Recovery Work from Infidelity Can't Be about Control

Samuel provides insight into how to find greater freedom in recovery.

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My UH who has severe intimacy anorexic and conflict avoidance tendencies has taken this advice as an excuse to avoid and connect as a couple. We go for weeks and even months without him making any effort to communicate or engage under the umbrella of "you stay on your side of the street and I'll stay on mine. We are now 2.5 years from the initial d day and he refuses to do the very simple things I have asked and says he has to focus on himself (translated he loves this "out" of living on his side of the street)

there are always those that will do this....

hi there emsnorthcarolina....there are always those, a small population, that will take a n y t h i n g  they hear or see or read and use it against their partner and use it to justify their actions.  i'm terribly sorry he's doing that to you.  it does happen quite often in this 'faction' of people who try to defend their behavior and make excuses for it.  the reality is, intimacy anorexia is a real thing.  however, the advice here is work on your side of the street, with great devotion and dedication to you own private work.  so, the reality is, if he is working hard on his area, there should be fruit to his healing.  there should, one would hope, be fruit that you're seeing due to his cleaning of his street ya know?  for him to refuse to do these little, simple things, what are they?  what sort of things will he refuse to do?  i'm sorry for the pain you're in.  the question becomes, how long can you live like this and how long are you willing to allow this to go on?  you have options my friend. you have a choice in this.  im sorry for your pain.  i truly am. 

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