The answer is, I don’t know. For me, it was a slow fade of unmet expectations, self-deception and immaturity which led to me finally one day say to myself, “I guess this is just the way it’s going to be….”
I stopped fighting and resisting the affair and simply decided to manage it and manage my image, my affair and my two very different lives. I think that moment was a very significant moment where I lost more of myself than I was able to comprehend. The affair and my own personal darkness would only intensify after that moment. Samantha would continue to lose me emotionally and mentally over the next year or so till D Day would come rushing upon us, August 26th, 2005.
I still remember a cold rainy day in Austin, Texas where Samantha and I were in a session with Rick...
There are a few really impacting definitions of what it means to undermine. Take for example Dictionary.com’s: to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth.
Or Miriam Webster’s: to make (someone or something) weaker or less effective usually in a secret or gradual way.
So often in our own personal recovery, we undermine ourselves. We aren’t typically aware of it. We don’t usually see it until someone points it out to us or we actually are ‘present’ or ‘aware’ enough to have a moment of personal clarity or revelation.
I undermine myself and the next day’s productivity when I stay up late at night working, writing or just plain watching TV to escape the pressures of life. I...
Probably close to 30% of the people I talk to say they think their marriage is over. In their limited experience, their spouse is acting as though it’s over. Many are justifiably so filled with hurt and pain they wonder if they can forgive, move on, trust again or ever have a life with their cheating spouse. Some of the unfaithful also wonder if they can spend the rest of their life with a spouse that, in their mind, they’ve never truly connected with.
Before you say it’s over, I’d like to invite you to consider the possibility that perhaps it’s not, and that maybe it’s a chapter that’s over and not your marriage? There are several chapters a marriage in crisis goes through.
The chapter of disclosure. Until the chapter of disclosure is completely written, it’s unlikely...
Suffering or adversity in life is often times treated as though it’s a mistake and shouldn’t happen to us at all. We think it’s not supposed to happen financially or emotionally, and certainly not maritally. Fact is though, what we suffer through in life teaches us an incredible amount about life, reality, God, and ourselves.
My family and I each have a few things we are suffering through. No we’re not homeless, thank God, and no we’re not in the middle of marital crisis like we were nine years ago. But all of us are in the middle of some tough stuff emotionally and physically. I hate that I have to go through it, that Samantha has to go through it and that our kids must face what they are encountering as some of it seems debilitating. I treat adversity like it shouldn’t...
What happens when the betrayed is lonely?
If you’re just joining us, we’re discussing the loneliness of it all and the need for community. Last time we delved into the world of the unfaithful and what happens when they are lonely or isolated in their recovery. This time we’ll discuss the mind of the betrayed and what they typically resort to when loneliness and isolation seem to envelop them.
When the betrayed are lonely and isolated it’s incredibly difficult to not flood emotionally or give way to what appears to be an endless amount of reminders and triggers and intrusive thoughts. Keep in mind, triggers unfortunately are part of the horror of recovery, but will dissipate typically between 9 to 12 months depending on the personality type of the betrayed. Rick has...
What happens when the unfaithful is lonely?
As we discussed last time, loneliness can be one of the most excruciating elements when trying to heal from infidelity. Between the isolation and the silent suffering, the pain of it all is only exacerbated when you’re alone in your life’s deepest pain. It can be dangerous for both spouses in their own ways when you’re alone.
Part of being alone is good as it forces us to process information, wade through emotions and actually hear from God or our conscience. Without this much needed time alone for Samantha and me, I don’t think we would have been able to really find the space and time to decide what we wanted to do. The loneliness provided a backdrop of sanctification and sobriety which although painful, was a necessity...
Wikipedia defines Loneliness as a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship.
Upon disclosure, I’m quick to share that we lost all our friends with the exception of one or two. Samantha had two friends that stayed and I had one. The backdrop of our lives though, was perpetual community. There were people in our house almost every day and night, and we were surrounded by people. I was almost never alone, with the exception of when I traveled on planes or when I drove to meetings.
Poor me I know.
When the affair came out, hundreds of people vanished. Friends we had known for over 10 years were either told to stay away so we could work on our family or that we didn’t want anyone around us in such a tough time (...
I’m a control freak by nature and love to, want to, and at one time, felt like I had to be in charge of most things. Surrendering doesn’t come easy in my life but I’ve learned how to be pretty good at it now, specifically because I’ve come to the end of myself so many times and had to surrender. Upon disclosure of my affair, I wanted to control how Samantha was going to respond and what choices we were going to make. Samantha was used to me being this sort of control freak for the previous 10 years of our marriage. To say I had a messiah complex was a bit of an understatement as I did consider myself a bit of a messiah for our family, our church, and our church members. I wanted to be at the center of almost everything and felt like I was the leader who needed to be involved in most,...
Lately I’ve spoken with many betrayed spouses who are in what feels like a constant state of flux. One minute they think they are headed to pay the retainer for a divorce attorney. The next minute their spouse is saying they want to come home, why can’t we work this out, and let’s put the divorce on hold. The next minute, when the betrayed tries to take some concrete steps towards recovery, the unfaithful spouse resorts to a stall tactic of “Well I need more time” or “Let’s just see how things go over the next few weeks, THEN we’ll see if we need help.”
Stall tactics are what they truly are. What are they stalling for you might ask? They are stalling the betrayed from being in charge, or causing them to have to take any action or put an end to the fun they are feeling. They,...
I was talking to a woman yesterday who’s been betrayed and searching for answers. She’s doing very well and working hard to wrap her mind around the mess of the betrayal. With a strong grasp on theology and a passion for purpose in life, she’s working to make sense out of this in the eyes of God, the eyes of her spouse and what seems like a thousand onlookers at her daughter’s school.
I was sharing with her that this may in fact be the opportunity for transformation. We don’t always get to pick how transformation is packaged in life. Sometimes it’s packaged in an encounter at church or through a weekend retreat or something of those sorts, and yay for that. Other times it’s packaged in a great counseling session or a book which causes you to see things differently.
But...
When my affair became public and the initial dust settled, I wanted to get back to normal, quickly. The problem was nothing in my life was normal. I was terminated from my position within 72 hours. I lost all the friends and associates I had in my vocation, and the only comfort I found was in Christ and in my two kids who were five and four years old. Samantha was furious and completely disoriented. After the first week or so she needed out and took the kids with her and went to another state with a friend of hers for space.
When we had finally relocated, and we began to find new jobs and a new house, I wanted to get back to business as usual. I wanted regularity and normality. Samantha wanted change. She wanted to talk about it and ask questions and I wanted to talk about real...
My years of experience pale in comparison to Rick’s, however I’ve realized several principles while working for him these past years (and living through my own nightmare) and helping couples and individuals heal from the effects of infidelity. The other day Rick and I were talking and I alluded to something that he confirmed. I was discussing the struggle of a particular couple and asking him for some thoughts on it and he shared with me his perspective from close to 30 years, THAT’S 30 YEARS of treating infidelity and compulsive behaviors. He said “Samuel, most people can get over the affair(s): it’s the lying they can’t get over. It’s the continual discovery of new information they can’t get over. It’s the continual relapses they can’t get over.”
In no way is that to...
I’ll never forget one day talking to Rick and I interrupted him and said “But Rick, when are we going to talk about HER??!! What about all the things SHE did wrong too?” (While I’ve been stupid at times in my life, very stupid indeed, I was smart enough to ask this question when I was meeting with Rick alone.)
I felt like I was being hammered on time and time again so I figured it was time to ask that question. I mean, Samantha wasn’t perfect. She was unkind, rude, rejecting, never wanted to have sex, never said anything encouraging about me and what I was doing, so when were we going to talk about her crap?
Rick was patient with me and my stupidity. He simply smirked and said “As soon as you are able to talk about and own all of your own crap first, without being...
“As the truth of the situation slowly began to penetrate, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt so strongly: shock, disbelief, horror, despair, anger, pain, sadness. With a newborn and two small children, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I switched to autopilot to provide just the essentials for my children. I sifted through the options on an hourly basis, separate, divorce, or stay? All the while, the theater in my mind continued playing the details of the affair over and over again. I didn’t sleep, barely ate, and cried constantly. Every time I looked at Samuel, hate would well up in my heart, and I couldn’t stand to be around him. I got on a plane with all three children and fled to a friend’s house.”
Samantha wrote those words several years ago...
Yesterday I was visiting with a woman who is trying to wrap her mind around her husband’s three affairs over 6 years. She knew about one affair but was under the impression it was only an emotional affair, yet has long since come to know that all three were emotional and physical and lasted about three to six months each. She’s devastated. To her own credit as a woman, she’s ‘open’ to seeing if the marriage can be saved. After four kids all under the age of 17, 22 years together and a sea of other concerns, there is a lot to lose. She’s not sure she wants to stay in the marriage, but she’s open to the possibility of it being saved.
To say the rug has been ripped out from underneath her does not even begin to illustrate the overwhelming emotions and fears she’s trying not to...
While the situations are not always that HE is unfaithful, I’ve used the title to illustrate the point that in many cases, one spouse won’t show any remorse and another spouse won’t stop talking about it. While some blog posts I write are an attempt to help you move forward, even incrementally, other blog posts are to help illustrate more about what may be going on in the particular situation you’re facing.
It’s about every day I hear a betrayed spouse say, “He isn’t showing any remorse at all. It’s like he’s just swallowed up in justification or resentment and he’s not showing any sadness over what he’s done whatsoever.” If I interview the unfaithful spouse, more than likely they will say to me “she just won’t stop talking about it. It’s all they want to talk about. Why can’t...
I was visiting with a betrayed spouse yesterday who was sharing some incredibly bad news about her spouse, her marriage and what she figured was the rest of her life. It was one of the most devastating stories I’ve heard in quite a while (and that’s saying something). While all of our stories are devastating at some level, we all have unique situations in our lives which force us to cry out for new life and new, tangible hope. But how do you find new life after the life you thought you were living has been not only upended, but sacrificed on the altar of another spouse’s choices? Or, how do you the unfaithful, find new life after you’ve basically obliterated the life you once had with your spouse and family?
The answer is nowhere near simple, but does exist. I used to think we...
Almost every day I talk to someone who is struggling with infidelity in some way and is trying to make sense out of it. A unifying statement I usually say to them or even hear from them is the fact that “No one can relate and no one seems to understand the pain I’m living with.”
I agree about every time, yet follow it up with a caveat that they need to be surrounded by a fellow hurting and grieving community. The nature of infidelity is shame based and is almost never overcome without community support. Without such, they will feel they are off on an island and no one can relate and no one can empathize, and no one can understand what they have to process what seems like each hour of each day. It’s not about commiserating together, rather it’s about normalizing things and being...
No one likes to be stuck. Not in financial duress, not in health trouble and certainly not in marital crisis. Its one thing to be stuck on a math problem but it’s another to be seemingly paralyzed unable to take action in either direction, simply reacting to your spouse’s behavior. When a spouse, particularly an unfaithful spouse, is exhibiting a behavior that is not only confusing but hurtful and indecisive, it only drives the knife in deeper. Their inability to take action causes more and more pain for everyone around them, none more so than the betrayed spouse. What are you to do? How do you get unstuck? Do you have any options? What can you do to cause change?
The question we have to ask ourselves is, what are we willing to do to cause change in our spouse’s behavior...
As I alluded to in my last post, sometimes a couple ends up addicted to being stuck. Your first inclination might be to say “Samuel, you mean the unfaithful spouse is addicted to being stuck, right?”
Unfortunately, no. In order to be addicted to being stuck, the old saying “It takes two to tango” has never been truer. For a couple to be stuck, both spouses have to be locked in a paradigm that simply isn’t working.
This feeling of being stuck is a common occurrence when neither spouse does anything different than the pattern they have been exhibiting for a considerable amount of time. What’s a considerable amount of time you might ask? I’d say usually anywhere from 6 months to as much as 6 years. The fact is, if you’ve been doing the same thing with the same results, and...
Yesterday I was talking to a betrayed spouse and their question was “How do I know he really wants to be with me?”
My humorous reply was “Well, he’s there with you now, taking the heat isn’t he? He could be with her, but he’s with you, trying to get it right, riiiigggghhhhhht?” She laughed and thought about it for a bit, and we continued our dialogue. It didn’t settle the issue once and for all as many infidelity related issues are not settled once and for all in a mere sentence. However, it did point her down the road to a better understanding of some things the more we talked.
Reality is, for the most part, if the spouse didn’t want to be there, he/she wouldn’t be. Yes, if the affair partner was married and wanted to work on their own marriage, they may have had the...
There are several factors that will sabotage personal as well as marital healing. Unless you’ve been through infidelity, you won’t’ easily identify them and may even encourage a few things which are actually saboteurs in disguise. Unfortunately, therapists can even fall victim to these errors which end up completely undermining the entire process of recovery for both spouses as well as unnecessarily creating yet another wall to have to leap over in recovery.
I liken these saboteurs to another name, roots. Roots are not easily seen and very easily hide beneath the surface. A tree has an insane amount of roots to it, yet we see so few, if any, besides its trunk. The longer I do what I do, the deeper I understand that infidelity is a life changing trauma. It doesn’t mean it can’t...
The older I get, the more life throws at me and the older my kids get, the more I understand that life is filled with pain. Some is intense and at the top of the scale like infidelity, shame, moral failure and the destruction our choices create. Other pain can be smaller like the pain of rejection from a child, or a failed business deal, or the inability to provide the way you’d like to for your family.
I like to deaden my pain. I really do. One of my favorite books I’ve read in the last 10 years is Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. I highly recommend it. Take for example a quote of his:
“People who find some way to deaden their pain never discover their desire for God in all its fullness. They rather live for relief...
Often times, the unfaithful feels stuck: stuck between two people, their spouse and their affair partner.
One is a life of illusion and fantasy and their needs seemingly being met anytime they choose.
One is a life of responsibilities, conflict, unmet needs and you know real life.
It’s not uncommon at all that the betrayed spouse will chase the unfaithful spouse. Whether it’s to woo them or win them the fact remains they are pursuing their spouse. Who wouldn’t? It’s the normal knee jerk reaction and we’re not playing cards here. This is real life with often times decades of marital history involved and what was supposed to be ‘till death do us part.’
Keep in mind, the unfaithful is also being pursued by their affair partner. Many, not all, but many...
This is a tough one. A short blog makes it impossible to be exhaustive, but I’ll be as specific as space and time allows.
Fact is you don’t make anyone have an affair. An unfaithful spouse cheats because of their own inability to face up to their marital situation and perceived dissatisfaction and handle it a better way, the right way.
Yes, my marriage had some vulnerabilities. Samantha admitted she rejected me emotionally and sexually pretty frequently. She also admits that she was disapproving and I was treated like a second or third child depending on what year of marriage we were in. I felt like I was treated like royalty everywhere outside of my home, but inside my home I never could do enough or be enough. I was frustrated. I was selfish and self-absorbed. Yep: I...
To tell or not to tell is a huge question for any couple in recovery. Whether it’s been a few months or a few years, couples always wonder if they will tell anyone, ever, in their life. Some truly want to heal, move on, and never talk about it to anyone ever again. Others want to find a stage and tell the world and see others heal. I understand both positions and have operated within both of them.
For Samantha and I, we’ve been very open with our story. I would write this blog under my real name, but the executive leadership at AR has asked for our names to be kept private for those that are uncomfortable telling anyone their story. I get it.
However, I have found an incredibly equal playing field in life when I share my story or a version of our story with people...
It’s very common. As a betrayed spouse learns of whom the affair partner was, the lights start to come on a bit. If the affair partner was a good friend or best friend of the betrayed spouse, the whole situation becomes a ‘double betrayal’ for the hurt spouse. They’ve now been betrayed by both their spouse and their friend. It really is one of the toughest situations to face within the world of infidelity.
Eventually, the betrayed is faced with raging emotions and a sense of violation. Often times the affair partner will not quit or go away quietly either. It’s at this point that the betrayed many times will start to tear down and trash the affair partner. Don’t get me wrong, they may deserve it, but it’s a no win situation.
In what seems like a knee jerk...
One of my favorite movies since our own D-Day is Cinderella Man with Russell Crowe. It’s a classic tale of a man who loses everything, pushes through the recession and rises again to be a championship fighter. I cry every time and I feel like conquering the world after I watch it. I highly recommend it for both betrayed and unfaithful spouses as a bit of a journey into the world of ‘coming back’ and finding hope and faith again. During a pivotal scene James Braddock, played by Russell Crowe, utters a line I’ve found myself saying over and over again sometimes during tough times…..
“I didn’t always lose…..I won’t always lose again.”
As a business man, I’ve lost a ton of deals and even more money. It hurt like hell every single time. I’ve also had some wonderful years and...
First of all, most affairs are based upon fantasy, and a fantasy is always more alluring than reality, especially when you add about the years spent together, the resentments that have built up, and the responsibilities pulling you in multiple directions to that reality. Add kids, mortgages, mood swings, PMS, menopause, financial pressures and you have a recipe for potential disaster if help is not sought out soon enough. Affairs are based upon another life that is free from the pressures of life and reality. It’s easier (albeit selfish and cowardly) to have an affair than it is to do the work to fix your marriage or yourself.
The grass always looks greener after about 5 or 10 years of marriage, and we don’t make the connection early enough sometimes that if we’ll nourish...
(From the Current Series Nagging Questions)
Quite honestly, I hope you (the unfaithful) will not ever be the same ever again. I hope this would be the change you didn’t even know you were looking for, but have finally found.
I’m also quite sure your spouse is probably hoping you’re never the same again either. They may secretly want to go back to the way life was before the affair, or even before the affair was known, yet reality is that life is gone. We’ve taken from them the illusion that that life was perfect. It wasn’t perfect, because we hid a great secret from them. It doesn’t mean life is now void of meaning or joy though. It can and will one day return again, and the sooner you get serious about recovery, the sooner the joy and new normal will arrive.
...
