What if This is a Rescue?

At some point, we have to look at the circumstances of our disclosure, exposure, or confession as a rescue. I will tell you, and Samantha will ecstatically echo, that my having to come clean about my affair was in fact one of the greatest rescues in my life. I hope and pray there is not another need to rescue me in that way ever again. I was on a crash course towards hurting more and more people emotionally and wanting more and more control. Samantha was on her own crash course of bitterness and resentment which continued to feed the hopelessness she seemed to be enveloped in.

When I was threatened and had to come clean, I didn’t see it as a rescue. I saw it as a total, colossal failure of incredible proportions. And, sadly, it was that. But it was also a rescue from where we were heading and it was a rescue and redemption of my life. I’m forever mindful of how much worse it could have gone. Each day I’m still married and living in the same house, I’m soberly reminded of how awe inspiring our lives are, as is Samantha.

What if the trauma you’re facing is truly a rescue? I’m quite sure the unfaithful spouse coming clean, or having to come clean, is being rescued. Rescued from what could be, from where they are heading and from where your marriage is heading. Some of you probably didn’t think you were needing to be rescued and all seemed fine, only to realize your biggest nightmare. The fact is, someone needs to be rescued and the event surrounding this process just might be a rescue. It’s not your job to rescue your spouse and it’s not your spouse’s job to rescue you. However, they will help in the process if both parties are amicable and able. It’s a big IF.

Many of you who belong to our blog subscriber list and visit the blog are not believers in Christ. No shame here. I get it. I haven’t always believed either. However, if I’m being honest, one of my all-time favorite scriptures is found in Psalm 18:19:

He rescued me because He delighted in me.

Only God could delight in me, though I was acting like a total bastard and anything other than his child. His rescue of me was painful, embarrassing and downright agonizing at times. But it was in fact, a rescue.  Is your process a rescue? Perhaps looking at it with a different approach and mindset may change the way you see it? 

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Agreed.

Thanks for your regular posts, Samuel. As the hurt spouse, I wanted to chime in to agree with what you've said. This was absolutely a rescue for me. I spent so much of my life afraid, proud, concerned with what others thought of me, and stuck. As painful as this experience has been, it's been a tremendous period of growth for me. God has used this trial by fire to strip away every part of my identity that was distracting me from Him. I lost my husband, my dignity, my security, my job, my intelligence... every part of my identity died until all that was left was who I am in Christ. And now, slowly, some of those things are being added back (no faster than I can handle, I'm sure). Though the road is still unbelievably hard, I can honestly say that I am so much happier with who I am today. I'm closer to God than I ever imagined possible. I'm wiser. I'm braver. I'm kinder.

For those who have been recently hurt (or who recently did the hurting), you may be rolling your eyes at my response here. And I get it. But I want to let you know that you can find purpose in this. For you and for others. I didn't start this journey with any special strength; in fact, I was tormented with nearly constant thoughts of suicide and hopelessness for a long time. This is the verse that often stopped me: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today" (Gen 50:20). And now, just 10 months later, I can confidently say that at least one life was saved and many more changed because of what we've gone through (not counting my own).

So, there you have it, a "yes" vote from the hurt spouse who isn't actually that far out from DDay. It can be a rescue.... IF you let it.

different way of thinking

This is a very different way of thinking about things. I am not sure I am quite there yet. I am the unfaithful one and really I took something that was pretty good and destroyed it with my actions of infidelity. But I think I also needed rescuing from myself.
In some ways I was not true to myself in my marriage. I was not truly honest with my spouse and I did not share with him the inner workings of my mind. So I built assumption on assumption about what he was thinking and built up how I was with him without doing him the decency of checking it with him.
So then someone came along and presented me with a different way of looking at myself and it was liberating in many ways if I am honest. There was much that was false about my affair but there were some elements to it and the ability to show a different side of myself was one.
Of course I am not trying to justify the affair - there is no justification for what I did but I can see that I had limited my ability to "be myself" with my spouse so it provided an outet for "being myself". Ulimately it was a false thing and I should never have let that happen.
But now - as we work through recovery - we are not recovering to a better place. I am still unable to "be myself" because I live in fear that he will leave me.So I tiptoe around metaphorically speaking and try to do my best but I feel beaten down and scared.
I am not sure we can be rescued any more

sadcheater...beaten down

hi there. i get it...i really do. stuffing it down, and pretending, but I have to tell you, in many ways you're a bit of a ticking time bomb my friend. what's there is going to stay there unless addressed and tapped into. i would highly HIGHLY encourage you to look at the hope for healing course on the site. it's exceptional and just for the unfaithful. it helped me understand what the truth was and what I was dealing with, which then spilled over into interaction with samantha. it was eye opening and i felt like the clouds parted and i could see clearly. it has also helped me stay clear of significant relapse as well. tiptoeing around is hugely dangerous, and you're not yourself. someone will tap into that again, and bring it out of you. white knuckling it as they say just won't work. the issues are too tough. if you know you're not recovering ot a better place, you're rolling the dice and i'd hate to see you come up short. there is a better way, and there is better hope for you both, but it won't 'just happen.' we knew that. we had an awareness that we needed to get to the bottom of both of our issues. there is still hope to be rescued. this conversation is part of it, rescuing you from you, and rescuing him from himself. but you won't get there on your own at any level. you need help friend. THE RIGHT KIND OF EXPERT HELP, NOT JUST ANY HELP.
I hope this comes across supportive,. but at this point, you have very little to lose as you're already in a tough spot, so take a giant leap and look at hope for healing so you can gain some ground in this fight you're in. i'm here for you in any way i can.

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