They Won’t Hear You

Last week we discussed why “They Can’t Hear You,” but this week I’d like to continue the discussion and touch on why they WON’T hear you.

Fact is, your spouse will hear your emotion, but they will not hear your heart or your motives or in some cases even your contrition.

For many unfaithful, they justify their affair by lying to themselves reinforcing the thought that they had an affair because their spouse was disapproving, never happy, unsexual and unable to be pleased. What happens next is a huge pitfall for many, and is avoidable but not without a strategy.

Typically the unfaithful spouse has had to employ some mechanisms to cope with their behavior and justify their affair to themselves, their spouse, and even others. Eventually, if not careful the betrayed spouse will begin to ask them questions, pursue truth with clarity and details, and will become unhappy. Expectations aren’t met, details are not shared and the process breaks down miserably. Or, the betrayed will try and fix things and attempt to keep the marriage together. Typically the hurt is too much and the betrayed spouse begins to get angry, punish or shame their mate, and now the unfaithful only feels more justified in their affair. As Rick says “Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted,” and the betrayed in many cases is simply transmitting their pain to their spouse, which although feels justifiable, it’s not redemptive in any way.

They won’t hear you. They hear your emotion. They hear your anger. But they can’t and won’t hear your heart. They won’t hear your true desire at all, and by raging or by punishing or shaming, the betrayed only reinforces to the unfaithful the justifications they used to have an affair in the first place. It only reinforces their current ambivalence or inability to choose where they want to be. It doesn’t provide the outcome the betrayed so desperately wants, but only caters to the deception and confusion within the unfaithful.

Don’t get me wrong, the answer is not to NOT ask questions, or not to try and heal the marriage. It’s just not that simple or easy as doing the opposite. The answer is to place you and your spouse into a ‘place’ which is supportive and provides expert care to help translate what you are saying to your spouse in language that is palatable and plain. This ‘place’ will also help to slowly but surely eradicate the confusion and self-deception within the mind of the unfaithful. Believe me, I know it’s there.

Seem too good to be true? It’s exactly what happened with Samantha and I, and although our recovery wasn’t perfect at any rate, it was successful. I could write a thousand blogs on this paradigm as it just about killed us both were it not for Rick and his ability to help us see through the fog.

Get help my friends. Not just any help, the right kind of help.

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Comments

Thank you for this!

It helps me to understand that I'm not crazy! I'm the unfaithful and sometimes just think I'm going crazy!

Hit a nerve

Maybe both sides starts not hearing. I was betrayed by my husband with one of coworkers who he claimed "I had nothing to worry about". In just six weeks-or so he says that the point it became physical (maybe I should ask when the affair really started presex) when I found out he couldnt say whether he wanted me or her. How can 12 years be triumphed by six weeks? I've asked the questions and we are trying to reconcile. I feel he may think he's farther along than me. Truth is he may be right-I'm stuck because I don't get how one can cheat. It's like being a double agent or fighting a war for the other side and defecting. Then to know he never used protection. He also didn't end it and still kept contact with this person for four months. I don't get it do it's hard to understand what he was feeling to compromise his moral code. I found out he had a one night stand too a year and half earlier. I don't know if there's been more. I feel like all I hear is "I'm sorry you feel..." I want action. Oh yeah this chick? I felt was bad news from the get go-limp handshake(she's a mechanic it should be a little stronger)-she dumped him it appears though he claims it was mutual-well fast forward a year here we are and this chick did the sane thing to another family. Maybe my husband feels embarrassed. I'm angry still because I feel like all I have done is consider his feelings before dday-I'd make sure everything was taken care do he didn't have to on his days off because he worked so hard. What I did was enable an affair. I'm just not understanding something-now he wants his family and I offered do many times before more hurt was incurred. I feel he wanted to pursue her. I feel like a consolation prize. I am a consolation prize. If my everything wasn't enough to keep him faithful-what will be?

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