A Recent Meltdown

A couple of days ago, Samantha and I had a major meltdown.   It was the wrong day, the wrong moment, I wasn’t feeling well, and the perfect storm arose.  I felt like Samantha had just scolded me. I wasn’t having it, and the night went from a peaceful night with a book to all hell breaking loose and me ending up out of the house, in an ice storm, trying to cool down.  You’d think after so many years in recovery we’d be above this and that we never even argue any more. Come on. We are healed and healthy in ways we never imagined we could be but we’re still people fighting for our marriage every day. I never promised perfection in this blog, but real life instead. 

It wasn’t infidelity related at all.  In fact, there was no residue in the fight from infidelity.  It was about one child affecting another child and how we both handled it. 

To say it escalated quickly is an understatement.  Have you ever had one of those fights that simply came out of nowhere and you didn’t even see it coming?  All you could see was the aftermath? 

It was one of those.

We made up last night, thank God, and our world has returned to its proper axis.

The most crucial moment in the whole ordeal was how it affected my 12 year old daughter.  If anyone felt slighted or as though they weren’t validated, it was her.

As I woke up yesterday morning, I immediately went into her room and knelt down beside her bed, apologized, grabbed her hands, and prayed for both of us.  Mostly for me, but for her healing and my youngest who hurt her emotionally.  I had tears in my eyes as we prayed.

It reminded me of what’s at stake in life.  Infidelity wreaks havoc on all parties involved in the family.  In a very auspicious way, our kids can sense when trauma or crisis is in the air.  Call it a sixth sense, call it elevated maturity of which we don’t give them credit for, but they can feel it.  My infidelity years ago put everything of priority in my life in extreme jeporady. 

I was willing to spend any money I had or didn’t have for help and hope.   We put the EMS Weekend on a credit card, and used a good amount of savings to see Rick periodically. 

When I held my daughters hands yesterday morning, I was reaping the benefit of money well spent.  I was reaping the fruit of sacrifice, and labor, and where there is appropriate, heartfelt sacrifice, fruit will soon come.  It may not be the way we always want it to come, or in the area we want it to come, but it will come.  Yes I had blown it, but through that storm I’ve been able to cultivate a relationship with my kids which of course is not perfect, but they understand the necessity of an apology and forgiveness.   My daughter and I had a special moment.  It was intensified by the time spent in my life beforehand to believe, and to press on, and our response to what happened 8 years ago. 

What we do matters my friends.   It requires a calculated decision and plan if we want to heal from infidelity or addiction.  It won’t ‘just happen.’  It won’t get better on it’s own.  Healing won’t just arise out of thin air, or out of nowhere.   It’s not time for a ‘whatever happens is what happens’ methodology.  It’s time for a strategic approach to probably the biggest crisis of your life heretofore.  If there was ever a time for strategy and driving a stake in the ground, it would be now. 

Whether or not you have kids is not the issue. 

Whether or not you want to see hope arise out of the ashes is.  Whether or not you want to cut the line and walk away is the issue.  Whether or not you get expert help is the issue.  Whether or not you make a few sacrifices to get help now is the issue.  I hope you’ll reach out for help today and make the decision you know you need to make. 

If I can help, please let me know.  I’m standing with you today in prayer!  

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Struggling

We are struggling with the kid issues ourselves right now. I'm the betrayed and found out about my wife's affair a couple months ago. We are and have been foster parents for a year and a half, and are currently in the process of adopting two of the boys we've fostered. As children who come from abuse and neglect (they are 3&4) they are hyper sensitive to any conflict or emotional struggles between us (even just job stress sometimes). We do our best to mask it from them, but that 6th sense gets through more often than we'd like.

We are both committed to working through this; as I read the stories here on the site I know I'm blessed, because even though my wife had an affair she broke it off and then eventually she told me herself, she has given me every reason to think that she is committed to working through this and has truly repented and is willing to do what she can to rebuild our marriage.

We are still working through everything that goes with the pain and betrayal of an affair. For kids who come from such an unstable background, no matter how much we try to hide the emotional struggles between us, it still bleeds through sometimes and freaks them out.

I know there is no shortcut, and that, sadly, this is part of the consequences of what happened (and living in a world full of sin). I know that we would appreciate prayer in this matter. They have been so much in their short lives already, we'd like to shield them from this as much as we can at this point while healthily working through our issues. I'd specifically request prayer for them as well. Thanks in advance, and for investing so much time into these articles.

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