What Does Change Look Like?

what does change look like - Elizabeth

Today I was reminded of a story by Portia Nelson I heard long ago:

Autobiography in Five Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter One:

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two:

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three:

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four:

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five:

I walk down another street.

I still have so far to go but I am desperately searching for the different street. And while I'm not suggesting this is the "end all be all" of how change occurs, it reminds me of how difficult and painstakingly slow change can be.

I'd like to thank my husband and every betrayed spouse who is graciously giving us time to sort through the personal pain we have transmitted onto you. Thank you for giving us the time to "get it". I will probably never fully grasp the grace you bestow on us this side of heaven.

I don't know where you find yourself in this journey of recovery but my desire is that this provides hope today to continue forward. Thankfully, Affair Recovery is full of options to help us navigate our way to a new street without holes.

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I love this, thanks for

I love this, thanks for sharing! I'm looking for that different street too.

You're welcome. Keep at it.

You're welcome. Keep at it.

Thank you.

This is the best illustration I have ever seen of change, and it can be applied by both the unfaithful and the betrayed spouse.

I am not smart enough to

I am not smart enough to figure out a lot so sometimes simple illustrations are the best for me too. I know I usually have no grasp of how much God loves us all and how big His "best" life for us is. Thanks for the encouragement.

Wow. That is powerful.

Wow. That is powerful. Thank you for sharing that story and for sharing part of your journey on the blog.

Thank you for your comments

Thank you for your comments of encouragement Candace. We are all in the same boat, some by our own doing and some unwillingly, but I'm thankful we don't have to do it alone.

our cc threw that at me and

our cc threw that at me and my wife early on 1 month out. unfortunately for me my wife was still contacting and lying to everyone about it. she said i see the hole and walk around it and i laughed out loud and said she is digging the holes. for us betrayed it is 1 for a very long time, six months for me until emdr i was stuck there after it was 3. and i still fall in its just a quick out.

Ugh, I'm sorry if what I

Ugh, I'm sorry if what I meant for encouragement rubbed a wound for you. Isn't it strange how at any given time in recovery words that are meant to heal can still hurt us? I hope you are in a better place and keeping at the journey.

It is what Samual refers to

It is what Samual refers to as counselor induced trauma. The CC was one my wife would only agree to see. so i took a gamble that didn't pay off she was horrible. Session one, tell me about how he didn't support you? I knew the answer wasn't going to help me and it was just like that for several sessions each one leaving me the bad guy and the problem. The CC became my wifes IC. I got my own for emdr. After my wifes second relapse at six months after the first false recovery, i asked he how this particular counselor helped her and she said not much. They talked about the problems in the marriage, never the affair or the relationship. She doesn't like AR and I have to bring anything I feel might help her get it. To that end I feel I am the problem. She has never done any individual work to sort through her bad choices. You at least get it and I like the fact that AR now has a UW to be an example to show how WW's can help heal their BS. Even when a WW doesn't acknowledge the fact that they still don't get it I wonder how me showing her anything has not planted any seeds that have been able to take root? Samuals blog of lost respect is so true for me. I could respect her if I would just see some effort on her part to do, say, or act different towards doing her own work.

Thank you

Thank you for being so open and honest. I was wondering how long it took for you to reconnect emotionally with your husband after d-day? Did you feel that you needed your husband not to pursue you immeditaly after revelation because your heart was cold towards him? My wife had 3months emotional affair full limerence and we are 5months out from d-day. Our counselor has said I need to give my wife space at the moment (soften pursuit) because her heart is very distant and cold towards me. She loves me and has had zero contact without AP. She is kind to me and we are moving forward but she built lots of walls around her heart towards me in our marraige and this just made them worse. I feel she should be pursuing me as the betrayed but it’s opposite. I forgive her, love her, and want to pursue her which is weird but I do. Just hard because she is distant and cold. Thoughts? What did you and your husband do?

Thanks for your comments and

Thanks for your comments and for entering into the pain of facing the infidelity. Are you each enrolled in HH or HFH? Have you done an EMS weekend? Are you in counseling? I'm sorry I am probably not helping much but I know more than anything, stay the course and trust you will know more with each passing week and month. That's easier said than done!
It took me almost 8-9 months to really connect in a way I felt somewhat honest about. Mostly because of my shame.

Truly Profound!

Five short chapters of absolute brilliance! I am the betrayed...3 months out and just discovered AR a few days ago. It’s the hope and resource I’ve been praying for. My husband is still in the blame/defending stage...but maybe softening a bit....maybe. Samuels videos are what I discovered and been so helpful to answer so many of my questions. It’s been 3 months of deafening solitude. Thanks for your blog!

I am so glad you found the AR

I am so glad you found the AR website. You will find all kinds of help here. The classes are really helpful and if you guys can get to an EMS weekend, I will just say it was the best thing we ever did for our healing. I am so sorry for your pain. Best to you in your journey to finding some hope in this mess.

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-D, Texas