Why Spouse's Say, "It's Never Enough for You" - Part 2

Samuel continues his insight with thoughts on why betrayed spouses may say, "It's never enough for you".

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22 months post D-Day and when

22 months post D-Day and when I watched Part 1 of this series, I was relieved because my husband, who had been unfaithful, has never said "it's never enough for you". Guess what? A day or two later, he said it and I became ao angry I laughed in his face. I knew from watching Part 1 that he said it more out of his own shame and frustration, yet it still stung and took me a day or two to calm down about it.

oh man...

hope2405 wow....i'm sorry it blew up like that, but so glad you realized where it was coming from more than looking at yourself. it's a tough road, this recovery but there is a way through.

But I was not enough

When I say this to my unfaithful husband it is because I feel like if I would have been "enough" for him the affairs would not have happened. I have come to realize they generally it comes for a place of panic, uncertainty, and because until I discovered his affairs I truly thought he loved me to much to ever risk loosing me. So I constantly question how I can be enough now if I was not enough then.

I'M never enough

As a betrayed, I believe I've only said this once or twice, but with a slightly different twist. When my spouse has continued to surreptitiously but *repeatedly* glanced and glanced and glanced at certain younger, attractive women while in my presence, all while knowing full well how hurt and enraged this has made me (post-discovery of porn use and an inappropriate relationship with a work colleague, spanning YEARS), I have made myself vulnerable and dared to share (while in one of several fights over this hurtful behavior but with ME not yelling) it this way - "When you do that, that makes me feel like I'M not enough for you." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't feel THAT way of saying it is "bad" or unhealthy.

Unfortunately for me though, that kind of heart-felt vulnerable sharing was "never enough" either to stave off the enraged attacks, stonewalling, threats of divorce or separation, and verbal abuse that I received afterwards, every single time. What I also got was flat-out DENIAL and GAS-LIGHTING of what I had clearly and repeatedly witnessed with my own eyes. And projected blaming (of me), rife with accusations of me just wanting to pick a fight, when in reality, I had been desperately trying to resolve at least this one issue for good, so I could feel SAFER.

My spouse is SO far away from any sense of self-awareness it's not funny, and refuses to watch these vlogs of his own volition. Talk about things feeling HOPELESS, and having utterly shattered self-esteem. No matter what expert method I use to try and mend things, or to heal myself, "it's never enough."

oh my gosh, again!! I can

oh my gosh, again!! I can relate totally to you, completely! I have argued with my husband about not staring, texting, touching and acting like he was everyone's uncle! His words, I'm like their uncle.. and he is not! How many times I argued this. Or staring at me like I was a piece of meat and how it made everyone think he was so enamored of me! He never respected my wishes. Giving gifts! being to friendly! one time, and one time only, that I can remember I got upset and told him it was triggering me! He apologized and I couldn't let it go. One time I had to tell him being with prostitutes and other women was not allowed.. assuming he just didn't know lol! and he was so shocked and said he would tell the therapist. Flat denial and Gas-lighting is rampant! I generally don't fall apart with that anymore and I don't see him much anymore. When he moved out, it did allow me to heal from the trama a good deal and the TMS treatment seems to be helpful. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I think what we say is basically useless. Not sure how to make it relevant for them until they can hear it and I don't know what makes that possible.