Are You or Your Spouse Paralyzed by Anger?

Samuel discusses what one author calls 'aimless anger' in recovery.

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Thank you all for this video. That describes me pretty well, I am unfamiliar with sadness and I have masked it with anger. This is something I will work on. Thanks again.

glad it helped you kyle...

sorry for the delay due to being sick.  it's a normal struggle we feel in recovery.  so glad it helped you.


Richard Rohr

Samuel, what is your favorite Richard Rohr book? Is there one in particular that helps with doing deep, internal work towards healing? Thank you!

a couple books...

so breathing under water is my all time favorite.  then i would have to say falling upward is my 2nd and then everything belongs is my third.  all three of them are great.  if you're looking for more deep internal work, shattered dreams by larry crabb is a huge perspective changer as well my friend.  sorry for the delay. 

anger during the affair?

Thank you Samuel for your blog. Would this explain why my US was acting so angry before Dday?. Would this apply to anger before disclosure too? I know my US was angry about lots of things he believed were true about our marriage and about me to justify what he was doing, and for some rightly so, I am human and definitely not perfect. He knew what he was doing wasn't right, as he tried to break his relationship with AP. AP is also married and has small children. They were on a 4 month break as "friends". During their "break" US would still confide in AP as a "friend", and left AP the window open to our lives. My US did not get angry at AP I think ever, as she was such a "good friend" but his stress levels while in the affair with AP were through the roof, and I had no idea why at the time.

It was a physical affair but even when on their "break" the emotional affair part was still going on, so to me his affair was well over a year continuously, as there was no "real break". I feel bad I took all his anger towards me like a champ and feel like a fool after knowing all the facts. All the things he was angry about I justified, I truly believed I deserved his anger. And instead of lashing out at his AP for being so needy, over demanding, neurotic, drama queen, clingy, unfaithful (AP had a fling with some other co-worker while they were on break) with clear histrionic tendencies, US would come home and lash out at me?. (I am really not even exaggerating AP's attributes, I am sure I am still missing a few) :) Is this anger normal before disclosure?, he still acted angry after disclosure but to a lesser degree. Not to make my self feel better but I am the opposite of his AP, I lack the crazy tendencies, the jealousy, the neediness, or being demanding. I ask myself why would he be attracted to so much instability? to so much drama? to so much neediness?

I am angry for what he put me through for well over a year, and to believe that I deserved it? makes me sick. He put a lot of guilt on me to justify what he was doing...and I fell for it. It makes me so mad. I know he wants nothing to do with his past or AP, and is seeking to heal himself and learning and taking the lessons from his bad choices, I know US is sorry and wishes he would take it all back. How do I get to understand his anger during the affair towards me? How do I get over my anger for what he put me through?

Not sure this is only male thing

I am a female betrayed spouse and I am having a lot of anger still after 20 But sadness is a major part of my life now that no one understands all that I have lost because of his affair. And yes I get very angry and actually release it in the unhealthy ways yout stated. I try to remove myself from the situation but it usually esculates because he tries to make me stay in room with him. I just can't shake the intense anger

here are some helpful articles for you...

dawn34, glad you posted.  i'm sorry the anger hurts so bad.  here are some helpful articles from the site, I'd highly suggest you read and think through as I think they'll be very helpful:

remember it's vital you diffuse the anger or it will end up really making life incredibly hard for you my friend.  it's about setting you free and helping you find peace. 


Thank you so much. This has changed my life

I am so thankful to you Samuel for not only this vlog but all of the work you and everyone at Affair Recovery does. Go bless you all.

This particular vlog hit home for me and has literally changed my whole outlook on life. I am just on 6 months out from D Day when I discovered my wifes affair. We have been married 19 years and together 23 years. We have two children both boys aged 8 and 10. I am 42 and my wife is 40. To say that I was completely blind sided by my wifes affair is the understatement of the century. Not only was I blind sided by it but upon confronting her with the evidence I had collated of the affair she told me that we were now seperated and that our marriage was over. We have maintained regular contact in our shared parenting responsibility but I have regularly damaged any progress we made by lashing out at my wife, only to feel overwhelming remorse immediately after. It was like I could not control my emotional outburts no matter how hard I tried. You have provided me with a fresh outlook and immediately I found renewed faith in our marriage. Its ok to be sad. I am extremely sad over whats happenes in my life recently. Not only did uncover my wifes affair 6 months ago but my father passed away 2 months prior to that. I did not give myself adequate time to grieve and accept that sadness is ok. I am allowed to cry. I am no less of a man for doing this. In fact I am a much better man for letting my emotions out. After viewing your vlog at least a dozen times and now understanding it with humility, I am just not angry at the world anymore and my family can fully enjoy having me around once again.

Thank you once again. Your work is truly noble.


what a great comment to receive


thank you so much for the encouraging word and message.  it makes it all worth it when you get such great feedback like that.  thank you for taking the time to post, share and really encourage me.  take care my friend.  

Ambivalence and Anger

Samuel, we are coming to the next EMS weekend, watching the blogs, doing the boot camp. I'm the betrayed spouse who has had a couple of DDays and then struggling with a husband is ambivalent about our future (I assume he has stopped seeing his AP). Now, I am struggling to get through my recovery and keep getting caught up in anger (something I am not used to carrying), my spouse tells me that he is ambivalent because he thinks I will always be angry and unhappy. I understand that it takes time but the ambivalence is creating more anger than the affair. We had planned to move out of state for my husband to continue with his education in a very demanding masters program and so time is not on our side.
We have 2 boys, (13 & 6), who are exhibiting anger and my oldest even said the dogs are more grumpy...
I feel that I have never been able to really deal with the affair, when I am not even sure where I will living in a couple of months. Which then also makes me angry... How do you deal with the compounding anger and a husband who is aware but avoids dealing with it?

the weekend will get granular on this...

hi shawna222, so glad you're coming.  i get it, i really do.  you'll find the weekend to be a safe place to lay all the cards out on the table and find the peace and clarity you need.  it's a lot.  the weekend will hit you on several levels and address three receoveries:  yours, his and the marriage's.  it's a sprocess and the weekend will address how the anger holds you, and how to diffuse it and how to get beyond just the anger.  for now, i would study grief.  the only way to get to forgiveness one day, is to dispel the anger and the only way to do that is by grieving.  as you truly grieve, it will diffuse the anger slowly but surely and you'll be able to then move further down the road in your own healing . so study grief and how to grieve.  there is a good called the grief recovery handbook that many have found helpful:,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=Cj0KCQjwtZzWBRD2ARIsAIPenY2_m4BBhY5f5PHxUh10cRUNAzE4HinSYoU9lTA6oyEWS4zyTBy7EYQaArIPEALw_wcB  that may be good to read now too.  there are the six stages of grief but they do not function linearly, they are all over the map and it's totally normal.  hope all this helps you. 


Thank you for taking the time

Thank you so much for your reassurance. I often feel like I'm not being husband, my teenager, my six-year-old who thinks he is a teenager, I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond to me and all the others who comment. It truly makes us feel heard.

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-D, Texas