My Spouse Won't Stop Doing This

Samuel shares insight on the belief "What a Betrayed Spouse Tolerates they Reinforce".

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Power back

Thank-you for your blogs i have found them so helpful in what i have to describe as a traumatic experience. My partner of 3 years has been unfaithful i found this out 3 months ago now. I left the home we shared..since this time he has constantly been trying to get me back but at the same time wont quite give up the AP. i get constant texts emails from him asking for me to return but then seems to back down, this has been going on and on and is driving me crazy. I really have had enough, and told him that i will no longer tolerate the ambivalence. I have said that if nothing changes in 3 days i will block his mails ect.... and he will not have access to me, i feel i have taken some of the power back.. i think i can now see some movement from him. I feel that putting this boundary in place has given me back some self respect and whatever happens i will cope with it. Many thanks again Dawn from england

wow so glad you're here

hi Dawn from england. so glad you're on the site and found us here. i'm so proud of you for taking the power back and standing up for yourself and your self esteem. it's hard to do: draw a line in the sand. but establishing boundaries is about self love and self esteem while also letting your partner know that you know you have value and that you're not going to damage yourself all in an effort to 'keep the peace' when there isn't any peace if you're suffering continually due to their actions. i know it's hard and i know it hurts like hell often times, but i think you've done the right thing. regardless of the outcome, you can't keep doing the same thing and be shocked there aren't different results. so i'm proud of you and will stand with you for sure. i believe this will start a great journey of even deeper self respect and healing in your own heart. thank you for your kind words. please stay in touch.

love must be tough

Thank you! I find your blogs so helpful and informative. Not always easy to hear but necessary. I want to share that I have done the "no's" you mention by tolerating the ambivalence for too long - First D-day was Jan. 8th, 2017 and most recent one was June 12th, 2017. My fear had such a foothold on me - I was unable to act - really even function. After months of my husband's ambivalence and my own emotional and physical decaying - I made the very difficult decision to leave our home on his birthday (June 22nd) and we remain separated. We maintained contact via text and some face to face meetings during this time; however, he wanted "pretend normal" and it was hurting me. So, after reading Love Must Be Tough - I delivered my letter that said "no more" - I will not tolerate this any longer...no more contact with me while you are involved with another woman. I would rather face life alone than be lied to and I don't need to participate in your ambivalence. It was very hard to do and I know necessary. I admit- I was being a doormat out of fear. Prayer has helped me and I still need more help. I told him to contact me when he is ready and willing to be a faithful husband and we can talk. So far he has not said those words. He has texted me since then - the same small talk, etc. that I was getting before the letter and I have not answered. I don't want to come across as giving him the silent treatment or stonewalling. I am not trying to create a power struggle either. And, everything has been on his terms so far. I am not sure what I am looking for him to do or say but I think it needs to be something different than "good morning" or "do you want to go to breakfast." I know he is unhealthy right now and I don't want to give up on our marriage and I also know i can't be the only one working on it. We have had two failed stints in couples counseling. He is going to individual counseling and I am too. He has refused to do Hope for Healing or EMSO. Any feedback is welcome.

tough...but so proud of you

brandsn, so very proud of you for respecting yourself and not continuing to be codependent in this whole thing.  it's a tough walk for sure.  for him to refuse to do emso or hope for healing, that's always a red flag.  if he still continues to refuse to do them or anything like that, obviously something is wrong and there's a disconnect.   i dont think you're trying to create  a power struggle or what not, you're simply not going to live in pretend normal.  i would not communicate much with him at all.  i wouldn't respond to the text messages and the simple day to day texts stuff..  i would let him get used to life without you and that you're not going to sit idly by while he just lives in his own pretend normal, refusing to help you heal.  that said, if i were you, i would do all i could to heal.  like, harboring hope, immersing yourself in the website, maybe getting some time with a trusted therapist if you feel you need to, or ssomeone in infidelity that can coach you. staying busy and pursuing your own healing is vital in this case.  if he refuses to get any help like this, at least YOU are getting healthy, changing your perspective and doing what you need to do to heal.  it's not about creating leverage per se or anything like that but having boundaries and protecting yourself.  does that make sense?  he may or may not come around.  if he doesn't come around, it's sad, but obvious he is not willing to do what it takes and quite possibly, you're better off without him.  

 

Thank you for your thoughtful

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I think co-dependency is a big problem for both of us. I am working on it - reading books and doing more stuff on my own and making my own decisions. It's tough b/c he was my confidant for 28 years. So I am learning how to trust my own voice. Not easy and I am trying. IYou mention an infidelity coach or mentor - I would love to have one. How do I get one? I am doing Harboring Hope and I really believe that is a big missing piece in that class. The class is rich with information and it would be more helpful with an assigned mentor to talk to throughout the class - like an alumni who is further along. Our group leader is wonderful but she can not be a mentor to everyone in the group. I am utilizing the website daily and follow your blogs! I am losing hope that he is going to do what it takes - and I am very sad to say that. I continue to pray for his healing and the healing of his AP. I so appreciate your reply - I know you are very busy! All God's Blessings to you.

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