What Should You Do on Anniversaries? Samuel Answers a Viewer's Question

Samuel answers a viewer's question about how to handle anniversaries in recovery both for the marriage and recovery.

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two weeks from each other

It seems that my wife doesn't get any of the dates that are a problem for me. Our d-day and anniversary is just two weeks apart, and Sandwiched in between the first time i was contacted by OM to cut off her affair, and the last relapse and OM refusal to engage her, and the day she took me to the mediator. She doesn't remember any of these days. How is it that the unfaithful doesn't remember any of the dates of betrayal? Do I put it on her calendar? She just says you need to let go of the past and move on.

ugh, so tough to do...

bor, i'm sorry.  that's tough to deal with. the fact is, she can't just 'forget' them.  she maybe selectively choosing not to remember them or just block them out, but shame plays a huge role.  we don't want to remember the things that make us feel terrible or embarrassed.  she needs to get some help to understand these things as she won't hear them from you.  you remind her of her choices and her failings.  she will need outside, third party, expert help.  the course on the site will help her immensely:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing  i wouldn't put it on her calendar.  but i would ask her to get help for outside, expert perspective on what these dates do to you personally and how they impact your life.  i would also tell her that letting go of the past and moving on isn't easy nor possible without compassion from the unfaithful and without expert help to deal with the pain of it all.

 

Very good suggestions - Thank

Very good suggestions - Thank you. My D-day and Wedding anniversary were the same day unfortunately (and a national holiday - ahh) so we did take the "not going to celebrate the day" approach. We did try to plan ahead - a family day at a place we have always had good memories. When the day came he barely spoke or looked at me all day - which made me tense. I know he just wanted to hold his breath and make it through. I did my best to understand the day was difficult for him too. I just wish he had made some acknowledgement during the day that he knew it was an incredibly difficult day for me, for us & that he was sorry or even that he was proud that I was holding myself together - something. He said "Yay we made it" the next morning but for me it was honestly a day late. That would be my only piece to add to your blog - on your anniversary, no matter when it is, acknowledge your betrayed spouse, thank them for their strength and courage to keep fighting the battle.

Cards!!

I have basically sworn off anniversary and valentines cards. Most of them say something about faithfulness or beOkay ing your one and only which is a HUGE HUGE TRIGGER!! I can't go on the isle to read cards to give and would flip my crap if he gave me one that said that. This is just a suggestion for others. Be aware, BE VERY AWARE of holidays or traditions of card giving.

Thank you Samuel for your wisdom and willingness to share what helped you and Samantha.

We now do anniversary trips. Time to just focus on us. It has been one of the best changes we have ever made. The car rides are totally open conversations with no limits. Once we arrive only positive conversations about future plans and truly focusing on just enjoying each others company.
Our bigg 25 years is next month. Trying to figure out where to go on the cheap, but we will go somewhere even if it is just a motel 6 in the next state over. Lol.

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