Healing After an Affair: How do I Address Unmanageability?

Recently I was talking with a client about the concept of “powerlessness”. What I find to be an excellent antidote to powerlessness, and crucial for healing after an affair, is acceptance - acceptance of my circumstances, acceptance that my best efforts have brought me to this place, acceptance of my inability to affect change in myself as well as others, and the acceptance of who and what I really am. This may sound a bit negative, but in reality, it many times is the beginning of hope. Until I can accept my powerlessness, I will be destined to continue in my strivings to change that which I have never successfully managed to change. I will continue to live in the problem as I try to improve the situation (which is what I’ve tried to do so many times before, unsuccessfully) rather than accepting my powerlessness and moving on to a new approach. I cannot underscore enough the statement that our powerlessness is not an excuse, rather it’s a reality, and it’s the denial of that reality which keeps me in a cycle of perpetual failure. It’s these thoughts on powerlessness which necessitates the concept of “unmanageability” when healing after an affair.

After we come to a place of accepting our powerlessness, it’s not uncommon for those in difficult circumstances or with seemingly unstoppable behaviors to cry out to God for help. We want to be delivered from our own personal hell on earth that we have created by our own choices. For the hurt spouse, a sense of hopelessness seems to set in. They may ask, “If it’s not about me, and if I can’t affect change in my mate, then how can I ever be safe, and how can I ever trust again?” For the unfaithful mate, despair also reigns supreme. They may tell themselves, “If I can’t stop, and if I’m truly powerless in the face of my behavior, then it’s only a matter of time until life as I know it comes to a screaming halt.” What do you do? Is healing after an affair impossible?

If you find that your best efforts at stopping hurtful or self-destructive behaviors (even perhaps after a significant amount of therapy and self-help) have resulted in a continued pattern of more of the same, then I’d invite you to consider the possibility that maybe your life is unmanageable. Unmanageability, though, is not a concept about a single pattern of self-defeating behavior; rather, it is a concept that addresses every aspect of one’s life. Our problem as human beings is pride. We believe that we can do it, or at least that we ought to be able to get it right and certainly our mate ought be able to get it right. We want to believe that there has to be something that I’m good at, and something I can overcome, when in reality, I just live in a world of denial believing that my mate and I have all we need within ourselves to overcome life’s obstacles.

The antidote to unmanageability has always been and will always be unconditional surrender, and not more passionate self effort, more therapy, or more insight. If I am unable to see and acknowledge the unmanageability of my circumstance then I will never be willing to consider the possibility that there really is a “Higher Power” that may be bigger than me. If I really accept my powerlessness over my behavior and circumstances, and my own inability to manage my life or the life of my mate, then there had better be a God who is bigger than me or I’m up the proverbial creek without a paddle. If I’m left to my own ability and I’ve never gotten it right, what makes me think that I’m going to improve sometime in the future? There had better be a God who can do better than I can or we’re all going down and it’s only going to get worse. I’m only fooling myself if I think I can change on my own, or that my mate can change on their own. Healing after an affair is much more tangible once I realize this, as it creates space for me to reach out and get the help I need from qualified professionals with personal experience in this journey, those who know the in’s and out’s of my own trauma.

The source of continued relapse always comes down to an inability to surrender. I will never be willing to do whatever it is going to take to recover if I believe that my latest course of self effort, or that a fresh understanding of my motives, will somehow propel me to a new way of acting and relating. It may, for a short season, result in temporary change, but even that change only reinforces the lies that I can change, that I can do it, and that I don’t have to fully surrender to a Power that is greater than I am. I believe if you honestly review the course of your life, you will many times notice a perpetual pattern of never ending failures to get it right. The crazy thing is, we address healing after an affair very similarly. You will always be able to find an excuse as to why the latest attempt to get it right failed. Sadly though, that excuse will usually fall at the feet of a family member or a loved one, but in the long run the only common denominator is you.

But, it doesn’t have to remain that way. Healing after an affair is possible and we can help you see your life rebuilt and your family put back together in a way you maybe never thought possible. The inability to accept the unmanageability of my life only postpones what I need most, which is absolute surrender to a loving God who can do that which I have never, or will never, be able to do.

If we can answer any questions at all, or provide direction for you in terms of your own recovery, or your spouse’s, please email us at info@hope-now.com or call us at 512-879-6326.