Recently, I was talking with a client about the concept of powerlessness. In most 12 step recovery programs, the first step is to acknowledge we are powerless and our lives are unmanageable. Something I find to be an excellent antidote to powerlessness and unmanageability is acceptance. I also find acceptance to be a crucial part of healing after an affair:

• acceptance of my circumstances,
• acceptance that my best efforts have brought me to this place,
• acceptance of my inability to affect change in myself as well as others, and
• acceptance of who and what I really am.

Acceptance is the beginning of hope. Until we can accept that as truth, we are powerless. We will be destined to continue longing for change in areas we’ve never successfully managed to change. Rather than accept our own powerlessness and move on to a new, better approach, we continue to live with the problem and all the hardship that comes with it. I cannot emphasize this enough. Our powerlessness is not an excuse. It's the denial of that reality that keeps us in a cycle of perpetual failure.

After we come to a place of accepting our powerlessness, it's not uncommon for those in difficult circumstances to cry out to God for help. We want to be delivered from our hell-on-earth circumstances that have most often been created by our own choices, often over the course of many years. For the hurt spouse, a sense of hopelessness can set in. They may ask, "If it's not about me, and if I can't affect change in my mate, then how can I ever be safe, and how can I ever trust again?" For the unfaithful mate, despair also reigns supreme. They may tell themselves, "If I can't stop, and if I'm truly powerless in the face of my behavior, then it's only a matter of time until life as I know it comes to a screaming halt." What should you do? Is healing after an affair impossible?

If you find that your best efforts at stopping hurtful or self-destructive behaviors (even, perhaps, after a significant amount of therapy or self-help) have resulted in a continued pattern of more of the same, then I'd invite you to consider the possibility that maybe your life as you currently know it is unmanageable. Unmanageability is not a concept about a single pattern of self-defeating behavior; rather, it is a concept that addresses every aspect of one's life. As human beings, our primary problem is pride. We believe that we can do it, or, at least, that we ought to be able to get it right and our mate certainly ought to be able to get it right. My pride makes me believe that there has to be something that I'm good at and something I can overcome when, in reality, I'm just living in a world of denial, believing that my mate and I have all we need within ourselves to overcome life's obstacles.

Once you identify the problem as unmanageability, the antidote will be (and always has been) unconditional surrender – acknowledging you are alone powerless to change it. If we are unable to see and acknowledge the unmanageability of our circumstance, then we will never be willing to consider the possibility that there really is a "higher power" that may be bigger than us.

If I accept my powerlessness over my behavior and circumstances and my own inability to manage my life or my mate's life, then there had better be a God who is bigger than me or else I'm up the proverbial creek without a paddle. If I'm left to my own ability and I've never gotten it right, what makes me think that I'm going to improve sometime in the future? I'm only fooling myself if I think I can change on my own or that my mate can change on their own.

Healing after an affair is much more tangible once we realize this, as it creates space to reach out and get the help we need from qualified professionals with personal experience in helping those with this type of trauma.

The reason for continued relapse always comes down to an inability to surrender. We will never be willing to do whatever it takes to recover if we believe that our latest effort or a fresh understanding of our motives will somehow propel us to a new way of acting and relating. It may, for a short season, result in temporary change, but even that change only reinforces the lies that we can change, that we can do it, and that we don't have to fully surrender. I believe that if we honestly review the course of our life, that we will notice a perpetual pattern of failing to get it right. The crazy thing is, we address healing after an affair very similarly to this. We will always be able to find an excuse as to why the latest attempt to get it right failed. Sadly, that excuse will usually fall at the feet of a family member or a loved one, but, in the long run, the only common denominator is you. But it doesn't have to remain that way. The inability to accept the unmanageability of our life only postpones what we need most, which is absolute surrender to a loving God who can do that which we have never, or will never, be able to do. . . CHANGE.

Healing after an affair is possible. Our research shows that 85% of couples who have attended the EMS Weekend retreat or completed the EMS Online course report report saving their marriage at the one-year point after participation. We can at least show you the way to help put your life back together, maybe even in a way you never thought possible. If you are the betrayed spouse, I recommend taking the Harboring Hope online course. It's a 13-week course designed just for you and is filled with expert guidance and a supportive community.