But Why Are They Thinking About Their AP? As I was responding to a comment on my previous blog, I felt the need to bring more clarity to just what is going on in the mind of the unfaithful and what emotions go through their head when thinking of their AP. Early on, when things are difficult and you both are wading through the insanity of it all, (the fighting, the anger, the venom, the confusion and the chaos) the unfaithful may be thinking of the AP wondering if this marriage can be saved. Things are so rough and so uncertain they may be thinking about how doing the right thing is harder than doing the wrong thing. Early on, they may be having trouble breaking free from the romance of it all, but that is early on. As the process gets harder or tougher, they still may have thoughts about them, but they are consciously trying to press forward and undo what they’ve done. It’s harder to un-tie themselves from the bond they’ve established, emotionally or sexually, and they’ll most certainly need help. Hope for Healing is a wonderful program to help untie them as well as teach them how to untie themselves from the bondage they have created to the affair partner. The further away they get from the affair, the tide turns immensely. As I was sharing with an anonymous friend who left a comment, the fact is, when I think of my AP now, it’s not a romantic X rated porn movie in any sense. It’s a sea of sobriety, remembering the destruction and pain I created which then reiterates why I never want to have another affair again. Somewhere around the one and half year point past D Day, Samantha was thinking of my AP more than I was. She was comparing herself, wondering if I was thinking about my AP when we had sex or even when we were just having fun together. I really wasn’t but she was convinced I was. It took time and strategy and some tough conversations to get through it. When I reflect today upon my choices and my affair, I can tell you I hate the fact that I screwed up so bad. I’m sure your post-unfaithful spouse does too. I’m sure they hate what they’ve done, and how they’ve hurt you. (Note: if they are still in the middle of the affair or still in the stage of justifying the affair they are nowhere near this reality yet. Be patient. Clarity will come but not in an instant.) Those that have some distance from the affair partner may not be able to express their sorrow for what they’ve done, but more than likely the further they get from the illusion of the affair the more they will be able to articulate. I think if you ask anyone who has a few years under their belt, they’ll tell you they hate what they did for what it did to their spouse, and what it did to themselves. I will attest to that for sure. One day Samantha and I were ‘jabbing’ at each other and being sarcastic. It soon turned heated and serious and she said “Well maybe I want to have an affair.” I had no idea she would say such a statement. It was on the tip of my tongue as if I had thought about it a 1,000 times at least. Without even a mere pause I remember saying “Sure, go ahead. Try living with yourself afterwards and hating yourself every single day of your life and wanting to kill yourself. Let me know how that works for you, because I can tell you it supremely sucks.” The silence was deafening and to this day, I’d like to never, ever, feel that quiet again. It was the same quiet I felt when my wife and kids had moved to Texas, and I sat in our California home, after everyone had left and moved out, and I wept in my house for the nightmare I was living, but couldn’t wake up from. The holier a man becomes, the more he mourns over the unholiness which remains in him – Charles Spurgeon
