I cannot think of much that will break down communication quicker than losing trust. When I first learned of Wayne’s secret life our conversations got a little ‘strained,’ to put it lightly. One minute I didn’t want to talk to him at all. The next I had a half a dozen questions that I wanted answers to. During the first month or so of our separation he would send me a text at night that would say something like, ‘If you want to talk tonight, call me. Otherwise goodnight.’ I appreciated this because it let me know that he was open to talking, but not being pushy about it. This left me free to talk or not, depending on where I was emotionally.

After we were a couple of months into recovery I began to worry about him relapsing into his old lifestyle. When I would ask him how he was doing he would tell me what he was struggling with that day and how he was overcoming it, but my fears would only be quieted for a short time before they would come right back again. I had the most trouble when we were not with each other because that was when the ‘what ifs’ would start rolling around in my mind. On one hand I knew that I could just ask him about it, but on the other I didn’t want to become the constant nag with my list of twenty questions.

So we began a number game. My number was on a scale of one to ten, showing where my focus was in that moment. If my focus was on the Voice of Truth, on His promises and on who He says I am in Him, then my number was a ten. But if I was giving air time to the Liar and listening to his accusations and negative predictions then I was a one. I would simply text that number to Wayne. He would then text his number to me. His scale was a little different than mine. His ten meant he was sailing through the day with no distracting temptations, and his one meant he was giving in to them. The number game became a powerful tool for us. It was a safe way to let each other know where we were at, and it generally became a conversation opener when we were back together later in the day.

What are some ways you have learned to communicate? Even if you’re not open to communicating with your spouse yet, everyone needs a trusted advisor to walk through recovery. What makes it easy to communicate with that person? Could you see using this technique to communicate with your spouse? I’d love to hear your tips and suggestions.