Why Spouse's Say, "It's Never Enough for You" - Part 1

Samuel shares insight into a phrase couples in recovery use often when they are frustrated: "It's never enough for you."

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Perfect - Direct - Gentle

OMG - this is my everyday experience for 20 months (even before)! Dysfunction at its finest!
Thank you...thank you...thank you for sharing this specific perspective - with a direct, gentle, kind heart as you always do.

you're very welcome...

thanks so much for your comments and kindness. happy to help in any way I can. take care.

Never Enough

Thank you for presenting this topic! I am the betrayed and even though my husband is kind? and trying he ignores what I really have wanted which is truth, transparency and for him to stop running away from discussions about the affair...so I persist and initiate and right off the bat I am not happy!!. He says it's never enough for me and I realize he is right....it isn't what I need in order to heal so it is not enough for me. No matter what he does I am not willing to brush everything under the carpet because he feels ashamed or whatever he's feeling. He trickled truthed for 16 months and since he did not reveal unless I found out, no trust is left in me for anything he says including that he loves ME. His gestures are received as manipulation and control so I can take him back with minimum distress for him. In my heart, his comfort is still more important than my pain. So, after 19 months of separation I am considering moving on because of this. He hasn't "heard" me just like before the affair.....didn't want discussions about the marriage, didn't participate in marital counseling, too much effort so he chose to start a relationship elsewhere. He feels he is making tremendous progress but I see the same patterns that will eventually lead us to divorce anyway. I feel so sad to see that even this devastating incident has not opened his eyes to the fact that he lost me when he had the affair and that too little too late will not endear him to me. I don"t need kisses and dinners, flowers and I love you's......this might have helped before his affair. Now, it is hollow and sad to me because of the deep wounds he has inflicted on me. I long for the day when what he does is enough for me and I truly heal or the day I have moved on and have healed alone. Limbo is a lonely and scary place to be.


amelia, i'm truly sorry. you're right, limbo sucks big time and hurts like hell. the pain is bad enough, now to add the ambivalence, it only exacerbates the pain and hurt deep down inside. when you say he's made tremendous progress though, what does that refer to? do you think he would finally do something like the ems weekend? if he's making progress, maybe now is the time to go deeper and get expert help? if not, and he won't, well, unfortunately there is your answer. he's just not safe at all and it's a dice roll at best, that he won't return to his old ways, habits and acting out. so glad you're on the site. thank you for posting.

Still an ass after two years!

Hi. We are two years in and I am the unfaithful. It’s been up and down but more up than down which is good. Today was a down day. I will spare you the details but it culminated in me stomping around the flat, rattling door handles loudly and eventually leaving the flat in a flurry of anger, slamming doors behind me. My wife had no idea where I had gone or whether to expect me back. Actually, I had driven to a local car accessories store to purchase a few essentials for my wife’s recently serviced car (you see I am a good man at heart). While out I also bought a cheap and completely inappropriate card from a bargain store and decided to go for coffee and write the card to my wife explaining what had happened and apologising for my behaviour. On arriving home I gave my wife the card telling her it was VERY important (of course it was – I wrote it) and that she HAD to read it. I retired to the bathroom for a well earned bubble bath after fifty minutes of writing and making sure everything was back to ‘pretend normal’ again. As I lay soaking and relaxing in my luxurious bubble bath this blog could be heard playing rather loudly in the background and I listened intently. We listened together a second time and I made notes throughout. I then read my card to my wife using the notes taken to highlight the BS there in. The writing was full of frustration, my inadequacies, my loss of control and, of course, all about me. In three pages I mentioned my wife’s needs twice! Oh how we laughed together at yet another realisation of what a complete ass I really am! It seems quite uncanny how often your blogs tie in neatly with exactly what is required for us on our long journey of recovery. Thank you for this and the many other blogs from which we have taken so much.


you're kind my friend. what a great story. thank you for posting and your gracious words about the blogs. i do my best, but also worry sometimes that they are hitting home the way i'd like them to. thank you so much for posting and complimenting. carry on my friend. it's a new day. one day at a time for sure.

Samuel, my wife and I both

Samuel, my wife and I both watched this series of yours several months ago. I thought I understood it back then, but I am really getting so much more insight out of it today. I am the betrayed, and we are 13 months out from D-Day of this affair (there was another one 17 years back), 8 Months from last acting out with him, and 3 weeks from complete and total disclosure. This is a dynamic that I see every single day in our relationship and recovery. I truly believe that I understand to my core what you are trying to convey - I hope that I am not wrong here. I am also going to REALLY take a look at myself on your next one in the series about how/why I am doing this to her.
This interaction has really kept us stuck, and I think is really the final impediment to real healing and an amazing future together. Thank you so much for your vlogs. I wish I felt secure enough to tell all of my friends and loved ones that are married about them. I think your very hard earned wisdom via painful experience would be SO valuable to any couple out there. Thank you.

thank you so much ironsides

what a way to start my day ironsides.  thank you so much for that.  means a ton.  i'm so glad you're watching and it's helping you heal and gain new momentum. 


Suggestions please.

18 months of this mentality and I am finding myself more and more ambivilant. My husband and I did marriage counseling but he refused to participate if I talked about the damage he did. We did EMSO and I was all in, but week after week he would do the homework an hour before our session. We looked at the travel plan two weeks ago, and I couldn't tell you ANY of the things on that list for my husband. I am married to a stranger who I have to beg for sex after 14 years of cheating. I want to salvage our marriage, but I can't drum up any desire to because why?! After a nasty verbal onslaught aimed at me (I refuse to participate) 6 weeks ago, he got busy with a personal counselor, 12 step sponsor, etc. I am seeing changes, so I'm trying desperately to hang on. I realize he is just starting and want to give him the grace to grow. Can you suggest things I can do to make room? Currently I see a personal counselor 2 times a week, am trying to grow a business, homeschool, do AA meetings, and meet with a girlfriend once a week who is in a similar circumstance. He picks up on my ambivalence and turns it into self pity. I want to be supportive but I'm not allowed to have any feelings about this or this entire video.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas