A Crossroads

Not too long ago, Samantha and I were having an incredibly difficult time. If you're on this site, and have gone through this nightmare which necessitates recovery, when I say an incredibly difficult time,' I know you know what I mean. I felt like I just couldn't win and couldn't gain any ground. To say I was frustrated is a severe understatement.

Looking back, what I truly was feeling was hopelessness. Walking out your recovery from infidelity (or your spouse's infidelity) can seem impossible. It can also seem as though nothing you do works, no action taken produces any fruit, and no matter what road you take it just never goes the way you want it to go. It's a toxic combination of anger, bitterness and frustration and it can lead you to a place of "Why even try???"

I had hit a crossroads. I'll never forget sitting at the stoplight by our home at a major intersection. I had no desire to go home at all. Sure my three kids were home and I love them to death. But somehow in my mind, at this juncture, they were not going to be better off by me going home. Somehow I had come to the place of sheer and utter hopelessness that things were ever going to get better and I was ready to take matters into my own hands. I was in the outside traffic lane, with no music on, and only the sound of my blinker and what seemed like my life ticking away with no meaning, purpose or substance.

I wanted to peel off, and go to a bar and a hotel with no call to Samantha at all. I wanted her to feel the pain and inconvenience, and the message my absence was going to send to her. I wanted to teach Samantha a lesson and leave and say to her, "You drove me away and it's never enough with you!"

I'll never forget that moment. It was a defining moment for me in my recovery. I would have felt justified and I would have seemed right in many people's eyes but I'm terrified to think of what would have happened next, should I have went a different way. It's been said, love isn't love until we have the opportunity to do the alternative, and choose not to.

I went home that night. It wasn't perfect, and it wasn't glorious. But it was home. It was the right thing to do, and it was love, even when I didn't want to do it and had zero feelings to support the decision to go home. I had to face the music of my own doing, regardless of how happy I was with Samantha's efforts to reciprocate or not reciprocate.

You too may be at a crossroads, and although I am not the least bit the standard of what to do or not to do, I hope you'll at least pause before you make your next choice. I hope you'll hear the blinker of options that are probably louder than you'd like them to be right now and before you make a choice, think about the consequences of your actions. Think about how things will play out after the choice you make. What is the loving response you need to make, even if you feel nothing? Before you change lanes my friend, remember where that road will take you.

I'm happy to say, by the grace of God, I've been going home ever since.

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Crossroads....

This entry is right on with what I am facing with my husband.  I am the betrayed spouse who is now living and trying to heal on my own because my husband recently “changed lanes”. 

We are 15 months from D-day and in the beginning, I was the one who truly felt hopeless that recovery from this was ever possible.   It was my husband that kept saying “we can make it” that kept me going day to day for the first year.   However, around the one year mark, the tables turned and my husband started to change.  His hope was quickly replaced with enormous feelings of shame and guilt.   When I read this blog, I could only imagine the moment my husband was sitting at the intersection, listening to the blinker ticking his life away with no meaning or purpose, with no desire to come home.   Unfortunately, he made the choice to take the opposite road and moved out a couple of months ago.

He repeatedly told me how we are “better off without him” and how I would be “so much happier with someone else that hadn’t been unfaithful to me”.  His is lost in his life and full of shame for his affair and for his recent relapses into behaviors that allowed him to have an affair in the first place.  Admittedly, I haven’t been perfect in my recovery and when the pain surfaced, I would sometimes throw the affair in his face, yelled, screamed, and cried.  I’m sure that just added to his guilt and shame and was a part in his decision to leave.   Even though it wasn’t said out loud, I can hear him saying what you wrote:   “You drove me away and it’s never enough with you!”

His decision to take a different road on his own has rocked me once again - but I’m stronger than I was a year ago and now I am the one that has hope.  I’m the one saying “we can make it” if we just keep trying.  I hold on to hope that he remembers the road back home. 

Congratulations to Samuel for

Congratulations to Samuel for doing the right thing. See everyone? Betrayers CAN learn, repent and are NOT evil for life!!! Mary, I congratulate you also for seeing what's happening to your husband. I wish I had words of counsel. However, I found this post interesting...I am the stupid fool who selfishly betrayed my husband. He discovered it several years after it ended, but the pain and shock for him was as new as if he had caught me in the act. I knew I had been wrong and felt so guilty, which is why I tried to hide it, but he is clever and was able to infiltrate some long erased computer files to confirm. He was terribly angry, including physical harm, terrible verbal abuse for months, he told my friends and family, etc. Everytime he asked me a question, I'd answer truthfully, but then he'd get very angry again - now I live in fear of his famous questions. He did not deserve my infidelity and he insists on understanding what he did to push me in that direction (but he was not the problem, it's my own self image that is the problem). So, much of the problem was mine, but he can't seem to grasp that concept. I was needy and felt empowered by the attraction that utlimately lead me down that pathway. But now, after all the intentionally cruel and hurtful things that my husband did to me over time has just carved a hole in my heart. I never know if he's going to be mad, sad, depressed or very affectionate. The stress is killing me and completely pushing me away. This site if filled with people suffering because of infidel spouses. I read their pain and hatred and feel worse and worse about myself. I do think that my husband would be happier if I just left because he is so far away from forgiveness - if I was out of his life, maybe the festering unforgiveness would not be so apparent and he'd not have the famous triggers that everyone discusses. I hope that time will heal my wounds, too, but I already forgive him. (Of course, I feel selfish mentioning my hurt - the infidels don't deserve anything.) So much hatred on this site - it's killing the people who are trying to mend. I hope, Mary, that you can help your husband. Thanks, Samuel, for sharing.

It isn't hatred, it is pain.

It isn't hatred, it is pain.

SO TRUE!!!!

I had times of intense hatred for my wife's AP, but deep down its really the pain screaming at me 24/7. As I've said to my wife so many times, I'd give everything I've got just to have the pain go away.

Praying for you

I have been on this site for 7 months, and have yet to come across any hatred. My heart breaks that you have felt that in addition to your pain. This site is full of help for both spouses, and I hope you will reach out for that. Don't stay anonymous! Your husband's retaliation is not God's best for either of you, just as your affair was not. You both need guidance (as do the rest of us on this painful path). I pray right now that you and your husband reach out for help and can begin to rebuild your marriage. It takes a LOT of hard work by both spouses. You are not evil, and God loves you and wants your marriage to be reborn. There is always hope if you are both willing to do the work. Reach out today. God bless you! :)

Not Hatred

I don't believe what you are reading is hatred. There is raw emotions on this site of people who are hurting. My husband was unfaithful. I don't hate him, I'm trying to understand, trying to find answers, anything that will help us heal from this devistating time in our lives. If hatred were the platform for this site no one would be served. No, I think that what you see is how you are feeling. I am glad you found this site. Please take the time to read through all the posts. The information presented here is the best I have found.

Hatred?

I don't believe what you are reading is hatred. There is raw emotions on this site of people who are hurting. My husband was unfaithful. I don't hate him, I'm trying to understand, trying to find answers, anything that will help us heal from this devistating time in our lives. If hatred were the platform for this site no one would be served. No, I think that what you see is how you are feeling. I am glad you found this site. Please take the time to read through all the posts. The  is the information presented here is the best I have found.

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