To Dream Again

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"Wondering if I will come to a happy place in surrender to self-care. Surrender to me. Myself. And I. Self-talk, positive affirmations of my worth. It's my time now. My season of me. I've given and given and given. No time for guilt over self-care anymore. Over rediscovering who I was…who I am apart from my spouse. I really am still me. How wonderful that she, the little girl inside, has not been extinguished?

Even through the incredible trauma of discovery, lies and deception—I am still inside. Inside my heart I am still that young girl who loved the outdoors, the simple joy of natural surroundings ...and just being.

I want to just be. I long to just be me.

Before my time is up." – A Betrayed Wife

What is this inner child work of which they speak? For those who have committed wrongs against self and others, it is a part of recovery. One must learn to forgive and re-parent the little child inside whose lens was distorted and learned to handle life's pressures through harmful escape.

What about those of us who have been abused and neglected¬—we who have lost our footing because of our spouse's choices? How do we nurture compassion and empathy for the child we once were? It has been said in many 12-step ‘anon' programs–for recovering friends and family of another's addiction-laced actions–that it is to ourselves that are owed amends. Many of us have sacrificed the hopes, dreams, and joys of that little inner child with the best of intentions for our spouse and family. In turn, we have neglected the tender heart of our inner child.

The cliché "no good deed goes unpunished," comes to mind. Yes, we have done many good deeds—probably more than most. And yet we drew the short straw when it comes to having a faithful marriage. We will never be able to say we had all the things those greeting cards in the stores tout on anniversary cards. Through no doing of our own, that precious day of remembrance of white lace and promises has been tainted.

Yet, that inner child needs to be embraced and loved—the one who dreamed of a 50th wedding anniversary, grandchildren on our knee, and celebrating a life of honesty, respect, and love. What were his or her dreams and joys? What simple pleasures made him or her smile?

  • Lying on the carpet face to face with puppy breath, needle teeth, and a squirming bundle of love.
  • Strolling along a necklace of foam at the crest of a wave as it reaches up the beach and then slides back into the sea—looking for a glint of shiny shell to capture in hand as treasured remembrance.
  • Wiping away the milk moustache after a crunchy Oreo experience.
  • Running just a little bit ahead toward the front door of the next neighbor's house on a cool and dark Halloween night; pillow case in hand awaiting to be ‘fed' when the door opens.
  • Trading your latest treasure from a collection of rocks, marbles, stamps, or trading cards with a best friend.
  • Pumping the pedals of your bike, heart racing, with wind tossed hair.
  • Taking a juicy bite of summer's first slice of watermelon.
  • Trying to fall asleep in anticipation of Santa's drop down the chimney.
  • Running in from playing outside to sit down to dinner surrounded by family.
  • Gazing at the moon and trying to see the man's face wondering how Swiss cheese could form such an image.
  • Being tucked in and kissed on the forehead, "Goodnight."

Find them. Don't give up. There are still so many simple pleasures awaiting your notice. Mindfulness is not just a tool to achieve a state of meditation, it is the crystal clear lens of reality that allows you to really see all the amazing wonders all around you: see, taste, feel, hear, and smell the breadth of life.

Find that little person inside and promise to never let him or her go. Never again sacrifice so much that you can't look up at the clouds and dream.

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Cards

Your card comment really hit home. A few weeks ago I went to buy my UH a birthday card. I had the most difficult time finding one that fit the current state of our marriage after his betrayal last year. I still love him with all my heart, but our marriage before DDay has been tainted. My typical loving card about how thankful I am for a man who is dedicated and honors me just won’t work anymore. I wept deeply in the card aisle for what we have lost after 29 years of marriage.

I'm sorry we have lost the

I'm sorry we have lost the joy in celebrating a spouse who did not live up to our dream. It hurts. :(

Thank you

Just beautiful. Beautifully written, beautiful sentiment. Heading out to snowshoe right now in the wondrous Maine woods with my repentant husband and little dog. Will take it all in and remember my little girl.

Makes my heart jump in

Makes my heart jump in celebration for you. Enjoy!

Cards and friend

I struggle with this, too. The card aisle is a trigger for me now. All of the reminders of occasions that won’t happen. I believe that I was able to let go of my UH’s first physical affair 27+ years ago. He became better at hiding his lies and addictions for so many years going forward to now. This journey to forgiveness now seems so much more difficult because of being left in the dark thinking that I had a decent marriage relationship with my husband. Getting healing and healthy for myself, let alone for our relationship, is daunting. Finding my ability to once again dream and believe that there is a wonderful big world out there? Wow, it’s making me take a deep breath and realize that I have more work to do getting to this place of dreaming again and wanting more for my future life. Thank you for keeping me in on this possibility going forward. To dream again. . .

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