What is Grieving and How Does it Help? Part 1

This week Samuel starts a mini series on the topic of grieving in recovery.

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D Day 3/2014. Affair ended 12/2015. We actually separated for about 3 months. We got back together with the plan to reconcile in Feb/2016. Just found out last week my husband had started talking on the phone to the OW again. He says it was just a way for him to get "closure". Said he had feelings for her and it had been harder to let go. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't believe anything he says. I am so incredibly hurt and angry. I'm concodering divorce as the only option. Is this common. Am I foolish to think he would just stop contacting her?

it's a tough call...

Adriana, i'm so glad you reached out. it's a good question. the truth is, and you may not like it, but it's not 'unbelievable' that he would reach out for some sort of closure and that truly nothing did happen. early on i wanted to do the same, but, didn't as i knew it would devastate samantha. that's NOT to say he's a worthless husband and should have known that. it's that he may not have the tools to resist and in a weak moment decided to reach out. ive seen it happen a ton of times to be honest. now, if he's lying, and there's more info coming, then i think he's relapsed and is in a downward spiral and falling fast. i would distance myself if there's more info. you're not stupid to give him a chance. if i'm seeing the dates right, it's also about a year anniversary since the affair ended and he may have been struggling with missing her and being depressed etc he may have reached out. that doesn't mean there's more. not at all. there does mean he's got some deeper issues that need to be addressed though. i'd insist on a lie detector. i'd insist on all his passwords, phone records etc to make sure you know exactly all that has gone on and that you're up to speed on just what exactly has happened. if he's just had this week moment and that's all, i know it sucks, but it's normal and this is a time to ramp up any and all your recovery work as it will send a deep message to your husband that he's not strong enough to fight this on his own. it does happen where there is a relapse of this sort, it wakes them up and then they begin to gain ground like never before. that's the truth. but, if there is a landslide of more info coming, you're in trouble and i would distance myself for sure. have you thought about the ems weekend on the site? or hope for healing for him? im' here to help. i'm glad you reached out and didn't suffer alone. you can also email at overcominginfidelity2016@gmail.com

Thank you

It seems as though every time I am about to through in the towel, quit or give in or up, you throw me a life raft that says no what you are feeling is normal, keep the faith, hang in there it will get better. For the last couple of weeks, I have felt the sting of grief, I call it and it wakes me up and I start the whole mental process over again. You see for me I have yet to have a D-day, everything has been either coincidental or denial. So I know but I don't know or I am not suppose to know. This secret affair has been off and on for almost 7 years and no matter how much or often I confront him, I'm called a liar, or I am imagining things. So I have to go through the recovery process alone. I've endured manipulation, deceit, and re-traumatization and when it's time to grieve the loss the pains go deeper and it takes me while to come out of it. However, the positive side is that when the grieving process stops I feel better, I feel the growth and positive, but it's not long before he has pulled me back into his ol' web of deceit that I feel it again. So again thank you for the life raft.

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