Living for Today or Another Day

It’s a pretty common occurrence during recovery that anger can arrive like a freight train out of nowhere. What’s even more common than anger is depression and raw hopelessness. These emotions are never triggered more than when a fight arrives due to a “reminder” or due to some sort of trigger in the betrayed spouse, or sometimes even the betrayer. When the exchange takes shape, both spouses can feel “stuck,” frustrated, or just plain exhausted. How we react in this moment can be very defining for recovery and for the humility we the betrayer have arrived at, or failed to arrive at. How we diffuse the argument, the trigger, the reminder, and the intrusive thought can be ground easily gained, or ground horribly lost. Due to our inability to be in the moment or aware of just how much our betrayed spouse is struggling, we fail when we overlook the significance of our mate’s emotions and trauma.

Yet, as we walk through these moments which can seem almost endless, we have to remember we are not living just for today. It may go against some very sound wisdom like “Seize the Day” and” Carpe Diem” Or better yet, “Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself.” Great points indeed and I certainly wouldn’t try and disagree with them at their critical mass point of understanding.

What I do mean though, is that our recovery is not wrapped up in just TODAY and the events of today. That’s all or nothing thinking that can be toxic, depressing and addictive in and of itself. Though today might be rough, and terrible, and full of grief, sorrow, reminders and depression, the rest of our recovery is not wrapped up in how today goes. I’m not living just for today, as there will be a tomorrow, and though today may have been rough, and though today may have been one of the hardest days we’ve had in a long while, the fact is, how I handle and process today and today’s upheaval or even successful conquest, will affect my tomorrows to come. One of the best things to remember is, I WANT A TOMORROW and I WANT A TOMORROW WITH MY WIFE AND PRECIOUS FAMILY.

In recovery, whether it is six years later, or six months later, we must hold in our minds the fact that we are sowing and we are plowing for many days down the road. And perhaps, today may have won in terms of sadness, or reflection. There are more days ahead that will be most certainly blessed, rewarding, and full of so much joy, if I will not put my hope in only today and not just live in today’s struggle and pain.

It is true I may need to humble myself incredibly, and die to my own agenda and my own pain for the moment, that it is not going to define my entire recovery or define my entire approach to recovery. It just means that “this day” has been rough and “this day” has been overwhelmingly painful for Samantha; and for me. Just because today we have lost a battle, it doesn’t mean that I, or we, or my marriage or family will lose the war of recovery to arrive at a restored, reconciled marriage in the long run.

Also vital is the understanding that I might be right in my claim. I also might be right in my feelings of under appreciation, or being done wrong by my spouse’s anger or treatment of me or how they are shaming me or attacking me in this current moment. However, is the goal to win the argument, or win the relationship? Is it to win at restoration and recovery? If I have to overlook or remind myself of what has ultimately transpired to then see our marriage healed and restored later down the road, I’m more than happy to do so. My goal is not just to survive this hour, or this day, but to keep my eyes on the prize of walking out my recovery for the long term and the long haul which will be more rewarding and fulfilling than I can imagine.

We’re living not just for today, but for the days ahead friends.

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Living for today......

Sir. Sam, I would agree, sometimes it comes from out of know were and I thought I was past this or that or that my spouse was past this or that. We are not special in our recovery, it happens. I can easily get caught up in winning the fight instead of just letting it be what it is, his feelings, not mine. Time does not heal all wounds...work on my recovery does!

Sometimes we get caught up in the woulda, shoulda, then the logical one (my spouse) says "Why are we even talking about this its stupid ,we are together and moving on".......Part of the process of recovery. Together we can lose sight of right now , and no good comes from it.

Looking at what I did that got us here in the first place is something I have to keep in the fore front of my mind....I am luckey and greatful my husband is still with me after what I did. Lord knows if it was the other way around with my pride and drama....someone would be dead! And that someone would not be me!!! Thank you for your article it was a good ego check!

Jana

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