Approaching Your Spouse's Affair Partner

When I first discovered my husband Wayne’s infidelities the first question I asked was “Why?” Why did he do this? Was it something lacking in me? What did they have that I didn’t? Why did he choose them over me? These torturous questions ran through my mind like a CD in the ‘repeat’ mode.

The friend who had been with me when I broke into Wayne’s email and discovered his secret life begged me to call the girl with whom he had been having an emotional affair. She thought that if we talked to his affair partner we would get the real story, or maybe even tell her that he was married and beg her to leave him alone. Had she been the only one with whom he had been unfaithful, I may have been tempted to think that my problem was with her. But during the week that followed my discovery, Wayne confessed that there were many people with whom he had been involved, most of them were people whose names he had never known. Even if it had been possible to wade through the countless numbers of people that he had been with, what good would that have done me? They did not betray me. He did. My pain was caused by his choices. My heart was wounded by his actions, not theirs.

During those early days following discovery I felt that my heart was already full of grief over Wayne and our broken relationship, so there wasn’t any room for other random people to emotionally move in and take up residency. On top of that, I didn’t have any energy to spare on them either. My feelings were completely spent on him. So, out of a need to preserve my sanity and protect my heart I chose to forgive them all at once. After that, approaching them became a non-issue for me because I simply had no desire to.

I have talked to several women who felt the way my friend had, and chose to approach their spouse’s affair partner. While I am sure there are exceptions to every rule, I have never talked to anyone who was glad that they had. In fact, they told me that it just caused them more pain.

That season in my life was hard enough as it was. Carrying around the heavy burden of his affair partners would have only made it that much harder. I am so grateful that I dropped them at the starting gate, thus freeing me to press in on my journey toward healing my heart and my marriage without their heavy weight pulling me down.

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I get it

I so understand and appreciate your blogs.  So many times I've been tempted to facebook the girl he had the affair with.  Just to ask more questions.  to get answers that would maybe be more honest.  But the more I thought about it the more I realized I was not going to really want to hear the answers.  What if I asked her if he told her he loved her?  And she said yes.   What would I do with that information?  Did I really want the answers to heal?  Did I really think it would make a difference?  Yes.  I believe that by persuing HER, and sitting with HER I would get some closure.

But now - although it still comes to mind - I'm glad I didn't.  I'm trying really, really hard to put that part of my life behind me.  Because if I can't let it go, and can't escape the "what if's" I will never be able to move forward in saving my marriage.

Your blog has become part of my healing process and I appreciate every word.

I actually confronted my

I actually confronted my wife's affair partner after digging up all the information I could about him. When I did confront him, I discovered him to be a sniveling coward. When I saw how weak and immoral he really was, any desire to bring harm to him left me. I actually found myself laughing at him.

I confronted

I too felt that overwhelming desire to confront the AP. I found out about my husbands affairs (2) and decided to confront the women prior to confronting him. I spoke in person to his AP of 6 months, who was also a friend of mine and someone who was going through a divorce after being betrayed by her own husband. She was extremely apologetic, crying, and remorseful. She admitted everything from how it started to how it escalated to sex, to how they both talked about regretting it. Yet, they still remained to talk(text) and flirt with each other daily, even though they never had sex again after that one time. Since I had done quite a bit of digging once I found out about my husbands affairs, I knew that what she was saying was true. I had proof through his texts. This allowed some bit of closure for me. I guess because I finally had confirmation, and after talking to her, she no longer seemed like a threat to my marriage. On the other hand, I tried to confront the other AP but couldn't get her to talk to me. So once my husband finally came clean, I did talk to this woman through text. (She wouldn't talk to me any other way) The problem is that my husband has been talking to this woman since before we were married. They were childhood friends. It was so overwhelmingly unsatisfying when I spoke with her. This woman was very catty and basically told me to mind my own business and focus on my marriage and not her. Even though she was one of the reasons my marriage was crumbling. My husband claimed they were just friends, but his texts to her revealed different. It was an emotional affair which has done more damage to my heart than the sexual affair. So in the end, I don't know if it is better to confront or not. Just be prepared to walk away from the conversation completely unsatisfied and possibly more angry than you were before. My husband and I are in therapy now and trying to work through the ups and downs but it is the most difficult process I have ever gone through.

affair partner

I do not want to confront my wife's affair partner.  I have no ill will toward him.  He just took what she offered him for several years.  I do, however, want to know who he was.  I want to see what he looked and looks like.  My wife won't tell me his name or where he worked.  I can't possibly know him, as he lived 500 miles away during their affair.  She would spend 4-day weekends with him every 6-8 weeks for several years.  My wife won't tell me his name and won't even tell me why she won't tell me his name.  It seems she is giving him more respect and loyalty than she is giving me.  It seems like whe is holding on to this and keeping him secret is more important than my feelings or our marriage.  I have forgiven her for the affair, but I can't get over her refusal to tell me his name.  She has said she is never going to tell me and refuses to talk about it any more.  I think some day each of us will have to decide if this issue is worth divorcing over. 

Did your wife ever tell you?!?

Hi I am going through a similar situation with my husband. He has admitted to having sex with another woman 3 1/2 years ago but says he doesn't know who she is. That she was a customer at his shop and never saw her again. I feel strongly that he is lying and I feel like the mystery of it all and her identity not being disclosed to me will make it impossible for me to recover. Wondering if I should just walk away? Did your wife ever tell you?!?

Facing the affair partner

My husband's affair partner showed up at MY front door the day he decided to break it off with her. The first day she showed up he dealt with her-explaining that he was ending the relationship and coming home to fix our lives. She showed up again the NEXT DAY and then I dealt with her. It ended up being very cathartic on my part-letting her know that I was the victim in this situation- not her- as she willingly involved herself with a married man and this was the price she had to pay. We talked for over an hour without him present and then he joined us at my request. She is a very ignorant girl who really thought I was going to indulge her idea that I should basically give up my marriage so she could have my husband and be happy in her life...OMG I faced the ugly fear of looking my nemesis in the face and realizing that she was nothing but a mirror of my husband's insecurity and low self esteem. I did not lower myself to her level but listened to her ridiculous justifications and excuses for the affair and then encouraged her to get some medication, some help, a real life and an available man-preferably unmarried. Have to admit I did get some evil pleasure in informing her about the 2 STD's my husband passed along to her. Bad I know. lord help me.

YES

"she was nothing but a mirror of my husband's insecurity and low self esteem"

My husband and i are still in the process of him trying to come to terms with the fact that his emotional affair actually was (is) and affair. We are in counseling and he started our last session announcing that he has decided that what he did WASN'T an affair (flirtatious texting, secret dinner, movie, lunch, numerous deleted texts, texts that fantasize about 'if' they could be together then....). He admits that they are friends and that he did not establish good boundaries, but that he was hurting deeply in our marriage and looking for emotional support that he wasn't getting from me. I think this quote PERFECTLY summarizes the idea of an emotional affair. She is a very different person from me. Things got to a point where they realized they had crossed a line and tried to reign themselves in. But even then, he was turning to her for advice on how to act towards me. She would give him advice based off of her own preferences and his actions would backfire. He sees NO connection that he was looking for something different from me because he was hurting, and different is exactly what he got. So, of course she couldn't give him advice about me. I look at things completely different from her. So, she can only mirror back the negativity he was experiencing, because what he was seeking-looking away from his marriage for fulfillment- was a negative thing. Sigh. We have so far to go, but I'm grateful for a level head and a counselor who sees exactly how troubled this is.

Protecting our family

I contacted several of my husbands AP's (he had 3 affairs in various stages running at the sometime and had several others that hadn't moved to where he wanted them to be). A busy man No. As well as a wife and 6 children. I am so glad I did this. He had lied to them as much as he had to me. They realised they were puppets on a string dancing to his merry tune of sexual addiction. I don't think it will change them but it made them realise the extent of their own self deception and immoral conduct. I did this as part of protecting my family. I have made sure that they hate him. As a narcissist this has left him feeling vulnerable because now they know what he really is and capable of. All these women are like him emotional wrecks who destroyed their own lives and have either been divorced several times or can't keep a normal relationship. I knew 2 of them and 1 quite well. The one AP he really connected with and had strung her along with "Yes I will leave my wife and 3million should be enough of a settlement for her." Destroyed her own marriage and relationship with her 2 children in their teens. And now realises what a fool she's been. There is no Gold Mine as she thought. He is a Sex Addict and exposed her to STD's and lied to her. It's so funny to see them feel like they are the victims when they knew he was married but accepted being treated with disrespect and disdain. And being at his beck and call and all for what. Turning themselves into cheap prostitutes. I feel sorry for them, they have their reward. My husband is working to overcome his addictions. By himself, he doesn't believe he needs help. But he is still in denial and his pride is going to destroy him if he can't get over himself. We are still together. I do not trust him. But I have 2 young girls and a quadriplegic son who need their father in their lives. So he is not getting a "Get out of Jail free card". I love him and I see him as Christ sees him. He has so much potential and maybe one day he with "Get It". But till then I have the strength through the good Lord to do what I need to protect my family. And I have done what I needed to when contacting the AP's and driving them away from our family. My husband knows if he does anything like this again he will lose everything. When our 16 year old daughter found out she confronted him and left home as she wants to make sure he understands she can not accept what he has done. She refuses to speak to him. Which I am encouraging her not to do. But she is young and hurt. This one act has done more to open his eyes then if I'd packed up and left I think. He shows worldly sorrow but not godly sorrow. There's still hope though. I've been through rejection and abandonment before. My own parents when I was a teenager. I can't do it on my own but with a Faith and the light and love of The Lord all things are possible. God Bless all of us who are suffering and struggling with this terrible experience. And especially those of us it's been inflicted upon. Xxxx

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