Survivors Blog: 

Samuel

At some point, we have to look at the circumstances of our disclosure, exposure, or confession as a rescue. I will tell you, and Samantha will ecstatically echo, that my having to come clean about my affair was in fact one of the greatest rescues in my life. I hope and pray there is not another need to rescue me in that way ever again. I was on a crash course towards hurting more and more people emotionally and wanting more and more control. Samantha was on her own crash course of bitterness and resentment which continued to feed the hopelessness she seemed to be enveloped in. When I was threatened and had to come clean, I didn’t see it as a rescue. I saw it as a total, colossal failure of incredible proportions. And, sadly, it was that. But it was also a rescue from where we were heading and it was a rescue and redemption of my life. I’m forever mindful of how much worse it could have gone. Each day I’m still married and living in the same house, I’m soberly reminded of how awe inspiring our lives are, as is Samantha. What if the trauma you’re facing is truly a rescue? I’m quite sure the unfaithful spouse coming clean, or having to come clean, is being rescued. Rescued from what could be, from where they are heading and from where your marriage is heading. Some of you probably didn’t think you were needing to be rescued and all seemed fine, only to realize your biggest nightmare. The fact is, someone needs to be rescued and the event surrounding this process just might be a rescue. It’s not your job to rescue your spouse and it’s not your spouse’s job to rescue you. However, they will help in the process if both parties are amicable and able. It’s a big IF. Many of you who belong to our blog subscriber list and visit the blog are not believers in Christ. No shame here. I get it. I haven’t always believed either. However, if I’m being honest, one of my all-time favorite scriptures is found in Psalm 18:19: He rescued me because He delighted in me. Only God could delight in me, though I was acting like a total bastard and anything other than his child. His rescue of me was painful, embarrassing and downright agonizing at times. But it was in fact, a rescue.  Is your process a rescue? Perhaps looking at it with a different approach and mindset may change the way you see it? 

If there is one universal emotion associated with infidelity, it has to be sadness to the point of grief. However, second place goes to anger. For some it’s a flooding anger which spills over into inconsolable rage and even hate as we talked about last time. For others, it’s hostility towards their mate, the affair partner and often times themselves for various reasons.   Anger is a part of life. It can be used as a defense mechanism when danger is close, or it can be a manifestation of love and concern which prompts anger to be part of the defending process of a loved one. A deeper exploration reveals that anger is almost always a secondary emotion and is actually rooted in being hurt, violated or betrayed. In infidelity’s case, all of the above apply. When we’re angry, it’s usually because we’re feeling hurt or rejected. What I’m referring to though, is a bit deeper and more complicated. When we’re angry at our spouse and we flood, our anger becomes a thief. It can steal our ability to think clearly and process what our spouse is saying, doing, or trying to do. It often times completely diminishes our ability (which is already strained) to be objective and hear what they are saying to us. We have allowed anger to steal our peace, our security and our ability to see clearly. When a betrayed spouse is triggered, it literally takes 1/200th of a second to flood and typically that flood is filled with anger and hostility and even some acting out. Now, I get that anger is necessary at times. Samantha was angry. Any betrayed spouse has a right to be angry. But there does come a point when we need to look at our anger and ask ourselves what it’s stealing from us and what it’s preventing us from doing, seeing, or healing from. If we’re allowing our anger to dictate what we do or say or choices we’re making, it’s stealing from us. If we’re angry at what’s happened, we should be. If we’re angry at the state of our life, we should be. But for how long and at what cost? Make no mistake about it, as we allow anger to dictate recovery or the process of recovery, it attempts to steal from us and even steal from our spouse. In my own life, when I allow my anger to rule the situation, I have begun to see where I’m losing and allowing myself to be taken advantage of. As I said last week, anger boomerangs. While anger has a place in the grand scheme of things, I wonder if we aren’t letting anger steal from us after a while and if it isn’t time to allow forgiveness to diffuse the anger we’re living with?   

Webster’s dictionary defines hate as: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury When Samantha and I share at speaking engagements, she almost always shares about how she really found herself hating me early in the recovery process. (I make sure she says that too, since so many betrayed female spouses attest to feeling the same ‘temporary’ hatred towards their mates.) I don’t remember her ever saying that to me, but when she shared her story for the first time on the site, she stated emphatically that she felt that way. I was healthy enough to not have it shake me the way it would have early on if I had heard that, but I really did understand what she was saying. I had actual feelings of hatred for her too during the marriage and double life I was living. You too may have these same feelings of hatred towards your spouse. My suspicion though is that hate is due to being injured or hurt and is fueled by both unforgiveness and a lack of ability to wrap your mind around the collective trauma of what he or she has done to you. At some level, it’s normal and part of the process. Everyone goes through an anger stage, but not everyone goes through a ‘hatred phase.’ (Note: Please do not email me about how unloving or unproductive hate is. Everyone’s journey is different and this is a community built around safety and respect, so please withhold judgment and condemnation.) If my wife Samantha felt it I’m quite sure many of you are either feeling it or have felt it. Samantha was such a caged woman and because of our dysfunctional lifestyle she had to give herself permission to be angry and hate me in an effort to get through the season of life she was in. We both walked through this temporary hate we had for each other and the perceived unwillingness to fulfill the other’s needs and care for each other the way we so desperately wanted and expected. If you too are struggling with what I call “temporary hatred” here is how we walked out of it: 1.       Forgiveness. To love for any length of time means to be able to forgive. As Rick always says, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. To continue in resentment will only exacerbate the pain and hurt inside of you and continue to complicate the entire process of recovery. To forgive means to release your mate of their deserved consequences, realizing we are all capable of unspeakable atrocities and that you are willing to no longer hold it against them. It doesn’t mean trusting them again, or even saving the marriage. But the only way you’ll overcome this hate is to forgive them from your heart. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. 2.       Realize forgiveness has layers. It’s almost never a one-time thing. The process (and again I stress the word process) requires forgiving your mate again and again for the new depths of pain that you encounter as you explore the trauma in your heart due to their actions. It will take time and it will be a necessity if any amount of true healing is to occur.    3.       Get help from a trusted source on forgiveness. Preferably someone who has been through infidelity before and found that same genuine forgiveness. The program here on the site called Harboring Hope is exceptional and will help you find forgiveness, and prolong its effects. It’s not uncommon that every once in a while you will tap into another layer of bitterness or resentment that you were unaware of, or thought you had already dealt with. It doesn’t mean you’re not healed, but going deeper in your healing. All past growth is not lost, but you are finding a new area, or a deeper area, that may need further forgiveness and mercy in order to obtain a new level of healing. 4.       Do not exercise cheap forgiveness. It’s not alright they cheated. It’s not acceptable to be cheated on or tossed aside for someone else. However, forgiveness is not about reentering the relationship too quickly, but is more about gaining the proper perspective you need to see things clearly. You’ll need to be angry. You’ll need to get in touch with that anger and use it as a source to get out of bed sometimes. But eventually anger boomerangs and you don’t want to live with that kind of pain for too long.  

Initially, when infidelity is discovered, life is thrown upside down. Jobs and careers are sometimes lost, families are rocked like never before, children are disoriented, the trauma ensues and all you’ve ever known seems a million miles away. It’s in many ways just like death, although there are wilful choices involved which make infidelity worse. It’s like leaving all you’ve ever known or understood and being launched suddenly into the wilderness of insecurity, uncertainty and disillusionment - without a map, no water, no food, and like you’re about to suffocate every step you take. In this wilderness there are beasts that roam throughout the territory as well. Whether it is beasts of outright rage or hopelessness, or the best of depression, they roam with free abandon. If you’re not guarded they will overtake you and overtake your situation with the hopes of causing even more collateral damage. Beasts look for prey, and when you least expect it these beasts are larger than you’ve ever imagined and are more elaborate and cunning than what you have experienced heretofore. To think you can suck it up and self-navigate is not only dangerous for you, but it puts at risk all those who are on the trail with you. Make no mistake; you’re not the only one on this trail.   I’m more convinced than ever before that without a tour guide and without remaining on the trail, you’ll more than likely get eaten alive or remain walking in the wilderness for years. I’m fortunate enough to work with hundreds of couples every year and it’s not uncommon to see some couples stuck in their recovery with little to no progress for years at a time. Call it codependency, or call it incredible patience, but at the core of these struggling recoveries remains the painful reality that things are not what they could be or should be. The wreckage is obvious and the pain is ongoing. The trail you utilize to get out of the wilderness is not a guarantee, but is one of the most reliable tools you can use to get out. Those who have never had to find their way out of the wilderness are not going to be helpful. Often times, these trail guides will help you get more and more lost, camping out in the wilderness believing that this is normal when it’s backwards and only reinforcing the hopelessness you are trying to escape from. Please don’t think that finding the right tour guide will make all your problems disappear. Not at all. You still need to walk, sometimes run through the wilderness. You or your spouse most likely did not end up in this wilderness overnight, and it will not be fixed or remedied without having to navigate through some very tough terrain, wild rivers and enemy camps. It’s also not uncommon that there are multiple wildernesses. For example, you may conquer the wilderness of forgiveness and reconnection, but then have to navigate through the wilderness of triggers and intrusive thoughts. Both spouses may have to navigate these reminders with great dedication to the trail and trail guide. It’s been eight years. We are navigating a new wilderness in life, which although does not relate to infidelity, what we’ve learned through that devastating wilderness is helping us navigate through the newest one.  God never wastes our sorrows friend. NEVER. Stay on the right trail, with the right trail guide and keep going forward.  

“The affair is just a symptom of deeper issues.” I’ve heard that statement about a thousand times, and I’ve only heard it from the unfaithful spouse, never the betrayed spouse. I’ve heard it so many times that when I’m working with a couple now and I hear the unfaithful say it, I almost laugh out loud at it, as I know what’s coming before they finish the sentence. The reality is it just may be that: a symptom of deeper issues. The problem is, it’s more times than not, far deeper issues within the unfaithful spouse, not the betrayed spouse or the marriage. We have affairs because we are unhealthy and do not handle our marital or personal issues the right way, and give ourselves to another person (or one night stands, or porn, or strip clubs, etc.) in an effort to escape or cope, rather than doing what is right, healthy and appropriate. The addiction, or the affair, is a symptom of a deeper dysfunction inside us, the unfaithful, that must be addressed by an expert or it’s only going to get worse. To say the affair is ‘merely’ a symptom of deeper issues infuriates the betrayed spouse as there is no humility or ownership of the affair, just an excusing away of it and a minimization of its effects upon the betrayed spouse. It’s like what the unfaithful is really saying is “Eh, the marriage has issues, so I did what anyone would do. It’s just an affair. If the marriage wasn’t so difficult, or if you didn’t have so many issues, I wouldn’t have done it. It’s your fault it happened.” Again, the main issue here is blaming the affair on the betrayed spouse’s issues, weaknesses or failures rather than owning up to the fact that we blew it and failed morally. While admitting it doesn’t make it OK, it will give you far more mileage in recovery and in the initial stage of recovery with your spouse.  When we blame our spouse for our affairs, or addictive behaviors and the like, we are not safe. Any good therapist, who is an expert in treating these sorts of issues, will tell the betrayed spouse to tread carefully and stay far away from the unfaithful as they are not admitting any responsibility within the affair or betrayal.  It will then be very hard to gain any ground and see any substantial transformation to the marriage or darkness inside the unfaithful spouse. Sure, without question the betrayed spouse may have issues. I’m sure both of you do, as no one is perfect in the marriage. However, to say that you going outside the marriage to engage in some form of erotic behavior (either physical and/or emotional) is merely some symptom of deeper issues which then excuses your behavior and infidelity, will only exacerbate the situation further and communicate blame to the betrayed. There is a better way my friends.  

Early on in recovery, life is simple to describe: chaotic. Emotions are all over the map, wounds are fresh and open, and vulnerability is at an all-time high. The slightest conversation can turn toxic in one-two hundredth of a second. Trying to find any form of stability seems next to impossible. One day things seem hopeful and peaceful and everyone seems amicable. The next day, anger and flooding take hold and the future of the entire marriage and family seems at risk. It’s enough to push either spouse over the edge. It’s much easier to wallow in despair and hopelessness than it is to believe that somehow things are going to be OK. Our stability early on was our kids. Yes, I was a pastor, but I couldn’t find God anywhere it seemed. I was in a haze of condemnation and despair and surrounded by people who all of a sudden hated me upon finding out about my failures. When D Day hit, my youngest was 5 weeks old and a bit of a handful (especially considering Samantha’s trauma), and our other two were 5 and 4 and relatively manageable. We had passes to an amusement park nearby, so about three days a week, the kids and I would retreat to the amusement park to simply give Samantha space. However, I had been to that same amusement park what seemed like thousands of times with the kids and my affair partner, so it wasn’t much of a safe haven for Samantha. We had lost all but maybe three of Samantha’s friends and I had lost literally all of mine but one, and he was still reticent to talk to me much at all. To say we were lonely and isolated is to put it lightly. We had to find a routine to make it through the days and weeks if there was going to be any stability. I’m sure many of you feel the same way and are trying to make it, and perhaps I can give you some insight on what began to work for us and for many others who are in this particular phase of early trauma. 1.       We rallied around the kids. We both loved them, and let’s face it, early on, we were pursuing recovery for the kids. It’s not what kept us going, but it’s what launched us into pursuing the marriage. I was with them as much as I could be and Samantha would read to them and sit with them as much as possible. (This is easier with younger kids, I know.) Many say don’t use the kids, but in a jovial way, I say use the kids as much as you can. Use them to remind you why you got married. Use them to remind you how many wonderful times you’ve had with your spouse. Use the kids to remind you that this marriage is not just about you or your spouse. 2.       Try and establish a bit of a routine to rally behind. For me it was starting the day feeding the kids, then putting on a TV show or DVD for them and reading the Bible or other books I found to be helpful. I would also journal to start my day. Soon after I would clean the kitchen as a cathartic way to manage my thoughts.   3.       I would then ask Samantha an important question, almost every morning: “What do you need from me today?” She would then let me know things like going to the store, or giving her space, or cleaning the house, or taking the kids away for several hours. She felt better knowing that at a certain time I would be leaving so she could take some deep breaths while I was gone and either continue to grieve, call one of her friends, or simply sleep and feed the youngest. 4.       I had immediately resigned from my position, so I was out of work. Some days I would look for work, or try and formulate a plan for how I was going to move forward in a new career. It was a bit overwhelming, so I had to go slow and take breaks to do something else to ward off hopelessness and shame. 5.       Both Samantha and I each had one person who was safe. They didn’t give us advice, or direction, but just comfort and encouragement. You’ll need at least one same sex person to talk to that can simply hear you out. Eventually they will need to be able to call you out on some things, but for now, they simply need to help you feel safe and heard. It will most likely be too early to vent to your spouse, but you can vent to your friend who will hear you out, but NOT give advice or direction. 6.       You’ll need to get into a process of recovery. If you haven’t seen the programs AR has here, you can review them here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses. It’s absolutely vital you get into a process which can help take the lead for you and your spouse’s recovery. I hate to be controversial, but typically just finding a counselor will not be enough or even effective unless they have been through infidelity themselves and are experts.  

When Rick told Samantha, “You don’t need trust to move forward, you need safety,” Samantha was stunned. She hadn’t heard that from anyone and it was a bit of a foreign concept to her. After all, I had blown apart any fabric of trust she once had in me. After a two year affair, endless amounts of attempts to cover it up, and a horrid lifestyle to boot, trust was obliterated. One of the only friends I had left even said to me, “I certainly don’t trust you, but I love you.” Samantha certainly didn’t trust me, and wasn’t sure she even loved me anymore either. But Rick had the boldness and brilliance to say “You don’t need trust to move forward, you need safety.” Safety is the process by which couples can gain ground and move forward, though the future is uncertain. In fact, restoration is dependent upon safety. Safety is actually determined by the attitude of the unfaithful spouse and their particular approach /response to the exposure of the affair, the betrayed spouse, and the climate in which they are now surrounded. Trust can be replaced for a season by open, honest and empathetic communication about each other’s hurts, pain and insecurities. If it’s done with compassion and love (acting in the best interest of another), safety can be used as a stepping stone to trust being reestablished further down the road. It doesn’t mean, however, that when trust isn’t there you live in purgatory, but with safety measures and precaution being utilized in a new lifestyle of awareness and recovery. After all, trusting too early can put both the marriage and the unfaithful spouse at risk for relapse or further collateral damage. Their own efforts (including mine) were not strong enough to prevent infidelity in the first place, and I’m quite sure their own efforts won’t be strong enough to prevent it from happening again. Yes, even if they “really, really, really mean it this time” (a quote from a spouse I spoke with just yesterday). Falsely assuming that the institution of marriage will naturally keep our spouse from cheating is not only naive, it’s insufficient to do so. Marriages become even more at risk, along with recovery, when we assume our spouse will naturally gravitate towards being faithful or managing their own recovery early on. There will need to be a reprogramming over time, which if done right, will then also reestablish trust for the betrayed spouse. I say it this way: time + consistency + a proven process of restoration will = trust being reestablished.  A healthy distrust of our own efforts (as an unfaithful spouse) may also be a keen aspect of humility moving forward after our infidelity has been exposed. Maybe the focus right now needs to be on making the relationship safe. Perhaps there are new methods of communication which you and your spouse can use to help alleviate each other’s fears, worries, misunderstandings or inadequacies. 

Lately things have been rather challenging to say the least. There’s been far more frustration and far more disappointment than I care to itemize or re-live. Such is life I know, and anyone reading this blog for perspective and insight will attest to life being less than perfect right now. Last night Samantha and I were lying down just talking through the day and life and all the recent developments. It struck me to remember how much we’ve come through in our marriage and in our recovery. It grieved me with how easily I can forget all that’s transpired and be paralyzed by fear in an instant. Something inside of me is still painfully fragile. After all we’ve been through, all we’ve survived, all that God has allowed us to overcome and triumph over, I should be fearless. Absolutely fearless. Most days I’m just not. I’m worried about issues with the kids, I’m worried about how we’re going to pay for this bill and how we’re going to pay for college and retirement, you name it. I know most of you can all relate to the worries and fears I’m describing.   However, this morning I’ve come to remember just how much we’ve come through. I’ve been remembering the dark times I’ve had to push through and reach out for God’s mercy, God’s direction and His grace. I remembered a quote I heard not too long ago: “Don’t let yourself drown in this puddle of water, when you’ve already come through a sea of trauma.” Some of you are in a sea of trauma and pain. As you walk through it, and as you persevere, you’ll one day be in a puddle and remember the sea. You’ll have to choose to not let the puddle of water drown you, and you’ll have to draw upon the same grace, mercy and perseverance to push through what seems so infinitesimal compared to the nightmare you’ve already endured. You can do it today.  God is not done with you or your story. 

Upon disclosure of my affair, I was nowhere near healthy enough to own all of my failures, shortcomings and overall selfishness. Samantha was more than patient with me, although I was still practically paralyzed and stuck in blaming mode to justify my two year affair and endless amount of indiscretions. As I alluded in the previous blog (Stuffing It Down: Avoidance), we stuffed and avoided conflict left and right. I also blamed Samantha for my affair and for what I perceived as perpetually rejecting me.  My blaming mentality was more of a way that I handled the conflict internally, and though I had several discussions with my affair partner about life and marriage, I didn’t talk too much to her about Samantha’s shortcomings as I knew my affair partner would only echo my personal feelings. Keep in mind, any talk was enough to be qualified as humiliating and a violation of Samantha’s privacy. Another caveat to the equation was my affair partner was best friends with Samantha, so my affair was a double betrayal: first by me then by her best friend. Venturing into the waters of blame allowed me to stuff down even my own exploration of my personal issues. Rather than understand why I felt the way I felt, wanted what I wanted in marriage or in life, or had the patterns of reaction and rejection I had, I simply used Samantha as a scapegoat to my duplicity in life. She was the reason I was cheating. She was the reason I was experiencing the conflict I was feeling in life. She was the reason that I needed to get my needs met outside the home and be happy elsewhere. After all, my kids made me happy, my job made me happy, my church made me happy, my affair partner certainly made me happy; why couldn’t she make me happy to? (Notice the trend there: me, me, me. Totally focused on my “happiness.”) The confusion and deception comes in for those who, like me, cannot see through the reality that while my spouse certainly has issues, my spouse is never responsible for my poor choices. The simple truth that they are human beings proves they are not perfect. They have vulnerabilities and weaknesses and struggles and bad habits. To be angry they are not perfect, and assume that we in turn are the righteous and perfect ones, is not only prideful but deceptive and outright delusional. They do have issues, but blaming our failures on their inadequacies will never work. Claiming, “I know I’m not perfect either, BUT….” only reveals the lack of empathy we have in life and in marriage. Our blaming is therefore dangerous as it only serves as a complicated encryption to prevent our spouse from seeing how hurt and confused we really are.  Blaming only intensifies the deception and drives the knife in deeper in our spouse. Both of you are married to imperfect beings who have made mistakes and have wounded you, but only one of you (typically) has an affair. So tell me, where does blame really get you?

It’s been 8 years since “D-Day.” (disclosure)  It’s not uncommon that when I’m talking to a couple in crisis or sharing my story, someone will eventually ask me one of the following questions: “Is it really that good, I mean, doesn’t she hold it over your head?” “Aren’t you still a doormat?” “Do you ever really get over it?” “Are you still glad you saved your marriage?” “Was it really worth it?” Yes.  I’m thrilled we saved our marriage.  She does NOT hold it over my head.  It’s very good, better than I ever thought imaginable.  You’re never really ‘over it’ in some cavalier, ‘pretend it never happened’ kind of way.  Although by the 2nd year we had gained so much momentum in recovery, we knew we were never going back and we were going to come out on the other side.  I always say this to couples or individuals who are just starting out in recovery:  The quality of your restoration is at some level directly proportionate to the methods you use to pursue that restoration.   If you try and short cut it, you won’t get the results or healing you need.  If you try and rush it, you’ll blow up. If you’ll trust the right process and right people, and both of you are committed to putting the process to work, you can heal and experience restoration the likes of which seems impossible. Yes the reminders stop. Yes, your spouse can get it and be extremely empathetic towards you and the situation. Yes, the betrayed spouse can get to a place of healing and owning their faults and struggles as well.  And yes, you can see healing to the areas which you may feel caused the affair(s) in the first place.  If you saw Samantha and I talking or hanging out, you’d never know what we’ve been through. I credit these reasons (though not exhaustive): The incredible Grace of God. Samantha’s humility, compassion, forgiveness and love for me and the kids. Rick Reynolds and the EMS Weekend/aftercare program. Healing is possible. Restoration is attainable.  We live a very normal life and infidelity is only on our radar as we help so many couples walk through the process.  If I were to do something stupid, then sure it brings Samantha back to the hurt and pain of it all.  Yes there are songs we don’t listen to if they show up on the radio, and we don’t talk too often about the affair partner, but we don’t need to.  We’ve told our stories a few times to churches or healing groups, and several couples, but there is incredible hope that you and your spouse can find healing and true peace that probably seems unattainable today.  It’s not a guarantee, but there aren’t many in life.   I share this with you today as I know many of you find this blog looking for hope. I pray you find some tangible hope today and hear with great conviction, though marriage and life are not anywhere near perfect at any time, restoration is a possible experience and far richer than a mere blog can describe.  I hope you’ll get the best help you can get, and stay true to the process.  There will always be residue, but residue which only reminds us of what we came out of and what we choose to never experience again.

For years in my marriage, I was a bit of a bully.  I would push Samantha to do things, or use manipulative tactics to get her to do what was part of my agenda.  I’d also bully her into doing what I felt was best for our family, our marriage, or our finances.    When my affair was exposed much of the bullying stopped, though only temporarily.  I still reverted back to old ways of trying to hurry her (i.e. bully her) into healing faster, getting over it, stop talking about it or fixating on every small detail.  I figured my ability to persuade her would get her to move quickly, but she didn’t.  She wanted to separate and then see what would come of things after she had a chance to clear her head. For once, Samantha decided it was time to stand her ground and not be bullied by me.  I was frustrated that I wasn’t able to get her to let go of the idea of separating, and that (early on) I wasn’t able to get her to stop talking about the affair.  I didn’t see it as bullying her, as much as I saw it as leading her and leading her recovery.  After all, I was in charge of it all right?  My cluelessness was abounding to say the least.  Who was I to lead her recovery when I had been a complete lunatic for over two years?  How could I be what she needed as the leader of recovery and sanity when I wasn’t healthy myself, and had no accurate picture of what marriage needed to look like, let alone recovery from infidelity? The ship turned when Samantha decided I was no longer in charge.  Sure I was the head of the home, but the head was sick and had been exposed as a liar for a few years.  Though I was still honored by Samantha in the best way she could muster at the time, she let me know I didn’t get to set the agenda for our recovery and I was not in charge of what things were going to look like.  The bully had been unseated from his throne.  I was angry, and yes I was hurt, and no one seemed to care; especially not Samantha.   This was the turning point in our marriage and in our recovery process:  when Samantha decided it was time to take a stand and to no longer be a prisoner to my bullying tactics.  It was also time to effuse to be bullied and pushed to do something or take some course of action, and when my advice was not heeded, I would sulk or feel rejection.  She wasn’t having any of it. It was time for her to rise above what was the normal state of affairs for our marriage.  It was really quite brilliant.  She didn’t endeavor to be in charge or take my position, but she refused to let me take that lead in our recovery (something I knew absolutely nothing about it the first place).  I felt somewhat honored, but I didn’t feel followed.  It was time for outside help.  Rick, and a couple who had been through it before, became a focal point of leadership in our lives, our recovery and our marital transition.  For a short season of time, I ran almost everything of importance by Rick and our friends.  Thank God for all of them.  I couldn’t bully any of them, and if they felt like I was bullying them or trying to work around what they were saying, they were quick to call me on it.  We desperately needed a change and we desperately needed reprogramming. I needed to learn how my bullying was damaging Samantha far more than I was aware of, and even more than she was aware of.  As she ventured out into her own recovery process, she became in touch with her own anger towards me for bullying and pushing her.  It was a journey indeed of forgiveness and healing we both reaped the benefits of.  If you’re a betrayed spouse and you feel as though you are not sure how to turn the ship, consider healthy but stern consequences to your spouse’s behavior.  Consider how to implement some strong consequences which will communicate that if he or she does not change, they will reap the short term consequences. 

Almost 20 years of marriage has taught Samantha and me that we are both stuffers. We both hate conflict for different reasons and are avoiders. I hate conflict because I really just want life to be free flowing and I have enough stress to manage in life with bills, kids and responsibilities. Samantha hates conflict because it isn’t her forte, and stirs within her feelings of insecurity.   I’m quite sure the beginning stages of my moral failure was directly due to Samantha and I stuffing down our needs, desires and overall feelings in marriage and in life. Samantha and I were each facing our own issues and inadequacies, and we both were busy making a living and raising a family. From hurt feelings, misunderstandings, judgments and unmet expectations, marriage is a hot bed for conflict avoidance. We just wanted to be happy. That “happiness” however came with a price: we gave up open and honest dialogue where we could both felt validated and understood. We didn’t have the type of communication where neither of us had to retreat to our own corner of shame, where we could simply hear what the other was saying, and where we didn’t try to fix it, but took it all in and affirmed one another with unconditional love. We avoided processing and talking and stuffed it down, only to see both of us fall prey to the pressure building up within. I’m convinced the stuffing and avoiding of issues slowly but surely turns to bitterness and resentment. This is a cancer that eats away not only at our spouse, but at our own selves and our opinions of our spouse. It taints our ability to see things objectively and causes us to deceive ourselves about truth, empathy and pride in our marriage. The outcome is a potential sea of self-deception which can lead to infidelity and a desire to get our needs met somewhere, anywhere.  It can also lead the betrayed spouse to feel more than justified in their bitterness, unforgiveness and desire to punish their spouse. It’s a no-win situation for both parties. The answer is an open and honest, guided dialogue which can help foster forgiveness, clarity and restoration between both spouses. Without this controlled dialogue within the containment of experts who can help you navigate the road of restoration, the whole system breaks down and couples usually get nowhere. It’s not uncommon to see couples experience exhaustion and give up on the marriage not because of the infidelity itself, but the collateral damage due to never being able to gain ground, establish new momentum or ultimately find hope that redemptive and purposeful communication can be accomplished. The infidelity is long gone in the rearview mirror, yet the present anger and hurt and frustration foster tangible hopelessness.  While normal, the cycle of failure and frustration can be broken my friends, it really can. For ideas on breaking the cycle feel free to email me at [email protected] or leave a comment here.

The interesting thing about blaming your spouse for your affair or addiction is how it is so empowering.  When you blame your spouse, you take any and all pressure off yourself and lay the fault on your spouse and their actions or inactions. It empowers you to believe, “I need to get my needs met.  I mean, shoot, my spouse doesn’t seem to care about my sexual needs,” or “She/He’s never happy anyway. I’m one big failure to them and if they would do their job, I would do my job. So you know what, I might as well get my needs met and be happy.”   Blaming your spouse for your affair simply empowers the dysfunction and self-deception inside you.  It removes any personal responsibility for your actions and keeps you an immature 7 year old emotionally, as we respond to anything with, “well, they made me do it.”  We learn early on in middle school that no one makes us do anything.  We choose to do what we do, and there are consequences to our actions. With infidelity however, we retreat away from owning our failures, as we usually are not healthy enough to own our choices, take responsibility for them and then deal with the consequences.  We’d rather hide in our shame and our guilt and push away any sort of accountability.  This is not new in life and this is more an observation in human nature which is magnified when it comes to an infidelity specific situation.    As blame continues to empower us to increasing amounts of deception, we run further and further away from truth, clarity and an honest understanding of what is happening in us and around us.  More than just our own pain and hurt, we are immune to any true coherent understanding of the suffering our spouse is enduring due to our blindness and blame.  When we utilize blame as a numbing device, we become a prisoner of our own doing, a victim of our own transgression, locking ourselves further and further away from safety and truth.  The remedy comes when someone is able to penetrate the dysfunction within us.  It’s not overnight.  It’s a process.  A systematic process which will bring light to the dark prison of blame and justification.  Typically the betrayed spouse does not hold the keys to the jail cell, and will only tighten the lock by accusation, attacking, or reminding them of their horrible choices.  This is where the right help comes in to bring about a redemptive sense of personal responsibility to the equation.  Without an understanding of the need for a process and the understanding of that process, the unfaithful spouse will only revert to using the anger of the betrayed spouse to reinforce the blame they feel toward their spouse.  Only the right help can break the cycle.  

Part of the “why” of my affair (see earlier blog post) was craving the applause of others. I was surrounded by a crowd of people, most of whom adored me and thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. You could say I was addicted to the applause of the congregation and people around me, as well as my affair partner. At home however, I felt like a 4th kid. Samantha has come to grips with this treatment so this post isn’t about how she failed to do her duty. It’s more about how we as men, and as women as well, crave applause. I was celebrated everywhere I went. I had worked hard to earn the admonition and the celebration of a sea of people. The problem was, it was seductive. I had won their devotion, their applause and their affirmation. I was loved and I had worked hard to win that celebratory affection. I had also worked hard at home to win Samantha’s devotion. Though I was a selfish and self-absorbed wrecking ball, I was a wonderful father who worked incredibly hard to love my kids and care for them and provide for them. The truth, though, was somewhere in the middle. I had worked hard to earn Samantha’s devotion, but when I felt rejected or un-affirmed, I would easily quit. When it came to other situations in life or church leadership I would probably press in to the situation and see how I could truly care and love the person who was disconnected or resistant to being cared for. With Samantha, I eventually came to a point that I often times came to with people which was, OK I’ve tried time and time again, now I’m pulling back, “I’m done. “ There is a huge difference between pulling back and having an affair. However, I cannot underscore enough the desire of every spouse to feel applauded for their efforts and their hard work on themselves, the marriage and the family. Though they may have blown their lives up and your lives up, I bet you at some level they crave your applause.  They may deny it. They may marginalize it or trivialize it, but one of the most enticing things about an affair partner is the way(s) they make us feel about ourselves. It’s enticing, it’s riveting, and it’s engulfing. It’s also part of what marriage is supposed to entail, but so desperately comes short to time and time again. Sure, some would say it’s never ending and I get that, but it’s not that simple to just marginalize the need to applaud your spouse, even post affair when recovery methods are in place. It wasn’t long before I finally realized if I had praised Samantha more and not talked so much about her disapproval, we would have enjoyed more life together.   Now, before you send an email saying that your lying, cheating, good for nothing spouse got all the applause they needed, or that they don’t deserve any applause now, I get it. Don’t hit send. What I’d like to suggest is, is there a way you can be more applauding of your spouse, and does the current state of your recovery call for more applause? I guarantee it will HELP prevent relapse and I guarantee it will help he or she to reciprocate with you as well. We are still working hard to implement this in our marriage, at 18 years married and 8 years post affair. I hope it helps you and gives you some insight into another chapter in the unfolding process of recovery for you that are 8 days in, or 8 years plus in. 

So often, a spouse feels forced to make a decision right now on what to do. If you’re a betrayed spouse, it can feel like you need to know what to do right now. If you’re an unfaithful spouse, you can feel overwhelmed and pressured with thoughts of “this is what you need to do, right now.” As any of you know, once friends, family, and surrounding relationships find out about the situation, there is usually no shortage of people who are willing to give advice and tell you what to do. Everyone knows what they will do when infidelity happens, until it actually happens and kids are involved, ten or twenty years of marriage involved, futures are at stake and actual lives are in the balance. Then, what was a sure deal breaker is hesitantly reevaluated. I often tell people, you don’t have to decide right now. Recovery is a process and to borrow a line from John Maxwell, “The power is in the process.” As you get into a proven process you can then make a decision later, AFTER you’ve gotten the help and perspective you need. After all, it’s usually AFTER you have received insight, healing and expert perspective that you can typically see much more clearly than you can probably see right now. Hurt, pain, chaos and uncertainty are blinders in a big way. We just can’t see clearly sometimes, so to make a decision in the midst of the fog and in the midst of the uncertainty of it all can affect your life and your spouse and children’s lives beyond our current comprehension. Take the time and take the methods which are proven to start to formulate a decision. You don’t always have to decide right now, what to do. There is hope. Hope can come in an instant, but the process will evolve and will reveal the hearts of those involved.  That, I assure you. 

Why did he do it? Why did she do it? What made them risk their lives and their family for such a stupid rush? What could propel them to risk it all, for some tramp or some prostitute? Why did they affair-down? Just how deep does the dysfunction and/or addiction really go? I’ve talked to many who have spent months and years, several years actually, trying to find the ‘why’ of the affair(s). From numerous visits to therapists, counselors, pastors, and friends, to endless books, seminars, and retreats, the ‘why’ of it all is a quest all betrayed spouses are on. The good news is: there is a why. There is probably more than one. The bad news is: it will take the right kind of process to discover what it is. The worse news is: it will never be a some cavalier, trite, one sentence explanation. A bit of even worse news is if the unfaithful spouse cannot share why he or she had the affair, I hate to say it, but relapse is probably in the very near future and they may not be safe right now. It’s been 8 years, and the ‘whys’ of my affair have become more and more clear. It’s not a one sentence answer, and anyone that has a one sentence answer is probably not safe. Here’s some of my why: I was addicted to the applause of others outside my home. Outside my house, and on stage, I was treated like a hero. In my home, I felt like a fourth kid who could never do anything right, or ever do enough. I was insecure and at the right time, the right woman came along and I was ripe for disaster. I was so self-absorbed, I thought the world revolved around me and had no clue what maturity was and what being a father and husband really looked like. Samantha had some personal dysfunction that had to be addressed as well. Six sentences. It’s taken more tears than I care to itemize, and more money than I care to remember, and more collaboration with Samantha than I could display on any chart, to get those six sentences. It doesn’t encompass it all, but it does narrow down much of the ‘why’ of my affair. I blame myself more than anyone and Samantha would agree with all of those six sentences. All of them. Even her own. The process we utilized literally saved my life, and saved our marriage. The why will take time and will be a byproduct of the recovery methods you utilize. If the unfaithful spouse cannot tell you why, with some pin pointed accuracy and wisdom from someone besides themselves, danger is on the horizon. If you are in a process of recovery and the lights are not slowly but surely coming on for both spouses, I’d caution you to re-evaluate either the methods you are using, or the commitment by either spouse. The why is essential to both spouse’s recovery. For some it seems they can never know enough, they can never stop digging for more answers, more reasons, more motives. For others they prefer to shroud themselves in the darkness of knowing nothing and pretend it didn’t happen. The answer for many lies in the middle. Knowing enough to prevent relapse, while also knowing when to stop digging to be at peace with what has happened. Allowing the why to become an idol will only create paralysis and frustration. Trust the process, dump the methods that don’t work and find new ones, and get help to find out the why’s. They are there if you use the right methods to uncover them.

The beginning stages of recovery after what we call “D Day” (discovery day) are touchy at best.  The shock and awe of it all is more than you can fathom unless you’re in the middle of it now, or have passed through its borders.  When Samantha and I went through it, it was nothing less than a whirlwind where our entire lives were turned upside down.  While not everyone experiences that sort of public upheaval financially or emotionally, it in no way discounts the overwhelming disarray that the first few days, weeks or months carry.    What are we going to do?  What about the kids?  Is there any hope?   Why don’t they get it?  Is it really over?  Each question carries with it a 10,000 word essay of possibilities, but it’s far too early to make a decision.  It’s like a prize fighter who, when caught the right way with a punch to the head or mouth, becomes immediately stunned.  They are awake, but not awake.  Functioning, but not coherent.  Their whole world is circling around them, but they can’t seem to differentiate which limb should move in which direction to stay upright.  Some will stay on the ropes, some will stumble forward, and some will fall flat on their face.  Whatever their response, looking to the unfaithful at this time for any form of solace or direction will prove more than frustrating and will most likely be dangerous.  If not careful, they will fall face first on top of you, pinning you under their own failure and confusion.  In many ways though, the betrayed can be completely knocked into an entirely different hemisphere of confusion.  It’s at this time that many betrayed spouses look to the stunned unfaithful spouse for direction, guidance, empathy or leadership.  Quite honestly, usually they can’t and they won’t.   The unfaithful is stunned by the ramifications of their choices or the complete chaos that is ensuing around them and in them.  To look to them at this moment to lead recovery efforts, or share intimate thoughts which will give credence to the affair, or concrete definition to the new state of the relationship , will only leave one confused, further betrayed and hopeless.  One of the best things a spouse or couple can do is find a next step which is proven, reliable and specific to infidelity.  It would be wonderful for the unfaithful to take the reins and lead but they usually are far too unhealthy and stunned to lead on their own.  Do you really want the person whose been living a double life and whose been lying and justifying their affair to themselves and to you to be the person who is in charge of recovery and what next steps you take?  I would hope not.  This is not the time to allow them to make all the decisions.   The betrayed usually will find brokenness, humility and true grief in the heart of the unfaithful, once the unfaithful has received proper care from an expert and has fully realized the depth and breadth of their actions.  Then, if true grief over their choices is not unfolding even incrementally, the expert will provide alternative strategy to determine what the next season of personal recovery needs to look like.  That may be a pulling away due to the unfaithful not being safe, or it may be a new season of dedicated exercises and care.  Any good expert will tell you, if there is not some form of grief or awareness of their impact upon you, the betrayed, space may be needed.  This stunned feeling is not an excuse to wallow in pity.  It’s also not an excuse to sojourn here and there, not taking responsibility for their lives and choices, only further perpetuating the pain they have excelled at inflicting.  Sadly, the betrayed usually has to be the one to provide initial consequences and choices of recovery.  However, when the right care is provided, healing no longer appears so illusionary, and recovery and restoration seem obtainable at last.  

The flow of recovery outside of any pathway or established curriculum is usually chaos, and even within those proven pathways are significant wind changes. The up’s the down’s, the back and forth, the uncertainty of what is going on behind the scenes is enough to push you to want to quit, only about every other day. It really does produce a chaotic uncertainty about what each day will look like, or each weekend with the kids will or won’t look like. It may also paint a picture of what the impending separation or divorce will one day feel like and look like. Usually, when someone wants to interrupt the chaos of it all, unless there is a strategy involved, it’s a stubborn move of desperation. It typically is something along the lines of cutting off all communication with their spouse in an attempt to make them chase them, or stonewalling which is really about maintaining control over their spouse and the entire situation which usually is a hurtful, colossal mistake. There is a better way. In many ways it’s such a struggle as you are trying to interrupt the momentum of past choices and behaviors of both spouses and you’re encountering immense resistance to try and find that new healthier pathway. It’s normal. But, as Rick quotes about every day from Albert Einstein “You can’t fix a problem with the same consciousness or approach that caused the problem in the first place.” The momentum of past behaviors, tendencies and coping mechanisms is fierce.  Interrupting that flow if you will, will not prove easy or convenient, but it is possible. Counseling may help if it’s with an expert who has been through infidelity themselves. An EMS Weekend will help and the courses here on the site will also help interrupt the dysfunction. My appeal to you is to recognize the momentum against you is anything but typical or usual. Just doing what you’ve been doing will not prove beneficial at all and will only frustrate you. We’re talking about a lifestyle change and a change in marriage patterns that will most likely necessitate someone standing their ground courageously and strategically with a refusal to sink back into “doing what we’ve always been doing.” It just won’t work. Just yesterday I had to ask someone, “How much frustration and hopelessness is it going to take for you to realize what you’re doing is not working?” What you are probably encountering in your crisis is bigger than just you.  The rest of your life hangs in the balance, and potentially your kids, grandchildren and the second half of your own life. It’s time for something new and something more interruptive than simply doing what seems easiest and most convenient. 

Last week we discussed why “They Can’t Hear You,” but this week I’d like to continue the discussion and touch on why they WON’T hear you. Fact is, your spouse will hear your emotion, but they will not hear your heart or your motives or in some cases even your contrition. For many unfaithful, they justify their affair by lying to themselves reinforcing the thought that they had an affair because their spouse was disapproving, never happy, unsexual and unable to be pleased. What happens next is a huge pitfall for many, and is avoidable but not without a strategy. Typically the unfaithful spouse has had to employ some mechanisms to cope with their behavior and justify their affair to themselves, their spouse, and even others. Eventually, if not careful the betrayed spouse will begin to ask them questions, pursue truth with clarity and details, and will become unhappy. Expectations aren’t met, details are not shared and the process breaks down miserably. Or, the betrayed will try and fix things and attempt to keep the marriage together. Typically the hurt is too much and the betrayed spouse begins to get angry, punish or shame their mate, and now the unfaithful only feels more justified in their affair. As Rick says “Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted,” and the betrayed in many cases is simply transmitting their pain to their spouse, which although feels justifiable, it’s not redemptive in any way. They won’t hear you. They hear your emotion. They hear your anger. But they can’t and won’t hear your heart. They won’t hear your true desire at all, and by raging or by punishing or shaming, the betrayed only reinforces to the unfaithful the justifications they used to have an affair in the first place. It only reinforces their current ambivalence or inability to choose where they want to be. It doesn’t provide the outcome the betrayed so desperately wants, but only caters to the deception and confusion within the unfaithful. Don’t get me wrong, the answer is not to NOT ask questions, or not to try and heal the marriage. It’s just not that simple or easy as doing the opposite. The answer is to place you and your spouse into a ‘place’ which is supportive and provides expert care to help translate what you are saying to your spouse in language that is palatable and plain. This ‘place’ will also help to slowly but surely eradicate the confusion and self-deception within the mind of the unfaithful. Believe me, I know it’s there. Seem too good to be true? It’s exactly what happened with Samantha and I, and although our recovery wasn’t perfect at any rate, it was successful. I could write a thousand blogs on this paradigm as it just about killed us both were it not for Rick and his ability to help us see through the fog. Get help my friends. Not just any help, the right kind of help.

It’s a daily comment I hear from both spouse’s on both sides of the infidelity:  “They won’t hear anything I say.” “They just don’t get it.”  “They don’t respond to anything I say.” In reality, your spouse can’t hear what you’re saying. They may not WANT to hear you, but fact is, objectivity is lost, they have tuned you out and you’ve probably become noise to them. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you have a lens that you see each other through from all the years of marriage prior to the affair.  That lens is thick and when you’re talking, your spouse is seeing you and hearing you through that lens of past behavior, previous actions, hurts, wounds, and resentment. If you’re the unfaithful and you’re trying to get your spouse to hear you, they are not only seeing and hearing you through your past actions but also through your affair.  They have lost trust and the lens is more fogged than you can imagine. Their ears are plugged with hurt and animosity and confusion. They simply cannot hear what you are saying with any objectivity. If you’re the betrayed spouse, trying to get your spouse to ‘get it’ or to respond, will prove more than just frustrating, more like excruciating.  They are trying to hear you but only seeing and hearing you through a very thick lens of shame and resentment and blame.  A majority of what they hear from you is through the lens of justification they use to see everything and anything right now.  There is no objectivity and you won’t be the one to crack the code.   However, in most cases, one or both spouses keep pushing harder.  They talk louder.  It escalates and it escalates, and before you know it one spouse has left, moved out, done something stupid (again) or just plain turned off. They can’t hear you and nothing you can do is going to make them hear you or get it or wake up.  If we’re really stubborn, we don’t believe it and take on a form of a Messiah Complex.  We think we can be the messiah that our spouse needs.  The hero that rides in with a rope to lasso away deception,  justification, stubbornness, pride, and the entire litany of confusion we perceive they are under and lead our spouse into a new pasture of truth and peace.  Unfortunately, the thing is, it’s usually the pasture WE think THEY need and we can’t see everything in perfect objectivity either. It’s the old adage:  there’s your side, their side, and somewhere in the middle, truth exists.  I would highly encourage you to stop trying to make your spouse get it.  Stop trying to get your spouse to wake up and see how right you are and how wrong they are.  Stop trying to get your spouse to see the light, when they just can’t hear you.  They should be able to.  They are supposed to hear you.  They should be malleable and open to your insight.  But they are not, and overpowering them will fail miserably and more than likely do even more damage than what’s already been done. They will need help to get it.  Not just any help, but expert help.  Samantha was never able to hear a word I said in some areas of her life, but Rick was able to touch on them with magnificent grace and precision.  I blocked out what Samantha had to say time and time again.  Yet, with scalpel-like surgery, Rick was able to help me see things in a new light.  When that new light hit my soul and my life, healing came both in an instant and over time. The ground we gained by his help was far more impacting and restoring than we could have ever obtained ourselves. So stop trying to do ti alone, because it simply won’t work.        

The trauma of infidelity is just plain excruciating. There are very few words that adequately describe the pain both spouses endure when bewildered and disillusioned by pain, uncertainty and resentment. Trying to function in everyday life while suffering through crisis can push you to do things you never thought you’d do, say things you never thought you’d say, and think things you never thought you’d think. There are three key ingredients I have found necessary for my own life, but hopefully this can also be helpful for your life: But now faith, hope, love, abide these three  1 Corinthians 13:13 I’d like to take a different approach to “these three” today. I’m sure you’ve found that during profound times of difficulty, cliché’s prove to be empty and nauseating at best. Today I’d like to share with you a quick thought that has given me newfound hope lately. The truth is, many times in life whether dealing with the horror of infidelity or other significant struggles, we have more control over what’s happening in us than what is happening around us. This morning I was thinking through the concept of faith, hope, and love a bit differently and realized I must have faith that God does indeed love me and my marriage and my family, which produces a true hope for my future. It’s this hope that gives me the ability to hold on to proper perspective for my own wellbeing. If I truly have this faith and this hope, it will also spill over into love for my spouse, my family, difficult people in my life, and even the trials I face. It will also produce a greater love in my heart for both God and what He is trying to do in my life through these challenging circumstances. When I see my trial as prompting me to rely on God, it becomes a blessing rather than just a trial. Whenever I find myself relying God, I feel secure and in a good place. I’m a dangerous person when I’m not dependent on grace and provision in life. The reality is, as we grow older we want to need God less and crave autonomy. We just like to not need things and like to be secure on our own. It wounds our pride to admit we need something or someone. When you’re experiencing crisis and uncertainty, we can lose faith that God knows what we need. That will quickly eradicate our hope and then literally strangle the love out of our lives. Today I encourage you to think through where your faith rests today. Is it in your spouse? I hope not, as we learn very quickly in crisis like this, that we cannot hope solely in our spouse to give us what we need. If your hope is in your spouse’s ability to save themselves, fix themselves or come out of the fog on their own, I hope you’ll reconsider that faith. It will only let you down and lengthen the nightmare I’m quite sure you’re living. I’d like to invite you to turn today from the insanity of it all and the sheer hopelessness life wants to give you and pray a simple prayer that will invite God to care for you today: Lord, help my unbelief. As your simple faith grows, hope is born anew and love will be a necessary by-product of the transformational process you give yourself over to. 

In no uncertain terms, recovery will have its moments of agony and extreme frustration. It will not look like you want it to look, and it will not feel like you want it to feel. To say you will wish it will speed up is an understatement. I can remember several times where I just yelled in my car “I just don’t get it……why is this so (bleeping) hard!!???!!??!!” I can remember times of extreme agony at how Samantha and I were stuck for so long, or that every inch of healing and restoration came with a price of extreme frustration, misunderstanding, some yelling and a desire to quit about every week. I hated myself and I hated recovery. Time after time, it was as if there was this poking and prodding to just give up. What could be poked at was poked at. What could be frustrated was frustrated. What could go wrong, went wrong, and went wrong more than once. Then there were money issues, then the kids were sick almost every other week; the heavy things just kept getting heavier. We just wanted to heal. We just wanted our lives back. We just wanted to get moving in the right direction. We just wanted things to work! One Saturday, I had pneumonia and needed Samantha to drive me to urgent care. Since it was a Saturday the fees were going to be more money that we didn’t have. Every parent wonders why kids always feel worse after hours, and fevers always spike when the general doctor’s hours are over. I waited and waited and she seemed to be concerned about everything else and everyone else except me, in my misery. Finally, I just got up from the bed, put flip flops on and a hat and got in the car and drove myself to urgent care speeding down our little quiet street. I remember saying as I drove “I quit….this is too much….I’m waving the white flag. I give up. This is too much, it’s not worth it.” When I got to urgent care I laid on the floor and waited for them to call me back. Yes, the floor. Of an urgent care. I didn’t care anymore. I had reached the height of frustration. I was a spectacle to a room of sick people on a Saturday morning. There was what seemed like several thousand moments of the above story which seemed like tipping point after tipping point of wanting to throw the towel in. But here we are, 8 years later and no one quit. We had every opportunity to quit, but somehow, some way, by the grace of a God (who put up with far more than I ever would have), we didn’t bail. It always seems like it’s not worth it till you get on the other side and realize just how valuable the prize actually is. It was worth every tear, every excruciation, and every cuss word (and we them freely, believe me). Here are a few quick, pointed observations about the frustrations of recovery. 1.       Whatever needs to be poked at, will somehow be poked at. If you want to heal and if you want to be restored, the underlying issues you don’t want to confront will have to be addressed. If you don’t address them, they will still rule you and rule the situation. 2.       If there is a backdoor (meaning some secret way out you’ve tucked away in the back of your mind. Somewhere else to turn if this doesn’t go as planned, a Plan B) you will feel catapulted towards it. It’s easy, it feels safe, but trust me when I say it is not. Give it 90 days and weld the back door shut. If you have a back door or an ‘out’ you’ll always go to it. But if you mentally and emotionally commit to not going through any back door for a short, definitive amount of time, you’ll be able to use that time to get an idea of whether or not the marriage can be saved and redeemed. 3.       It’s never easy to do anything that will change the world, inspire others, protect the kids, restore a marriage, or keep a family together. The things that matter in life more than money, cars, houses or status are never easy. They are hard as all get out and will require all of you. 4.       It will require all of you, as quite frankly, all of you needs to be healed. Not a part of you: all of you. All of your dysfunction. All of your deception. All of your trauma. All of your addiction. 5.       The frustration pushes you to the end of yourself. You don’t have the power in and of yourself to fix yourself or your spouse. You need a proven pathway and process and you need the grace of God. If you could fix you, my friend you would have already done it. Reach out for grace. It’s OK to come to the end of yourself. It’s OK to want to quit, but don’t. Go for a run. Go yell in your pillow. Go call a friend and scream every obscenity you need to, but don’t quit. Quit doing the wrong things. Quit going out the back door. Quit reverting back to the habits which caused this trauma in the first place. But don’t quit moving forward in love.  

Whether betrayed or unfaithful, one of the biggest struggles for many to overcome is the cold, hard truth that you cannot control your spouse or their behavior. No matter how passionate I was, or even how proactive I was with my own recovery, I just wasn’t able to make Samantha heal any faster.  Sure by doing what I needed to do, and owning my own failures and indiscretions, I did create space for her to heal and move our recovery along. However, there was no successful strategy to get her to hurry up and heal. The best hope I had was to do all I could do to get healthy and then see what happened next. In fact, even when I did all I could do, saw Rick personally, went to an EMS weekend and worked hard to own my shame, things were still hard incredibly hard sometimes.  Samantha also had to realize that I didn’t arrive at dysfunction overnight, and I wasn’t going to come out of the fog overnight either. I was in too deep with my affair partner and my justification of my affair to just snap right out of it. She became incredibly frustrated with my inability to be as empathetic as I needed to, or as open as I need to with recovery, forgiveness, sexual reconnection and establishing new patterns of intimacy and accountability. She couldn’t control me any more than I could control her. We were both mad we couldn’t control each other and then took it out on each other. Neither of us were powerless to make changes, but there was no guarantee the personal changes we made were going to ensure reciprocating changes in our spouse. I found that to be incredibly frustrating. In the long run, it ensured my motives truly were to see personal healing and restoration in my life no matter what; not just to see change in Samantha. If you’re working so hard to make changes only to see your spouse change and reciprocate, you will be incredibly frustrated when that doesn’t happen and you will be tempted to throw away your own recovery. You will also discredit that what you’re doing is working in your own life which may lead to discouragement, frustration and hopelessness. Such a process in your recovery timeline will then create space for either relapse (if you’re unfaithful) or bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness if you are the betrayed. The betrayed also must arrive at the lonely but sober reality that if their unfaithful spouse wants to cheat again they can and will. No matter how many methods of accountability and installed tracking devices, if they want to cheat, they will. It’s a hard reality to digest, but the fact is, you simply cannot control their behavior and part of your recovery is to acknowledge that and begin to pursue your own recovery first, then possibly, the marriage’s. Samantha very early on arrived at this conclusion, yet had a difficult time not punishing me for my past choices. She wanted me to suffer and wanted me to pay! We both had control issues.  As we surrendered our need for control in life, in recovery and in regards to being in control of one another, life, recovery and restoration got easier, faster. What we were both looking for was found more through surrender than it would ever be found through control. I hope and pray you learn the power of surrender. It is only then you will find the lasting freedom and peace I know you so desperately crave. 

It’s very common during the recovery journey, that there will be moments where things seem to go well. Maybe it’s a good conversation, physical intimacy, a good few days, or just better perspective as a whole. You’re grateful for any semblance of momentum. Then, before you know it, another bad day. Whether it is a reminder, a trigger, new information, someone sees the affair partner, or what seems like a series of a thousand triggers, things go to crap in a heartbeat and we can be feel a set back again. It can seem as though we take two steps forward and thirty seven steps backward and all in the same week or 48 hour period. It’s short lived momentum, and to this day I’m grateful for it.  Early on Samantha and I had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. We lost weight, fluctuated between misery and existence more days than we could remember. We wondered where God was, where help was, and where was any hope this would all be worth it someday. One afternoon in our driveway, our 4 and 5 year olds were playing volleyball with a lightweight bouncy ball. The ball made its way to Samantha and with freakish strength, she pummeled the ball right at me and it nailed me right in the face. Though it didn’t really hurt too bad…..I stood there stunned she did that. She laughed while the kids were arrested by the amazement of it all. They eventually began to laugh so hard they were falling on the ground. Samantha laughed, then walked up to me and held me and laughed, which quickly turned into tears. We both cried and watched our kids now throw the ball at each other back and forth. Throughout this journey, there will be short lived moments of momentum and hope, followed by moments of exhaustion, hopelessness, and maybe some moments of “I think this may work out.” It will be hellish at times and it may be Disney-like as well. I used to hate the fact that momentum was in such small spurts. Looking back, I wish I had relished the small times of hope and peace more. I wish I had enjoyed them far more, and realized during the dark moments, that this too shall pass and more momentum is around the corner. Don’t let the small moments of hell seduce you into thinking it’s all going to be hell. Equally important are what I call the “glimmer of hope” moments. Don’t let them seduce you into thinking there isn’t work to do and there aren’t some more difficult moments ahead, and that you both are done with recovery work. Eventually, the darker moments will subside and the hopeful moments will become longer and longer. Recovery is a process and in that process there will be ups, downs, and I don’t knows…….it’s the journey that defines you, not the end result. You’re a survivor if you refuse to quit, regardless of the outcome.  

It’s very typical for a betrayed spouse to feel as though their spouse is not remorseful at all for what they’ve done.  Unfortunately, some just aren’t on the front end. They will justify it and to turn the knife in their spouse, they will only blame their betrayed spouse for their affair. In fact, some are just sorry they got caught. Their private life has been exposed, their secret love affair has been put on stage for all to see, and they feel like all they wanted was to be happy. It’s a sad commentary on the selfishness and utter blindness we unfaithful spouses walk in for weeks, months and yes, unfortunately years. I’d caution any betrayed spouse to have accurate expectations when it comes to remorse, grief or sorrow at what their spouse has done. Remember, if their affair has been any sort of extended period of time, they have been living a double life. They have justified their affair to themselves time after time, day after day, sexual encounter after sexual encounter. They have built up a wall between them and the truth, and very seldom does that wall come down in an instant. If it appears to come crashing down, I would still be cautious about believing they truly have absorbed the enormity and accurate reality of what they have done to you and quite honestly to themselves. More times than not, remorse usually comes through a process and by revelation and understanding over time. It usually does not come in an instant.  There is usually a timeline to them absorbing the reality and severity of their choices. To think they will comprehend how they have violated the marriage covenant, jeopardized their family, possibly their employment and reputation, in a few counseling sessions is ambitious at best. It’s not uncommon for an unfaithful to communicate initial remorse, although usually not genuine, simply to get the betrayed spouse to be satisfied, move on and not keep rehashing the event. The most beneficial approach is on the unfaithful side is to communicate a feeling of “Let’s take all the time you need to heal. I want to make sure you are healed and whole, and I’m healed and whole and however long it takes, and whatever it costs, I’m in.”  Remorse will not come over time alone. Remorse will not come by simply reading a book or two or ten.   Remorse will not come haphazardly. From personal experience, as well as through helping several people walk down this road, remorse is no easy task. It will take a strategy and will require expert help to get your spouse (or yourself) to truly come to grips with what they have done. It is more than possible and it is a vital necessity. How you and how your spouse arrive at this point, is crucial and will not be accomplished by any shortcut of time, financial commitment or convenience.  Though it has been several years since my colossal moral failure, I would say that for roughly 5 years I gained more and more insight into my dysfunction, which allowed space for more and more humility, compassion and remorse. Yes, five years. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t safe for those five years, but there was a progression to realizing what I had done and who I had become.  I pray it’s shorter for you and your spouse, but remember, the power is in the process you walk through to recovery. But it’s worth every bit of it! 

Infidelity absolutely rips at the seams of self-reliance.  I was in fact, one of those people years ago. I believed the adage “If it was to be, it was up to me.” I was a “make it happen” kind of guy indeed. I believed my destiny and the outcome of anything was up to me and my choices and my ability. My self-will factor was off the charts. Then my infidelity surfaced and my life was ripped apart. One of the biggest struggles of my recovery was absorbing the reality that I was NOT in control of Samantha’s recovery. I was barely in charge of my own recovery due to the fact that I was such a mess mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. Success in life seduces us into self-reliance and self-sufficiency. When we hit a crisis and life changing events like infidelity, our self-reliance can explode. Sure we try to manage things, manage our spouse and manage this collective upheaval with the same self-reliance that caused the situation in the first place, as we are about to implode with frustration and exhaustion. I’ve found that when we hit this sort of trauma, it’s a call away from self-reliance and self-sufficiency. It’s a push for us crying out for something bigger than ourselves. It’s a cry for someone else to be in charge. If you subscribe to any sort of faith in Christ, these thoughts may resonate with you. If you are not a believer of any sort, I understand and believe me, there is no condemnation from me at all. I support your right to believe what you like and live accordingly. For me, I’ve found that the pressures in my life, including the past crisis of infidelity, was and is a call away from self-reliance, and a call to living in humble dependence upon Christ for his grace, mercy and strength to go on. It’s a huge reminder to where my strength comes from and where my eyes are to be focused upon. I’ve seen what I’m capable of when I presume I am in charge of everything. It is not an excuse to do nothing. Nor is it permission to remain shackled in indifference and ambivalence. But is an awareness that I can’t make this happen on my own. I couldn’t make Samantha forgive me. I couldn’t make her trust me again. I couldn’t make my marriage better. I had to submit to a process that was bigger than me, and then do what I needed to do out of obedience and commitment to possible restoration. The list of what needed to be done was endless….but I was doing it out of surrender and trust in Christ, not out of manipulative strategy to control all variables in life, to gain the upper hand, forcing my will into existence. It was one of the toughest parts of my own recovery and I think I hated about all of it. But it was a reprogramming to me as a person and to our marriage. After all, my self-sufficiency and self-reliance only created a world of selfishness, dysfunction and control. I was a human wrecking ball and it was my doing, not anyone else’s. I hope and pray you give way to surrender today. I pray you are able to see just how much of a lifestyle change this moment is for you and for your spouse. If I can help at all, please feel free to reach out.

Upon disclosure, I remember struggling to put words to my feelings or to even be able to apprehend Samantha’s feelings. Initially I was saddened by what my affair had done to Samantha and I was willing to do whatever it took to stay in the same house as my kids. Notice, I wasn’t willing to do whatever it took to stay married to Samantha. I just was not there yet. From the self-deception and disconnection with what I had done to the jaded view I had of Samantha, I just wasn’t thinking clearly. I was thinking somewhat primitively as I was willing to do whatever I could to protect the kids, but in terms of devotion, reconnection, empathy, humility and safety to Samantha, I was a thousand miles away. I knew I didn’t want to go back to the way the marriage was in the past. I didn’t want to go back to rejection, very little sexual intimacy, feeling like the fourth kid of our home, and overall just feeling belittled and disrespected. I wanted something new, and I wanted something better. At the EMS Weekend, I was trying to put into words what I was feeling and I remember Rick saying, “Samuel, your old marriage is dead anyway. You blew it out of the water. Who wants to go back to that nightmare?” Samantha’s eyes widened.  At that moment, I knew what he was saying. Rick was helping me to see that we could never go back to that type of dysfunctional marriage. I had blown it up. My affair had ruined it and exposed it for what it was. There were thousands of moments that were awesome. I had willfully chosen to forget about most of them to justify my affair. I had rewritten our past to justify my affair. Samantha had rewritten our marriage to justify how angry she was at me, and to forget so much of the good as well as the bad, and to help justify how self-righteous she felt in being the ‘good one’ in our marriage. We had little hope that things could ever change.   But at this point in the game, the momentum shifted. We both realized we didn’t want to go back: and we couldn’t. We had to buy in to the fact that possibly, potentially, there was in fact, a ‘renewed and resurrected’ marriage ahead of us. It meant laying down the old marriage, with its burdens, its hurts, its confusion and its mistakes. It meant starting anew, with the opportunity to see a new marriage which built upon the good, laid aside the bad, and forgave. We both had to forgive. We both had to own some things. We both needed healing. We both needed courage, hope and a plan. Today, over 8 years later, you’d never know we’ve been through what we’ve been through. Our struggles are more about raising kids, financial strategies and eating habits than they are about infidelity, trust, honesty, or safety.  Our lives have changed, our family is whole, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. There is a future for you in which your marriage is saved, and there is a future for those who have little choice but to move forward, alone, without your spouse. To say what is optimal is not for me, but to say that there is hope for your own healing and your own renewed joy is definitely within my range. Today is not the extent of your future. Today’s pain and hurt and uncertainty don’t need to define your future or your legacy my friend. There is a redeemed tomorrow that is wonderful. It is there. It is available. 

One of the greatest needs during marital crisis, and especially marital crisis due to infidelity, is objectivity. The case for objectivity is iron clad, as it provides an irreplaceable ingredient for stabilization and understanding.   It’s a pretty fair assumption that much of what you say to your spouse is going to be seen through the filter of the years of history you all have as a couple. There is a lens they will see you through, and that lens is clouded with blame, justification, childhood issues, anger and several other factors. The fact is they just can’t hear you. You’re not the objective one. In their eyes, you’re the one who’s either made them cheat or you’re the cheater. You’re the one who has forced their hand, or has been led to seek affirmation, love and applause elsewhere. (Keep in mind this is an example of justification, not any kind of truth.) To think that anyone in this situation carries objectivity is an illusion. Without a third party who is truly objective and can help filter through the malaise of defensiveness, justification, hurt and uncertainty, it will be an unnecessarily slow road to any sort of clarity, momentum and long term healing. Objectivity is able to see through the deception which has created the affair in the first place, while also helping to provide insight into what a spouse may truly feel, but remains unable to express. Objectivity also is a key factor in deciding whether you want to stay in the marriage and give it a try, or move on without your spouse due to the lack of safety they display in their life.  When objectivity enters the picture, both spouses can find level ground to ultimately make short term and long term decisions which will provide some sense of a stabilizing direction to take. Objectivity will also be somewhat of a trampoline to the sense of being ‘stuck’ due to stubbornness or ignorance on how to move forward. Without objectivity however, you’ll constantly be going back and forth trying to appropriately label the bad guy, while never being able to gain any momentum. Without objectivity, you’ll continue to punish your mate for their choices and for their inability to see what they also have done, whether unfaithful or betrayed. Without objectivity, one spouse continues their tail spin, feeling justified in their actions, never understanding that what they feel is a mere feeling at best, and not a truth. Without truth entering the equation, you or your spouse may remain a prisoner to emotions, self-deception and confusion, failing to realize there is truly hope to be found. When hope is perceived, it can launch you into a systematic approach to arrive at clarity and understanding, which can provide empathy, humility and even forgiveness. I hope you’ll start a quest today to find objectivity from those who have gone this way before. From the website, to the courses, to the helpful staff at Affair Recovery, there is compassionate objectivity to be found when you search for it.

I really don’t know if you should save your marriage. It’s not uncommon I’ll hear from betrayed spouses who feel shamed, manipulated or almost pushed into reconciliation due to some religious belief or traditional thought about forgiveness, reconciliation and ‘obeying God.’ The fact is, I wouldn’t tell you to “Go save your marriage.” If you talk to the staff of Affair Recovery long enough, as well as me, you’ll hear all of them say it’s about “Seeing if the marriage can be saved.” Right now, you probably just don’t know. At the onset of my exposure, I wanted to save the marriage for sure, but mostly for the kids. Samantha genuinely wasn’t sure at all if she wanted to save the marriage, and she was a pastor’s wife. She was obviously torn due to 10 years of marriage, three kids, and the youngest that was five weeks old. Talk about a difficult situation, it was excruciating for her. Time and time again, spouses (both betrayed and unfaithful) just aren’t sure what they want to do. One of the best ways to scare away a betrayed spouse and cause them to retreat and refuse any form of recovery help at all is to say “Let’s go and save our marriage.” It implies that the unfaithful is not in touch with the enormity of what they have done and they want to ‘rush’ recovery and ‘expedite the healing process and get after it, though the betrayed has barely had time to come to grips with it all. The betrayed many times just isn’t sure yet, and that’s OK. It’s not OK to NOT get help, though you’re unsure what you ultimately want to do. If you get help from an expert, they will still be able to help you process the trauma of it all, without forcing you to make a decision, and focus on the process this will require. The best time to get help was yesterday. The second best time to get help is now, despite the uncertainty of it all.    A better suggestion to approach is as follows. I would suggest moving forward, (if the spouse will) with a “Let’s go see if the marriage can be saved.” It implies that you’re not going to rush, manipulate or shame them into recovery or restoration. It implies and expresses a freedom and security to the betrayed, as well as the unfaithful sometimes, which makes allotment for the spouse’s willingness to comply, not be made to do something. This helps to take the pressure off and creates a simply openness to get help for the process, rather than immediately come to some forced or rushed decision. Side note: In times where both spouses are very sure they want to pursue restoration, I would highly suggest both spouses refrain from any mind games and very boldly communicate and affirm to one another that you do in fact, want to save the marriage. There is little time for mind games, playing hard to get, or a ‘you first’ mentality when both spouses are sure they want restoration. 

At some level, this post will be a bit controversial.  For some it will strike a chord of agreement, and for others it may cause some grief.  I get both sides, but my intention here is to encourage, while also offering insight from someone who has personally gone through infidelity as well as helps those who are currently trying to break free, heal and gain much needed perspective.  Time after time I see a very well intending counselor, pastor or other clergy member attempting to give insight, advice or counsel to those who are going through this nightmare, yet they themselves have never been through it.  It certainly doesn’t mean they shouldn’t give encouragement, perspective and support, or even professional insight; however if they have never been through this sort of ordeal, it’s going to be hard for them to understand how this sort of trauma plays out. Many times, unfortunately, due to the limited perspective on how infidelity wreaks havoc upon the betrayed spouse as well as the unfaithful spouse, it’s not uncommon that things get worse.  What may work in traditional methods or in graduate programs does not work well when it comes to dealing with reminders, triggers, intrusive thoughts, addictions, “Limerance,” or trauma bonds (just to name a few).  As I alluded to earlier, what may seem like good advice when dealing with other marriage difficulties will not suffice for the intensity and the depth of pain that infidelity carries for all parties.  Let me reiterate, it’s not that those very competent, very well meaning individuals cannot help.  They can most certainly offer support in the form of prayer, encouragement, (limited) perspective or perhaps even psychological or psychiatric care.  But when it comes to gaining momentum and clear direction as it relates to the specificity of infidelity, I would have to say you’ll need what we call ‘infidelity-specific” help from a professional who has been through infidelity themselves.   It’s one of the reasons why the EMS Weekend (and other various programs here) are so streamlined and ultimately so successful.  Whether it is the EMS Weekend or an online course, they’re designed and facilitated by three therapists who have been through infidelity personally and have lived to tell you (and teach you) about it.  Two of them have also been through divorce, so before you divorce due to infidelity, you’ll most certainly want their take on what life after a divorce will look like as well as clear cut insight on what it’s like to remarry while having the threat of infidelity in the back of your mind for your future. The hard data on this insight I’m offering is not exhaustive, yet substantial. On a survey conducted by AR in 2010, they found that only 25% of those who sought counseling after infidelity found it helpful. That means 75% of those surveyed were still hurting even after seeking professional help.  I would highly encourage you, and really even plead with you, to get help from a professional who has actually been through infidelity and has several years of experience dealing with infidelity.  You’ll find the programs here on the site to be extremely helpful, as well as the articles and opportunities to listen to some of Rick’s previous calls, read articles, and get assessments from the qualified staff of Affair Recovery.  While there are many marriage related websites out there on the web, very few of them have staff who have experienced infidelity and been through the process.  To save yourself from more hurt and frustration, get help from those who have felt what you’ve felt, seen what you have seen, and can provide a proven roadmap for recovery to you.  Even if you do it’s no guarantee you’ll see restoration, but the statistics are far more in your favor when you do. For more information and some hard data on this aspect, please see one of Rick’s older articles found here:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-05-infidelity-counseling