Don't Trust the Pain to Lead You...

Samuel discusses a major pitfall in recovery: letting pain be our guide.

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Difficult situation

Samuel, I wanted to thank you along with everyone else at Affair Recovery for your amazing insight and lesson's of truth. I have watched so many of your videos along with others after learning of my wife's affair and although I have learned SO MUCH, I feel as if my situation is just a little different than most of the videos discuss. While I am aware that most affairs are the fault of the husband, I haven't been able to find many that discuss when it is the wife that has the affair. I have seen one or two, but for the most part they don't speak directly with my situation. I apologize if it sounds selfish to say all this, I am just struggling right now as my wife is refusing help. She refuses to go to counseling, refuses to have any part in recovery or even FULL disclosure. I am seeing 2 counselors currently and have been doing research on Affair Recovery. My wife has now decided she just wants to get a divorce and, what I can only assume, go be with someone else and continue to escape what she has done. I am struggling to sleep well, work effectively and at the same time try to save a marriage, that at this point, seems impossible. I would love ANY feedback if possible. I truly appreciate the hard work and dedication to the team at Affair Recovery and I know it is all a work of God. Thank you and God Bless you all.

hi john...sorry for the delay

i just received notification of the comment so my apologies for the delay.  thank you for the kind words.  it means a ton.  on to your question.  the fact is, male or unfaithful, the response typically is very similar.  you can't make her want you and you can't make her want to get help my friend.  i'm sorry it's so painful and that she has chosen the road she is choosing, but despite her being a woman, the fact is you need to pursue your own healing.  if i were you, i would pull back, give her the divorce and pursue your next chapter.  there is always a chance at remarriage, as just today someone signed up for our ems weekend who are divorced and considering remarriage.  it happens quite frequently.  or, perhaps you giving her space and the divorce may actually cause her to wake up and see you differently and she may shift.  you've got to take care of you and focus on your own healing and your own choices.  i would take harboring hope for your own healing, and then i would consider seeing a ptsd specialist to do some emdr work for the trauma you've been through.  at the very least, read the book the body keeps the score, by levine, as it will help you understand how trauma affects us and our sleep, etc.  you'll want to start to study the way trauma can affect us and do a number on us mentally and emotionally.  i know you don't want to divorce, and i know you don'tw ant to go down that road, but if she is set on it and refuses to get help, i think the writing is on the wall and it's time to pull back and no longer pursue her.  it will only push her away and delay your own healing.  

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