Are You or Your Spouse 'Sleepwalking' in Recovery?

Samuel discusses a struggle all spouses seem to fall into during recovery work.

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Sleepwalking ... weary ... crazy

Our D day was January 2017 but truth (and lies) were still trickling out through fall. I feel like a crazy person. How is it possible to go through this much time and still barely have two or three days in a row that are not a wreck?? The sadness sweeps over me. I want to run. He gets defensive. We get past it. And it happens again. And again. Yea. We are sleepwalking. Through a nightmare.

Sleepwalking

This video really describes where we are. My husband had a 2 year affair and we are about a year and a half out. I would say a year and a half into recovery but I don’t feel we’re in recovery. He has been honest (I think) and is acting in a caring way, but I don’t see any recovery work on his part. Mostly he just wants us to be happy. We’ve been seeing a therapist, he cries when he talks about what he’s done but I’m not seeing many changes. It feels more like he’s waiting for me to get through this. He doesn’t ever bring it up, doesn’t talk about forgiveness. I feel that he had his fun, got tired of her and same back to us with no major changes to his life. My life, however, is completely changed due to his choices. If I leave my family will see it as my fault. If I stay he just gets to have his life back. I honestly do not know what to do.

it's normal....he needs something engaging....

hi there confused.  it's all very normal.  he doesn't want to bring it up due to the shame he feels.  he won't bring it up either, unless you get to a safe place where you can discuss it, with boundaries and expert care to facilitate conversation that isn't shame based.  he can't and won't hear you objectively, but at a place like the ems weekend, he will hear you as he will hear expert therapists putting words to what you're feeling as they have been there before personally.

without a process, from an expert, you're going to get more of what you're getting now which is avoidance.  it's understandable, but if you can get to the ems weekend, or ems online course, you can bypass that and have a process you can trust to move forward.  it happens all the time my friend. here are some thoughts on shame that will explain more:

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame

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