Samuel discusses what safety is and why it's needed for recovery.
It seems you alluded to this, but does the unfaithful need an environment of safety as well?
If they're confident that all they'll get is condemnation, vile, threats to tell others, etc. what are they to do? Suck it up and deal with it since they're the first line wrongdoer?
Hi Samuel - This was a very good blog for me and I want to thank you so much for giving such good examples of safety; and also your above answer is extremely helpful to me. I am the betrayed and it is good for me to be reminded that my unfaithful spouse needs safety, too. Many times in our talks I start out reasonably well with my questions/comments but then my hurt/pain starts to build and I end up flooding and my husband literally shuts down, and then it is not long before he explodes into a horrible anger - an anger where I can see he is functioning from the reptilian part of the brain. I am working very hard to gain a new perspective on my emotions since my husband is working incredibly hard on doing all the safe things similar to what you talked about in this blog. It is SO hard sometimes to stay in the present and focus on all the safe things my husband is doing, but I am trying so hard to do that and see my husband in this new light. Thank you again so much for this blog, it helps to hear this information and is a great review and reinforcement for me as my husband and I move through the healing.
We are five months out from discovery day (I had a three year affair). There have been massive changes within our relationship although we still seem to be floundering in the quagmire that is life at the moment. I left my full time employment upon discovery and have part time employment (which was where the affair was discovered) this has created issues in itself as there is obviously no trust in terms of me saying I am doing what I am doing, given how I was deceitful around my other employment. I guess my question is how do we (or more specifically me) let my betrayed spouse know that I am at work and not elsewhere (as had been the case previously)? We have both found your videos insightful and have certainly learned a lot about infidelity and its many facets. I hope this makes sense. Thanks for any potential help.
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Expert. Over 20 years specializing in infidelity recovery helping 2,000+ couples. Watch Rick's Story
Alumnus. Unfaithful. Doing his best with his 2nd chance in his marriage and life.
Alumna. Betrayed. A soul restored. Encouraging others to keep walking because there is a way through. Author of Keep Walking: 40 Days to Hope and Freedom After Betrayal
Alumna. Betrayed. Grateful for God's love and grace. Recognizing that with God as my priority, I will be okay no matter what.
Alumna. Betrayed. Determined to be positive as I navigate the quagmire of recovery.
Alumnus. Betrayed. No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, my wife is always worth it!
Alumna. Betrayed. Learning to love recklessly while I cross the monkey bars of recovery.
"You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." - C.S. Lewis
Alumna. Betrayed. Walking in obedience to God's direction and experiencing a richer life and Renewed marriage.
Alumnus. Unfaithful. Living life differently, enjoying my wife and family, and grateful for God’s love.
Alumna. Betrayed. Experiencing God's love after divorce. Celebrating the healing of myself and my identity.
Alumna. Betrayed. Continuing to fight for my marriage and my children.
Alumnus. Unfaithful. Living proof that seeking truth offers both incredible pain and amazing freedom.