to get help. we don't want to talk about our secrets. we don't want to feel shame. shame makes us feel uncomfortable and if he won't talk about it, what he's really saying is, the uncomfortable feelings that I'm feeling are more important to care for than our marriage and getting healthy. rather than do what it takes to get healthy, and rather than open myself up to getting help to help you and i heal, i'd rather nurse my own pain and hurt and not get help. if this isn't the first time, and you didn't get help then, why will their not be a third time? his own power has proven ineffective to getting help. his own power has proven it is NOT strong enough to prevent him from acting out. i would say to him, i want to do the emso. we both need it. it's for both of us, not just me, not just you. we need to do it. if you won't do it, then you need to know i'll be doing this and these will be the consequences to your action.......this article will help for sure: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling these articles will also help in terms of understanding his shame and how his shame is preventing him from being able to focus on what YOU need and what needs to happen for the victims of his choices and indiscretions: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame please don't play with fire my friend. don't allow him to not get help and not get expert help at that. one size fits all won't work. you need specialized help like the ems online and if he won't do it, then here are a few things betrayed spouses do: ask him to sleep in another bedroom until further notice, ask him to leave for a few days so you can decide about some things, seek an attorney and get a structured separation for a bit, cut off all physical intimacy, etc etc. you'll have to give it some time, thought, prayer if you pray and maybe even professional help from an EXPERT on what those consequences can be. but if there are none, then ask yourself what motivation is there for him to get help and why would he get help? hope that helps.

How?

How do we reach out to you? Only through these comments?

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer