i just received notification of the comment so my apologies for the delay.  thank you for the kind words.  it means a ton.  on to your question.  the fact is, male or unfaithful, the response typically is very similar.  you can't make her want you and you can't make her want to get help my friend.  i'm sorry it's so painful and that she has chosen the road she is choosing, but despite her being a woman, the fact is you need to pursue your own healing.  if i were you, i would pull back, give her the divorce and pursue your next chapter.  there is always a chance at remarriage, as just today someone signed up for our ems weekend who are divorced and considering remarriage.  it happens quite frequently.  or, perhaps you giving her space and the divorce may actually cause her to wake up and see you differently and she may shift.  you've got to take care of you and focus on your own healing and your own choices.  i would take harboring hope for your own healing, and then i would consider seeing a ptsd specialist to do some emdr work for the trauma you've been through.  at the very least, read the book the body keeps the score, by levine, as it will help you understand how trauma affects us and our sleep, etc.  you'll want to start to study the way trauma can affect us and do a number on us mentally and emotionally.  i know you don't want to divorce, and i know you don'tw ant to go down that road, but if she is set on it and refuses to get help, i think the writing is on the wall and it's time to pull back and no longer pursue her.  it will only push her away and delay your own healing.