My Ugly Truth About Codependency Today I am journaling about codependency because I truly hate the word. I wish someone decades ago could have come up with a nicer sounding word to fit the definition. When I began some honest soul searching of my character flaws that led me to cheat on my husband, I began to realize that I am a poster child for codependency. Looking back on my life and choices, I have spent years outrunning being identified as “codependent” to any degree. Part of my personality (that I am still coming to terms with) is that I have mostly been the type of person who has to learn through failure and mistakes. So many times I have run so far from something only to find myself smacked in the face into the very thing I was running from to begin with. (Insert eye roll and deep sigh emoji here) It felt like admitting that I was codependent meant I was weak, a doormat, and dependent or needy. And worst of all, because codependents can’t validate their own feelings very well, I had no idea what to do with all of these feelings of insecurity without anyone there to validate them. I never wanted to be codependent. I know now this was how my own mother was labeled. She chose to stay married to my dad for 30 years. He had multiple and chronic addictions and infidelities. He finally chose to leave her after her multiple attempts at healing and reconciliation. Their baggage became my baggage. Because I rarely have known where I end and someone else begins, I became a sponge that just absorbed everything. I absorbed and buried my anger towards both of my parents. That buried anger ultimately came out in my own marriage. I hated my dad for never choosing integrity, yet pretending he did. I really resented my mom for not taking us kids and leaving him the first time. Growing up, there was a lot of Lucy and Charlie Brown going on. Lucy would put the football out there. And like Charlie Brown, we all hoped and swore this time would be different. Only to get up to kick the ball and have it pulled away. I have started to grieve many losses, most of which had to do with understanding and accepting the pain instead of feeling responsible for it. Growing up as the youngest child in a large family, I often joke that all of the roles were taken so I took what was left. (I also joke to hide my pain...which I am learning is...you guessed it....a screaming neon sign that I am codependent). I learned early on to be whatever anyone needed me to be. I internalized every fight, argument and conflict. Sometimes, if I could just be cute or funny enough, I discovered I had the power to distract or bring about peace. What does codependency have to do with infidelity? A lot more than I would have liked. And to be honest, a lot more than I still like to admit. I often wonder how many of us come into marriage with completely unrealistic expectations. I know I did. Because of the unhealed pain in my family of origin, I see how I internally expected my husband to be my savior. I expected him to pick up the pieces, be perfect, and somehow rescue me from all of my pain and emptiness. It didn’t take me long to feel disappointment. I remember a few weeks into our marriage he announced he was leaving for the weekend to go deer hunting and we had a newborn at the time. I was in total disbelief and felt so angry. How could he leave me like this? Looking back I can actually smile on this. One of my husband’s greatest qualities is his strong sense of self and his boundaries. I did not define him and he would not compromise his passion or connection with God through spending time in the woods for anyone. As a codependent, I always confused self-care for selfishness. I was resentful towards my husband for actually being healthy. I have been so selfish to expect him to be anything more than human. As a codependent, I also looked to others for my happiness and sense of belonging. When my husband could not provide that for me, I sought it out wherever I could find it. I was completely unsafe for our marriage and didn’t even realize it. My need for connection was off the charts. Instead of allowing him to not meet all my needs all of the time, I fell for the instant gratification of two separate affairs. I justified each one by telling myself that my husband really didn’t care for me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Understanding my tendency towards codependent behavior has been one of the biggest areas of focus in my recovery from my infidelity. This has required developing a sense of self. I was so angry at my therapist for telling me I had no sense of self over and over the first few months. This made me feel angry and ashamed. I was so embarrassed to hear that I was a 43 year old woman with no sense of self. I even came home from my therapist’s office one day and googled it. It sounds silly and elementary, but now I view my sense of self as not being afraid to give my opinion. If I like something, I can make my needs be known. If I don’t like something, I can say that too. Laugh if you must, but to those of us on the codependent spectrum, it is a really difficult thing to simply ask for what we need sometimes. My hatred for the word codependency is slowly changing into a mild dislike. It is not something I need to loathe, hate or rid myself of. I am becoming more okay and accepting of it. Kindness is what leads us to repentance. Not self-hatred. I am trying to maintain compassion for my strong desire to fix, manage and control. Mostly because when I want to fix or control, I realize I’m usually just really afraid. Most days I think we all want some kind of sense that it’s going to be okay. While Jesus promises that to us if we choose Him in eternity, He tells me plainly that in this world there is gonna be trouble. I just don’t have to go at it alone. At its core, I think codependency is just a desire to nurture others - which isn’t a bad thing. But like fertilizer in the garden, a little nurturing helps things grow. Too much of it will kill and destroy. Only God can change people. Not me. He is in control. Not me. He defines what is good and bad. Not me. Healing will happen on His time table, not mine. (Spoiler alert, God doesn’t seem to do anything quickly.) He’s gonna do all of the healing in our hearts. Again... not me. His love is the only thing big enough to do that. If you are a Bible reader, the book of Exodus tells a great story where God clearly defines to Moses who He was. God seems pretty big on the simple words “I am”. When I am acting codependently, I am ultimately trying to be God. And that is not who I want to be. One of my favorite Anne Lamont quotes is “the biggest difference between us and God is that He doesn’t pretend to be us”. Whether unfaithful or betrayed, codependency creeps into all of our relationships. Mine has crippled ours. This is a subject that is difficult and confusing and downright messy. My hope is that we continue to wrestle as a community with what it means to love well and help one another in this area. As always, thank you for reading. If you want to dive deeper into the subject of codependency, Hope for Healing and Harboring Hope are two classes with much content in this area. If you haven’t taken one of them, it could be the very best step in your healing journey.
