I got a lot out of this article, Rick. IMO, never would have thought of my husband as a narcissist in that he's very shy, introverted socially, easy going, and doesn't draw a lot of attention to himself. However, as I reflected on what you wrote, it's not so much what he thinks of himself...it's more about the image that he wants to show the world. He is, by nature, an avoider of conflict. Yet,, when faced with life altering events that have affected his "essence" of who he thinks he is or wants to be, he has withdrawn and buried his pain. In burying the pain, or repeating what you often say...pain that is not recognized and dealt with will be transmitted, he chose years of acting out behaviors that destroyed our vows and marriage commitment. The image he wanted others to see did not match the behaviors that he was practicing. Even with that, he was able to justify his actions with a multitude of excuses that ultimately seemed to clear his conscience and provide permission for his actions. If meeting anonymous women "on line" was not really cheating since they didn't exchange real names, have sexual intercourse etc he was able to maintain the "image" of being a doting, devoted husband. Not getting emotionally involved with random hook ups gave him the assurance that he wasn't really doing anything wrong, as affairs are all about connections and relationships. For him the hook ups were nothing more than a physical "release" of energy that didn't affect his marriage or life, and certainly, what I didn't know, wasn't going to hurt "us" as a couple. He could act out secretly and not find fault in his behaviors as he felt little to no guilt as along as his image was in tact. He was also able to preserve his image of the perfect husband by performing all "family" activities, not acting out after work hours, not spending the night with women, not giving in to certain sexual behaviors, though the opportunity was there, and justifying his reasons based on a sense of entitlement. When a health scare happened, that was even more reason for him to seek physical connections as saw his "masculinity" potentially being tested or challenged by a self-diagnosis that proved to not be the case. None-the-less, his image of a young, virile, successful, desired man whom women found attractive via on-line profiles and text messaging proved exhilarating to his psyche. I agree that we're all narcissistic to the degree that we want what's best for "us" and desire to be looked at and thought of as special, lovable, appreciated. Yet, when the truth came out about my husband and learning that his behaviors had been ongoing for 14 years under the umbrella of the "perfect" husband, I have had my world blown apart. I cannot control the image that he sees of himself, and the wordily view of what attractive and successful are versus personal fulfillment and contentment. Since he is probably the most UNLIKELY person that others would suspect of cheating, it goes to show that our human failings, sinful nature can and does have a powerful hold us our actions. Being married for nearly 35 years, my husband was a man true to his convictions and morals. He wouldn't even cross a street against the light. He never parked outside the lines, always gave to others with his time and energy, attended church and followed his faith, raised our children with love and patience, doted on me with love and attention, and promises of devotion...yet all the while,, for almost half our marriage, he was cheating with a variety of "self-entitled" excuses. I have often been accused of vanity as I like to look my best, keep fit, stay youthful with fun activities and mind-set. Because my husband is a good looking man whom others always thought of as near perfection with his adoring demeanor and for whom our children considered their hero, I'm at a complete and total loss as to how to proceed with the "real" truth versus what I now realize was a "deceived" truth. In all this pain, I continue to plead that my husband act with authenticity, not what he "thinks" he should think, act, or behave. There is so many layers to him, but I believe that he is still running from the dark issues that he's pushed deep inside his heart. Its nearly impossible to simple put one foot in front of the other towards healing when my husband acts the same exact way as he acted since I met him. Yet, he says he's "changed"...he's "different". He wants me to acknowledge his changes and cut him slack for these improvements..and I do see him more engaged with me; more communicative. But, the behaviors he practiced happened for so long and with such a lack of guilt that I can't trust that simply more communication with me equates to a new person. The image he needs from me is the one I had prior to DDs #1. #2, #3...but that image is messed up. I guess after 35 years, I need to reinvent the man that I married based on his sorrow for hurting me and his willingness to change his behaviors. Is that enough? What do I do with all the years of family memories, anniversaries, birth of grandchildren, holidays etc that he was actively cheating and I thought we were living a marriage of integrity and commitment. I am more than willing to accept that my energies towards him physically, as of the last few years, hurt his feelings. But, was his narcissistic ego and desire to be adored by random women that were also cheating on their mates take precedence over our marriage and legacy that we will leave our children and their children? Sadly the answer was yes. With God's help. his decision to leave that "ego" behind and live the life that he "pretended" to lead. He claims he never wanted to leave me, always loved me, desired a happy marriage...but his ego was more important and the momentary "high" that he got from acting out was no different than a drug addict getting their shot of heroin. The feelings were too powerful to let die. How does one truly ever trust again. Only with God..only with God.