Business as Usual If there is one thing about the crisis of infidelity, it’s that life as we know it changes. Maintaining a “business as usual” approach to crisis is a mistake. The ‘usual’ of our lives has been shattered and at some level, though life and time refuse to stop, it becomes more surreal than we ever thought possible. It’s the betrayed spouse who is forced to wade through the layers of pain (and B.S. from the unfaithful spouse quite frankly) and seek to find some new ground zero. It’s not that I didn’t try to operate in a business as usual mentality when our lives were turned upside down. I yearned for some sense of normalcy to our lives, as I’m sure you do too, but it was gone. It was gone for quite a while now that I think of it. I see many couples try to treat it as though it’s a mere bump in the road and that life will just go on as before, significantly minimizing the ordeal altogether. I do understand some spouses refuse to admit to their infidelity and refuse to come clean, so there is the appearance of normalcy and the appearance that life hasn’t changed “all that much” as one spouse said to me the other day. For most of us though, life as we knew it is disfigured and altered. Whether it be taking care of ourselves, or getting help for the marriage, we need to take a step back and stop pretending that life and the climate surrounding our lives is normal. I know for kids it’s especially tough to navigate, as their lives are pretty set in terms of demands, schedules, school work and the like. Sometimes it’s the routine that helps them cope and I get that. I think what I’d like to stay on though, is the mentality of business as usual and how devastating it can be. If you’re in crisis today, I’d encourage you to admit that, realize that, and give yourself permission to not be able to do what you used to do. I’m sure it’s hard to function. I’m sure it’s even harder to believe that this is going to work out for better, or even for the best. When you’re marriage is in question, and your family’s future is desperately uncertain, we sometimes defiantly minimize the trauma and try to ‘suck it up.’ Alternatively though, sometimes we want to curl up in the fetal position and quit. There were many times I wanted to get a very large bottle of whiskey and disappear. Without question the days were too many to count that I wanted to do that. I couldn’t then and I can’t now. You can’t either friend. It’s not about disappearing; it’s about allowing the mentality that you’re not affected by this disappear. Though you’re in the middle of crisis, give yourself grace to not be OK. Give yourself grace to be a mess and take steps to get healthy however long it takes and whatever it takes. It will probably take good money and humility to get the type of help you need to heal from infidelity. You may have to admit you’re not OK and you don’t have everything under control the way we’d like to think we do. But that’s OK. It’s about getting help NOW, even if the progress is inch by inch. I know…..it absolutely cuts at the core sometimes. We’re fashioned and cultured to suck it up, rise up, and meet any challenge. I do believe we need to meet the challenges before us. The kids need to eat, the bills have to be paid, and life in many ways goes on. But we don’t have to face it with a mentality that pretends we are who we’ve been. Perhaps we’re becoming someone deeper, richer, and more balanced. Maybe the strength and perspective we need can only come when we put aside the façade and the business as usual mentality and tread carefully, sensitive to the leadings and the promptings of grace. Grace still has a voice, I will promise you that. Paul said it best……”When I am weak, therefore am I strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10
