Shifting Focus If you’re anything like me, you get fixated on things easily. I know, I know, what man doesn’t? For the unfaithful spouse, fixating on desire or passion can be overwhelming. If you’re a betrayed spouse however, how can you not fixate on the overwhelming amount of trauma you’re in, not to mention the daily reminders of hurt, pain, betrayal and heartbreak? At EMS Weekend, Rick shares that we have to “shift our focus and intentionally focus on something different. If I focus on desire, whatever captures my attention will ultimately capture me. I can’t think (fixate) on this stuff and expect to overcome it. I’ve got to begin to think about something very different.” It’s true for both sides of the equation. We have to shift our focus, but purposefully and intentionally shift our focus to something redemptive and hopeful. Early on, when things were very “western” (as Rick describes it), I’d focus on my kids and how much I loved them and was willing to do whatever it took simply to live in the same house as them. I’d focus on motocross riding as it became a cathartic outlet. I’d focus on scripture and various books I was reading. It helped to get my focus off Samantha, and off of my affair partner who I was detoxing from, and ultimately off of the lust and self-absorption I was a prisoner of. If we don’t shift out focus quickly and diligently, we’ll allow our minds to wander. Before you know it, we’re down the road into our hurt and our pain which will forge a pathway to more self-absorption and anger. For me, this would lead to a cul-de-sac of hopelessness and depression. Shift your focus quickly, but to something that provides hope and encouragement. Do it early and do it militantly. It will get easier and easier over time as you employ this principle, but it is not for the faint of heart. This isn’t a Disney princess moment, but a warrior moment for both spouses which requires an armor plated mind which refuses to give in and quit. Persistence wins the day friend. You’ll lose a few battles sure, but the war wages on, and you can win friends. You can. Quit what’s harming you: fixating, doubting and flooding. Don’t quit the good stuff: shifting our focus and placing our thoughts on hopeful, redemptive and encouraging emblems.
