What Should You Do on Anniversaries? Samuel Answers a Viewer's Question

Samuel answers a viewer's question about how to handle anniversaries in recovery both for the marriage and recovery.

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two weeks from each other

It seems that my wife doesn't get any of the dates that are a problem for me. Our d-day and anniversary is just two weeks apart, and Sandwiched in between the first time i was contacted by OM to cut off her affair, and the last relapse and OM refusal to engage her, and the day she took me to the mediator. She doesn't remember any of these days. How is it that the unfaithful doesn't remember any of the dates of betrayal? Do I put it on her calendar? She just says you need to let go of the past and move on.

ugh, so tough to do...

bor, i'm sorry.  that's tough to deal with. the fact is, she can't just 'forget' them.  she maybe selectively choosing not to remember them or just block them out, but shame plays a huge role.  we don't want to remember the things that make us feel terrible or embarrassed.  she needs to get some help to understand these things as she won't hear them from you.  you remind her of her choices and her failings.  she will need outside, third party, expert help.  the course on the site will help her immensely:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing  i wouldn't put it on her calendar.  but i would ask her to get help for outside, expert perspective on what these dates do to you personally and how they impact your life.  i would also tell her that letting go of the past and moving on isn't easy nor possible without compassion from the unfaithful and without expert help to deal with the pain of it all.

 

Very good suggestions - Thank

Very good suggestions - Thank you. My D-day and Wedding anniversary were the same day unfortunately (and a national holiday - ahh) so we did take the "not going to celebrate the day" approach. We did try to plan ahead - a family day at a place we have always had good memories. When the day came he barely spoke or looked at me all day - which made me tense. I know he just wanted to hold his breath and make it through. I did my best to understand the day was difficult for him too. I just wish he had made some acknowledgement during the day that he knew it was an incredibly difficult day for me, for us & that he was sorry or even that he was proud that I was holding myself together - something. He said "Yay we made it" the next morning but for me it was honestly a day late. That would be my only piece to add to your blog - on your anniversary, no matter when it is, acknowledge your betrayed spouse, thank them for their strength and courage to keep fighting the battle.

Cards!!

I have basically sworn off anniversary and valentines cards. Most of them say something about faithfulness or beOkay ing your one and only which is a HUGE HUGE TRIGGER!! I can't go on the isle to read cards to give and would flip my crap if he gave me one that said that. This is just a suggestion for others. Be aware, BE VERY AWARE of holidays or traditions of card giving.

Thank you Samuel for your wisdom and willingness to share what helped you and Samantha.

We now do anniversary trips. Time to just focus on us. It has been one of the best changes we have ever made. The car rides are totally open conversations with no limits. Once we arrive only positive conversations about future plans and truly focusing on just enjoying each others company.
Our bigg 25 years is next month. Trying to figure out where to go on the cheap, but we will go somewhere even if it is just a motel 6 in the next state over. Lol.

Anniverseries that are very tainted

What do you do with an anniversary where the Adultery Co-conspirator was at your wedding and the other Betrayed Spouse was one of the Groomsman standing with your wayward spouse? What do you do with anniversaries when the adultery was very long term, 16 plus years and the Adultery Co-conspirator pretended to be a friend. Haven't wanted to do anything with them since I discovered their double betrayal, that mainly occurred in my house and in my bed.

i wouldn't do anything with them.......

hi there.  long term affairs are tough in another sense of the word tough.  what type of trauma care have you done to heal?  any ptsd work, or emdr etc?  i would flee from any relationship with affair partners and the like.  forgiving a 16 year affair is a process and will take the right expert to help you work through it.  trauma care is done by a specilist and someone who is going to be able to help you navigate through it.  it's not easy, but it's necessary to heal.  when the trauma is addressed and healed it will affect your entire life i truly believe.  from sleep, to thoughts, etc.  i sure hope this helps and answers your question. 

 

Anniverseries and Trauma

I'm currently working with a therapist and we are working on my childhood. I'm also a betrayed child of Long Term Adultery and other traumatic fallout from that Adultery.

Thank you again for the vlogs and delving into the messy and painful topics that result from Adultery.

anniversaries

We are in the worst scenario for anniversary triggers and I already feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. DDay was January 8th...March 4th our youngest daughter got married. Her father wasn't even invited to the wedding until March 1st. I walked her down the aisle. Now here we are months later...some days doing "ok", most days me just wishing I could run and run forever. Well now our other daughter is getting married November 11th. He's a guest at the wedding and that is all. Going to be rough for a whole host of reasons. Then we have Thanksgiving. We have tried to deflect that by celebrating it at our daughters home instead of ours. Then we have Christmas. Then the next day...our 30th anniversary. Then I know that on December 28th he went to break it off with her (didn't want to start the new year in this condition) and ended up having sex with her instead. Then on January 2nd he managed to go and break it off and not have sex. Then on January 3rd I found a message he had sent another woman. And on January 8th I found a photo of his penis that he sent to his AP. So we have days and days and days of "OMG what am I going to do???" If I could I would go to bed today and wake up in February. I am literally mortified just thinking about it.

My spouse cheated on our actual anniversary

I was wondering if you have advice about this, or if your advice is the same. We always celebrated both our wedding anniversary and our dating anniversary, and my spouse was actually physically unfaithful on both of those days. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if I can ever be ok with those days again. Do you have any further advice? Thank you.

painful...

KrisGR, i'm terribly sorry.  that must hurt.  the best suggestion i could make is to find another anniversary day.  or create a  new one altogether.  there is'nt much ability to get beyond that date right now anyway, so i could pick a new date.  or help your spouse understand that at some point they may need to re-ask you to marry you.  we do this at the ems weekend.  we ask spouses to eventually ask their spouse to 'remarry them' in light of the affair and the old marriage dying.  that date is going to hurt like hell for a while...(dates) and it will require some strategy.  maybe a new date. maybe your spouse asking you to marry you again and then a new date can begin.  i would see if you can do that and then reclaim a new date and new marriage if you will.  AND it's OK to NOT be OK with those dates again.  it really is.  time and recovery work will tell though and it's OK to be uncertain you can ever celebrate those dates again. hope that helps in some way

 

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