Surviving Infidelity: What Is Narcissism?

As a young man, I had no appreciation for Greek Mythology. That was my loss. As an older man, I’ve come to appreciate the lessons taught by these stories. In particular, the story of Narcissus holds personal intrigue. It became especially significant when I realized it was so important to surviving infidelity.

As the story goes, a graceful and pretty nymph named Echo loved Narcissus, in vain. Narcissus' beauty was so unmatched that he felt it was godlike in scope, comparable to the beauty of Dionysus and Apollo. As a result, Narcissus spurned Echo's affections until, despairing, she faded away to nothing but a faint, plaintive whisper. To teach the vain boy a lesson, the goddess Nemesis doomed Narcissus to fall in love with his own reflection in Echo's pond. Entranced by his own beauty and enamored with his own image, Narcissus lay on the bank of the river and wasted away staring down into the water.

At Affair Recovery, due to the scope of our efforts to see healing after an affair, my staff and I field question after question regarding narcissism and its true definition. What is it, what does it look like, and how do we make it go away. Frequently, I ask clients to describe what they believe to be narcissism. They generally respond with “self love.” Like many, they believe it describes an individual who loves himself too much. Interestingly enough, when dealing with true narcissism as it pertains to surviving infidelity, it’s unfortunately not the case.

Let me explain a bit deeper. Narcissus didn’t fall in love with himself, rather he fell in love with his image and it was the love of his image that caused his demise. When people really possess self love and self acceptance, it is then that they thoughtfully care for themselves. They care about what is actually beneficial for themselves and that’s sincere love. It’s acceptance and respect of self which actually allows them to care about others and act in the best interest of those around them as well. Without self acceptance they will compromise themselves for the sake of others, deluding them all along with themselves into believing a false reality. Self love is a respectful love and acceptance of oneself. However, far too often, it is the love of self-image that for us, as for Narcissus, becomes our fatal flaw.

I think maybe we all are a bit like Narcissus. We can be so enamored with our image that we protect our image over our real self. Our culture seems obsessed with producing the right image. We have spin doctors, image consultants, designer clothes, plastic surgeons, steroids and botox all in an attempt maintain the right image. What’s truly tragic is that we want to believe our own press, the spin we put on our own lives, but we cannot. Thus, we thereby create a never-ending cycle of striving for the “right” image. We desperately desire to feel good about ourselves and we try to help ourselves through the protection of our own image.

Some might argue that image is a useful tool for allowing us to achieve near perfection if only in an illusionary form. However, like Narcissus, it causes us to think more highly of ourselves then we ought. We expect to gain self respect and the respect of others by simply appearing to have our act together. But to maintain that appearance we must accomplish the near impossible – hiding our failures, our defects of character, our wounds and our mediocrity. With the right look, clothes, job, mate, children, car, success, and body you too can appear to be a “together person,” but at what price? The only currency with which to purchase image is the loss of integrity, honesty, children, and life. When the lust for image takes over, everything else must bow to its demands. I have to pretend for others and for myself that life is good and that I am good even if I’m starving, drinking or drugging self to death, or struggling with any number of other demons. Now, if you’re married, this dysfunction and obsession easily spreads to the image of the marriage and family as well. A husband and wife can begin to pretend normal, gloss over flaws in their marriage, portraying to themselves and the outside world an illusion of a lovely, enviable marriage between two excellent people. The desire to hide the flaws and protect the image can become and overriding and oppressive weight. The longer the charade continues, the more crushingly critical it seems that no one know the truth, lest the image be destroyed.

However, in the end, like Narcissus, the cost of maintaining our image is our death.

I spoke with a man just yesterday who has been trapped in a nine year affair. The problem is, he loves both images of his life that he has created for himself: the image supported by his affair partner and the image he has maintained for his family. Like Narcissus at Echo’s pond, the reflection created by his affair partner makes him feel great about himself. She sees him the way he wants to be seen. She adores him, she accommodates him, she appreciates him, she is affectionate with him. Whether he will admit it or not, if he breaks away from the reflecting pond that he has found in his affair partner he will lose at least two of his treasured images: the image of a man worthy of adoration and affection that his affair partner reinforces and the image that he has constructed for his wife and children. Why would he want to give up his image to face reality and an uncertain future? For this man, surviving infidelity means finding a worthy answer to this question.

But as mentioned above, the price for maintaining the image is the loss of his self respect, his integrity, his most important family relationships, and even his health. He’s deep in depression, has cancer, and feels totally hopeless. I suspect like Narcissus, unless he comes to his senses and admits and owns his dysfunction, he will risk the future of wasting away, locked in a hopeless life all for the sake of maintaining his beautiful illusion. To him, image is everything. He can’t break free because he is in love with his own image. He cannot face what might come after the affair.

As this man’s story illustrates, the word tragic doesn’t even begin to describe the circumstances created by image management. The inability to be honest with oneself and others for the sake of one’s image can only lead to situations like that of Narcissus where we ultimately lose our freedom and waste away into nothingness. The price extracted from those who love their image is ultimately their love of life. And like Narcissus, the love of our image kills those who love us. Our self-absorption leaves the “Echos” in our lives despairing, fading away to nothing but a faint, plaintive whisper. There is no love, no true attention or care left for them, and we’ve only hurt the ones that we should be devoting the best of our lives toward. Finally, the compromise of self for the sake of one’s image will ultimately lead to self-contempt and self-resentment. Healing after an affair requires taking a hard look to see if this self-love is present in us.

It doesn’t have to end this way though. Surviving infidelity is possible for individuals and couples trapped at the reflecting pond, but it requires giving up the illusion created by the image, giving up thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought, and being willing to become soberly honest. Until we come to the point where we are willing to choose health (mental, physical and emotional) and accept ourselves as we truly are and shatter the image, then we will be enslaved by our own reflection during or even after the affair.

If you find yourself trapped in at the reflecting pond, please be aware that there is a way out. You can break free and breaking free is not what will kill you, rather the continued maintenance of the image will be your demise. Healing after an affair requires a willingness to be true to yourself and to choose life and to be real. You will find the rewards far outweigh the benefits afforded by the illusion.