The Valentine’s Day After Syndrome

Ever wonder what happens to couples on the first Valentine’s Day after the discovery of an affair?

She glared at me in disbelief. “What part of I don’t want you to get me anything for Valentine’s don’t you understand?” she asked. I stood there with flowers and card in hand looking at the ground not sure what to do. I knew she had said do nothing, but after the discovery of my affair three months earlier I couldn’t stand not doing something to let her know I appreciated her staying. If I did nothing I was afraid she’d be hurt and bring up all the things I did for my affair partner on Valentine’s last year and remind me how I did nothing for her. I knew she’d take my doing nothing as a sign that I didn’t care. What could I do? I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.

That first Valentine’s Day after an affair presents a dilemma for all individuals recovering from a betrayal. What was once an opportunity to do something special for your mate, a way of saying I love you, is transformed into a burning reminder of what happened. Painful television commercials portraying happy couples reading Hallmark cards remind both parties of what they don’t have. Not many Valentine’s cards are written that express regret for cheating on your partner, and a hurt spouse will find it difficult to find a Valentine’s card expressing how they feel about being betrayed. To make matters worse, even if the unfaithful spouse buys a gift for their mate, there is a good chance their mate won’t receive it in the spirit with which it was intended. Rather that gift serves as an upsetting reminder of what happened or else it’s seen as nothing more than a guilt offering.

Holidays and special occasions such as anniversaries or Valentine’s present a challenge for couples during the first year of reconciliation. Both parties may see their mate’s efforts at putting things back together, but the pain of the betrayal is amplified when special occasions serve to remind them of what they don’t have.

But all is not lost. It is possible to navigate this difficult time, but it’s not business as usual. Here are a few tips for getting through the Valentine’s After Syndrome:

1. Keep low expectations. If you get to the other side of Valentine’s Day and you haven’t had a blow out then it’s a victory.
2. Create new ways of expressing care and appreciation. Old traditions may become painful reminders. New traditions can provide a reminder that maybe there can be something new in the future.
3. Don’t just say it, write it: Due to the pain and upset your mate may be feeling, they may not be able to believe it at that moment, but if you write it out they can go back later and see that maybe what you wrote did mean something.
4. List out 20 things you appreciate about your mate: Whether or not you give it to them, listing 20 things you appreciate about your mate helps you remember what’s good. It’s human nature to be aware of what irritates; we have to be intentional to remember what we appreciate.
5. Take a break for a day: Ask your mate if they would be willing to take a break from recovery for a day. Agree, for one day, to focus on what is going well and avoid thinking about the betrayal. They can begin focusing on the affair the next day.
6. Be sensitive to what your mate wants: Don’t make the occasion about you; rather listen to your mate. You may not know whether you want to move forward in this relationship, but you can at least treat your mate the same way you’d like to be treated.
7. Do something constructive, which contributes to finding a better life: You could take the Affair Analyzer at AffairRecovery.com. Find what steps you can take to begin moving forward.

It’s understandable why Valentine’s Day is difficult, but it can also serve as a small step toward a better life. Whatever you do, find a way to avoid behaviors that continue the cycle of hurt and instead focus on behaviors that help you to move forward. Follow these tips and you both can have a productive Valentine’s Day after.