It's Not About You

Francis Schaeffer wrote, “We do not want to deny ourselves. Actually we do everything we can…to put ourselves at the center of the universe. This is where we naturally want to live.”

If there was one struggle, one colossal mistake, among the myriad of smaller ones that helped lead to my affair, it was that of outright self-absorption. Somewhere along the line, life became about me and what I wanted and needed and deserved. So when my wife Samantha was having babies, and spending up to 6 months in bed during her pregnancies, vomiting more times in a day than I care to describe, my needs were sent to the back of the bus.

For a few weeks I was able to grin and bear it. Sort of put a face on it of sacrifice and humility, and look at how good of a dad and husband I’m being.

But as they say, what’s really going on inside you comes out when you’re squeezed: my self-absorption couldn’t be caged any longer.

When the other woman appeared, and not only appeared, but melted at my existence, and had only wonderful, admiring things to say about me, and wanted to be with me emotionally and sexually every day, my world began to pick up speed and actually shrink. It had become all about me and I began to buy into the illusion that I needed to be happy and I needed to no longer deny myself, but simply take part of what was being offered to me in honor, affection and outright adoration by this attractive and flirtatious woman. After all, I was at the center of my universe and couldn’t see anything but how I was affected by everyone else’s actions. I did what many caught in affairs do, and accepted the fact that Samantha was a great mom, but a terrible wife.

Perhaps I had married the wrong person. Perhaps the affair partner and I were meant to be together instead of my wife and I. Maybe this was all a sign and I needed to take action.

I was seduced by the illusion of it all and gave way to one of the most powerful addictions in existence: “self-addiction.”

It was all about me. What I wanted. What I needed. What I deserved. What I was feeling. The pre-imminence of what I deserved as a hard working, married man who had needs and desires that were going unnoticed.

How wrong I was and how deceived I had become. It’s truly sad to think of how much of a self-absorbed wrecking ball I was for anyone and everyone in my life.

If you’re trying to heal today, one of the best things you can do is remind yourself each day that this is NOT just about YOU. As long as you are addicted to yourself, and your focus is on yourself, your mate will never find the healing that they need. I promise you, YOU will also never find the true, internal and life changing healing that is available for you.

My own recovery never really took off till I put my focus on Samantha and her recovery first. Then, almost seamlessly, my recovery began to flourish and life made so much more sense, even in the midst of great pain and anguish.

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This explains a lot about my husband

My husband to date talks about loving me. The same way he talked while cheating on me. I can now understand that " his self-addiction" is the problem. He took satisfaction from everywhere. He used me, used the affair partner. He said that he will do ALL he can no matter what to make mw happy but he refuses to unlock his devises and release passwords. He looks pained but does not want in anyway to be reminded of his infidelity. I find him a bit cold and he seems to find his own company better. He has started his old habits of late nights without even the courtesy of informing me. I leave him to God to judge. He is definitely still self absorbed and refuses to hear or talk to anyone. Thanks Sam!

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