Survivors Blog: 

Samuel

Every time I send someone to the site for hope, insight and perspective, eventually I’ll hear from someone, “But you don’t understand, our story is so different……” Or another one is, “Well in your story, he or she was sorry for what they did, my spouse is not.” Or a classic is, “But our story is so much worse.” While I understand the pain you may be in, those that have poured their heart out here would argue that their story was excruciating in every sense of the word. They would also tell you that though the stories may have some changes and some twists and turns, the fact is, it was the worst for them. The fact is, many of you are seeing your story right now as you are living through it. The chapter may not be closed yet. Every great story has at least one rough chapter, sometimes two or three. This may be that rough chapter. To decide about the whole book right now would be a mistake for some. As Rick says, “You can’t tell the end of a story by the way it begins.” I know some of you have already experienced divorce. I’m truly sorry for that, and I know it hurts at the core of your person. I pray you are able to find hope and healing for what you’ve gone through, and I’m sure you’d love to have been able to see restoration, if your spouse was safe, and willing to stop acting out. Your life still has purpose and meaning and value, though your road is unique I’m sure. Those that are in agony right now may think your story is worse, but I don’t think that’s the dominant issue here. It may have some unique elements about it, but for the betrayed spouse, I’m sure they’d tell you they couldn’t imagine feeling worse about what they have felt, or are feeling. But for those who would think “our story is so much worse,” I’d invite you to consider that you probably don’t know the entirety of those stories you are comparing yourself with. You probably don’t know all the twists and turns or the things that weren’t shared in the hundred word blog that was on the site. Sometimes we want to think our story is worse so that we can minimize someone else’s story, and remain stuck. Sometimes, we want to think our story is worse so that we have an excuse to quit trying, fighting, believing and pushing ahead. It’s also not uncommon for us to want to think our story is worse so we can justify giving up. I felt that way too, so please don’t feel any judgment, but only associated grief with the pain you are feeling. For those that have the chance today, push on. Get the right kind of help. Do what you can, with what you have, to find the best expert resource you can to see if your story can change. Then, and only then, if your spouse is not safe and unwilling to change, perhaps that chapter needs to close.

I was studying for a message the other day and stumbled upon a fantastic sermon. I didn’t catch his name, but I heard an analogy that was spot on for crisis and transition in life. When in the birthing room, there are typically three key individuals in the room: the mother, the baby, and the midwife. In the process of birth, the baby comes to what they call the “point of transition,” or “the point of no return.” The baby is no longer in the womb, and but is not yet in the world. It’s a transition, but it’s a unique place. It’s this backdrop which creates the image of the three key players, or in this case, three stages we go through as a couple or an individual who is trying to heal. The mother is consumed by the pain. Of course she is, it hurts like hell. She is focused mainly on managing the pain. The pain is off the charts, and whether it’s drugs, pain numbers, or an epidural, the main struggle is how to deal with the pain of it all. When we are in the ‘mother stage’ if you will, we are consumed with finding management for the pain.  We look for pain management relationships, books to read on pain, people to talk to about our pain, and how to find relief for the pain. The pain is about all we can focus on, and it’s real life pain which is more like trauma. The baby is different. The baby, if it had a voice, would be along the lines of “Why are you inconveniencing me? Why must I leave what I have? Free food, free transportation, climate control, you name it, why do I need to leave? And, you want me to go where? Let’s just leave things the way they are, and go forward with what we have.” The baby doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. The baby says ”Let’s just put it past us and move on. Why make changes when things are going well enough for me? Let’s keep things the way they are. Sure, I’ll grow, and sure I’ll get bigger, but let’s just let it be and enjoy what we have. It’s the best it’s going to get. Stop trying to push me.” The midwife however, has a job. Her main job is to birth the baby.  It’s to get the baby out of the womb and to produce the child that the pain and inconvenience is surrounding. The midwife is calm, strategic, and has a plan. The midwife is aware of the pain, and is aware of the inconvenience this is to the baby, but has her mind on the baby and what is going to be produced by the process in which all three stages, or players, are involved in.  Without the midwife, the baby will not come, or much worse, the baby will get stuck in the birth canal. This is where brain damage happens, and this is where if not careful, the baby can become injured due to frustration. The baby will be born for sure, but what kind of condition will the baby be in and what damage will be done to the child if the process isn’t strategic? The midwife has an awesomely difficult job, of managing pain, managing some inherent refusal to change, and the process by which the baby will be born in all its glory, splendor, and beauty. The midwife knows that eventually a baby is going to be born and the pain and the hurt will eventually fade away, to be forgotten in time. Recovery can be beautiful my friends. It truly can. The new birth of your marriage can be both glorious and beautiful. It will most likely be messy, and will definitely require some pain, some inconvenience, and sacrifice. It will most definitely require a “midwife.” That midwife may be Rick Reynolds, or one of his programs, or an expert of his caliber. You can also use these three key players as stages you are going to go through. My hope is you will come to the midwife stage where you say, “there is a purpose to this pain and there is a promise of a better marriage we are birthing here. We can’t get lost in the pain, or the inconvenience or resistance, but must get enveloped by the purpose of birthing our recovery and our new marriage right now.” I pray we all become midwives for our marriage, our future, and our own recovery. 

How many betrayed spouses have I heard recite their unfaithful spouse’s new mantra, or as some would call it, their “get out of jail free card.” Known lately as the mantra of ambivalence and indifference, “I love you, I’m just not IN LOVE with you,” is one of the most hurtful yet equally ludicrous statements a person can make. When you claim that you love someone, but are not in love with them, you reveal your immaturity and your deception about what love is. Real live adult love is when you choose to love someone long after the infatuation and child-like fantasy love fades. It’s when you choose to act in the best interest of another and not just yourself. True love is to remain committed to the choice you made years prior when you were just as ‘in love’ with your spouse as you allegedly are now with your affair partner. True love means understanding people change and no one just wakes up having grown distant from their spouse and had an affair. No one just wakes up and ruins their life. There is a progression, and though the unfaithful would like to say the progression was their spouse changing over time, usually it’s the unfaithful spouse who has changed over time and finally cannot resist the lust and enticement of an affair partner due to feeling inadequate, empty, or unfulfilled. We all change. We all go through a time of metamorphosis, and let’s face it; life gets in the way of romance, passion and our own responsibility to manage our life while married. I’m not saying that spouses do not change over time, and that spouses do not fade away from commitments they made early on. However, to think an unfaithful spouse simply claims falling out of love as an excuse to wreak havoc upon another human being (not to mention their children) is not only heartless, but is indicative of their own shame and confusion. Unfortunately, the affair partner has often put these very words in the mind of the unfaithful spouse as a passive aggressive weapon against the betrayed spouse. Time after time the new found romance and passion replaces the long term committed love, and the adult you were married too is suddenly more like a child throwing a tantrum to get what they want. Some unfaithful spouses over the years have opened up and admitted to me that it was easier to blame their spouse for their affair, when in reality the unfaithful spouse felt a very high level of shame for allowing their marriage to end up where it did. Blame is easier to focus on than shame. If there is any way to make this someone else’s fault and allow myself to be the victim I will jump on board that train in a heartbeat. They knew they should have gotten help earlier. Or they should have been aware enough to see how the tide was changing and intervened. They didn’t, now they don’t like what their marriage has become, forgetting that a marriage has two parties. Just as much as their spouse has changed (for the negative), they too have changed. While there may be a few exceptions, one has to own up to the idea that over time we digress. If we are not intentional about our marriage and our relationships, they instinctively decay. I’ve heard Rick say you have to work for progress, when you stand still you’re actually sliding backwards. Kids, mortgage payments and day-to-day stressors simply get in the way of romance, passion, and even friendship if we do not have the right perspective and understanding of what real life is all about. No life ever backslides enough to justify having an affair. But if we want to heal or if we want clarity for our own life, we need to be able to look back and answer the question, “How did we get here?” “I love you, I’m just not in love with you,” is a crock. It’s also one of those contradictory statements. The reality is, if you love me, then you’d act in my best interest and help me heal rather than ripping my heart out at every turn. It’s a weapon of justifying an affair and trying feel better about ourselves, though there is little to no mature truth behind the statement. Healing from infidelity requires both parties to own up to what seems like a sea of bad choices and mistakes. I would like you to consider the possibility though, that many times we sit back and allow our marriage to change, and we do nothing to turn the ship. Instead of fighting the tide and giving everything we’ve got to stay on course, we choose to have an affair. It won’t heal us. It won’t make things better. It’s like a drug that promises to please, but only enslaves and dominates our lives, leaving a trail of broken hearts, lives and commitments.

If you’re like me, you hate transition or change. Actually, I love change when it benefits me, makes me more money, or brings some sort of blessing. What I hate is the time period where you are in-between where you were and where you want to be. It’s miserable, agonizing and will most certainly stretch you for all your worth. As my father-in-law says so well, “It will most certainly test your metal.” Consider the story from the book of Luke below…. 22 Now on one of those days Jesus and His disciples got into a boat, and He said to them, “Let us go over to the other side of the lake.” So they launched out. 23 But as they were sailing along He fell asleep; and a fierce gale of wind descended on the lake, and they began to be swamped and to be in danger. 24 They came to Jesus and woke Him up, saying, “Master, Master, we are perishing!” And He got up and rebuked the wind and the surging waves, and they stopped, and it became calm. 25 And He said to them, “Where is your faith?” They were fearful and amazed, saying to one another, “Who then is this, that He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him?”  Luke 8:22-25 As was true in the above story, it’s when we endeavor to go to the other side of infidelity that we not only find difficulty and resistance, but what the text calls ‘fierce gales of wind’ which seem only to frustrate us, humiliate us and reveal what’s truly going on inside of us. Most of what we find inside when we’re out of control is far more dark than light, and introduces us to a deeper level of darkness in ourselves. When we feel we are sinking or ‘perishing,’ we very easily panic. I know for sure I do. We’re looking for something, or someone to hold on to. If there was ever a time in our lives when we felt as though we deserved some sense of grace or mercy and for circumstances to be easier, it would be now. Nevertheless, it’s when we encounter a season of change or transition that things almost never go as planned. I’m awed by the fact that Jesus, aware of the fierce storm, stands and says to them (upon simply speaking to the storm) “Where is your faith?” Another translation says “Why don’t you trust me?” For me, I think I have an extremely hard time trusting, or believing, when I can’t see the outcome I want. In reality, I want our journey to be easy. I very wrongly and pridefully believe I deserve things to be easy. I want life without bumps, without resistance. I want to be in control of it and to have it be somewhat predictable. Recovery is usually far from predictable, and forces us to realize we do not have the power in and of ourselves to make circumstances bow their knee to our human dominion. If they did, we’d probably screw them up even more than we already have, and rest assured, if we are in control, we cannot be trusted. I truly believe we have to allow recovery to run its course, holding on to the fact that we have a God who controls storms simply by speaking to them. We also have the opportunity to find a boat which will carry us to the other side, if we will stay in it and trust it. That boat is a proven curriculum and approach you’ll find here at Affair Recovery.   Perhaps the whole time in the boat, Jesus wanted them to cry out to Him? Maybe he wanted them to keep sailing, and realize He had it all under control, and to fix their eyes on what the other side was going to look like and feel like? I don’t know, but I know he wouldn’t have allowed the boat, the storm, or had even called them to go to the other side if he didn’t want to get them there. Good Growth in any area of your life doesn't just happen. YOU have to force growth by embracing resistance. Everything grows but not everything grows better. You have the power to FORCE Good Growth. Do the hard things in life and you will get to live. Do the easy things in life and you will simply survive.

It’s a very common occurrence, that when a spouse is trying to heal from either their own infidelity or their spouse’s, they try to make decisions about the future. On the front end, there would appear to be many strikes against them.  From the nature of the affair, to the length of the affair, to multiple affair partners, to having to work with the affair partner: the issues can be mind boggling. Many still think Samantha is mentally imbalanced for staying with me. Many times spouses will utter phrases to me like “There’s so much going against us, how will we ever make it?” Or, “Our situation is so different,” and quite usually it’s not, but they are trying to get an idea of what the future will look like. They’re also pondering whether there is a future at all with their spouse.  But, they are not there yet, and they are on the very front end of the journey trying to decide what to do. To try and make decisions about what you will do down the road isn’t proactive. Just like the spouse that says early on in marriage, “If you ever cheat, it’s a deal breaker and I’ll be gone.” Then their spouse has an affair, kids are now in the picture, and life looks a whole lot different. What we seemed so sure about then isn’t the case anymore: and that’s OK.    It’s just not that easy. As we all say, everyone says what they will do if there is infidelity until they have to go through it. What I’ve heard Rick say to many people is to stop making decisions about events that haven’t happened yet. I’m not sure how you will overcome situations. I’m not sure how your spouse will be able to still work with the affair partner, or if they can at all. I’m not sure how you’ll be able to police your spouse while they are away from you, and if that’s even a real option. I’m also not sure what life will look like for the spouse that’s been unfaithful several times, over several years. I don’t know if you can forgive them and really enjoy freedom. I know you can, but I’m not sure you will want to. What I do know is there is a plan to help you, for now and for then.  When we need to cross that bridge we’ll cross it. For now, even though every one of us is in a different stage, I’d encourage you to focus on the moment you’re in right now and make decisions to get help to start to forge ahead. If after you get the help you need, and your spouse is unwilling to then manage their own recovery, perhaps you’ll need to create space between you and them. If after you both have gotten expert help, and your spouse refuses to stay accountable and share where they are at, or to return calls quickly or other accountability measures, then you may need to take a step back and implement some consequences to that behavior. Having to still work with the affair partner for example, will only work after help has been implemented. It is possible, but requires expert strategy and requires getting the right kind of help for the situation. Who knows if your spouse will be able to forgive you, or you will be able to experience forgiveness as you go forward in your marriage. But to sit and wonder and remain paralyzed, and not try to forgive and see what life will look like, is a recipe for disaster indeed. There are a few must needed questions you do need to answer now. Such as where are you going to get help? Are you open to restoration? Are you or your spouse willing to get help? Are you really aware of what divorce looks like? Are you prepared to go through all the stages to finally divorce, when possibly there could be change? I’d suggest answering those questions before you try and answer questions about how you’ll enjoy your later years together, or whether or not you can be physically intimate again, or the litany of questions along those lines. You don’t know what you just don’t know….and that’s more than OK. But if you do know you want to try, then here’s what I would emphatically say to you my friend: 1.       Get expert help. 2.       Get it right now. 3.       Take it slow and watch the progress before you make any final decisions. 4.       Don’t quit till you’re convinced there is no hope.

Of course they are, is the harsh, straightforward answer. The cold hard truth is, they are in an affair, and they are in their own mind, happier when they are with their affair partner. Most definitely they are comparing you to their affair partner. However the fact is, you can’t win in this game. It’s destined for failure. The reason you can’t win is you are competing with a fantasy, and in our own fantasies we get to play God. Both in life and in fantasies we can’t beat an all sovereign God and in the mind of an unfaithful spouse, they are typically captivated by the emotional or sexual component (or ‘hook’) that the affair partner has in them. They play God and design their own euphoria. To compare a spouse who has other responsibilities and real life with bills, expectations, mood swings, deadlines, kids, diapers, work, stress and overall normalcy with a fantasy of non-stop affection, a Romeo and Juliet mentality of ‘the world is against us, but we’re destined to be together’ (not to mention emotional and/or sexual adrenaline) and no expectations except to make me feel better about myself… how can you compete with that? You just can’t. I encourage you not to even try to compete with such a fantasy. It’s not real life, and later you’ll hate yourself and have more to work through in your own healing if you stoop to the affair partner’s level. You may have some very hard conversations with yourself and reevaluate what is lacking in your marriage, sure. I would encourage you to not compare yourself with the affair partner, but to simply say “how can I be a better person in this moment and in the future?” It doesn’t assume that their affair is your fault, but perhaps it would be wise to (at the right time) ask yourself what changes do I need to make in myself and how I relate to my spouse? I’m sure there may need to be some changes in your marriage and perhaps this affair is the opportunity to see a reprogramming of sorts to the way you do marriage. They will still need to take responsibility for their choices, and will have a lot of work to do emotionally. That’s a fact. However, to not take ownership of your own failures or struggles is short sighted and will complicate matters down the road as you venture into recovery. Getting back to toxic comparisons though, my affair partner threw herself at me. She would turn on a dime for my attention and for my affection. She was just as unhealthy as I was. Samantha couldn’t compete with her, and honestly she didn’t try. Once we were able to gain some momentum in pursuit of restoration, there were some significant times where she had to have some very sobering conversations with Rick and myself about changes she needed to make and where she had let our marriage become vulnerable. Keep in mind, vulnerability does not guarantee infidelity. My affair partner didn’t have kids. My affair partner didn’t have the responsibilities a married woman with three kids had, nor did she have a ministry, another business and people clamoring for her husband’s attention. She also didn’t have a husband who traveled once a week on a plane. In fact, my affair partner was the one traveling with me most of the time.  She enjoyed the best of my time, and Samantha received the left overs. Unfortunately, I also for a time received Samantha’s leftovers. Marriage is real life. Like all things that matter in life, marriage also requires hard work to love the one you have chosen. Affairs are fantastical, selfish endeavors which don’t reflect what real love is like or requires or expects. 

As I was responding to a comment on my previous blog, I felt the need to bring more clarity to just what is going on in the mind of the unfaithful and what emotions go through their head when thinking of their AP. Early on, when things are difficult and you both are wading through the insanity of it all, (the fighting, the anger, the venom, the confusion and the chaos) the unfaithful may be thinking of the AP wondering if this marriage can be saved. Things are so rough and so uncertain they may be thinking about how doing the right thing is harder than doing the wrong thing. Early on, they may be having trouble breaking free from the romance of it all, but that is early on. As the process gets harder or tougher, they still may have thoughts about them, but they are consciously trying to press forward and undo what they’ve done. It’s harder to un-tie themselves from the bond they’ve established, emotionally or sexually, and they’ll most certainly need help. Hope for Healing is a wonderful program to help untie them as well as teach them how to untie themselves from the bondage they have created to the affair partner. The further away they get from the affair, the tide turns immensely. As I was sharing with an anonymous friend who left a comment, the fact is, when I think of my AP now, it’s not a romantic X rated porn movie in any sense. It’s a sea of sobriety, remembering the destruction and pain I created which then reiterates why I never want to have another affair again. Somewhere around the one and half year point past D Day, Samantha was thinking of my AP more than I was. She was comparing herself, wondering if I was thinking about my AP when we had sex or even when we were just having fun together. I really wasn’t but she was convinced I was. It took time and strategy and some tough conversations to get through it. When I reflect today upon my choices and my affair, I can tell you I hate the fact that I screwed up so bad. I’m sure your post-unfaithful spouse does too. I’m sure they hate what they’ve done, and how they’ve hurt you. (Note: if they are still in the middle of the affair or still in the stage of justifying the affair they are nowhere near this reality yet. Be patient. Clarity will come but not in an instant.) Those that have some distance from the affair partner may not be able to express their sorrow for what they’ve done, but more than likely the further they get from the illusion of the affair the more they will be able to articulate. I think if you ask anyone who has a few years under their belt, they’ll tell you they hate what they did for what it did to their spouse, and what it did to themselves. I will attest to that for sure. One day Samantha and I were ‘jabbing’ at each other and being sarcastic. It soon turned heated and serious and she said “Well maybe I want to have an affair.”  I had no idea she would say such a statement. It was on the tip of my tongue as if I had thought about it a 1,000 times at least. Without even a mere pause I remember saying “Sure, go ahead. Try living with yourself afterwards and hating yourself every single day of your life and wanting to kill yourself. Let me know how that works for you, because I can tell you it supremely sucks.” The silence was deafening and to this day, I’d like to never, ever, feel that quiet again. It was the same quiet I felt when my wife and kids had moved to Texas, and I sat in our California home, after everyone had left and moved out, and I wept in my house for the nightmare I was living, but couldn’t wake up from. The holier a man becomes, the more he mourns over the unholiness which remains in him – Charles Spurgeon

The short answer is yes. The longer answer is, yes, because you cannot have a relationship of that magnitude and simply turn it off.  It’s a process to break free. It will take strategy for sure and it will take rock solid commitment to the process. There will be ups and there will be downs, as there is when healing from any life changing event. However, it’s more than possible for your spouse to break free from the hold of their AP. It’s been 8 years since our own F5 tornado touched down in our lives.  We call that D Day. For the first 6 months or so post disclosure, I played with my phone almost every day, all day out of habit. My AP and I texted all day every day and life after the affair was radically different. Samantha was not in a place to talk to me that often, and unlike some of you, I had lost all of my friends and didn’t have anyone to talk to on a daily basis. Part of recovery for the unfaithful is to have other same sex friends to contact and communicate with instead of the AP. There was no one, so I replaced talking to the AP with praying, music and trying to formulate a new career out of the ashes of my life. I thought about my AP all the time. One day I was talking to an older man who provided some clarity and direction. When I confessed I was thinking about my affair partner, he simply replied “Samuel if you said you weren’t I’d call you a liar.” He was right. Some days it was more than others, some days it was all day. I hurt for what I had done to her and what I had done to her family. Sure I missed her company, and sure I missed her attention and falling all over me with compliments, applause, assurance and passion. Yes, all of it was true, and remains disturbing to this day. But I was with Samantha. And quite frankly, Samantha hated me at the moment. Yes, hated me. She shares that quite frequently when she speaks to other women, as it was part of the phase she was in.  Though I was missing my AP and still had a connected bond with her, I was with Samantha. I wanted to be with Samantha. I chose Samantha. I was committed to doing all I could to at least see if our marriage could be saved. I wasn’t sure Samantha could get over the pain she was in, but I was willing to do whatever it took to save us, even though I was bombarded with thoughts about my affair partner. For you betrayed spouses please understand your mate is from time to time thinking about their affair partner. But, if they are with you, they are trying. They are doing what they can to be in the right place and I know it’s gut wrenching to believe their minds are wandering. However, it is part of the inevitable process of breaking free from an illegitimate bond they have with someone they should have never had bonded with in the first place. Choices have consequences, and if they are giving it an effort, often times we need to enjoy the progress, though you long for perfection. One of the worst things you can do is say “Are you thinking about your AP?” Then when they answer honestly, you may blast them and they’ll never want to tell you the truth ever again. It’s even more destructive for them to constantly tell you how much they are thinking about their AP and remind you of their selfishness and destructive behavior. The unfaithful need a place where they can process things, and find the light of truth. It’s a vital piece to the puzzle and is now far more available than it was 8 years ago. If you are an unfaithful spouse, it will get easier as you shift your focus. There is a strategy to help you through this ordeal. You’ll need help from others who have gone through it before. You’ll need to understand you can control what you do with your thoughts and you can break free, over time with the right strategy, and finally gain a sense of peace. I’d give up any hope that it will be instantaneous or overnight, but clarity and peace of mind is available for you. To this day, I can think of my affair partner if I let myself. I don’t want to, but sometimes I do. If I think of her at any time lately, it’s only a sense of grief for what I did to her, but I have entrusted that to God to bring healing to her. He’s far better at healing than I am. 

In recovery, as my previous post indicated, you’ll have some needs that must be present. Alternatively, there are some things you just don’t need. Call them principles, mindsets or approaches if you like, but if they are present, I can assure you they will make things very difficult and probably even exacerbate the already excruciating process. Continuing our approach, here’s what you DON’T need in recovery: 1.       You don’t need pride. As indicated previously, you’ll need courage like never before. But pride likes to say “I shouldn’t have to do this.” Or, “This is your issue….you go fix this. I’m not doing anything.” The problem is, those mindsets assume a betrayed spouse has nothing to take ownership of. Please keep in mind, as I have said thousands of times, and will never retreat from saying, an unfaithful spouse’s affair is never the fault of a betrayed spouse. We cheated due to our issues (and pride is very likely among those issues). Some unmet needs or dysfunction in the relationship may have made their spouse vulnerable, but the cold hard truth is, we cheated due to our inability to handle complex issues. It will forever be our fault, even if the marriage was difficult. However, this is a union and we cannot operate on a one sided approach. Both spouses must be willing to humble themselves and accept that their best efforts got them here in the first place, so change does need to happen. WE cannot be saved by what THEY do; we are responsible for our own recovery. 2.       You don’t need to expect a quick fix.  It simply won’t happen quickly. Most experts on the subject of infidelity (and there are not many) will tell you it’s an 18 to 24 month process. No it’s not impossible, but you and your spouse need time for the adequate process to run its course and deal with what needs to be dealt with. It will take several tough conversations and some very dark nights for both spouses. It will take a methodical approach at times, and then other times it will be an approach where you’re simply thankful for progress, not perfection. It’s a marathon, but once you gain momentum in the process, the momentum compounds pretty quickly. I wish there were short cuts, but I can assure you, there are not. 3.       You don’t need to believe that one size (or method) fits all. Infidelity is the Ace of Spades when dealing with emotional trauma. It’s one of the worst emotional struggles to deal with. I’ve talked to many women and men who have both been betrayed and lost children, and sadly every one of them are astonished that the pain, the loss, is so similar. Your situation is unique. If you are an unfaithful female spouse, there are most certainly some very unique idiosyncrasies to deal with and any expert on infidelity will tell you that. It’s not MORE complicated, but one of the worst mistakes to make is to treat an unfaithful female spouse the way you’d treat an unfaithful male spouse. The complexity of any situation dealing with infidelity is off the charts and requires a process and strategy that is specific to what you are dealing with. The type of affair, the length of time, were they coworkers, will you see them at church or social gatherings….these are questions which require a specific plan of attack if you are going to heal and get on the other side of all this trauma and collateral damage. Remember, it’s possible, but not without a strategic and calculated approach. 4.       You don’t need too many cooks in the kitchen. Respectfully, everyone has an idea of what they would do if their spouse cheated, till they cheat. Then all bets are off. Between the kids, assets, future’s alone or together, everyone has an opinion until they are in the middle of it. You’ll want to talk to people who have gone through infidelity before. You may want to sample both sides of the story and speak to people (of the same sex) who have survived with their marriage intact as well as those who divorced because of it. Neither divorce nor restoration is easy, but you’ll want to know what you’re getting yourself into either way. Expert professionals can help you understand that, but so can survivors who have been through it and remember what it was like. To talk to those who have never felt what you’re feeling or experienced what you’re experiencing in many ways confuses you, triggers you, and can cause great despair and disillusionment. You will spare yourself from this unnecessary pain and hurt if you’ll get the right kind of help from the right kind of people.

Navigating the process of recovery after infidelity is not for the faint of heart. There are some crucial dos and don’ts that need to be applied if there is any chance for success. Success in this cauldron of trauma is not just ‘moving on.’ It’s about finding hope, finding healing, and giving you and your spouse the best chance at restoration. Keep in mind restoration may happen now, one day in the future, or possibly never if they prove to be unsafe. I’ve put some thought into some universal needs that you may want to consider implementing in your recovery plan. 1. You’ll need courage. The future of your marriage and your family is definitely uncertain. Even if your spouse says they will do ‘whatever it takes,’ it’s easier said than done. When the rubber meets the road and details need to be discussed, and boundaries need to be set, their heart’s desire will prove itself. This will not be easy my friend. It will hurt, and it will be gut wrenching at times. It will cause you to find out what is truly deep inside you as well as what is deep inside your spouse. These emotions may not have been tapped into since you were a child. It’s OK. I’ve never met or talked to anyone who found healing for themselves or their spouse without being absolutely courageous. You will need to find a way to move forward, though the future is undecided. If you don't, you may stay stuck, and you may miss out on what could possibly be a miracle waiting to happen. You may also intensify the whole ordeal which I’m sure no one wants to see happen. 2. You’ll need the right perspective. You are probably finding it nearly impossible to see any light at the end of the tunnel. It’s even harder to see how your marriage could possibly be restored after your or your spouse’s affair. There’s too much at stake here to cut corners, do it on your own, suck it up, or just haphazardly ‘move on.’ The best thing you can do is get perspective from an expert who has gone through this before, not just any marriage counselor will do. They need to have gone through infidelity before themselves to really be able to help you or your spouse identify what’s truly going on in both of your minds and hearts. The site is full of many perspectives from those who have gone through this before and understand what it takes. To try and reason through it all with just what you currently think or feel or what a book may have told you will prove insufficient to navigate the tumultuous waters ahead of you. Keep in mind; both you and your spouse are probably not in your right mind. The trauma of being betrayed may be blinding you. The unfaithful spouse may say they are finally in their right mind, but they are not. If they’ve been unfaithful, they most certainly are not aware of how self-deceived they are or how far they’ve gone to justify their own actions. You’ll need what we call ‘infidelity specific” help to understand what needs to happen next. 3. You’ll need a process. As John Maxwell said, “the power is in the process,” and truer words have never been spoken. There is a process to recovery and you’ll need to get under the care of some sort of proven, expert process to help you and/or your spouse heal. Without that, you’ll find yourself wandering pretty aimlessly through the different stages and phases, wondering if there will ever be a time when you feel like you have a plan, or hope, or understanding on how to handle yourself, much less your spouse. Dealing with infidelity requires the insight to understand what sort of affair you or your spouse had, and there are many. It requires understanding what your spouse is really saying, behind all the noise that they may be creating. It’s an absolute necessity to acknowledge the fact that you both are probably in over your head, and without a systematic process you will simply get run over. It happens every day in our world, but it truly doesn’t have to. You can take some of the power back and help dictate how things are going to go over the next season. Tomorrow I’ll talk through what I call blockages to recovery. Principles that if they are present, will most certainly hamper both your own recovery and your spouse’s. 

A couple of days ago, Samantha and I had a major meltdown.   It was the wrong day, the wrong moment, I wasn’t feeling well, and the perfect storm arose.  I felt like Samantha had just scolded me. I wasn’t having it, and the night went from a peaceful night with a book to all hell breaking loose and me ending up out of the house, in an ice storm, trying to cool down.  You’d think after so many years in recovery we’d be above this and that we never even argue any more. Come on. We are healed and healthy in ways we never imagined we could be but we’re still people fighting for our marriage every day. I never promised perfection in this blog, but real life instead.  It wasn’t infidelity related at all.  In fact, there was no residue in the fight from infidelity.  It was about one child affecting another child and how we both handled it.  To say it escalated quickly is an understatement.  Have you ever had one of those fights that simply came out of nowhere and you didn’t even see it coming?  All you could see was the aftermath?  It was one of those. We made up last night, thank God, and our world has returned to its proper axis. The most crucial moment in the whole ordeal was how it affected my 12 year old daughter.  If anyone felt slighted or as though they weren’t validated, it was her. As I woke up yesterday morning, I immediately went into her room and knelt down beside her bed, apologized, grabbed her hands, and prayed for both of us.  Mostly for me, but for her healing and my youngest who hurt her emotionally.  I had tears in my eyes as we prayed. It reminded me of what’s at stake in life.  Infidelity wreaks havoc on all parties involved in the family.  In a very auspicious way, our kids can sense when trauma or crisis is in the air.  Call it a sixth sense, call it elevated maturity of which we don’t give them credit for, but they can feel it.  My infidelity years ago put everything of priority in my life in extreme jeporady.  I was willing to spend any money I had or didn’t have for help and hope.   We put the EMS Weekend on a credit card, and used a good amount of savings to see Rick periodically.  When I held my daughters hands yesterday morning, I was reaping the benefit of money well spent.  I was reaping the fruit of sacrifice, and labor, and where there is appropriate, heartfelt sacrifice, fruit will soon come.  It may not be the way we always want it to come, or in the area we want it to come, but it will come.  Yes I had blown it, but through that storm I’ve been able to cultivate a relationship with my kids which of course is not perfect, but they understand the necessity of an apology and forgiveness.   My daughter and I had a special moment.  It was intensified by the time spent in my life beforehand to believe, and to press on, and our response to what happened 8 years ago.  What we do matters my friends.   It requires a calculated decision and plan if we want to heal from infidelity or addiction.  It won’t ‘just happen.’  It won’t get better on it’s own.  Healing won’t just arise out of thin air, or out of nowhere.   It’s not time for a ‘whatever happens is what happens’ methodology.  It’s time for a strategic approach to probably the biggest crisis of your life heretofore.  If there was ever a time for strategy and driving a stake in the ground, it would be now.  Whether or not you have kids is not the issue.  Whether or not you want to see hope arise out of the ashes is.  Whether or not you want to cut the line and walk away is the issue.  Whether or not you get expert help is the issue.  Whether or not you make a few sacrifices to get help now is the issue.  I hope you’ll reach out for help today and make the decision you know you need to make.  If I can help, please let me know.  I’m standing with you today in prayer!  

It’s a common question I hear from spouses: can my spouse really change? The easy answer is YES. The harder answer is, if they want to and if you take the right steps. The most difficult answer is, if they want to, and if you take the right steps, and there are no guarantees even if you do get the right help; but it’s probably worth the journey to find out before you end it. I’ve seen very tough cases over the years, and I truly have seen change, breakthrough, and yes even miracles you’d have never thought possible. But it almost never comes by doing the same thing over and over again. It usually requires a different approach and it usually requires the motivated spouse who is trying to see change, to take some either drastic or calculated steps, if you will, to see change. It was that way with Samantha and I. It might be an EMS Weekend. It may take getting a session with Rick over the phone or in person. It will also be a long term process and not a short term, quick fix. It may even take an ems weekend, then periodic sessions with Rick, or one of the other therapists, for a while if it’s a truly difficult situation which requires special circumstances. As you can gather, there is no flash in the pan, overnight fix. While the ems weekend is a three day weekend, followed by a six week after care program, it’s also an intensive with thirty plus hours of insight and personal care unlike most anything you’ll find out there for both spouse’s. When spouses get frustrated I usually ask them how long this dysfunction has been going on. I then remind them this will not be fixed overnight, and it probably shouldn’t be. There is a necessary process which must take shape to bring change, healing and brokenness to both spouse’s and each has their own timeline. It hurts like hell, if I’m being honest, but there is a purpose in the pain. It’s agonizing when you are the motivated spouse, but wonder if you should go to the well one more time, so to speak. We’d almost rather talk about how hard it is, but not take steps to see change or growth as it’s an uncertain future. Some would be more comfortable using their mate’s resistance as an excuse to why they wouldn’t spend the money, or take steps to get help before ending it. (Please don’t misunderstand me, that’s certainly not the case all the time, but it is in fact the case sometimes).   I’ve talked to many in tears who have come to me later and admitted they had no clue how painful walking away would be. Some let their pride get in the way as they wanted their spouse, the cheater, to be the one to get help. If the unfaithful one couldn’t see the need for help, they were comfortable allowing their frustration to motivate them to just sit and stir. It’s unfortunate as they may have missed a chance at change due to pride. Divorce is ugly and I’ve walked many through it. Every one of them has told me of the nightmare it was, how unprepared they were for it and how gut wrenching it was for both spouse’s as well as their kids. Before heading down that road, I would plead with you to humble yourself one more time and really see that all efforts have been exhausted before you put yourself, your kids and yes even your spouse though the pain of a divorce. In the end though, it may be time for that. You may have exhausted all roads to the point where you have no other sane options. Unfortunately there is no way around it and divorcing may be the very best thing for you and all parties involved.  It will take courage to walk it out. But before then, I hope and pray you’ll reconsider and give expert care a chance to get involved.

One of the most vivid memories I have of my father is when he took me fishing with one of his clients. It was off the coast of California. It was a smaller fishing boat, but not cheap and it was big enough to have some fun. The weather wasn’t perfect, but they decided it was fine to venture out. I think we were out about an hour when the storm finally hit us. Finally, my dad and his client (both of them decorated Vietnam War Veterans) decided they needed to humble themselves at the impending doom that was coming our way and pull up the anchor. Here’s where it gets interesting. The anchor was caught, and true to their profile, they were going to get it unstuck. I think we did circles, and all sorts of ridiculous maneuvers in this boat (which I had grown to hate) to free the anchor for about 30 minutes. Once I vomited off the side of the boat, and once we almost capsized the 2nd time, I think they finally realized we were in trouble. They were forced to cut the anchor. My dad’s client was fuming as I’m sure it wasn’t cheap, and my dad felt bad, but the vomit on my shirt, the fear in my eyes, lightening, thunder and big waves, told him it was time. Once the anchor was cut, we were free, soaked, and heading back in. I wonder if some of you don’t need to cut the anchor right now. Before you assume the worst, I’m not meaning cut the spouse loose. I mean, perhaps it’s time to cut a method loose? When something isn’t working, it’s just not working. When dealing with infidelity or compulsive behaviors, if something isn’t working, I don’t want to keep doing it with little hope. Yes, it takes time for a method to work, but just how long?  “We cannot solve a problem by the same consciousness which created the problem in the first place.”  –Albert Einstein I talk to individuals every day who have been doing the same thing and there hasn’t been a change. Often times it gets worse. Frequently it’s seeing a counselor who has never been through infidelity, or they’re participating in a form of couples counseling, and it’s just not hitting home (usually with the unfaithful spouse). With great respect for the counselor, perhaps they have never been through this nightmare and their approach isn’t the best for you? Maybe your spouse needs an expert? Maybe there is a need to draw some lines in the sand and get expert insight on how to get things moving in the right direction. It may be time to stand up for your own health and well-being and put some expectations upon your spouse? It was that way with Samantha and I for a short time early on in our recovery. We were doing circles, fuming at each other. I was angry at her, she was angry at me, I felt justified and wanted to move forward, she was stuck and didn’t think I was safe. We had to cut a few anchors along the way. Old methodologies, old viewpoints, resentment, justifications, you name it.  We had to cut them loose, and I think we were angry about every single anchor we cut loose, but it saved our lives. What do you need to cut loose today? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to post it here and I’ll do my best to answer as soon as I’m able.

Oddly enough, when my affair became public, I had an immense amount of internal anger. I didn’t know it yet, but it was there.  However, I didn’t dare express MY anger. After all, I was the unfaithful spouse. My affair in large part (though of course not completely) was in direct result of anger I had towards Samantha, which had grown over the years. Sadly, my affair partner knew of my anger and it only fueled the affair in more ways than I can count. Unmet needs, physical rejection and disrespect all made a nice recipe for perceived rejection and my anger, though unprocessed, was off the chart. Like most unfaithful spouses though, when the affair becomes public, we usually don’t address our anger. We are waiting for the storm and the chaos to blow over and settle before we deal with underlying issues that may have driven us to act in ways we could never have foreseen. More times than not, it’s our anger which creates the actual vulnerability for our affairs in the first place. I mean how was I going to address MY anger when it had just come out that I was involved in a two year affair with my assistant? My anger was minimized, and even mocked by some. Had I addressed the anger earlier, the affair quite possibly would have never even taken shape.   Time and time again though, we’re counseled to not process our anger at all and focus on our betrayed spouse’s emotions only. It’s healthy in many ways, and it’s right in more ways. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be processing as well.   More than anger, I think what I was truly feeling early on was frustration, and many professionals would say frustration is merely a mild form of anger. Quite often in life I find myself frustrated and have come to realize it really is a lower form of anger and I’ve seen it eat me alive at times. I’ve also seen it help create the possibility of relapse if not dealt with appropriately. My earlier opinion has changed significantly. The unfaithful spouse’s anger must be processed early on. It doesn’t in any way trump the betrayed spouse’s anger and quite honestly, I believe the unfaithful has a right to be angry.  It’s how they process their anger which can make or break recovery, since many (but not all) unfaithful spouses early on are ambivalent about what they want to do regarding the marriage. The unfaithful spouse must have a same sex third party to process their anger with. This may be a counselor, objective and trusted friend, clergy member, you name it. But early on, they must get in touch with their anger and process it, or else they run the risk of allowing the unprocessed anger to lie dormant. Years later, I assure you that unresolved anger, will be tapped into and create the perfect storm to return to one’s earlier self-absorption, seeking to find the fulfillment they never found in their marriage. Just waiting for the storm to blow over will not cut it. Keeping in the spirit of transparency and honesty, I’ve come to realize years later there has been some unprocessed anger I’ve tapped into recently. Not about the affair per se, but about our marriage struggles and unmet needs. In no way does it indicate my anger is proof I’m right. It may only mean that I’m perceiving things differently than Samantha intended, but that’s the very reason we must communicate. If unprocessed it’s a recipe for disaster and I care not to relive yet another disaster in my life. Rick talks about not processing anger by either spouse which therefore drives the pain underground, only to resurface later and usually in spades. It’s true for both spouses. It requires processing and it requires a plan. It requires being sensitive, strategic and willing to get the help you need to process through the anger to find wholeness to your own life and your marriage.

Some of the biggest trouble I’ve gotten into in life has been due to reacting. Whether it’s been in professional sports, relationships, marriage, or child rearing, when I’ve merely ‘reacted’ rather than responding, I’ve usually blown it big time. Here are some key differences, then we’ll talk a bit more about it. To react is usually defensive. When we react it usually means we feel we are at a disadvantage or out of control. We’re mainly operating out of fear, backed against the wall so to speak. When we’re reacting, we’re typically emotionally driven or, to put it bluntly, a slave to our emotions. Emotions, without much of a reasoning process at all, are what drive our reactionary behavior. The outcome is typically counter-productive, as we are reacting passionately, but we all know we can be passionately wrong. To respond, however, is more based on reason and the outcome of thoughtful, calculated behavior. Responding is led more by logic and critical thinking. When dealing with infidelity, to respond means implementing a strategy to get you where you want to go rather than allowing emotions, passion and defensiveness lead.  When we are responding, we are civil and are usually acting in a very forthright manner, using either wisdom we have received, a curriculum we are going through or a strategy which is behind our choices. When we choose to respond, we typically have more control on the eventual outcome of the situation or difficulty at hand. When dealing with infidelity, either betrayed or unfaithful, typically all we do is react. The trauma, shame and anger involved with this ordeal is off the charts and we are two reacting individuals, pushing each other to a place where we wonder if we will EVER come back. The level of uncertainty a spouse feels is practically immeasurable and we are faced with the dark reality that no matter how hard we try, we are not in control. The answer is found not in one mere principle, but in a collective and calculated approach to this nightmare, which involves the ability to respond. If we keep reacting, we’ll only make things worse, and create more collateral damage for all parties. However, to be able to respond, we need better help, better teaching, and ultimately better approaches. Without this type of help, strategy or intention in our behavior, we’ll muck it up time and time again. Having become a specialist in reacting, I pray we all chose to work on responding today. If we will respond, it will usually give us a better chance at operating out of love and concern both for ourselves and our spouse’s, regardless of their behavior. 

I was talking to a gentleman the other day and sharing some experiences from the past, and I remembered a time I wanted to share with you all. It’s a bit of a difficult one, and will be controversial to some I’m quite sure, but I never said I wouldn’t be honest here. My hope is that my story and my pain may explain your spouse’s behavior, or give credence to what you may be fighting today. Years into recovery, WE had relapsed and I was not happy with the way things were going. I felt like Samantha was retreating away from what she had agreed to work on, and I felt as though we were going backwards, fast. It was as though the new found dedication Samantha had to our marriage was nowhere to be found, and I had worked harder and harder to change and let the focus be on me. Add some financial pressure, the struggle to raise kids and everyday life complications and you’ve got a perfect recipe for relapse and a repeat of disaster. Regardless of what I would do or say, things were getting worse not better. It was as if we had hit a new level of difficulty and I was wrestling with things I was overpowered by. To say I was disoriented would be an understatement. It was remarkable how similar my emotions were to what I was feeling before my affair took shape. The justification, the temptation and the self-absorption seemed altogether too familiar. To say I was scared was an understatement. The biggest mistake was not talking to Samantha about it, and trying to hold steady on my own. The best thing I did was talk to my three best friends who are my accountability partners for help, perspective and transparency. I was sliding backwards at a dangerous speed and began to want an illicit night with someone. My eyes were wandering, my frustration was serving as justification, and circumstantially my life was in upheaval. Rick says “Relapse is always about pride” and I was in a dark place which fostered a narcissistic sense of “fine, if you won’t care about me and my needs, then I’ll find someone who will.” I then spent a good amount of time praying, meditating and re reading Rick’s writings and as many devotions and articles as I could. I’ll never forget the moment it hit me. Maybe, just maybe, the struggle I was wrestling with would pave the way to Samantha’s own breakthrough. Maybe the resistance I was coming up against, and the difficulty I was encountering, was actually not just for me but also for us.  That perhaps as I was able to break free and as I was able to gain ground in my own journey, Samantha too would gain ground in her own awareness and recovery story. I was right. As I began to get back to basics, and as I began to get back to the many principles of recovery I had grown tired of, a personal resurgence emerged. My perspective changed literally overnight and I had renewed courage to get back to what had produced the initial change and euphoria and quickly departed from the destructive new behaviors I was allowing back in my life. Yes, friends, Samantha was “missing it” on some levels. I was missing it on more. As is true many times in marriage, it starts with the party who is willing to do whatever it takes to see the marriage restored and healthy and whoever has the courage to change current response patterns. Samantha was strong enough to not let me get away with many of the same old behaviors which created the pressure within me to do some needed self-analysis of where I was at. This new year, it may be time to get back to some of the basics of recovery. 

“If you’d do your part, then maybe I’d work a tad bit harder at doing mine!”  “Well, if you didn’t DO what YOU did, we wouldn’t be here in the first damn place.  It continues to be all about you doesn’t it!  You remain such a ……………”  Actual dialogue between Samantha and I while we were in recovery. It’s not an entirely uncommon thing to be stuck, or feel like only one party is doing more work to try and move forward than the other.  The fact is, you don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.  You can move forward, albeit somewhat incrementally, even if your spouse is hesitant or stuck in their own pride, shame, hurt or pain. “If they won’t then I won’t” is a recipe for disaster as it means that perhaps your pride, or your inability to control their behavior, means you won’t get help for your own healing. This is true whether you’re betrayed or the betrayer.  I was there. Believe me.  I sat on my kids’ swing in the back yard crying to Rick Reynolds on the phone one day as I was convinced Samantha wasn’t doing her part.  This time Rick didn’t laugh, as he knew I was in pain.  But he did speak softly and graciously and ask me a question:  “Samuel, what can you do right now?  Maybe this is about YOUR sanctification and maybe this needs to be about you right now?”  I threw up the white flag and said, “You’re right.  I can’t get her to get it right now.”  Rick emphatically said to me, “Samuel you need to allow Samantha to have all the time she needs since she’s the betrayed, and let God work on you in any way you need it right now.  You obviously can’t change things right now, so embrace it dude, and realize it is the way it is right now.  You can still get healthy, but right now, stop trying to control your wife’s behavior.” I’ve always been a control freak.  It’s a recipe for disaster and frustration. I needed to trust the process.  I needed to know that process required someone to drive the healing bus.  Right now I was the driver. Sometimes Samantha was on and ready to go, helping me map out our travel plan.  Sometimes, she would get off and I would be driving alone. Sometimes I’d jump right out the window and leave her to man the bus alone.  Sometimes she would take the wheel and I would get to sit and relax and watch.  Sometimes she would yell and scream and even throw things at me from the back of the bus while I continued to drive.  There was air conditioning, but there was no ear plugs.   Maybe you’re that person right now.  Maybe you’re the betrayed, and you’re driving the bus.  That’s the worst situation I know.  Having to be the one who was betrayed, and still take the reins, or find help, is excruciating.  But many times it’s normal.  It’s normal as the unfaithful may not be healthy enough to even know what to do or how to do it.  I was so locked in shame, failure and self-deception, not to mention so disoriented, Samantha was the one who found Rick and Affair Recovery.  It happens frequently, and it’s very difficult friends.  But it’s not impossible.  I hope you don’t feel alone in your journey, as you’re not.  You can move forward in your own recovery and healing.  I hope and pray you do, and if I can help, please let me know by emailing me at [email protected]. For more help on this subject, I hope you’ll read Rick’s article as well called “Healing from Infidelity: Going It Alone”. You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.

"If you weren’t so cold and unloving, I wouldn’t have had the affair,” he yelled. “So now it’s MY fault you cheated and blew up our lives?!” she screamed back at him. It happens time and time again. Almost all of you at some level could finish the dialogue above. It’s pitiful how many blame their affairs on their spouse, and many won’t take any responsibility for the marriage. I love what Rick says: “The marriage is 50% your responsibility, 50% your spouse’s responsibility. The affair is 100% the unfaithful spouse’s responsibility.” I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there was a litany of things I could have done before I had an affair.    Forever it will be my fault I had the affair, and forever it will be wrong. There’s just no way to ever excuse, justify or rationalize affairs. Samantha didn’t make the choice for me to betray her, I did. However, I do believe it is possible for both spouses to admit to struggles which may have allowed for the vulnerability of the marriage. It’s about taking responsibility for the state of the marriage. When a spouse says “This is your issue, so you need to be the one who goes and gets help,” I know we are destined for a very long, difficult road that usually doesn’t end well. Both spouse’s need help and care when there has been infidelity. To ultimately find healing and restoration for the marriage, while also preventing relapse, both spouses need to be involved in the process of recovery if it is going to work. Yes, the affair was wrong and will never be justifiable. Yes the betrayed absolutely did not deserve nor cause this pain. But where are we going from here? My wife Samantha displayed humility and grace when she took responsibility for her failures in the marriage. She was rarely intimate, pushed me away and treated me like our fourth kid.  Once I began to own my affair though, and completely take responsibility for what I had done without blaming anyone, eventually Samantha would then start to see, hear and understand the struggles I was experiencing. It took time. It took patience. It took me being willing to absolutely let the focus be on me for a while, till Samantha felt safe enough to let her guard down and be vulnerable. Did the weaknesses of our marriage justify an affair on my part? NEVER. It’s not about finding blame all the time. It’s about understanding how we got here, and where we are going from here. Our hope is for restoration. The process to that restoration is filled with incremental steps which need to be taken, yet seem like an eternity. For some, it picks up speed and momentum is gained. For others, it hurts. It stalls. It seems to even flounder due to a spouse refusing to take responsibility, be honest and forthcoming, or pursue recovery. It’s not a process I’d wish on anyone. But it is possible to heal. And it is possible to find restoration; first for yourself, then perhaps for your marriage. It may have been my affair, but recovery for the marriage is about us. I hurt for those of you who have had to pursue recovery on your own. It’s incredibly painful and, although eventually fruitful on a personal level, I know it is gut-wrenching. I’ve met many who, although their spouse was resistant, have found their own new life.  

When my affair was exposed, Samantha was far more hurt than she was angry.  Initially what showed were hurt, shock and overwhelming grief.  Our youngest was roughly 4 weeks old, so she was in the process of breast feeding and caring for an infant as well as processing the trauma of it all. Life was absolutely turned upside down.  As she regained the ability to function and started to get her wits about her, she became angrier and angrier.  As the realization of what happened for two years began to set in, hurt began to surface and be revealed, and then anger became the expression of that hurt. Anger wasn’t the primary emotion.  It looked like it was, sounded like it was, and felt like it was. The stuff she threw at me, as well as the couple of punches she threw, would say it was all about the anger.  Looking back in a healthy way though, hurt was the primary emotion, and anger was the manifestation of that hurt. For many it’s the same way.  I’ve seen them get lost in the anger.  Anger rules the day and they go from zero to 180 mph in a mere word, a text, a phone call, misunderstanding; you name it and anger is in charge. But it’s really the hurt that’s at the wheel and anger is trying to run the show.  It’s when we can somehow, some way, get behind the anger and find out what the hurt is, that the unfaithful spouse can take responsibility and own the pain we’ve inflicted. Then we can eventually see some sort of ground gained.  I know this for sure:  until we own the pain we’ve inflicted and take responsibility for what we’ve done, we’ll continue to see anger.  If we want to see less anger from our spouse, perhaps we need to take more responsibility for what we’ve done. Listen, absorb, and understand that anger is usually the secondary emotion and not the primary.  Note to unfaithful: this takes more than a few weeks friends.  You’ll need help to do this and this site and the programs offered here will help immensely.  If you get into recovery with a third party expert, you can expedite this painful process to a certain degree.  When I was able to get to the root of what was producing the anger, though I wasn’t able to make it all go away, I was able to help Samantha feel safe. Slowly but surely, I was able to help her extinguish the anger and get to the point where I could comfort her for the pain I caused. I’m sure you know what I’m going to say next. And it’s true. It wasn’t overnight. It was a process. And it did take longer than I would have liked. But we were gaining ground.  Much needed ground to function in life. In the spirit of the season, recovery is much like football:  it’s a game of inches.  Progress, not perfection must be the goal early on.  If we allow anger to rule, we’ll constantly go back and forth with each other and with ourselves.  It becomes a cycle that you can’t break. But it’s a smoke screen.  It prevents you and your spouse from seeing the roadmap to recovery.  Though we have a right to be angry, it doesn’t mean it will promote healing or recovery.  It will frustrate all parties, till someone decides to give up and quit, not even from the infidelity, but from the anger and frustration at the dysfunctional process that is killing you both, slowly but surely. I encourage you today, friends, to seek what your anger is seeking to cover up. The primary emotions are typically more difficult to deal with, which is why we wrap them up in anger. Dealing with that primary emotion, scary as it may be, will get you to healing much faster. 

One of my favorite authors, Richard Rohr, uses a 12 step term called being “present.” To be present is “to know what you need to know in the moment. To be present is to allow the moment, the person, the idea or the situation to change you.” It’s the concept of “simple, clear and uncluttered presence.” Now that my kids are getting older, I’ve been realizing just how much I wasn’t ‘present’ years before. From traveling, busyness and speaking engagements to just being overwhelmed with pressures and life, I wasn’t present often times. I certainly wasn’t present for Samantha in the least bit once life took off. I sincerely tried to be, but we can be sincere, well meaning, and at the same time just plain distracted and self- absorbed. Lately though, I’ve been remembering the need to be present, much like when we first set out at recovery. Obviously, if there is one season that will seek to steal from you any form of concentration, it will be the holidays. The temptation to allow confusion and distraction by hurt, raw need or fear continues to creep in. More and more I find myself wanting to enjoy life, even with all of its struggles, by just being present for others, and for me. Rohr goes on to say “It takes major surgery to get head, heart, and body to put down their defenses, their false programs for happiness and their many forms of resistance to what is right in front of them.” I guess my question would be what is right in front of you today? For many it’s young kids who are in their own struggle and pain. Perhaps it’s older children who may or may not know what’s going on, but can sense something’s not right. It may be the numbness which comes from Christmas not seeming anywhere near normal this year. It may be an inordinate amount of hurt and pain that seems unrelenting. I know. But I’m convinced, part of the recipe to endure and still heal is to be present, that you may then make decisions based upon your whole presence, not a cluttered knee jerk reaction. I love the quote by Rohr which says “When all of you is there, you will know. When all of you is present, the banquet will begin. That’s the rub of any conversion experience. You only know how much you needed it when you are on the other side. That’s why you need the tenacity of faith and hope to carry you across, to most transformational experiences.” I’d like to encourage you today, to begin to drop your defenses and attempt to be present. Both for others and for yourself. For your own healing. Your own recovery. Your own memories that later in life will comfort you and encourage you. We’re always building memories friends, it’s just a matter of what kind of memories. Try to be present today. For you. 

If we are on either side of infidelity, I probably don’t need to tell you there will be pain and disorientation. In the heart of the betrayed however, the hurt will be like none other. Alternatively, with incredible respect for the betrayed, I’m not sure that there will be more dysfunctional disorientation and confusion than in the mind of the unfaithful. They have lost their way, lost their compass, and many would say, lost their mind. It’s in this cauldron of confusion we make the mistake of letting our hurt set the agenda of our lives. When we let raw emotion, pain and rage set the agenda, we will more than likely make decisions and ultimatums we both may live to regret. The unfaithful will possibly continue to pursue the affair partner, as they want to be affirmed, loved, cared for and seemingly worshipped by the fantasy life. The betrayed will possibly lash out and make decisions or even compromises about the future that she or he may also regret, further complicating the restoration process. Before you can blink an eye, both spouses are adrift in a sea of hurt, and as long as hurt is in charge, it’s going to be a rough ride with almost no certainty at all. The voice of hurt and the temptation to reason and respond out of that hurt is almost greater than any man or woman’s ability to fight off or resist. Even if you’re further down the road in recovery, if we are hurt by our spouse and respond out of that hurt, we exacerbate the situation and seldom produce any form of togetherness in the moment. It takes someone acting out of love and wisdom to short circuit this process.  Someone has to drive a stake in the ground and get help from an objective source, who can help you take back the power, rather than surrendering it to hurt. More specifically, if we are going to have anyone set the agenda, it should be a proven recovery process. An objective, reliable plan that although won’t fix everything, will help to ward off hurt-inspired decisions both spouse’s will live to regret. It takes the wiser, rational spouse (usually the betrayed spouse) to be the one who stands their ground and refuses to allow raw hurt and pain to run the show. Without this sort of plan, hurt, pain and anger run the agenda and when we respond purely out of that anger, nobody wins. Please keep in mind, this is no easy task. You’ll need help, and you’ll need community. This site is wonderful help for all of these needs. Having gone through this myself, I too let hurt rule my decisions for a while. It doesn’t have to be that way my friends. I can’t find the right words to say that I know in great detail the agony that infidelity creates. But take courage today, there is hope and there is a plan. I hope and pray you’ll find the courage to take some sort of action today. If I can help, please let me know.

If there is one thing about the crisis of infidelity, it’s that life as we know it changes. Maintaining a “business as usual” approach to crisis is a mistake. The ‘usual’ of our lives has been shattered and at some level, though life and time refuse to stop, it becomes more surreal than we ever thought possible. It’s the betrayed spouse who is forced to wade through the layers of pain (and B.S. from the unfaithful spouse quite frankly) and seek to find some new ground zero.  It’s not that I didn’t try to operate in a business as usual mentality when our lives were turned upside down. I yearned for some sense of normalcy to our lives, as I’m sure you do too, but it was gone. It was gone for quite a while now that I think of it. I see many couples try to treat it as though it’s a mere bump in the road and that life will just go on as before, significantly minimizing the ordeal altogether. I do understand some spouses refuse to admit to their infidelity and refuse to come clean, so there is the appearance of normalcy and the appearance that life hasn’t changed “all that much” as one spouse said to me the other day. For most of us though, life as we knew it is disfigured and altered. Whether it be taking care of ourselves, or getting help for the marriage, we need to take a step back and stop pretending that life and the climate surrounding our lives is normal. I know for kids it’s especially tough to navigate, as their lives are pretty set in terms of demands, schedules, school work and the like. Sometimes it’s the routine that helps them cope and I get that. I think what I’d like to stay on though, is the mentality of business as usual and how devastating it can be. If you’re in crisis today, I’d encourage you to admit that, realize that, and give yourself permission to not be able to do what you used to do. I’m sure it’s hard to function. I’m sure it’s even harder to believe that this is going to work out for better, or even for the best. When you’re marriage is in question, and your family’s future is desperately uncertain, we sometimes defiantly minimize the trauma and try to ‘suck it up.’ Alternatively though, sometimes we want to curl up in the fetal position and quit. There were many times I wanted to get a very large bottle of whiskey and disappear. Without question the days were too many to count that I wanted to do that. I couldn’t then and I can’t now. You can’t either friend. It’s not about disappearing; it’s about allowing the mentality that you’re not affected by this disappear. Though you’re in the middle of crisis, give yourself grace to not be OK. Give yourself grace to be a mess and take steps to get healthy however long it takes and whatever it takes. It will probably take good money and humility to get the type of help you need to heal from infidelity. You may have to admit you’re not OK and you don’t have everything under control the way we’d like to think we do. But that’s OK. It’s about getting help NOW, even if the progress is inch by inch. I know…..it absolutely cuts at the core sometimes. We’re fashioned and cultured to suck it up, rise up, and meet any challenge.  I do believe we need to meet the challenges before us. The kids need to eat, the bills have to be paid, and life in many ways goes on. But we don’t have to face it with a mentality that pretends we are who we’ve been. Perhaps we’re becoming someone deeper, richer, and more balanced. Maybe the strength and perspective we need can only come when we put aside the façade and the business as usual mentality and tread carefully, sensitive to the leadings and the promptings of grace. Grace still has a voice, I will promise you that.  Paul said it best……”When I am weak, therefore am I strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 

Early on in recovery, life seemed like a wasteland. We had lost practically everything and had to start over. Samantha was flooding and some days completely unreachable emotionally. It would seem like the entirety of my life was dark. Our youngest was 5 weeks old at the time and had trouble nursing, and was just one of those high maintenance children. The other two were somewhat bewildered at us moving so quickly to another state, and asked several times about our old friends and even the affair partner from time to time as she practically helped raise my youngest two. We were stuck paying a mortgage back in California, and had a new apartment we were living in here in Texas which wasn’t cheap, wasn’t large and had what seemed like zero privacy. Yet, there were a few streams that God provided for me. As the Bible says, “I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers (streams) in the dry wasteland (desert).” Isaiah 43 Upon moving into this apartment in Texas, I met a gentleman a few doors down who saw my motocross bike in the garage and we began riding together. He would end up becoming a great friend who cared nothing about my life prior to moving to Texas, but simply wanted to hang out and ride motocross bikes. We had some great times together, and he became a stream of new friendship which supported me far more than he knows, even now. I would later meet another salesman who worked where I was working and slowly but surely he became one of the best friends I’ve known for the last 8 years. He was a stream provided in a wasteland of confusion and disorientation. He just happened to be the one who answered the phone when a few people called from my past to harass me or harass my employer for hiring me, since my affair was so public. That was our introduction into both our lives. Another stream was the used car I traded my nicer car in for. When we moved to Texas, the car I had was the one which was filled with more memories and reminders of my affair partner than I could ever count. I knew I had to get rid of it. The palatable reminders from our time together were overwhelming and I had to get out of it if I was to truly have a new, fresh start. The car I replaced it with was nothing special, but it did have one very special feature: a sound system that would make your ears ring. Each day that I drove to my new job, in a new city that I would get lost in weekly, I would blare music as loud as I could and sing and cry and some days even bawl my eyes out, while I was clueless on how to make life, this new career, and recovery work. But, it was a stream. A stream in a wasteland of pain, hurt and shame. It was a simple stream and it refreshed me time and time again. I think if we look hard enough, we can find streams the Lord will provide for us in our dark wasteland. I know it probably feels like a desert right now, but I’m wondering if you asked for a stream, or asked God to show you a stream he may have already provided, if it wouldn’t refresh you? I believe there are streams for you and I, if we’ll look keenly and humbly for them. I pray you find a stream or two this week which refreshes you, and reminds you of His faithfulness and love.

Rescue: to free from confinement, danger, or evil.  I’m convinced, as is Samantha, my meltdown and the complete disintegration of our lives was a rescue. If you subscribe to Christ and a Christian worldview, it’s easy to believe it was God rescuing us. Should you subscribe to a different approach to life and an alternative worldview, you too would see the hand of fate reaching out to rescue us from where we were heading. Looking back, with each year that went by, we were picking up speed in the wrong direction and I had my foot on the gas. Just yesterday I was taken by the fact that it really was our lives, and our marriage and our future being apprehended from where we could have ended up. More than likely another divorce and another broken family in the string of shattered marriages I grew up watching and suffering the effects of. The dysfunction Samantha and I were a part of and the lifestyle we were living wasn’t built to last at any level, and I think she’d agree she was dying inside. She was dying slowly, and more and more hatred was brewing inside of her for our lifestyle, for our marriage and for me. The timing of my affair becoming public could not have been timelier for all things considered. Sure my kids were young, my youngest just a few weeks old. Honestly, at the time it was hard to imagine it being any worse than it was. There were several nights I wallowed in my tears and suicidal thoughts about how painful it was and how the timing of it was ripping our lives apart at the very core. But it could have been far worse. To say the affair becoming public and being exposed was God rescuing us is hard for some to swallow. But make no mistake, my affair was not anyone’s fault but mine. Sure Samantha had some weaknesses and struggles and this and that. But it was my fault indeed that the affair even happened and lasted as long as it did. God allowed it, but never designed it. I wished I could have ended it on my own time and time again so that it never had to come out. But it did. Had things gone the way I was planning them in my head, for no one to ever know it had happened, to go on living the exact same lie, would not have rescued our marriage or me. I’d have remained the self-absorbed, narcissistic person I was several years ago. I’d like to ask you all to consider the possibility that although things are probably more agonizing than you can put into words, perhaps in its own way, it’s a rescue. Perhaps this is a freeing you from where you would have been headed? I could be dead wrong and I get that. For me, and for others that have experienced the same phenomenon, my breakdown was a rescue from where we were headed. I hope you allow yourself to be rescued today, both betrayed and unfaithful.

Often times, bible stories give us a picture of what is going on in our own lives right now. I’ve borrowed some of Luke chapter 5 (see below) from the new testament for some context. Though a good amount of you who read these blogs are not Christians, I truly hope in this moment, you’ll take the story as mere context for what I’ll share after. Most importantly I hope you’ll not stop reading and push through. 17One day He was teaching; and there were some Pharisees and teachers of the law sitting there, who had come from every village of Galilee and Judea and from Jerusalem; and the power of the Lord was present for Him to perform healing. 18And some men were carrying on a bed a man who was paralyzed; and they were trying to bring him in and to set him down in front of Him. 19But not finding any way to bring him in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down through the tiles with his stretcher, into the middle of the crowd, in front of Jesus. 20Seeing their faith, He said, "Friend, your sins are forgiven you." …… He said to the paralytic "I say to you, get up, and pick up your stretcher and go home." 25Immediately he got up before them, and picked up what he had been lying on, and went home glorifying God. 26They were all struck with astonishment and began glorifying God. For many of you, it’s as if you yourself are carrying your spouse (and your marriage) to get help. I’m sure many of you just uttered under your breath, it’s more like you’re “dragging” them to get help. I do also understand, a fair amount of spouse’s won’t even let you get them or your marriage help. Whether or not it’s Jesus you’re dragging them too, I don’t know, but I’m sure some of you would gladly summon all your strength and every one of your friend’s strength, and one of your relative’s strength, just to carry your spouse to a safe place to get help. In the above story, it wasn’t easy to get to Jesus. I’m sorry, but it seems lately like it’s never easy to get to him for an outcome we pursue. Please don’t read too far into that statement. He is in fact, just a prayer away and will never leave us or forsake us, and is more available for intimacy than we know.   However, getting another person who is hurt, confused, angry and maybe even self-deceived, to acquiesce and get help is another story.  I wish it was through the front door, but sometimes you have to get creative on how to get them to help. Rick isn’t Jesus, but I will tell you, there’s more help here at Affair Recovery than you may realize. There’s more of the kindness, love, comfort and understanding that was epitomized by the life of Christ than you can understand. It’s a safe place, and if you’re reading this blog you’ve probably tasted a bit of the help the site has to offer. Whether betrayed or unfaithful, many times it’s just hard to get your spouse to agree to take action and get help. You may ‘want’ to get to a healer, but they may not be in any shape to walk.  It may take some calculated moves to get your spouse to get help. It may mean you have to be very strategic in how to get them there. Traditional ways, hence a front door, just may not work. The staff at Affair Recovery is well equipped to help with strategy on how to move your spouse towards getting help. I assure you, on the other side of the right encounter, with the right person, with the right message, like in the above story of Jesus, will produce some true glory and awe in your life and those that see and witness your story. When people hear our story, and how Samantha was strategic to get me into recovery, it’s awe-inspiring. Not because we’re special, or that we’re something unique per se, but because of the outcome after finding the right people to help us. If you need help on how to get your spouse to cooperate, please reach out to the Affair Recovery staff at 888-527-2367 and they will do their best to help you get your spouse to agree to get help. And as always, if I can ever do anything, please reach out at [email protected].