Survivors Blog: 

Samuel

Many, who fall, including myself, will confess to eventually feeling like a slave to the affair partner or addiction. Before we know it, what once was an adrenaline filled endeavor, full of excitement and dark, thrilling passion, eventually becomes slavery. The elation and electricity of it all, fades, then slowly but surely turns to dread, regret, and sometimes even disdain. Disdain for ourselves, the affair partner and even our spouse.  As we continue in our duplicity, the shame and condemnation become overwhelming and we find it seemingly impossible to break out of the pattern we’ve created. Quite honestly, we walk right into where we end up. Somewhere along the way of life, we made a group of small, seemingly unimportant decisions, which slowly but every so surely, led us to the affair and the pattern we’ve created. Somewhere along the way, we can feel as if we are in too deep and literally see no way out. What's more truthful though, is that we see no real way out, without pain and suffering, along with having to own up to our choices.  We see no way out of the pain that we have caused so many others, as well as ourselves. There is just no light at the end of the tunnel.That was the case for me. I felt so chained by the situation I had allowed and ultimately created, that there came a day, when I said quietly to myself, this is just the way it will have to be. There is no way out. Controlled by my own choices, insecurities and ego, as well as the affair partner's manipulation, I too, saw no way out that would preserve my identify, lifestyle or marriage. In all honesty, I was somehow convinced I had fallen so far that there was no way of ever making it back.    I was wrong.There WAS a way out.It was there all along. At the very least, there was another way out besides the one that I took. Like many, I had to be exposed rather than coming clean on my own initiative. I could have, and should have, come clean, repented, and asked for help to save my marriage and family. I had the opportunity, on my own recognizance, to show everyone that I believed my marriage and God was bigger than my failure and hypocrisy. But, I didn't.God still showed Himself faithful and bigger. You may not be a Christian, and that’s OK. What’s not OK is feeling like there is no hope for you, or for your situation. Sin promises to please, but only enslaves and dominates. I'm so thankful and genuinely happy to say, I'm not a slave to the affair partner any longer. I'm no longer a slave to my pastor or senior leaders either, and I'm certainly not a slave to the lifestyle like my family and I were. Looking back, I can see just how much of a slave I was, my staff was, and all those in the ministry were.That's the thing; no one really signs up for slavery. No one wants to be addicted and emotionally helpless to fight back against an addiction, affair, or case of codependency. I highly doubt any of us want an addiction or particular person, to absolutely dominate and rule our lives, reducing us to feeling as though we are handcuffed by their manipulative efforts or our own lack of moral fortitude.  I never wanted it to cost me everything.  I never signed up for the ruin it brought to me, my ministry, and so many other people's lives. Yet, despite what I did not sign up for, due to my choices, it all came crashing down. I forget exactly who said it but the greatest trick evil ever pulled, was convincing the world it didn't (and doesn't) exist.  Regardless of your situation, there is a loving and kind God who is bigger than your failure, and if you give Him a chance, He'll show you just how big he is and just how able He is to save you and heal you. This isn’t some religious pontificating. Just a story of how much bigger the Grace of God is than your failure or your spouse’s failure.If I can do anything to help you and your situation, please feel free to email me at [email protected] and simply reference Samuel’s blog.

This week, I thought I’d take a moment out of Jesus’s life and share a unique perspective. Even if you’re not a Christian, or perhaps even angry at God for what you’re dealing with, I get it. I most certainly do. But I hope you’ll keep reading as I think there are some good points in here to still ponder, even if you do not subscribe to a Christian worldview at all.Anyone under the weight of recent infidelity (whether betrayed or betrayer) or even addiction can relate to the words of Jesus, when He uttered in John 12: 27-28 "My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, `Father, save Me from this hour'? But for this purpose I came to this hour. "Father, glorify Your name."Infidelity will do more than just trouble our families and our souls. Yet the word 'troubled' here is better translated "exceedingly sorrowful."Personally, my infidelity has caused me (and so many others) more sorrow than anything I have ever experienced in my entire life. My father died a gruesome death to cancer when I was 23, and my step dad was lost to leukemia just a few months after. But the paralyzing sorrow associated with the struggle to preserve my family has been unimaginable to describe to anyone other than those who have personally been through the same thing. If you’re in it now, you get it I’m sure.Since my own fall, I have asked to be saved from more moments than I care to itemize.   These hours of crisis and trauma are usually followed with questions like "why" and "how" and "how could this have been prevented" and "what went wrong." Even Jesus himself experienced incredible sorrow and pain at what He was encountering and what suffering lay before Him. I love the below scripture as it gives me strength to keep going in life, especially when I feel like a total failure and hopeless mess.   For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:15-16The intriguing and completely liberating point of John 12 is the apparent relentlessness of Jesus; to realize the hour that was upon Him, yet courageously face it head on and not quit. I find such solace here. In my situation, the hour was chosen by me and my selfishness, yet my marriage is not over and my family is not disintegrated in the least. I blew it, but we both kept going even though it hurt worse than anything we’ve ever faced, and we have in return experienced something greater than we ever thought imaginable.I'm quite certain we all have our own hour that is upon each and every one of us. It's so easy to find ourselves hating the particular 'hour' we are in, or at the very least wanting to be saved from it prematurely. I hate almost every one of them. Yet I know they represent so much more than just my selfish anger at being inconvenienced by them, or at being reminded of what an idiot I was (and can still be). The more that I run from them though, the more power they have over me and the more they will ultimately lead me rather than me leading them.I firmly believe Jesus didn’t run from his agony and we can’t run from ours, whether we created it or it was created by our spouse. Without this moment for Christ, so much would have been lost and so much would have been sacrificed, all for the sake of Jesus's own personal comfort. Yet, He continued on. He continued obeying the Father, and allowing Himself to be tortured, and crucified for you and for me. Had He run from the hour that was upon Him, all of history would have been changed forever. What will be changed if you run from this hour in your life right now?  Far be it for us to equate how poignant Jesus' moment was with ours. But don't disregard the fact that our own 'hour' upon us now is vital for the development and ultimate restoration of our marriages and families. In our own significant way, how we deal with the hour that is upon each and every one of us (and our spouses) will quite certainly impact us for months, years, and possibly generations to come. These moments are not to be played with my friends.In recovery, I have found that we always have choices in how we respond and deal with our 'hours.' From revealing hidden details, to sharing our fears and insecurities, to choosing to live a completely and totally open life to our spouses; we have power in this process. We have the power to choose and follow through, or the power to run and refuse to answer the moment. For those of you hurt spouses, it may be that you actually allow yourself to feel what you truly feel, and say (or even yell) what you feel and not worry about how your spouse will react to any of it. Know for certain though, there is a divine purpose to the hour that is upon you and your family. It may not seem like it with all the carnage and chaos surrounding your life, but God is always at work in the lives of His children. I can speak from personal experience that I have asked to be saved from several 'hours,' only to find they were never mystically removed from my life. Somehow I knew that if I genuinely wanted to see my marriage restored, I had (and still have to) face them. If we will momentarily stop, take a breath, and realize the significance of the moment we are in, we can then find strength and grace to make right decisions and move forward.It wasn't easy for Jesus, and it won't be easy for us. I can guarantee you that you won't do everything right. But we are not expected to. This moment was so poignant for Christ, we truly owe salvation to it. I have realized that if it was truly easy, we wouldn't cry out to Him as much as we are forced to, and we would not value both the process and reward of a saved and redeemed relationship with God and with our spouses. As we owe salvation and so much more to this moment Jesus experienced, one day our children will owe so very much to our own moments of pain and sorrow, if we will gracefully face them head on, and handle them appropriately.

Early on in recovery it was ugly. Everything seemed like it was my fault. No matter what happened it would eventually be tied to the fact that I had an affair. It was a painful way to live. Looking back even my wife Samantha would tell you that most things ended up being my fault. It wasn’t accurate but Samantha was in so much pain, and flooding so quickly, it was hard not to put it all on me.If we were going to heal it was going to have to be that way for a short time. Let’s just be honest: I had a two year affair. The fact that I had to go through some emotional pain and hurt and even some ‘shaming’ from my Samantha, is not that big of a deal when you consider the bigger picture. If we are going to compare which sin is worse, I will win every time. When I talk to spouses who say things like “She just won’t move on….she won’t stop talking about it…..” I wonder how much selfishness and self-deception there is to take the mindset that we’ve hurt our spouse’s so much, and yet, we don’t want to give them time, space or permission to simply FEEL the weight of it all. I was once the chief offender in this mindset and I know how destructive it is.Privately, I had two individuals I could trust to ask questions to: Rick Reynolds and a new friend I sought out who went through infidelity. Often times I’d ask them, “When do we get to talk about Samantha’s issues…..” Both of them said, “Not until you take responsibility for your own.” Rick even explained to me one day “Samuel, the affair is 100%, YOUR FAULT and responsibility. The marriage is 50% her responsibility. Let’s not get confused here on where we’re going.” It was life changing indeed.If you’re in recovery right now, make the recovery about two things:Make it about the betrayed spouse. Ask them things like “What can I do for you right now? What would make you feel safe today? What can I do to help you find peace today, if anything at all? Would you like to ask me anything today?” And then do what they ask. Stay home from work. Listen to them yell. Let them process their feelings and ask you questions.  Do it. Mean it. Commit to it. Give them permission to be angry and bitter and hurt. Give them permission and help them feel OK with the fact that they are a mess emotionally right now. To not allow them to do that, is to not allow them to heal which means the marriage has little hope of ever being restored and you have close to zero chance at making them ever feel safe again.Make it about your own recovery right now if need be. You can never make another person heal, or make another person forgive you, or make another person move on. You must realize they will do it in their own time when they have received the right kind of help, perspective and healing. So, as an unfaithful spouse, or as a betrayed spouse whose spouse will not get help, take care of your own recovery. Get yourself the right perspective and the right infidelity specific expert care. Take ownership of your own responsibilities and make it about what you can do for your spouse first (if they let you) then your own recovery.Believe me when I say I get it. I remember the hopelessness and heartache recovery can be at times. But don’t give up friends. Don’t quit on yourself or God’s ability.

Quite often when I talk to couples in crisis due to infidelity, one of their paramount questions is, can it ever be the same again?Honestly, my answer is a frank, but delicate, NO, it will never be the same again.But I immediately follow up with, “But why would you want to go back to what you had, when you’ve now discovered (or come clean about) what you then had was a lie?” Why would we want to go back to the settings which allowed for and created the affair in the first place? It’s a harsh answer I know.Don’t get me wrong….before you push send on that ‘leave a comment’ button, I’m never going to say that the affair was the betrayed spouses fault. It’s just not that easy, or realistic, or true.  But what I do want to communicate is the infidelity has ruined what once was, and this is now an opportunity to start anew, and create something fresh, void of the past illusion that you once were living in. Immediately I know that can devastate the hurt spouse, as you are probably just coming to realize the darkness and deception which has been operating within your spouse. It hurts in a way which is almost indescribable I’m quite sure. This may be a tough blog to read, I know, and I apologize for that. I wish only to give you hope for a better future though the past has been shattered.Make no mistake about it, even if both spouses are merely willing to ‘see’ if the marriage is worth saving, this is a moment to now see God move in a way that is unlike anything you’ve ever seen in your marriage heretofore. Perhaps the discovery of their addiction or infidelity is the very way that your marriage can and will be transformed forever in a redemptive and restorative way.How can I write this you may ask? What is the backdrop to which I make these seemingly empty claims of a restored marriage?Well I live in one. After 10 years of marriage, and three kids, our marriage and family erupted due to my own moral failure. After two and a half years of infidelity with at least three women, our 10 year marriage was done. Samantha didn’t want to go back and wasn’t sure if she even wanted to go forward. I certainly didn’t want to go forward with the same old marriage and same old rejecting and debilitating mannerisms within the marriage. I was willing to do whatever it took to sleep in the same house as my three kids, but had no clue how to restore, much less ‘save’ our marriage.That’s where getting what we call, ‘The Right Kind of Help’ can create a significant chance at restoration.  Without that, I will tell you, I just don’t see much hope at all for change and ultimate healing, especially from those who have never been there before.My marriage now, is better than it was even before the affair. It’s been 8 years since discovery of my double life and issues we have now in marriage are children issues or financial issues, or everyday life issues. NOT infidelity issues. Our marriage is new and that speaks to our sex life, our communication, our everything. It’s not empty promises that I share with you today friends, but hope. Hope that has been lived out, day after day, session after session, course after course, talk after talk….It’s more than possible.It’s probably NOT the way you wanted it, but it is in fact, an opportunity. Opportunities seldom come the way we think they ought to come and want them to come.

"I can't make you NOT have another affair. If you're going to cheat, you're going to cheat." About a year or so into recovery, Samantha very calmly told me those words in Rick's office. I immediately saw Rick's eyes light up, followed by a gentle smile that showed Rick was very pleased with the new insight Samantha had arrived at. It was a significant moment for her, to realize she needed to let go, trust God and even trust me (in developing levels of progression) that if I was ever going to have another affair, she in her own power couldn't prevent it. After all, I was a great liar. If I want to, I still can be. The difference is - I don't want to. And I don't have to. Samantha realized that if I wanted to have another affair I could, and that it would then be up to God to show her or not. It was a tremendous time of healing for her as, quite frankly, she had an enormous amount of anger at God for allowing all of this mess to happen to her in the first place. Anyone who knows my story though, knows that God did indeed reveal the affair to her in a way she would have liked to have traded, yet she came to know all of the details. Nevertheless, she came to a point in her healing when she realized she could not control the events that would unfold behind the scenes. She did, however, have control over how we lived and what mechanisms we had in place to earn trust. Trust, early on in recovery, isn't the most important factor in marriage; safety is. Later trust can and will re-flourish, but early on, it's nowhere to be found. While trusting someone before they have displayed the character, honesty and consistency to win it back is a mere dice roll at best, safety is a whole different component. You can replace trust with safety and safety mechanisms like open and vulnerable honesty about fears, concerns, hurts and temptations. Trust will come, over time, as safety mechanisms are followed and utilized, but safety can come much much quicker as you're open and honest with each other and establish a climate where you're (as Rick says all the time) "naked and unashamed." Yet, this takes a commitment on both parties to live open and honestly, without judging or shaming the other for their vulnerability. I'd like to post a few of Rick's closing comments in The Truth About Trust which says it better than I ever could: If I ask my wife whether or not she trusts me, she’ll almost always respond, “No, but I do trust God, and I trust God with you.” Trust and faith have a lot in common. Personally, I believe that faith is an organ of the soul, just like my eyes or ears are organs of my body. My eyes were never intended to generate light; rather, they were intended to perceive light. My ears were never intended to generate sound; they were intended to perceive sound. If they begin to generate sound, that will certainly drive me a bit crazy. In the same way, faith is an organ of my soul and was never intended to generate the work of God; rather, it was intended to perceive the work of God. Our problem begins when we focus our faith on something unstable. If we place our faith on our ability to handle this betrayal, then that should scare us to death. If we focus our faith on our mate’s ability to get it right, we’ll probably have a panic attack. We have to place our faith in something solid if we want to eliminate fear, and we do have to eliminate fear before trust is rebuilt. Faith allows for a firm footing regardless of your mate. It is separate and apart from him or her and provides a stable anchor as you deal with life’s struggles. Extending trust to your mate requires an inner strength and stability that can come from a stable faith in God. Like love, trust requires risk, and may require your own healing before you can once again extend that gift. Faith will help you walk that path.

A toxic response mechanism in recovery will always be defensiveness. Defensiveness communicates to the betrayed spouse that we don't "get it", are not sorry or empathetic over what we've done and that we're just not safe in general. Just recently Samantha and I had a significant breakdown over some financial decisions I had made in the past, and I quickly became both angry and defensive. I felt as though my decisions were the best that could have been made at the time of the recession, and that if she truly understood the entire picture she would have made the same decision. To be reminded of her interpretation, time and time again, upset me pretty significantly. Now, several years removed from my affair, I remembered I needed to take stock of my emotions and ask myself why I was feeling what I was feeling. While doing the dishes with great force and speed the proverbial lights began to come on. It didn't take long for me to realize I was being defensive. I did in fact see my guilt and grief about the decisions I had made and I was reconnecting with my anger at myself in that moment. In effect, I was angrier at myself and even (wrongly I might add) angry at God for letting it happen, than I was at Samantha. It was simply manifesting itself with Samantha and my defensiveness only created more animosity in her and caused her to pull back as in that moment I wasn't safe. We're never safe when we lash out or get defensive. We only communicate we are not open, we're not malleable, we're not humble and we're not in control of our emotions. In effect, we're not safe and our spouses can feel that. It's in these moments that I create a concern about relapse as I'm acting like I did years ago. While Samantha may not think I'm in the middle of an affair, or that I'm involved in any illicit behaviors, she will be concerned about why I'm acting the way I am and a red flag will come up. If you're a betrayed spouse, and your unfaithful spouse is being defensive, there is probably a reason why. It just may be due to their own shame, personal condemnation or their own misdirected anger. When we are angry at ourselves sometimes we are not healthy enough to confront ourselves and understand why we are reacting the way we are. (It took a decent amount of time for me to realize this though so don't expect it overnight I assure you.) It's in your safety that you help create a way for us to drop our guard, come clean about our emotions and share. I'm not at all putting it solely on you to create the moment entirely. But the safe environment you create, does in fact, help significantly as it says, "This is a safe place and you can share your innermost feelings without being attacked or shamed." Samantha needs to be able to react to them and grieve for them or even understand them. But as I felt safe I shared my struggles and it got us both on the same page far quicker than it would have several years ago. As Samantha also had her own moment of sobriety, she eventually said, "I love you...and I'm not trying to shame you, or remind you of your failures or past decisions, but we do need to come back together, process this and find a resolution." I hope I've helped you today. If you're looking for help today, please reach out to the site as there are great resources for both of you to help with shame and defensiveness.

If there was one issue that was probably one of most difficult issues for me to overcome personally, it was shame. I was truly ashamed of what I had done and how I had hurt both Samantha and so many other lives. There was, however, a bit of a time release to my shame though and you'll probably only understand this if you are an unfaithful spouse. What I mean is it didn't hit me all at once. If it did I think I would have ended it all. Were it not for my kids I think one night I would have committed suicide with all the sobriety that began to come crashing down around me. Don't worry, that's not a cry for you to feel sorry for me, it's just a bit of a window into the mind of the unfaithful. As the days and weeks would go by, and as we began to get the right kind of help, the lights eventually came on. It was at a slow and steady speed yet I began to really “get it” to how I had hurt my wife so deeply and how I had hurt so many others who looked up to me with such love and admiration. Once it did become clear though, as to how selfish I had been and how dysfunctional my actions had been, it almost incapacitated me. Having to get up every day and go to work and be a husband and a father about saved my life. If it wasn't for the fact that Samantha needed me to help take care of her and the kids I'm not sure how I would have made it. You see shame says I AM something bad. Conviction or grief over what I've done says I'VE DONE something bad. There is a canyon of difference between the two mindsets there. Shame also is so selfish and self-absorbing. It takes our eyes off of the ones we hurt and love and need to be restored to, and keeps our focus on what I feel, and what I want, and what I did, and what I shouldn't have done, and should have done, and on and on and on. It's focused on ME again. It also creates such a sense of defensiveness on our part. Instead of admitting to our pain and hurt and even self-hatred, we don't know how to process our pain correctly and we get defensive and justify our actions, and belittle others, and say well if you wouldn't have X then I wouldn’t have Y. We're not healthy enough to admit we committed a great tragedy. So we blame this person and blame that person, but only after getting healthy do we eventually come to the point where we realize we are defensive due to the conviction we feel inside and the guilt we feel for doing what we did. One of the best things we can do is admit we blew it. To go even further, we can admit we hurt our spouse (and maybe many others) and realize we will never be able to repay anyone, or offer enough restitution to alleviate the guilt and shame we feel. What we must do is admit we are incapable of ever repaying the hurt and destruction. We need to get help to understand how to ask our spouse to forgive us and then do all we can to help them see that we are committed to their recovery and our own recovery and get our eyes off ourselves. As we display we are safe and doing all we can to get healthy, we make it easier and easier for our spouse to forgive us, commit to restoration, and move forward, slowly but surely. Without this commitment to getting healthy, and without our commitment to let go of shame and forgive ourselves, we give our spouse little hope we will ever be able to take our eyes off ourselves. Yes I had to work on my own recovery. Yes I had to realize I was in charge of my own recovery. Yes I even had to take action to remain accountable and transparent. But, more than any of those, I had to commit to do whatever it took to make Samantha eventually feel safe again, over time, one day at a time, one decision at a time.

It's been several years since my affair was disclosed and life took a turn for what felt like the end. Almost every time Rick writes an article it hits me in one way or another. This newest one was no exception. The fact is, time doesn't permit me to share the enormous litany of reasons why, if anyone shouldn't have been having an affair, it was me. If anyone was in a position of authority, integrity, and alleged impeccable character, it was me. Yet, the numbers of people affected by my moral failure (more like moral disaster) is no short list, and to this day lives still show the residue of a leader who failed them and left a sea of disoriented lives a drift, looking for direction and hope. Today I'd like to talk about how I disengaged from my moral compass and justified my affair. In many ways, it was the perfect set up and my own needs, slowly but with incredible fervency, began to outweigh my morality and commitment to the truth. Samantha was having babies; sick in bed during her three pregnancies, and taking care of the home while I was out "changing the world." Somewhere along the way it all became about ME. What I needed and what I wanted, look at me and my accomplishments; not what others needed or wanted, and certainly not what Samantha needed. I told myself that since Samantha wasn't caring about my emotional and sexual needs, at least my affair partner was. At least SHE thought I was successful and SHE thought I was talented, and SHE thought I was sexy. She wanted to be with me all the time and she appreciated my efforts. Samantha did too, but Samantha wanted me to be a man who took responsibility and took care of everyone else above myself, and my affair partner worshiped the ground I walked on. I told myself my affair was justified and there was no way out anyway. I’ll never forget the day I told myself that there was no way out and Samantha was never going to change. I'll just celebrate the fact that Samantha is an exceptional mom, but a terrible wife and I'll just get my needs met with my affair partner, and be the best dad I can be. This moment in time would solidify my reinforcement of more self-deception and self-betrayal than I care to itemize. For over two years that was the life we led. What's almost incomprehensible though, is my affair partner and I never talked about getting caught. We never had a fallout plan, or a 'meet up here if we get caught plan.' The hiding and double life had become such a normal part of our lives, we never thought there would be any sense of accountability or any exposing of the affair. We just thought it would go on forever, and it seemed like it did. Until one day I would have to share with Samantha all the details, which would be corroborated by the church leaders the next day. So had I considered lying, I couldn't as it would all come out then. It's been said no one talks to you more than you, and I had told myself this was the best it was going to get, and that there was no way out from the mess I had created. I was wrong. But I was the sovereign voice in my life. I could have done an innumerable amount of things to get help, but had justified my affair to myself for so long, I had become self-deceived and saw no way out. If you're trapped today, or if you are just starting to walk in recovery, I hope you don’t expect to know what you should do next without the right guidance. I hope you'll reach out and get the help you need now, from an expert who has gone through this before and knows more than you do and knows how to help. You can find expert help here at Affair Recovery. Don't waste your time with people who've never been through it before and are speculating. You need the right kind of help my friend. It will make all the difference in the world and help guide you through the process to either personal recovery, or perhaps even marital recovery.

Not too long ago, Samantha and I were having an incredibly difficult time. If you're on this site, and have gone through this nightmare which necessitates recovery, when I say an incredibly difficult time,' I know you know what I mean. I felt like I just couldn't win and couldn't gain any ground. To say I was frustrated is a severe understatement. Looking back, what I truly was feeling was hopelessness. Walking out your recovery from infidelity (or your spouse's infidelity) can seem impossible. It can also seem as though nothing you do works, no action taken produces any fruit, and no matter what road you take it just never goes the way you want it to go. It's a toxic combination of anger, bitterness and frustration and it can lead you to a place of "Why even try???" I had hit a crossroads. I'll never forget sitting at the stoplight by our home at a major intersection. I had no desire to go home at all. Sure my three kids were home and I love them to death. But somehow in my mind, at this juncture, they were not going to be better off by me going home. Somehow I had come to the place of sheer and utter hopelessness that things were ever going to get better and I was ready to take matters into my own hands. I was in the outside traffic lane, with no music on, and only the sound of my blinker and what seemed like my life ticking away with no meaning, purpose or substance. I wanted to peel off, and go to a bar and a hotel with no call to Samantha at all. I wanted her to feel the pain and inconvenience, and the message my absence was going to send to her. I wanted to teach Samantha a lesson and leave and say to her, "You drove me away and it's never enough with you!" I'll never forget that moment. It was a defining moment for me in my recovery. I would have felt justified and I would have seemed right in many people's eyes but I'm terrified to think of what would have happened next, should I have went a different way. It's been said, love isn't love until we have the opportunity to do the alternative, and choose not to. I went home that night. It wasn't perfect, and it wasn't glorious. But it was home. It was the right thing to do, and it was love, even when I didn't want to do it and had zero feelings to support the decision to go home. I had to face the music of my own doing, regardless of how happy I was with Samantha's efforts to reciprocate or not reciprocate. You too may be at a crossroads, and although I am not the least bit the standard of what to do or not to do, I hope you'll at least pause before you make your next choice. I hope you'll hear the blinker of options that are probably louder than you'd like them to be right now and before you make a choice, think about the consequences of your actions. Think about how things will play out after the choice you make. What is the loving response you need to make, even if you feel nothing? Before you change lanes my friend, remember where that road will take you. I'm happy to say, by the grace of God, I've been going home ever since.

Not too long ago, I was talking with a therapist who explained to me what it means for a couple to relapse. I was immediately thrown for a bit of a loop when I heard him say that even the betrayed spouse can relapse. It basically boils down to not doing what both spouses did early on in their recovery. If you're a betrayed spouse reading this, I can hear your blood boiling, but please let me finish before you get too angry with me. Now, does it mean the betrayed spouse has an affair of their own? NO, absolutely not. Nor does it mean that the unfaithful spouse has another affair. It also is not meant to suggest that the affair was the betrayed spouse's fault in the first place. What it does apply to though is allowing old behaviors and old mannerisms and old ways of engaging our spouse and our life to resurface. It's when we get away from what we did early on in our recovery which initially made restoration so joyful and exciting and sweet. It's going back to behaviors, reactions, and dysfunctions which helped make the affair and private life possible in the first place. Not only by the unfaithful spouse, but by the betrayed spouse as well. After all, we both have decided to save the marriage and pursue transformation. I did what I did and I'm responsible for that ridiculously self-absorbed behavior; but moving forward, we are in this together. For example, just recently Samantha and I had a terrible couple of weeks. She then had a difficult discussion with me where she said she felt like the old Samuel was back. I was hurt deeply by her comments as I felt like I had made so much progress in my recovery. But, alas, after leaving my anger on the treadmill, I took some time to think it through and really pray and make sure I didn't overreact. As I took this time, I also noticed that she had slipped back into some of the same behaviors which were active before the affair happened years ago. We just couldn't gain any traction, even after I had apologized several times. It prompted me to play the archaeologist and dig down to extract what was going on in me emotionally and mentally. Finally, it began to resonate with me: we both relapsed and we both were going backwards rather than forwards. We were both on a crash course to find ourselves back where all this trauma occurred in the first place. This is the part that really sucks. As the head and leader of our home, it was up to me to get us going in the right direction. I was dreading the need to share with Samantha my impression that we had BOTH relapsed. Nevertheless, I believed it to be true and asked for the strength of Samson to have the discussion. I was not going to slip back into the old behavior of not being able to express myself or share my concerns, which helped lead to such a private, double life for me in the first place. As a testament to the grace and health of Samantha, she absolutely agreed that we BOTH had relapsed and that we BOTH needed to get back to the early basics of recovery and restoration. It was a wonderful picture of moving forward as a couple, not two disjointed individuals living in separate worlds. This may be controversial for some, but I would suggest you heartfully look at your recovery right now. Perhaps one spouse has indeed relapsed or maybe both of you are going backwards rather than forwards and it’s time to admit that you both are exhibiting old behaviors. Maybe it’s not about who started the relapse behavior, but about deciding neither of you want to go back to that life ever again.

Rick’s newest article once again, kicked me right in the teeth. Let me quote from it briefly, and if you’d like to read the whole thing, you can go here to read it: Nine Signs of an Emotional Affair (To have an affair) “Deceive yourself into believing you’re as wonderful as your Emotional Affair Partner sees you to obtain maximum benefit from your new found relationship. Always believe the lie that they’re better than your mate and that you’d have been far better off if you’d married them. Marriage partners are the makeup mirrors of our lives. They highlight every flaw and blemish. Emotional Affair Partners are vanity mirrors. We look amazing in their eyes. Approval seeking requires we suspend reality and imagine ourselves as seen through our EAP’s eyes. Failing to deceive one’s self makes entitlement almost impossible.” Though there are several key elements to his article, I’d like to highlight a pinnacle truth within many affairs. There’s no way around the fact that I allowed myself to be deceived into believing I was as wonderful as my affair partner saw me, made me feel and constantly told me. It was a fantasy; an escape from reality. Illicit sex, no bills to pay, constant romance, infatuation, little-to-no criticism or responsibilities to have to live up to from real life pressure…..not real life in the least bit. I have an intense amount of grief for how I allowed my affair partner to fall in love with me and for how I had to end it basically overnight. Still 7 plus years later, I mourn for what I allowed to happen. My wife Samantha time and time again has had to serve as a makeup mirror to help me become the man I so want to be, and quite frankly, need to be. My affair partner made me feel amazing due to the fallacy I believed I was. Her infatuation with me was just not real life. And I hate it. I wish I was the man she saw me to be, but that man isn’t real. Even now, what helps me stay clear of relapse is the fact that what I thought I was isn’t true and won’t ever be true. That’s what fantasies do: they lead you to believe there is this secret world out there that exists, when in reality it’s just not true. Sure there are things Samantha had to work on, and even more that I had to work on. The joy in my marriage, along with the friendship, romance and passion which has been resurrected and restored, is real joy, romance and passion. The kind that stands the test of time and real life obstacles. The kind that ‘decides’ to overcome life, faults, bills, changing seasons and mature responsibilities. The kind that is based upon maturity, integrity and a willingness to be molded and shaped in life, refusing to constantly need an escape from the pressures of life, kids, mortgages and 401K’s. I hope you’ll come out of the clouds of self-deception today. I hope you’ll see that life is not about fantasy where we play God and see only the good and decide what happens and what doesn’t. If you’re reading this, I’m quite sure you’re old enough, and have seen enough in life to know what fantasy is. Perhaps you’re like me and learning to grow up more and more, though you are already a grown up. Don’t stop my friend. 7 plus years later, even with the bad, I’m in love with my wife and family and the lack of fantasy in my life right now. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s yours for the taking.

Looking back upon my affair, and the justification of my affair, I can now see how blind I was. It’s neither an excuse nor a justification, as I did what I did and it’s no one’s fault by my own. But I was blind to so much, and in hindsight I can see just how that blindness fueled my actions and behavior. My blindness is what helped to enable the complete selfishness and self-absorption that had taken my life captive. What helped to keep me in my affair were both the emotional AND sexual components working together to what I thought would meet my needs, when in reality all it did was fuel the monster. But what was I blind to, you may ask. Well, here’s a list and it is by no means exhaustive: I was radically blind to how I was approaching my marriage. I wanted MY needs met, and was looking at marriage as this tool to meet MY needs first. Only when MY needs were met, was I going to then meet Samantha’s needs. A colossal breakdown indeed and no marriage can survive very long that way. What it eventually produces is an affair as our needs become sovereign. I was blind to the fact that my wife was sick at home, pregnant, having babies and raising babies, while I was out working my job and eating very well, traveling on several continents, staying in high class hotels, spending time with both the outside world and coworkers, and living life to the fullest. I had no clue how rejected she felt, and how isolated she felt, and how much of a priority she was NOT feeling like during my two year affair. I was blind to the fact that I did love my affair partner, but I also loved the way my affair partner made ME feel about MYSELF. I was completely blind to how much I idolized the way her affection made me feel about myself. I was blind to what I needed in recovery. I had been living a double life for about two years, and upon discovery of my affair, I thought I knew what we needed to do to heal and move forward. I had no concept of what healing Samantha needed, nor did I have any clue what moving forward meant. Like with most, it was the perfect storm to create a choice to give in and take the bait. I’m always amazed at those who are just starting out in recovery, or who are just launching out into the pursuit of restoration and they think they know what they need. The opposite is quite true. They don’t know what they need, that’s why there are programs and resources like AffairRecovery.com to provide a clear direction on just how to heal or definitive understanding on if you do want to heal the marriage. If they knew what they needed in the first place, they wouldn’t have been in the position they are in right now. It was my blindness that allowed for such selfishness which eroded the bond of my marriage. If you too are experiencing blindness, I pray you’ll reach out and get help to heal the blindness, as once you start to see even a small amount of true restoration, you’ll want more and more.

My affair was both emotional and physical. When asked which was worse, I'm not really sure what Samantha would leverage as the worst side of it. It was highly sexually charged, but we also communicated and worked together every day and the emotional component was off the chart. It deepens the pain I feel for what I have put Samantha through, as it was a "double whammy," if you will, of both emotional and physical intimacy. The pain has been immense, but with the right methods and help, time, and the absolute grace of God we have healed in ways I never thought possible. A new understanding about my past has helped me to live with a new approach. I call it "Living in Light of What I've Done." What I mean is, I understand my propensity to be, as Rick would say, a human wrecking ball. I've also learned what damage and selfishness I'm truly capable of if I do not remain true to the recovery methods that have been my lifeblood these past few years. When Samantha and I have difficult times now, I'm quick to realize a simple fact: I've put this woman through hell, so let's be careful how we approach this minor issue compared to the nuclear fallout we experienced years ago. Don't get me wrong, I don't live in shame and condemnation. Shame, remember, says I am something bad. Conviction says what I did was bad, but I'm not a bad person. Trust me in that for months and probably a good year, I was convinced I was a bad person and so full of shame it was ridiculous. I'd also like to point out; Samantha has almost never thrown my failures in my face. She's not ever one to put me through the ringer with hasty generalizations or ruthless accusations. There has been complete transformation in her life as well and I don't ever feel like I'm being reminded by her of my past. It is possible my friends to live a new life, restored, redeemed and replenished with hope for both now, and decades from now. But I have been able to see my life through the eyes of what I did for over two years. It helps me extend mercy to so many other people. It has produced a perspective in me that is not built upon second guessing everyone I meet and talk to, but understanding the world through new eyes of humility, understanding, and mercy. Why, you say? Because not many people can out-do my indiscretions; and what Samantha and I have lived through is quite literally a miracle of incredible proportions. Did we have to work at it? YES. Did we have to spend good quality money to get the help we needed? YES. Did we shed tears probably unlike any other time heretofore? YES. Did she and I want to quit, ever? YES. Almost every day early on, but when we found the right kind of help, we found momentum very, very quickly. I'm so glad, as is Samantha, that we didn't give up when we didn't know what to do, or where to turn. Was it truly, truly worth it to pursue recovery? YES. Without a doubt. Get help today friends. It can and will change your lives.

Somewhere along the way, I remember coming to the painful yet life-changing realization that everything I wanted was here in my marriage; I just didn't see it or recognize it. It was a 'painful' realization as it only reinforced the personal shame I felt for allowing the affair to happen in the first place. Keep in mind, shame says I am something bad, when guilt, grief, or conviction simply says I've done something wrong and there is a country mile of difference between the two perspectives my friends. I had let life, kids, marriage, ministry pressures and all sorts of less important things get in the way of taking care of what was supposed to be most important all along, and it was no one’s fault but my own. While last week I talked about restoring and reconnecting sexually, this week I'll accentuate it more with a moment I had one night after we were intimate. It was in no uncertain terms, incredibly erotic, passionate and mutually fulfilling. Later on though, I was struck with the realization that what I had always wanted was here with my wife, void of any shame, condemnation, guilt or regret. I didn't have to regret what I had done with Samantha. I no longer had to look into my young children's eyes with regret or shame. I didn't have to come to bed at night feeling overwhelmingly guilty about what I had done just hours before with my affair partner. I was free. Finally free to enjoy Samantha, while Samantha enjoyed me, and it could have been this way throughout the entirety of my marriage if only......... It was a dark, sobering moment indeed. I don't share this with any of you to pour shame or despair on you, but only to help those of you who are pursuing restoration get an idea of how great it can one day be again! However, instead of commiserating, I began to realize that the best thing I could do now was enjoy my redeemed marriage and continue to grab hold of more and more insight in regards to Samantha and what I had been looking for all along. It was an invigorating moment for me both personally and martially. I gained more ground emotionally by observing just what an incredible woman Samantha was all along, and in more ways than the token expression of "well, she is a great mom." That lackluster title of being a great mom was not a passionate expression years ago, and was a bit of a fallback for my self absorption, dysfunction and blindness. It was a platitude which I tried to tell myself to keep me involved with her emotionally. Sure she had lost herself a bit and sure she had fallen prey to some dysfunction in her own life, but here we were, together, moving forward in recovery and it was passionate, fulfilling and free of any regret. I'd like to encourage you today to consider that perhaps your spouse is really everything they once were to you, and everything you are searching for right now. I'm sure they haven't been perfect and I'm quite sure they too have changed. The reality is, we are always changing and maybe, just maybe, you have lost sight of the fact that your spouse really is the very person you want and need, but you cannot see it right now. To try to see what can be, or will be, when we are lost in the middle of the chaos, the hurt, the trauma and the confusion of early recovery is almost an impossible task. It is in fact, more than possible, but perhaps you need some help to see what can be and will be. There is a process to it all, and I know there is help available to every one of you today. I hope you'll be courageous today and get the help you need for you and your spouse. If need be, perhaps the next thing to do is get help for you. If I can help at all, please let me know.

At its worst, endeavoring to reconnect physically after my affair was nothing short of a cauldron of exhaustion and frustration. However, when we were able to sift through the wreckage and actually re-engage, the joy and elation and reward that would result is almost indescribable. If you too are dealing with this type of pain and in the middle of this process, believe me when I say Samantha and I have been there before and feel your pain. Though we are not there anymore, we still remember the agonizing chore it was to communicate through the hurt. For several years now we have enjoyed a wonderfully rich sexual relationship with little to no residue of the past. We never knew it was going to be as hard as it was to reengage, till we got right in the middle of the process and began to be hit by the resistance of it all. I can honestly say, it has been well worth it to enjoy the harmony and unity we now experience emotionally and sexually; especially when sex was our biggest hot button of disagreement and controversy. We didn’t get here by ourselves and we sure didn’t get here without help or without a plan. Every marriage is different and every spouse is a unique individual with unique challenges, triggers, experiences and desires. But here are some examples of what we utilized to get through the pain and hurt of it all and finally start to develop momentum. It’s a few of the pieces to our plan we put in practice to endeavor to rebuild, and I hope it truly encourages you. One of our biggest challenges was understanding what was in fact, reasonable sexual activity throughout the week. Rick sat with us and helped us identify a rhythm to our sex life. He called it “scheduled spontaneity.” We would have sex to the best of our ability every three days. That would be often enough for me to remain connected to Samantha in my love language, and enough for Samantha to feel connected to me and not feel forced to perform in bed to keep me happy. That served as my type of sex. Alternatively, we would then commit to having a business meeting once a week, or as needed (within reason) with Samantha and I, where I had to talk through concerns Samantha had. From bills, to fixing things around the house, to you name it; it was her time to communicate to me face to face about family and life issues. I needed to be present. No phone, no distraction, just talking with her and hopefully finding a resolution to whatever the issue was, and if the solution couldn’t be decided then, we would talk about it again in at least 72 hours, unless it called for a quicker solution. This was her type of sex that in turn made my type of sex better and better. You can see the cycle I’m sure. We decided that we were never to fight or argue when actually in bed. We decided if we were going to fight, or if things got heated in the middle of the discussion, we would not fight in bed but get out of the bed, get dressed, and at some level, allow the bed to be a safe place that was free from the toxicity of drama and arguing. It had been that type of space for long enough. When Samantha had a trigger or reminder, or just plain fell apart, she was to go and contain herself. She was to take at least 5 to 15 minutes to console herself, get herself together and then come back and either talk about it, ask me to hold her, or just lay together and put sex off till another time. I decided I would do whatever Samantha needed me to do to console her, even if that meant not being physically intimate that night and holding off till the night after. Samantha decided she would initiate sex at least twice a week as an effort to take more initiative in having sex and the quest to repair what seemed like rejection to me or indifference to me for quite some time. These are not exhaustive by any means. But they worked for us with incredible effectiveness and to this day, we still hold true to the same patterns. They look a bit different, but the bones are there and for us, it works and it works well. I can only hope and pray for the same with you should you and your spouse be struggling with these issues.

If I had to pinpoint one issue of our recovery that was the most difficult to overcome, it would have to have been our sex life. My affair was highly emotional and highly sexual from the start and sharing the details with Samantha was gut wrenching for her. She was the type of spouse that didn't want to know all the intricate details of it all, but wanted to know the general truths about what went on, what we did, what we didn't do, and for how long. My situation was extremely unique as I had to give up specifics to the situation with absolute clarity as there were some individuals coming to corroborate my story the next day. My affair had been very public, with an unfortunately large audience, and it only added to the shame and embarrassment for both Samantha and myself. If I'm being honest, I would tell you that in many ways my biggest unmet need (which helped to allow the affair) was in fact a lack of affection and attention to my needs and desires as a man and husband. That in no way justifies my affair, but I say that to paint a picture of what a hot button of chaos, anger and resentment sex had become to us during the affair and after. Time after time, during foreplay or during the initial stages of sexual interaction, Samantha would have a terrible reminder. A reminder to the point of having to get up, go to another room and cry. Initially she didn't want to be held. She didn't want to talk about it and early on, couldn't. All she could do was cry, and we would hold off on sex till another night later in the week. Or, alternatively, she would have the same overwhelming emotional triggers, and then want to have sex just to fight back and attempt to regain our intimacy. A more challenging task in recovery with your spouse, I'm unaware of. Samantha's journey was even more difficult due to the fact that my affair partner was very voluptuous and the (what I call) 'comparison factor' was immense. She was constantly comparing herself and her body to the affair partner and we had what seemed like hours of conversation about how she didn't need to compare herself to her and that I wanted what I had, not what I didn't have right now in my life. It was difficult for her to understand that my affair was not about her. It was a monumental task of affirmation and support that was vital to the health of our recovery. I have no problem sharing with you that it was no easy journey through the darkness of the reminders and triggers. But, there was a process and the power many times IS in fact IN the process. We hate that and we don't like it, but there is great truth that what needs to be brought up, is going to be brought up and dealt with: if it fact, you want to heal as a couple and save your sex life. It is more than merely possible to regain your sex life. Later this week I'll share the tools we used to get through it and get to 'the other side' if you will. For now, I'm honored and humbled to share with you our sex life is in fact, several years later, better than it was BEFORE the affair, and has been for at the very least, four years. Samantha would echo my thoughts and let you know we are more than merely fulfilled, and that our intimacy factor is off the chart both in and out of the bedroom. Our sex life has been transformed by the process we used from Rick, and several other sources, and one of the biggest insight's I've gained is that I had all I ever wanted with me as a spouse, I just had no clue how to unlock it in Samantha. Now, I do and it has changed our lives. It won't come easy, and it won't be without some emotional carnage at times and it will most certainly not come without a cost of openness on the betrayed spouse, and humility on the unfaithful spouse. But friends, in no uncertain terms, it is well worth the struggle.

When I talk to people who are thinking about pursuing recovery, many times they ask me if wanting to stay just for the kids is actually enough. Adamantly, I almost always agree with a resounding “YES, it is.” It may be imperfect motivation, but it’s motivation enough. It’s an impetus to get one or both spouses into specialized help, to see if the marriage can be saved. In fact, sometimes it’s the best motivation, as our feelings fail us quite often and on any given day we can feel so much differently about our spouse. It’s just not worth trusting emotion. Especially in the middle of absolute chaos and emotional trauma, to use our feelings for any sort of rudder is to everyone’s detriment. However, with our kids, short of some disappointments here and there, our concern and love for them feels relatively constant, and passionate if you will. Our feelings of love and care for them are less fragile and many times will carry us to a point of what I call “revelatory breakthrough.” What I mean is, when my affair and double life became exposed, I still had so much anger and resentment birthed out of rejection from Samantha and unmet needs which I thought were justified. I wasn’t at any level healed, and wasn’t at any level madly or passionately in love with her and wasn’t clamoring with some driven mantra of “Let’s go save our marriage, let’s go save our marriage.” It was more like “Let’s save our F A M I L Y….the kids need a dad in the home.” At the time, our kids were 4 years, 5 years, and 6 weeks old, and I was willing to attempt to live in the misery just so I could be with my kids. I know it seems sarcastic and a bit dysfunctional (not to mention sordid), but it’s highly normal for an unfaithful spouse to feel this way, and even more normal for an unfaithful spouse to want to save his or her personal family arrangement more than the marriage, at least at the initial entry point of recovery. But take courage, there is hope. More hope than you know. The motivation, although imperfect, was strong enough to get me to do whatever Samantha wanted to do to get help and see if we could save our marriage. The incredible thing was, within about 3 months of good, strong, what we call ‘infidelity – specific’ help, the passionate feelings of love and devotion for Samantha started to return. At first it was like a time release function, yet as the lights began to come on regarding how we both became so dysfunctional and how I became so selfish and self-absorbed, the marriage began to take on a whole new life. As more and more revelation and insight came to me, the passion and true love and motivation to want to be right with Samantha was almost overpowering, and continued to motivate me to do whatever it took to save the marriage. Now, almost 8 years later, my marriage has been fully restored and is unlike anything I could ever imagine. When we launched out into the deep of recovery, I truly had no idea it could be this good at all. As it’s been said, “You can never tell the end of the story by the beginning.”

When my affair became public, many so called “Advisors” came out of the woodwork, as they say. To this day, I still shake my head at some of the things that were said to me and to my wife Samantha, about me, my future, our marriage, our family, and my overall mental health. Looking back now, until we actually found a couple that would help support and lead us, as well as Rick Reynolds here at Affair Recovery, all of them gave us ridiculous advice or assessments of what they thought needed to happen or had genuinely happened to us. I don’t think one of them really acted in love at all, but more out of shock and disappointment from the events they heard had happened. What did in fact happen was truly heinous and grievous. Yet, the gross rumors and wicked gossip about this untruth and that untruth was enough to put anyone over the edge and true Christlike unconditional love anywhere was at a loss. What I’ve found since then, is that in dealing with infidelity, that’s usually the norm. Unless someone has been there before and found their own healing, they just don’t get it nor probably ever will. Love always acts in the best interest of another, and where there is love, there is a conversation and level of advice which is redemptive, supportive and although not condoning of the poor choices or struggles, a genuine concern for the well-being of all parties involved. If you’re not experiencing that, I’d suggest you are surrounded with people who are more shocked, disappointed, grieved, and angry at the situation. And though probably rightfully deserving of their position since the choices of either yourself or your loved one affected them deeply, their advice will not usually prove sound at all when it comes to finding healing and possible restoration. Like Samantha and me, it just might be time to find a new community of support. It might also be time for you to take action and not wait for that community to come to you. Usually it won’t pursue you till after you have pursued it and its members. Regardless of your hesitance to be trapped in a commiserating community, there are genuine people who care for you here at Affair Recovery and want to walk together into the uncertainty of it all, in an attempt to find health and healing. If it’s true that you can never know the end of a story by its beginning, then why not take action now and change the ending so many think is coming their way.

Upon hearing that statement from Rick one day, I about reached over hit him. I was stunned. “How Rick?” After I’ve caused so much damage and so much hurt and pain to both my wife Samantha and many other caught in the crosshairs, how can you say that this might be the best thing that’s ever happened to me? With a whole lot more control, grace and wisdom, Rick simply replied “Think about how much more of an idiot you’d become if God didn’t reach into your life and save you from what you had created….how much more chaos and pain and hurt could have been caused if you weren’t exposed?” He was right. After 7 plus years, I have learned that I have indeed been rescued. The most painful, agonizing experience of my life, though caused by me and not anyone else, was the very thing that saved me and has helped to reshape me as a man, son, father, husband and friend. I know. I know. This seems like a “turn lemons into lemonade” blog. But it’s not. As I’ve said many times before “we learn more through our failures than we ever learn through our successes.” I have come to appreciate and understand grace and mercy through my failure. I’ve learned how valuable family is through my selfishness and self absorption. I have learned we all are going through fire and flame, hell and pain, or at the very least, are on our way to dealing with loss. I’ve never been as compassionate and understanding as I am now, and it sure wasn’t due to theology, seminary, mere-life experiences alone, or top notch sales training. It was due to me living through colossal failure, tear filled eyes, sleepless nights, great uncertainty, and choosing hope when all looked hopeless. This monumental failure was the very way my life was changed for the better, and everyone who is still in my life has reaped the benefit of it. Not better income financially, and not better social status or past reputation, but last time I checked those weren’t the essence of life. Where you sit right now, it may seem hopeless and absolutely miserable. It probably is, to be honest. But we live not for the now friends. We live for what is to come. We live for hope. Not solely for the hope that our marriage will be saved, but for the hope that this whole experience will shape me for the better, regardless of the outcome. One day you will speak with much for compassion, eloquence and zeal. One day many will look into your eyes, or hear your voice and say “yep, he/she get’s it. There is something different about them.” And you’ll have only gotten it through pain, sorrow, and choosing to go forward despite the uncertainty and pain you’ve had to walk through. Just make sure and keep going ‘through.’ Today eludes me, tomorrow disappoints me. Hope has surely left. Quitting seems just, yet emptier. To forge ahead is uncertain and ever so long….. Perhaps that’s what He, the great counselor, has wanted all along. For my eyes to truly see: my heart to truly break: my soul to truly grieve. It’s only through his grace One can ever believe.

Recently Samantha and I were doing some “Vision Casting” in regards to the next season of our marriage and family. It’s been a great two month exercise, but last night we hit a point where we began to talk about our past and how it has shaped our marriage and life, now, almost 8 years later. The question was in regards to joy, pure joy in life as of a result of choices and life changing events and ultimately we came to the question of why people cheat? I can tell you, I’ve made some choices that have wreaked havoc upon my life and countless others. I regret so many of those choices and their indelible mark on so many. Through much therapy and infidelity specific help, I’ve have come to be able to forgive myself, as well as others that affected my decision making process. But prior to my fall, the joy in my life was minimal. I’m not at all saying that lack of joy is why people cheat. It’s simply not the totality of the issue. Early in my marriage, I was truly overjoyed at my marriage and the birth of my three kids. There were also several moments of joy with friends and what not, but honestly, nothing comparing to the joy that occupies my life now. It’s been said happiness is due to circumstances going right, while joy is due to our outlook, faith, and quality of hope. Even after losing so much due to my selfishness, there has been a joy to my life I never, ever saw coming: especially after the destruction that resulted after my affair became public. In many ways the why people cheat question is answered with an understanding of how deep the rabbit hole goes, as they say. In order to cheat we have to lie to ourselves time and time again to justify our actions, and ease the guilt. If we just accepted how dysfunctional our choices are, and how selfish we are, and how confused and self absorbed we are, we’d probably crumble at the guilt of it and find ourselves barely able to function. Coming up from the ashes of our marriage, finances, relationships and overall security has taught Samantha and I so much about joy in life. Though we have several difficulties in life even as I write this, I’m convinced my complete and utter failure has been used to teach us what is important in life and how to rest in a joyful hope. A hope not in my own strength or power, but a hope which has been born out of allowing our relationship to be tried, tested, obliterated and restored. Restoration is absolutely possible. For those that have found restoration and reconciliation with themselves and quite possibly their spouse, I’m quite confident you have found (or are finding) a joy that is not as of a result of circumstances or financial security, but a renewed perspective and redeemed hope in what is truly important and vital in life and in our hearts.

When it all came out, to say my life was rocked was an understatement. Due to the public nature of my position and affair(s), many lives were altered forever. I knew little about life at that point, but I knew I wanted my kids, I wanted my family, and I wanted life to be what it once was. It would never be again. (At least not the way it was before and truth be told, I’m glad it’s not what it once was.) As I started down the long road to recovery with Samantha, it was frustratingly apparent that I was NOT in control. This realization hurt like all hell, as I’m a control freak. Whether it was my professional position, or during college and professional baseball, or almost every other thing in life, I had learned how to “will it so” in my own strength, power and tenacity. Not this time. It would take several breakdown moments to realize this great revelation. I just couldn’t make Samantha heal and I couldn’t make her forgive me and I couldn’t prevent or isolate Samantha enough from the pain of the reminders or triggers or assault she would sometimes feel emotionally and mentally. I have come from some pretty rough upbringing and have had to battle large amounts of adversity my entire life. Those times were dramatically different though. This time, my tenacity would be put to a different test: the ability to endure Samantha’s struggles with my affair and a commitment to allow change in my life as I faced great uncertainty about my family and future with her. I tried to push her and hurry her to heal and get over it. That blew up in my face time and time again till I finally realized how much I was hurting her by trying to hurry her healing up. It simply meant I still had not gotten it yet. More frustration again. It was when I admitted I couldn’t make this happen that things began to take shape. All I could control was the type of man I was allowing myself to become and the efforts I would make at my own recovery. When I turned the focus off Samantha and making sure she would, could and had healed, and simply worked at my own recovery, I saw things change by leaps and bounds. It wasn’t as if I was back in control again, but I was living a surrendered life where all I could control was doing the “next right thing,” and even then I realized that I was still a wreck. Sure I wasn’t in an affair anymore, but I was still confronting my own dark and dysfunctional issues and struggles, and thinking this was going to be an easy recovery was way behind me. Quitting many times seemed like the only option. I later learned it was my pride which wanted me to quit as I was mad that I couldn’t be in control and I couldn’t dictate how things were going to go. I’m happy to say 7 years later, I never knew family life could be as sweet and as rewarding as it is right now, even after an affair. Samantha would whole heartedly agree with me. The issue was not would I get here, but rather would I quit where I was, and quite possibly where some of you might be at right now. I know the pain and the hurt and the frustration. But don’t quit. Do your best to work on YOU, and allow God to work on you. The power many times is in the process of recovery, not this particular day or that particular day.

Recently my family and I went on a two week vacation, picking up a travel trailer along the way and journeying across 4 or 5 different states. The trailer is a bit of a beast, I think at least 24 feet long. My SUV pulls it, but not very well and the gas mileage is something to marvel at (in an expensive, almost regretful way). My oldest wanted to see Vegas and Jodi wanted to see The Grand Canyon again, so we decided The Grand Canyon would be our last stop before we headed home to Texas. I had no idea what kind of drive was ahead of me. The drive there was easy, in fact too easy, and now I was pulling a trailer with (at the very least) a 50 gallon water tank that was completely full. Having so much fun in Vegas, I thought the drive to The Grand Canyon would be easy and fun. Not true. As we headed out, monstrous hill after hill awaited us. Not just hills, but wind like I'd never seen began to blow against us. Then we arrived at the Hoover Dam which is a massive sight to see, but even more of a massive undertaking to drive over in a "High Wind Advisory." The signs were in fact, flashing High Wind Advisory and the "High Profile Vehicles Not Advised" was lit up. At this point, I was convinced they were talking about the semi's that passed by at an impressive speed, as well as tour buses. About ten minutes into the drive, much to my chagrin, it became clear they were in fact talking about us as we were being blown from one lane to another, reaching a top speed of about 50 mph. At the conclusion of the pass, my hands hurt from gripping the steering wheel so hard for so long and I wondered what I had gotten myself into with this endeavor. We did make it across the dam and now I'm pretty confident I can drive that trailer across anything, including ice. I'll never forget the intensity of the wind which would seemingly take control of the SUV and trailer and blow us in one direction or another, with almost little control over when and where we would be blown. Friends it's the same way in recovery as we endeavor to save our marriages and families. One would think that doing the noble thing, trying to save our marriage, would be celebrated and that the stars would somehow "align" for us and make it at the very least, not impossible. This is simply not the case. There is more wind and more resistance than one can itemize out in a simple blog. Yet, if you are trying to cross a Hoover Dam-like situation, I’m quite sure you know it and are encountering some of the most overwhelming chaos and pain you’ve ever felt. It's just plain frustrating and can make you want to pull over, curl up in the fetal position and just quit. But life, much less attempts at recovery, very rarely provide moments to just stop and hide from all the pain, the trauma and heartache. It can seem never ending. But I assure you today, if you press on through the uphill climbs, there will be a downhill. In fact, I’ll never forget when I came into a small town to get gas (again) and eat. It was as if we were heading down a never ending hill, and I don’t think I even pressed the accelerator but once as we coasted for several miles into a small town and had a fantastic lunch together. It wasn’t effortless, but the closest we came to it in over 25 hours of driving. Those down hill’s will come. I assure you. I’ve seen them, tasted them, and enjoyed them in our own recovery. But not until I was willing to push through the uphill swings, and allow my character, my dedication and even my finances to be in it for the long haul. It wasn’t until I was willing to make it up every hill without quitting, that I experienced the downhill exhilaration. You and your spouse can make it. Press through today and don’t you dare let yourself quit.

Francis Schaeffer wrote, “We do not want to deny ourselves. Actually we do everything we can…to put ourselves at the center of the universe. This is where we naturally want to live.” If there was one struggle, one colossal mistake, among the myriad of smaller ones that helped lead to my affair, it was that of outright self-absorption. Somewhere along the line, life became about me and what I wanted and needed and deserved. So when my wife Samantha was having babies, and spending up to 6 months in bed during her pregnancies, vomiting more times in a day than I care to describe, my needs were sent to the back of the bus. For a few weeks I was able to grin and bear it. Sort of put a face on it of sacrifice and humility, and look at how good of a dad and husband I’m being. But as they say, what’s really going on inside you comes out when you’re squeezed: my self-absorption couldn’t be caged any longer. When the other woman appeared, and not only appeared, but melted at my existence, and had only wonderful, admiring things to say about me, and wanted to be with me emotionally and sexually every day, my world began to pick up speed and actually shrink. It had become all about me and I began to buy into the illusion that I needed to be happy and I needed to no longer deny myself, but simply take part of what was being offered to me in honor, affection and outright adoration by this attractive and flirtatious woman. After all, I was at the center of my universe and couldn’t see anything but how I was affected by everyone else’s actions. I did what many caught in affairs do, and accepted the fact that Samantha was a great mom, but a terrible wife. Perhaps I had married the wrong person. Perhaps the affair partner and I were meant to be together instead of my wife and I. Maybe this was all a sign and I needed to take action. I was seduced by the illusion of it all and gave way to one of the most powerful addictions in existence: “self-addiction.” It was all about me. What I wanted. What I needed. What I deserved. What I was feeling. The pre-imminence of what I deserved as a hard working, married man who had needs and desires that were going unnoticed. How wrong I was and how deceived I had become. It’s truly sad to think of how much of a self-absorbed wrecking ball I was for anyone and everyone in my life. If you’re trying to heal today, one of the best things you can do is remind yourself each day that this is NOT just about YOU. As long as you are addicted to yourself, and your focus is on yourself, your mate will never find the healing that they need. I promise you, YOU will also never find the true, internal and life changing healing that is available for you. My own recovery never really took off till I put my focus on Samantha and her recovery first. Then, almost seamlessly, my recovery began to flourish and life made so much more sense, even in the midst of great pain and anguish.

When it all came out, to say my life was rocked was an understatement. Due to the public nature of my position and affair(s), many lives were altered forever. I knew little about life at that point, but I knew I wanted my kids, my family, and I wanted life to be what it once was. It would never be again. (At least not the way it was before and truth be told, I’m glad it’s not what it once was) As I started down the long road to recovery with Samantha, it was frustratingly apparent that I was NOT in control. This realization hurt like all hell, as I’m a control freak. Whether it was my professional position, or during college and professional baseball, or almost every other thing in life, I had learned how to “will it so” in my own strength, power and tenacity. Not this time. It would take several breakdown moments to realize this great revelation. I just couldn’t make Samantha heal and I couldn’t make her forgive me and I couldn’t prevent or isolate Samantha enough from the pain of the reminders or triggers or assault she would feel sometimes emotionally and mentally. I have come from some pretty rough upbringing and have had to battle large amounts of adversity my entire life. Those times were dramatically different though. This time, my tenacity would be put to a different test: the ability to endure Samantha’s struggles with my affair and a commitment to allow change in my life as I faced great uncertainty about my family and future with her. I tried to push her and hurry her to heal and get over it: that blew up in my face time and time again till I finally realized how much I was hurting her by trying to hurry her healing up. It simply meant I still had not gotten it yet. More frustration again. It was when I admitted I couldn’t make this happen, that things began to take shape. All I could control was the type of man I was allowing myself to become and the efforts I would make at my own recovery. When I turned the focus off Samantha and making sure she would, could and had healed, and simply worked at my own recovery, I saw things change by leaps and bounds. It wasn’t as if I was back in control again, but I was living a surrendered life where all I could control was doing the “next right thing,” and even then I realized that I was still a wreck. Sure I wasn’t in an affair anymore, but I was still confronting my own dark and dysfunctional issues and struggles, and thinking this was going to be an easy recovery was way behind me. Quitting many times seemed like the only option. I later learned it was my pride which wanted me to quit as I was mad that I couldn’t be in control and I couldn’t dictate how things were going to go. I’m happy to say 7 years later, I never knew family life could be as sweet and as rewarding as it is right now, even after an affair. Samantha would whole heartedly agree with me. The issue was not would I get here, but rather would I quit where I was, and quite possibly where some of you might be at right now. I know the pain and the hurt and the frustration. But don’t quit. Do your best to work on YOU, and allow God to work on you. The power many times is in the process of recovery, not this particular day or that particular day.

Lately I have had many pose the question, “Do you think my spouse, who’s been unfaithful, can fall back in love with me again?” It’s interesting that the betrayed spouse is asking this question, as they know their betrayer is distant and has allowed their heart to either temporarily or ultimately beat for another. With most affairs eventually and completely blowing up, many wonder if the damage can be restored and the carnage repaired. The answer is a resounding YES, from personal experience. Not only from a clinical perspective is it possible, but from a personal, experiential perspective, it is possible for our hearts to beat with passion, romance, and joy for our spouse whom we’ve betrayed, and possibly even fallen out of love with. Upon D-Day (the day of disclosure of my affair), if you were to ask me if I was madly in love with my wife at the time, I think I’d have to be honest and say that I was not. I loved her. I also knew she was an exceptional, almost unparalleled mother to our children. She was a great best friend to several, and a very kind listening ear to many. But as a wife, I was unfulfilled due to my own self absorption and perpetual need for affirmation I had allowed in my life. My continual struggle to save our marriage had ultimately ended and I was simply living out the duplicity, with internal shame and confusion, cowardly allowing the affair to continue. I can tell you though, with help from an EMS, and adjoining Hope for Healing Class, I am more in love with my wife Samantha than ever before. Not what I call “Tolerant Love” where you do your best to love your spouse simply for the kids. Not just what I also call “Acceptance Love” where you just accept that this is as good as it’s going to get, and begin to live out your passions and romance elsewhere. But a passionate, joy filled love that continues to grow each and every year. If I had to name it I’d call it a “Never Thought This Could Exist Love.“ A kind of love that I never thought could be this rich, fulfilling, or even possible, after all we had been through, and how cold I allowed my heart to become. From personal experience, I think I understand what it’s like as an unfaithful spouse who tried to make his marriage work. I think I have a handle on what it’s like to try and fail, try and fail, and ultimately give up and simply live in the duplicity and hopelessness of the situation with little hope for things to ever change. Yet, I can assure you, regardless of how the affair has come about, or how it has been exposed, if you will take action, and begin to get help for your situation, I will say from personal experience, your marriage can be saved and redeemed. Face the facts today friends, your situation is probably bigger than you and your own savior-like ability to fix, and requires that you reach out, get specialized help from proven techniques and programs, and start to heal.

Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs, was such a wonderful book of clarity and insight for Samantha and I that I try and re-read it about once or twice a year. If we hit a rough spot in our marriage, I read it even more. (Let’s hope I only have to read it once this year.) A quote I originally took issue with in Love and Respect was, “She doesn’t cause me to be the way I am, she REVEALS the way I am. If I react in an unloving way, then it reveals I still have issues going on inside me.” I first hated that statement as I took a totally different approach to the realization that if she was this way, then I’d be that way. But what I quickly came to realize was, I was responsible for my reaction REGARDLESS of what came my way both in marriage and in life. I’m old enough now and have experienced enough pain to realize that my response is purely my responsibility. It doesn’t mean that Samantha doesn’t need to make adjustments as well. It doesn’t mean that Samantha is perfect and always responds the right way either. It doesn’t mean that Samantha doesn’t have things she needs to work on too. But at the end of the day friends, our response is our responsibility; and I am the foremost to realize I react wrongly all the stinkin time and I hate it. But I’ve learned through our whole ordeal to repent quickly, turn from it, learn from it, and do my very best (with the grace of God alongside me) to change. The turning point for me came when I realized that regardless of what action Samantha took, my response was my responsibility and that until I could digest that and make it part of my approach to life and to marriage and offense, I was going to find myself more and more frustrated and unfulfilled. I pray all of us cherish this truth and make it part of our approach to every meaningful relationship in life.

It’s a pretty common occurrence during recovery that anger can arrive like a freight train out of nowhere. What’s even more common than anger is depression and raw hopelessness. These emotions are never triggered more than when a fight arrives due to a “reminder” or due to some sort of trigger in the betrayed spouse, or sometimes even the betrayer. When the exchange takes shape, both spouses can feel “stuck,” frustrated, or just plain exhausted. How we react in this moment can be very defining for recovery and for the humility we the betrayer have arrived at, or failed to arrive at. How we diffuse the argument, the trigger, the reminder, and the intrusive thought can be ground easily gained, or ground horribly lost. Due to our inability to be in the moment or aware of just how much our betrayed spouse is struggling, we fail when we overlook the significance of our mate’s emotions and trauma. Yet, as we walk through these moments which can seem almost endless, we have to remember we are not living just for today. It may go against some very sound wisdom like “Seize the Day” and” Carpe Diem” Or better yet, “Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself.” Great points indeed and I certainly wouldn’t try and disagree with them at their critical mass point of understanding. What I do mean though, is that our recovery is not wrapped up in just TODAY and the events of today. That’s all or nothing thinking that can be toxic, depressing and addictive in and of itself. Though today might be rough, and terrible, and full of grief, sorrow, reminders and depression, the rest of our recovery is not wrapped up in how today goes. I’m not living just for today, as there will be a tomorrow, and though today may have been rough, and though today may have been one of the hardest days we’ve had in a long while, the fact is, how I handle and process today and today’s upheaval or even successful conquest, will affect my tomorrows to come. One of the best things to remember is, I WANT A TOMORROW and I WANT A TOMORROW WITH MY WIFE AND PRECIOUS FAMILY. In recovery, whether it is six years later, or six months later, we must hold in our minds the fact that we are sowing and we are plowing for many days down the road. And perhaps, today may have won in terms of sadness, or reflection. There are more days ahead that will be most certainly blessed, rewarding, and full of so much joy, if I will not put my hope in only today and not just live in today’s struggle and pain. It is true I may need to humble myself incredibly, and die to my own agenda and my own pain for the moment, that it is not going to define my entire recovery or define my entire approach to recovery. It just means that “this day” has been rough and “this day” has been overwhelmingly painful for Samantha; and for me. Just because today we have lost a battle, it doesn’t mean that I, or we, or my marriage or family will lose the war of recovery to arrive at a restored, reconciled marriage in the long run. Also vital is the understanding that I might be right in my claim. I also might be right in my feelings of under appreciation, or being done wrong by my spouse’s anger or treatment of me or how they are shaming me or attacking me in this current moment. However, is the goal to win the argument, or win the relationship? Is it to win at restoration and recovery? If I have to overlook or remind myself of what has ultimately transpired to then see our marriage healed and restored later down the road, I’m more than happy to do so. My goal is not just to survive this hour, or this day, but to keep my eyes on the prize of walking out my recovery for the long term and the long haul which will be more rewarding and fulfilling than I can imagine. We’re living not just for today, but for the days ahead friends.

Samantha and the kids were on a plane to Texas and I was at our California home, finishing up the cleaning out process of moving. At one time, I think I would have had probably 50 people helping us move and clean out our home that we loved. Now, after the fall, and after the dust was still trying to settle, it was just me. I had lost all our friends and staff due to my failure and it had been a long few days with movers, deep contemplation, overwhelming depression and a weight of uncertainty I’ve not ever felt in my entire life. Finally, after I had removed all the debris from the home and it was just an empty shell, I experienced one of the darkest moments I’ve ever experienced. We had lived in that home since my middle child was born. She was now 4 and my youngest was 5 weeks old. As I walked through the house, it all began to hit me like a ton of bricks. Life as I knew it was completely over and so many memories of my family began to overtake me emotionally. Memories of so much happiness with my kids and seeing them grow and experience life…my oldest learning to walk, my middle child getting baths in the sink when she was soo small. Sleepless nights of cholic, party after party with our friends and staff; all of it a distant memory overshadowed with regret due to my failure. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such pain before in my life than that moment. It’s one of the most present feelings I can go back to at any moment I choose. I think I had to make myself go numb out of sheer self protection as I would have to start the drive to Texas in just a few moments. I simply couldn’t feel all that there was to feel. I didn’t have the capacity. If I did, I don’t think I would have ever stopped crying to leave for Texas. We had no hope and we had very little support system. The uncertainty of life was immense, but yet we eventually chose to go forward. I think if I’m being honest, in recovery, the sheer willingness to not quit is moving forward. Now, 7 years later, I sit in our Texas home, far greater in size, stature and freedom than our previous homes. It has more space, beauty and signs of emotional restoration than I could ever imagine when I left California that day. Restoration is just like that. We don’t want restoration to what once was. After all, what once was created the opportunity for the failure in the first place. We want restoration to what we can’t even see or fathom. A restored place of hope, strength, joy and unforeseen beauty that will be both rewarding and fulfilling for all parties involved. It’s possible. Sure it’s messy. Sure it’s tough and an absolute emotional grind some days. But what is in fact possible and available, is more than worth it.